married with huge crush on married manager

[a_hulbert]

hi there,

 

i'm not even sure where to begin. i've been reading some similar threads on this forum for quite a while to try and get some advice, but i think i need to post and have members tell me directly how to snap out of it to really hit home.

 

i am female, no kids. i've been (newly) married for just about a year now, and there is nothing *wrong* with my husband or our relationship, although clearly there must be something missing if i'm having this issue to post about in the first place.

 

there is a manger in my workplace (not my manager, just a manager that sits on my floor) that has been flirty with me on and off since i started working here about two years ago. he is older than i am, with a wife and young children. nothing serious, just small things i've noticed such as him summoning me to his office to ask me simple questions that he could have simply asked me over the phone or via email. i thought nothing of it, beyond mild amusement and even telling my husband how transparent his flirting was, and had no attraction to the manager whatsoever. i am not sure what happened, but about a month ago, something clicked with me and i can't stop thinking about the manager all the time. i did start responding to his flirting by engaging him in conversation beyond work topics when he calls me to his office (nothing inappropriate, just talking about our lives after the work-conversation had completed, just making excuses to talk to him longer).

 

at first, he had responded to my actions by flirting more, which i in turn shamefully enjoyed. but about a week ago, he's shut off from me. we used to chat for about 5 minutes a day on the interoffice chat system, but now he "hangs up" on me, doesn't make any effort to talk to me or say hi, and ignores me all day. i know it shouldn't, but it does upset me and now i feel even more crazy about him because i want the attention back. yes, typing this out makes me feel and sound horrible but i'm just writing how i feel. now on weekends i feel down because i can't see or talk to him, and at work, i feel even worse because he ignores me and i get excited that maybe that day, he will talk or ask to see me, but he doesn't and it is crushing. i can't help but to hope and look forward to seeing him, only to be even more sad at the end of the day when i don't.

 

i know we're both married, and i shouldn't feel this way. so far, nothing that has happened that i would be afraid of my husband finding out about. manager and i do talk slightly more than the average coworker, but nothing crazy or would raise red flags. in fact, my husband has seen our chats and texts and thought nothing of it. but inside, i can't stop thinking about the manager and how i miss him, how i wish i could talk to him more and spend time with him. my best guess is that the manager pulled away because he just liked the chase, and now that he knows i am interested, he has lost interest. i'm not sure where i'm going with this... the obvious answer is to NC with the manager, and i have deleted his cell number (we text, which is common at work in my industry where all coworkers text each other as we're in the field) so i don't text him stupid stuff when i miss him to try and get a reply. but i still can't stop thinking about him and why he ignores me now, and how down i feel all the time because he doesn't seem to be interested anymore

 

now i feel so detached from my husband and everything else, nothing makes me excited or happy anymore unless manager texts or says hi to me. it's quite pathetic. and now that he's been blowing me off, i just feel so blah all the time

Edited September 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

Well, you were hooked on your ego stroking by this manager for quite a while. Chances are this manager finally snapped out after noticing that you were getting too involved in this. And you did, you've mentally checked out of your marriage.

 

 

Tell your husband and get marriage counselling. Nothing else will work; and if not even the MC will help, you should seriously consider divorce.

[heartshaped]

These are the steps you need to take immediately.

 

1. Tell your husband and pursue marriage counseling.

 

2. Pursue individual counseling to find out why you need this type of attention.

 

3. Establish boundaries with members of the opposite sex. You are a married woman. Certain behavior is no longer appropriate because it opens you up to THIS.

 

4. Do not text or talk to this man unnecessarily and remove all thought of him from your head.

 

Sounds hard? It is because you've let someone else get into the place only your husband should be in. Every time you catch yourself thinking of him you need to remind yourself that you are married, he's married, and it's not going anywhere nor do you want it to. Redirect your thoughts to your husband. How wonderful he is and the things you love about him.

[NJ123]

Sounds like you have some big problems in your current marriage if your being this way with a married guy. I mean lets be honest, I doubt your husband would be happy if you said everything to him that you said in your post.

