death in MM's family

[Scarlet2]

He put me on a pause and then it was unpaused, it's the truth, the only difference is it's not as frequent as it used to be, but we have indeed been intimate, sorry if you don't believe it, but now you can see why I'm so messed up and confused. But just like jellybean said "Any person who treats someone they have had recent sex with like this MM treats scarlet is an a s s h o l e" I shouldn't allow him to treat me this way. I deserve conversations and texts and outings. It has helped that he's been away on his trip, out of sight out of mind. I did text him a question though while he was gone and of course he didn't reply as usual, probably made him mad since his wife was probably right next to him when I did it. Not my problem. He returns tomorrow and I fully expect to be snubbed and I fully plan on not letting it bother me. He doesn't miss me otherwise he'd be calling or letting me know what he's up to like other MM do. My plan is to stop putting him first and treat him like anyone else I don't think about. I hope I succeed. Thanks whichwayisup

[whichwayisup]

He put me on a pause and then it was unpaused, it's the truth, the only difference is it's not as frequent as it used to be, but we have indeed been intimate, sorry if you don't believe it, but now you can see why I'm so messed up and confused. But just like jellybean said "Any person who treats someone they have had recent sex with like this MM treats scarlet is an a s s h o l e" I shouldn't allow him to treat me this way. I deserve conversations and texts and outings. It has helped that he's been away on his trip, out of sight out of mind. I did text him a question though while he was gone and of course he didn't reply as usual, probably made him mad since his wife was probably right next to him when I did it. Not my problem. He returns tomorrow and I fully expect to be snubbed and I fully plan on not letting it bother me. He doesn't miss me otherwise he'd be calling or letting me know what he's up to like other MM do. My plan is to stop putting him first and treat him like anyone else I don't think about. I hope I succeed. Thanks whichwayisup

 

I just want you to get strong enough and find it in you so you can tell him to shove it up a.s.s and end things with him once and for all. Quit your job, heal and find a great (single) guy who will treat you kindly and love you in the way you deserve.

 

Your MM is a complete a-hole and I don't understand what it is you actually like about him, let alone love.

[msblissful]

She may also have lied because she felt ganged-up on here, wanting to 'prove' that what everyone was telling her was not the truth.

 

Yes I agree this is the reason I thought of when she changed her version of events, true or not

[anika99]

He put me on a pause and then it was unpaused, it's the truth, the only difference is it's not as frequent as it used to be, but we have indeed been intimate, sorry if you don't believe it, but now you can see why I'm so messed up and confused. But just like jellybean said "Any person who treats someone they have had recent sex with like this MM treats scarlet is an a s s h o l e" I shouldn't allow him to treat me this way. I deserve conversations and texts and outings. It has helped that he's been away on his trip, out of sight out of mind. I did text him a question though while he was gone and of course he didn't reply as usual, probably made him mad since his wife was probably right next to him when I did it. Not my problem. He returns tomorrow and I fully expect to be snubbed and I fully plan on not letting it bother me. He doesn't miss me otherwise he'd be calling or letting me know what he's up to like other MM do. My plan is to stop putting him first and treat him like anyone else I don't think about. I hope I succeed. Thanks whichwayisup

 

 

Scarlet why did you never post about your intimate get togethers with the MM? Surely you must have had some sort of conversation with him during your meet ups. Why did you never want to discuss what he said or did during those? Why, after months and months of people saying the MM is gone and the affair is over , did you just now decide to correct us on that?

When did these intimate encounters happen? Where did you meet him and what did you two talk about?

[Scarlet2]

I went NC a week ago, this time I hope I stick to it. He blew up on me again when I told him it still upsets me that he doesn't respond to my texts. He repeated that he's busy and he can't and I say I don't expect an instant response but I should get something later on when he's not working. He gave another excuse that he doesn't do that because he's too paranoid they'll want to know who he's texting when he's home. I said it makes me feel like he doesn't like me and that I'm being ignored. He blows up and says I always think the worse. I say what else am I supposed to think when those actions say that. He blows up again and threatens to ignore me for good if I don't stop and that I'm acting like a teenager. We talked on the phone for about a half hour, asked how people had relationships before cell phones because that's how this should be and towards the end of the call he said he would start replying that he's busy instead of silence but I decided I'm just not going to text anymore.

 

Two days after, he comes in the office looking for me. Since he's always finding ways to avoid me, I don't know why he came in. I guess to see if his outburst had any effect on me? This is why I get confused. Yell at me so that I leave you alone and then when I do, you insert yourself into my life. I just don't get it... What does he want from me...

 

The first time he yelled at me before his dad died, I was a wreck. This time I'm just numb and it's time to let him go. I do deserve to be treated better...