[NJ123]

Sounds like you have some big problems in your current marriage if your being this way with a married guy. I mean lets be honest, I doubt your husband would be happy if you said everything to him that you said in your post.

[d0nnivain]

It's OK to fantasize. It's not OK to act on it.

 

Lavish attention on your husband. Force yourself if you have to. Ask him to plan a date night because you need a little romance.

 

Avoid this person at work at all costs.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The guy obviously stopped feeding your ego because he came to his senses and you haven't!

 

It's normal to flirt with coworkers and there are some attached men and women who enjoy pushing the envelope a bit too close to the edge before they realize the sticky predicament they're in. If they're flirting with someone who keeps their advances in check they can coast comfortably without issues but if they meet their match they end up having to decide whether or not to fall over the edge into debauchery or pull away. It's clear your manager felt the need to pull away and cut off all contact with you WHICH IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. No need to over analyze it further.

 

The time and energy you should have been putting into your newlywed marriage was spent up on this guy at work and for what? I don't know your husband but I'm willing to bet he deserves better than this.

 

I am in agreement with the other posters about what you should do next; tell your husband, avoid any further contact with this guy or any other man for that matter and seek counselling BOTH couple's as well as individual counselling ASAP. I think you have some issues you're not even aware of that need to be worked through in order to safeguard yourself from doing this again in the future.

 

Good luck.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The guy obviously stopped feeding your ego because he came to his senses and you haven't!

 

It's normal to innocently flirt with coworkers but there are some attached men and women who enjoy pushing the envelope a bit too close to the edge before they realize the sticky predicament they've put themselves in.

 

If they're flirting with someone who keeps their advances in check they can coast comfortably without issues but if they meet their match they end up having to decide whether or not to fall over the edge into debauchery or pull away. It's clear your manager felt the need to pull away and cut off all contact with you WHICH IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. No need to over analyze it further.

 

The time and energy you should have been putting into your newlywed marriage was wasted on this guy at work and for what? I don't know your husband but I'm willing to bet he deserves better than this.

 

I am in agreement with the other posters about what you should do next; tell your husband, avoid any further contact with this guy or any other man for that matter and seek counselling BOTH couple's as well as individual ASAP. I think you have some issues you're not even aware of that need to be worked through in order to safeguard yourself from doing this again in the future.

 

You should be grateful it didn't go any further.

 

Good luck.

[longjohn]

I found out my now ex wife had done something similar. She and a coworker had a thing for each other. To be fair the coworker told her he was split up from his wife which was a lie of course. She acted on it, I eventually found out and we where divorced a year later. If I where you I'd make a decision.. do you want to remain married? If so you may want to consider counseling. If you want to remain employed you should stop flirting with your manager. I could only speculate that he stopped flirting because he got caught in some fashion.

[a_hulbert]

Although I'm aware that my current situation is beyond innocent flirting, where is that line drawn? I know a lot of coworkers flirt with each other, I am wondering how things like that are usually handled... (this isn't intended to be a snarky question!)

 

I am doing better today. Although I wasn't able to completely ignore/do no contact with said manager (again, he is not *my* manager, just a manager in my building) I tried to keep it to a minimum. However, mentally I am still so very distracted. Typically we chat for about 5-10 minutes at the end of the workday when everyone is chatty and winding down. I find myself looking forward to the end of the day to see if we will chat, and almost putting off work until then because I am so distracted. And throughout the day, I am hyperaware of where he is, what he is doing, and wondering if I will cross paths with him. Although I am improving on my actions, my head is not where it should be!

 

I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but I am not ready or willing to tell my husband about this - yet anyway. I want to try and resolve this on my own first, to see if I can do so. I feel that this situation isn't as bad as many others (physical cheating, long affairs, etc) and telling him may be irreparable when I don't think it's *that* bad yet... I just want to get my head back in the game!

[NJ123]

Although I'm aware that my current situation is beyond innocent flirting, where is that line drawn? I know a lot of coworkers flirt with each other, I am wondering how things like that are usually handled... (this isn't intended to be a snarky question!)

 

I am doing better today. Although I wasn't able to completely ignore/do no contact with said manager (again, he is not *my* manager, just a manager in my building) I tried to keep it to a minimum. However, mentally I am still so very distracted. Typically we chat for about 5-10 minutes at the end of the workday when everyone is chatty and winding down. I find myself looking forward to the end of the day to see if we will chat, and almost putting off work until then because I am so distracted. And throughout the day, I am hyperaware of where he is, what he is doing, and wondering if I will cross paths with him. Although I am improving on my actions, my head is not where it should be!

 

I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but I am not ready or willing to tell my husband about this - yet anyway. I want to try and resolve this on my own first, to see if I can do so. I feel that this situation isn't as bad as many others (physical cheating, long affairs, etc) and telling him may be irreparable when I don't think it's *that* bad yet... I just want to get my head back in the game!

 

Sounds to me like your lying to yourself. You know what your doing is wrong, but you continue to do it anyway since you think it's not as bad as the other situations your comparing yourself to. Your emotionally cheating on your husband.

[dental]

OP

 

You got some maturing to do. You're not 15 anymore.

[Clay]

I would be willing to bet this is not the first time she has cheated. It might not have been with her husband but clearly she has the same foolish logic other cheaters do. " I can deal with this myself". While she continues to put herself in a bad situation each day. By the time she is done it wont take much for this guy to get her clothes off. Then she will be justifying to herself why she deserves to be with the other man and how horrible her Husband is. If he is lucky someone will tell him so he can kick her to the curb. She clearly isn't worth the effort.

[BeholdtheMan]

now i feel so detached from my husband and everything else, nothing makes me excited or happy anymore unless manager texts or says hi to me. it's quite pathetic. and now that he's been blowing me off, i just feel so blah all the time

 

You sound incredibly callous, self-absorbed, and...vapid

 

I would ask you to do unto your husband as you would wish him to do unto you. If your husband really isn't your cup of tea, you might consider a divorce. Having an affair and stringing him along is really the cruelest humiliation you could inflict on him

[stillafool]

You have only been married a year, no kids and already you have a crush on another man. You mention that you are now more attracted to him because he is ignoring you. Have you lost passion for your husband because you now have him and there's no excitement for the chase? You are suppose to still be in the honeymoon stage of your marriage, what happened? Does it bother you to think of your husband in the same position as you lusting for another woman on his job? I think you need independent counseling to get to the root of this before you destroy your marriage.

[a_hulbert]

I am a little surprised by the intensity of the responses; I haven't actually done anything outwardly that would upset anyone - we talk about 5-10 minutes a day, probably 2 days a week. And what we talk about isn't sexual or inappropriate. Although I am on a slippery emotional slope, does this already warrant talks of divorce?

[Elle1975]

Well, when you get married you are not suppose to give what belongs to your husband, and vice versa.

[Clay]

If its not a big deal as you say just tell your husband.

 

Let him decide. I sincerely doubt you will.

[No Limit]

I am a little surprised by the intensity of the responses; I haven't actually done anything outwardly that would upset anyone - we talk about 5-10 minutes a day, probably 2 days a week. And what we talk about isn't sexual or inappropriate. Although I am on a slippery emotional slope, does this already warrant talks of divorce?

 

How are we overreacting? It doesn't matter what you two talked about and it also doesn't matter that you haven't had sex yet; you're going crazy after this man, which isn't normal and definitely not something a wife should do.

 

 

If you want to behave like a single woman, then be a single woman, but don't drag a man you married for whatever reason into this. It's a win win; you can chase after whoever you want (although I'd still recommend single folk to avoid drama and hurt feelings) and your husband can find someone who will lust after him just like you are into the manager.

[NJ123]

If its not a big deal as you say just tell your husband.

 

Let him decide. I sincerely doubt you will.

 

This. Like I said she's lying to herself. If she admits she can't tell her husband, than there's her answer in terms of whether what she's doing is right or wrong.

[Higgs]

There is nothing "wrong" about this.... I understand the OP fully. There is an attraction to this man. We were all attracted to many different people when we were single. I certainly was. The chase was fun. being single is exciting. Flirting all around and all. Thoughts of having romantic encounters with attractive people.