[Tullyseptember]

Scarlet he is manipulating you to keep you confused, to keep you right where you are all these months later. Feeding you nibbles of niceness than ripping it away like an old bandaid and we all know how much that hurts! The only person who will change this situation will be you. Otherwise MM is going to keep you dangling ?

[whichwayisup]

I went NC a week ago, this time I hope I stick to it. He blew up on me again when I told him it still upsets me that he doesn't respond to my texts. He repeated that he's busy and he can't and I say I don't expect an instant response but I should get something later on when he's not working. He gave another excuse that he doesn't do that because he's too paranoid they'll want to know who he's texting when he's home. I said it makes me feel like he doesn't like me and that I'm being ignored.

He in his own way is telling you/showing you that he isn't into you anymore. You should feel ignored because that's what he's doing to you! If he truly cared, truly loved you, he wouldn't treat you this way. GET MAD and see that there is no real affair going on and now do everything you can to stay in no contact mode. Cut him out of your life.

 

He blows up and says I always think the worse. I say what else am I supposed to think when those actions say that. He blows up again and threatens to ignore me for good if I don't stop and that I'm acting like a teenager.

 

More actions and words to show you that he isn't loving you. You're wasting your precious energy and heart on someone who treats you like sh.it! Love yourself more and walk away for good this time.

We talked on the phone for about a half hour, asked how people had relationships before cell phones because that's how this should be and towards the end of the call he said he would start replying that he's busy instead of silence but I decided I'm just not going to text anymore.

 

Stick to it then. Don't text him. In fact, delete and block him.

 

Two days after, he comes in the office looking for me. Since he's always finding ways to avoid me, I don't know why he came in. I guess to see if his outburst had any effect on me? This is why I get confused. Yell at me so that I leave you alone and then when I do, you insert yourself into my life. I just don't get it... What does he want from me...

He's fu.cking with you, you're an ego feed to him. He loves that you're into him, on his terms. As soon as you back off, he comes looking for you aka, getting his ego feed, gives you just enough to be interested and have hope, then he slams the door in your face all over again. Tell him to F off and cut him out of your life (yes I said that before, I'll keep saying it.)

 

Until you wake up and realize this all is pointless, how much time and energy you're putting into him and this so-called affair, the more you'll be stuck and have this unhappy life and roller coaster ride. Aren't you sick of it yet? If you truly are, then STAY IN NC MODE. For good.

 

The first time he yelled at me before his dad died, I was a wreck. This time I'm just numb and it's time to let him go. I do deserve to be treated better...

 

I hope you mean this and not just saying it because you're numb. Make yourself accountable to your decision to be in NC mode. Again, love yourself more and stay away.

[Scarlet2]

The last text I sent him was after the office visit and I finally asked him if I can date others during the times he's too busy to spend with me, he didn't respond, as per usual. Obviously I don't need permission but I wanted to know what would happen instead of assume.

 

I think I can succeed this time at staying away... So far so good...

[beach]

The last text I sent him was after the office visit and I finally asked him if I can date others during the times he's too busy to spend with me, he didn't respond, as per usual. Obviously I don't need permission but I wanted to know what would happen instead of assume.

 

I think I can succeed this time at staying away... So far so good...

 

You are right, you don't need his approval for anything.

 

You are an adult woman and single, at that! He is married and has no say in what you do or don't choose for yourself.

 

But allowing him to yell at you? Oh, hell no!!! I hope you stick to NC - he should never be allowed to yell at you - and if it ever happens again I hope you call the police on him! That is unacceptable!

[gettingstronger]

The last text I sent him was after the office visit and I finally asked him if I can date others during the times he's too busy to spend with me, he didn't respond, as per usual. Obviously I don't need permission but I wanted to know what would happen instead of assume.

 

I think I can succeed this time at staying away... So far so good...

 

 

 

I am wondering if you did this to get a charge out of him- it didn't work and that in itself should be reason enough to stay away-

[Jessie1231]

I am wondering if you did this to get a charge out of him- it didn't work and that in itself should be reason enough to stay away-

 

That's the way it sounded to me too. Because he definitely isn't asking your permission to sleep with his wife every night. Why would you need to know how he would feel if you dated?

 

In this case, no reply speaks clearly as to how much he cares about what goes on in your life.

 

Hopefully that is enough to make you finally give up on this guy.

[whichwayisup]

The last text I sent him was after the office visit and I finally asked him if I can date others during the times he's too busy to spend with me, he didn't respond, as per usual. Obviously I don't need permission but I wanted to know what would happen instead of assume.

 

I think I can succeed this time at staying away... So far so good...