But you know what??? Being married DOES NOT do away with those feelings. So... what the OP needs to come to terms with is that... This is NOT abnormal. Theres no need to sit there and tell her how horrible she is and that shes locked up in a marriage and theres no more happiness to look forward too.

I love my significant other but it hasn't stopped me from noticing an amazing behind at the grocery store. Excuse me for being human.

Alright... now lets look at the other side of the issue. Lets pretend I am her husband! And I found out about this flirting... Im going to be extremely upset, my feelings are going to be hurt. Again! Excuse me for being human.

 

I dont know what the OP wants out of life. But this attraction to this man doesn't mean she doesnt want her husband anymore. Doesnt mean she needs "counseling"... She hasn't done anything to hurt him. Simply taken a deep interest in his attention. If my significant other told me that she was going through this I would be deeply hurt. I would tell her, "Marriage is not a trap, do what is in your heart. This is very sad to know. And im going to hurt for a long time. But you need to remember that marriage is not a trap." Dont know what else I could possibly say. My feelings are never going to be my significant other's prison. If she caters to them she loves me and does so out of her own free will.

[stillafool]

 

We were all attracted to many different people when we were single. I

certainly was. The chase was fun. being single is exciting. Flirting all around

and all. Thoughts of having romantic encounters with attractive people.

 

Yes the above is appropriate behavior for a single person. If one likes the the chase and flirting with attractive people maybe they should remain single and not marry. Why marry if you want to behave this way?

[heartshaped]

There is nothing "wrong" about this.... I understand the OP fully. There is an attraction to this man. We were all attracted to many different people when we were single. I certainly was. The chase was fun. being single is exciting. Flirting all around and all. Thoughts of having romantic encounters with attractive people.

But you know what??? Being married DOES NOT do away with those feelings. So... what the OP needs to come to terms with is that... This is NOT abnormal. Theres no need to sit there and tell her how horrible she is and that shes locked up in a marriage and theres no more happiness to look forward too.

I love my significant other but it hasn't stopped me from noticing an amazing behind at the grocery store. Excuse me for being human.

Alright... now lets look at the other side of the issue. Lets pretend I am her husband! And I found out about this flirting... Im going to be extremely upset, my feelings are going to be hurt. Again! Excuse me for being human.

 

I dont know what the OP wants out of life. But this attraction to this man doesn't mean she doesnt want her husband anymore. Doesnt mean she needs "counseling"... She hasn't done anything to hurt him. Simply taken a deep interest in his attention. If my significant other told me that she was going through this I would be deeply hurt. I would tell her, "Marriage is not a trap, do what is in your heart. This is very sad to know. And im going to hurt for a long time. But you need to remember that marriage is not a trap." Dont know what else I could possibly say. My feelings are never going to be my significant other's prison. If she caters to them she loves me and does so out of her own free will.

 

You've misunderstood.

 

OP has gone beyond attraction or even flirting with this man, which some may feel is appropriate or inappropriate when married, but that's not the point.

 

The point is OP has developed feelings for this man. She looks forward to talking to him, she's distracted by the thought of him, and she has lost interest in her marriage, by her own admission.

 

How in the heck do you think physical affairs start?

 

Just like this except it seems this co-worker has no intention of breaking his marriage vows.

 

OP on the other hand...well, all I'll say is if he had been willing or initiated physical contact with her I'm almost positive she would have had a physical affair.

 

That's what's wrong with all of this and that's why she needs to tell her husband.

 

Her reluctance to do so is just a further admission of guilt.

 

I pity her husband because if this is where she's at only a year of marriage and she's this unwilling to do whatever it takes to make her marriage work they have no hope of making their marriage work in the long run.

 

Marriages need communication to work and communication is about being honest and sometimes honesty hurts, but if you aren't honest with your spouse how can you repair what's broken or how can they even help you with your own issues?

 

OP wants to deal with this herself, but when you marry someone you are suppose to face life's issues together. Good and bad.