 

This makes no sense. You DO NOT need his permission to date others. He is married and you two aren't really having an affair anymore. So you asked him to test to see what he'd say and what his reaction would be? What if he had told you no, don't date anybody, would you have listened to him?

 

You're no where near over this, and contact will continue on some level, sorry to say. I hope I'm wrong and you prove me wrong though!

[Scarlet2]

If he had said no, don't date, I would have only listened if he was going to show me that he can treat me better than he has been.

 

I wanted him to say yes. It would have officially cut me loose but he chose to not answer. No answer is still an answer and I get to be the one to pick any answer I want... And he can't get mad and throw out the Ross & Rachel "we were on a break" stuff because I did ask, it's not going to be my fault he thought not talking about it was the way to go.

 

I'm glad I sent the question to him because I feel lighter now.

[beach]

Scarlet - I give you permission to date available men.

 

He didn't answer because he knows he is with his wife - trying hard to make his marriage work - and that includes ignoring you as much as possible. He is focusing his time and energy where it should be - on his wife and his marriage.

 

You can date! Go ahead!!! And have lots of fun with men who will treat you right and make you and only you their top priority! You deserve that!!!

 

Get busy dating!!! Enjoy!

[Lurkeraspect]

Scarlett please...

 

Your affair has been over for months.

 

Please, please, please date.

 

Your relationship is over, has been over, is over.

 

You don't need to ask for his approval to date or anything. It's OVER.

 

Please date, live your life, move on.

 

His approval means nothing as he's blissfully living his life. Please do the same.

[whichwayisup]

If he had said no, don't date, I would have only listened if he was going to show me that he can treat me better than he has been.

 

You know he isn't going to treat you any better. Wanna know why? Because you still are in his life on some level and you allow him to treat you this way. He knows he can spit in your face then the next day you'll still be there.

 

I wanted him to say yes. It would have officially cut me loose but he chose to not answer. No answer is still an answer and I get to be the one to pick any answer I want... And he can't get mad and throw out the Ross & Rachel "we were on a break" stuff because I did ask, it's not going to be my fault he thought not talking about it was the way to go.

You have the power to set yourself loose/free, it's just so sad that you are giving him all the power and control here. You can walk away at anytime, but you won't. What really is reality vs what you think reality is, are completely different.

 

I'm glad I sent the question to him because I feel lighter now.

 

Why do you feel lighter? He ignored your question! His silence tells you he couldn't care less what you do. He's got a wife at home and he isn't emotionally invested in you or attached to you. Sorry to be blunt but his actions show you this. Only time he gives you attention is when he sees you backing off, then contacts you! THAT is not love, it's all ego based and all about him loving how much control he has over you.

 

Scarlet please go talk to a therapist so he/she can help you move on with your life without this guy in it.

[Scarlet2]

I feel lighter because I would have kept wondering about it and missing opportunities by holding on for things to change. I'm not holding on anymore.

 

I thought his silence meant that he was avoiding giving me false hope if his answer was no and not wanting to lose his cake if the answer was yes. There was no good way for him to answer because both answers mean good bye. Don't date others, get tired of waiting, leave MM. Date others, another man treats me better and has more time for me, leave MM.

 

He doesn't have the power or control anymore because I'm still not talking to him. I am NC, the only time I have to break it is if my boss tells me to text him a work related question and that doesn't happen very often. Soon it will be 100% NC when I get a job somewhere else.

[Hope Shimmers]

I feel lighter because I would have kept wondering about it and missing opportunities by holding on for things to change. I'm not holding on anymore.

 

I thought his silence meant that he was avoiding giving me false hope if his answer was no and not wanting to lose his cake if the answer was yes. There was no good way for him to answer because both answers mean good bye. Don't date others, get tired of waiting, leave MM. Date others, another man treats me better and has more time for me, leave MM.

 

He doesn't have the power or control anymore because I'm still not talking to him. I am NC, the only time I have to break it is if my boss tells me to text him a work related question and that doesn't happen very often. Soon it will be 100% NC when I get a job somewhere else.

 

No Scarlet, he still has all the power, because you are basing decisions on how to live your life on how he answers (or more appropriately, doesn't answer) your text messages!

 

You are NC because HE doesn't reply to you! Because he doesn't want to be with you. You said it yourself - that if he treated you better, then you would gladly be there and not date other people.

 

Even if you were actually in an affair with him, which you aren't, why on earth do you think HE should make the decision on who you spend your time with!?! You are SINGLE! He is married. He spends his time WITH HIS WIFE! You need to spend your time finding a partner, or at least having fun with others of the opposite sex, just like he has!

 

OMG I honestly don't know how you have not heard one thing people in this thread have said. I just don't get it. I hope to God you wake up one of these days, but I don't think you will.