 

Be honest OP with yourself and your husband before it's too late.

[Natsu21]

There is nothing "wrong" about this.... I understand the OP fully. There is an attraction to this man. We were all attracted to many different people when we were single. I certainly was. The chase was fun. being single is exciting. Flirting all around and all. Thoughts of having romantic encounters with attractive people.

But you know what??? Being married DOES NOT do away with those feelings. So... what the OP needs to come to terms with is that... This is NOT abnormal. Theres no need to sit there and tell her how horrible she is and that shes locked up in a marriage and theres no more happiness to look forward too.

I love my significant other but it hasn't stopped me from noticing an amazing behind at the grocery store. Excuse me for being human.

Alright... now lets look at the other side of the issue. Lets pretend I am her husband! And I found out about this flirting... Im going to be extremely upset, my feelings are going to be hurt. Again! Excuse me for being human.

 

I dont know what the OP wants out of life. But this attraction to this man doesn't mean she doesnt want her husband anymore. Doesnt mean she needs "counseling"... She hasn't done anything to hurt him. Simply taken a deep interest in his attention. If my significant other told me that she was going through this I would be deeply hurt. I would tell her, "Marriage is not a trap, do what is in your heart. This is very sad to know. And im going to hurt for a long time. But you need to remember that marriage is not a trap." Dont know what else I could possibly say. My feelings are never going to be my significant other's prison. If she caters to them she loves me and does so out of her own free will.

 

You're right, being married doesn't turn off attraction to other people.

 

We all wanted to kill or harm someone, but we didn't do it because it was wrong, correct?

 

Just because she may FEEL the attraction doesn't mean she should act on it. She's married. There are vows, permanent vows to this. And if a married person knows that there's temptation and they aren't strong enough to deal with it, the best thing to do is to avoid it.

 

She's throwing herself right into it, which is how affairs start.

 

We aren't blaming her for having these feelings, we are, however, blaming her for encouraging them at the expense of her husband's feelings. No matter what you say that what she's feeling is normal, how she's acting is wrong.

 

Once you make those marriage vows, you lose your privileges of being single. If you're not ready for the responsibility, don't get married.

Edited September 23, 2014 by Natsu21

[Dork Vader]

How old are you? 21-30? I'm 30 years old and I have found that many people in my generation do not realize there are multiple ways to cheat.

 

 

You can cheat emotionally. You do not even have to meet the person, the cheating can be done over the net and not involve anything sexual. Don't be fooled emotional cheating leads to nearly the exact same pain and hurt that physical cheating does. This very thing is what ruined my relationship with my last girl friend. She was constantly sexting/chexting with other men. After 3 rounds of it I had enough I can't even respect her as a human or friend.

 

 

That said you have almost completely detached from your husband. You said that yourself you don't feel that spark or anything. It seems you've basically already checked out of your marriage.

 

 

I'd nearly bet money given the chance to get physical with this manager you would not say no.

 

 

The one credit I will give you is that you are here asking about it. But it seems you are only interested to know why your manager is no longer interested. You're not really asking how to save your marriage. You've also done a TON of damage to your marriage. You can see it already but you don't realize it.

 

 

I highly doubt your husband is as clueless as you think. He's likely noticed that something is different, but he's likely brushing it off as marriage blues or something.

 

 

You think you've done nothing wrong? How would you react if you found out your husband liked someone else more then you? Told you the spark from your marriage is gone and the only thing that makes him happy is his coworker? Exactly my point.

 

 

I highly recommend you seek the advice of a therapist TOMORROW. Your marriage is going to end shortly if you do not.

 

 

If you have any desire to keep your marriage from completely falling apart. You're also likely going to need to search for a new place of employment.

 

 

Simply google "marriage therapist (insert home town)" start calling around and find one that will accept your insurance and is affordable to you. Go to the first meeting solo and tell them what is going on. They can walk you through the steps of saving your marriage.

 

 

And knock of the "I did not do anything wrong" crap. It's the same song and dance from every single cheater. You know you have done something wrong if not you'd tell your husband all about your new crush.