[Scarlet2]

My god I finally reached the point where I'm done with him and I get accusations that I'm wrong again. And tell me again how it's been over for months when I was just intimate with him again on Memorial Day... Tell me again when he still insists it's not over. When he was yelling at me, he could have shouted it was over but he didn't because it's not over for him, he thinks I'm still on the shelf. He'll find out the next time he gets the itch to play with his toy and it's gone. I am not talking to him, I am not texting him, I am not calling him, I am not seeing him.

[finally43]

Scarlet,

 

While I am a new poster, I have been a reader for a very long time. I have followed this thread since the beginning.

 

Not answering for Hope, but go re-read this thread...see how many times you posted that you were done...only to continue to obsess over him and analyze every thing he said to you (or didn't say to you).

 

Your actions have shown you have no desire to back up your words of "NC" or not interacting with him. So many people have posted on this thread, with the vast majority of them all saying basically the same thing...this guy treats you horribly and you allow it. Posters have become frustrated, as you may be able to tell since few responded when you updated this thread recently. I feel the frustration of posters who watch you say you are going to do xyz and then you end up doing 123...usually the exact opposite.

 

Asking his if you could date looks like it was done to get a reaction...because there was no reason for you to ask his permission. I hope you realize this guy is not your future and you should stay away from him. Not sure when/if you will ever truly be done with him. I wish for your sake that you would be because your life is passing you by while you hang onto some guy who disrespects you so badly. I hope you find the strength to walk away and talk to a counselor to see if you can find out why you have allowed such disrespect to be done to you.

 

Take care of yourself.

[beach]

My god I finally reached the point where I'm done with him and I get accusations that I'm wrong again. And tell me again how it's been over for months when I was just intimate with him again on Memorial Day... Tell me again when he still insists it's not over. When he was yelling at me, he could have shouted it was over but he didn't because it's not over for him, he thinks I'm still on the shelf. He'll find out the next time he gets the itch to play with his toy and it's gone. I am not talking to him, I am not texting him, I am not calling him, I am not seeing him.

 

Does this mean that you won't have sex with him next time he asks?

 

Good for you making a decision to stop contact with him.

 

I hope you stay strong.

[Scarlet2]

Right now I'm not having a very good day. I really don't know if I could say no. I want to say no, I want to say "go have sex with your wife" but I might get sucked into the "it'll be different this time" trap. I hope you are all correct and that he's not going to ask again.

 

Is there a specific kind of counselor that I need to do a keyword search for? Like there are all kinds for marriage, divorce, infidelity, couples but is there one for OW? Or is it just individual counseling? And how much info will they need when I start talking, do they need to know names and places?

[beach]

Right now I'm not having a very good day. I really don't know if I could say no. I want to say no, I want to say "go have sex with your wife" but I might get sucked into the "it'll be different this time" trap. I hope you are all correct and that he's not going to ask again.

 

Is there a specific kind of counselor that I need to do a keyword search for? Like there are all kinds for marriage, divorce, infidelity, couples but is there one for OW? Or is it just individual counseling? And how much info will they need when I start talking, do they need to know names and places?

 

They won't need names or places. They just need to know what you want help with.

 

You could ask for help with being strong. Having a boundary and sticking to it. Learning to honor yourself.

 

What else might you want to work on?

[Timshel]

Right now I'm not having a very good day. I really don't know if I could say no. I want to say no, I want to say "go have sex with your wife" but I might get sucked into the "it'll be different this time" trap. I hope you are all correct and that he's not going to ask again.

 

Is there a specific kind of counselor that I need to do a keyword search for? Like there are all kinds for marriage, divorce, infidelity, couples but is there one for OW? Or is it just individual counseling? And how much info will they need when I start talking, do they need to know names and places?

 

Individual counseling will be fine Scarlet. Find one that feels right for you. You want to talk about what you are feeling and is happening in your life.

You are really coming along...keep asking and questioning, you will find home, comfortable, safe and what you want/need.

 

It won't be 'different this time'.....you are seeing that. It will never be different until you make it so.

[the_artist_1970]

Right now I'm not having a very good day. I really don't know if I could say no. I want to say no, I want to say "go have sex with your wife" but I might get sucked into the "it'll be different this time" trap. I hope you are all correct and that he's not going to ask again.

 

Is there a specific kind of counselor that I need to do a keyword search for? Like there are all kinds for marriage, divorce, infidelity, couples but is there one for OW? Or is it just individual counseling? And how much info will they need when I start talking, do they need to know names and places?

 

The only way counseling will work is with a good counselor and being totally honest and open. A counselor can help you see why you allowed yourself to become a part of a part time relationship where you were satisfied with so little.