Vendiga Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Before me and my husband got married I found his porn mags in his bathroom and confronted him about them (in a nice funny way). I was sweet and asked him if he left him in his bathroom on purpose for me to find. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and as we were having sex ALOT during that time (every day - 2/3 times a day) I was puzzled as to why he needed to jack off since we were so sexually active. He said he used them before we got together and would throw them away. He later threw them away. Shortly after we got married we had our first big fight. What did he do? He ran out and bought some KY Jelly and more magazines. He hid them but I found them (they weren't hidden well enough) which once again made me wonder if he wanted me to find them on purpose. I got his magazines and his KY Jelly and put them on his pillow with a note "You'd think after being a bachelor for so long you'd appreciate a real woman over these magazines". I was hurt and angry with him because I think he intentionally wants me to know he looks at other women and gets off on them. If he masturbated in private and kept this out of my face I wouldn't be so hurt. I think he really enjoys hurting me by showing me he looks at other women for pleasure. Yet he constantly reinforces to me that if I ever cheat on him he's kicking me out the door. What gives? It seems he enjoyed the revenge on "showing me" he'd go buy porn whenever I piss him off. Maybe I should buy my own porn mag and a new vibrator and leave it conveniently out for him to find but I hate this - I'm loyal to him and faithful. I want a satisfying marriage and sex life but now I'm just turned off - I want to vomit when he touches me. I told him how I felt about his blatant use of porn - he said he loved me and understood and he wouldn't want me looking at naked men with big penises - and he said he would not do this. Yet he goes and does it anyway. I lost trust in him - he's gonna do what he wants dispite how I feel. It's not a porn issue - it's the fact he's a hypocrite. He threatens me that if I ever cheat on him and doesn't want me looking at naked men to get off on - yet he's doing whatever the hell he wants. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 The KY/porn fetish is definitely a creature comfort to your husband, similar to how a child latches onto a teddy bear or favorite blanket. Now he's using it as a weapon... did you say something that hurt him the first time you argued? Maybe he's just a sensitive type, or maybe he needs to be more discreet. There's probably a lot more beneath the surface than meets the eye, but chances are you won't be able to stop him, since he was like this before you got married. Your arguments seem to give him more incentive to resume where he left off, given that you're becoming more and more disgusted with him. Sounds like he doesn't have a problem with it, and he's already found a cheap alternative that he can rely on. You guys need to reassess your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TylerC Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Why don't you and him make your own porn together, that'll give him something to fulfill his needs to masturbate and you don't have to worry about him getting off to other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Vendiga Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 TylerC - trust me - I am not shy when it comes to sex and I have initiated alot but my husband freezes in bed and just wants regular sex. I like it wild and crazy and beg him to open up - you'd think he'd want to try new things, talk dirty after looking at his porn mags but to no avail. Honestly I'm bored with our sex life and am about ready to turn to porn (or other men) myself. I think he's a lazy lover and it's easier to jack off than be a man and perform for a real woman. Link to post Share on other sites
young&idealistic Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 I was planning on condemning him for using porn as a weapon until I read your last quote. Have you told him you think he's boring sexually and you're thinking about turning to other men? In that case, it's a little more understandable that he would turn to porn. When he looks at porn he can fantasize that he's a stud. It's his way of telling you he doesn't need you. Male egos are extremely fragile and they have to be nurtured. Don't get me wrong, his ego being bruised does not excuse him for intentionally hurting you with porn. But you might try to be more sensitive with him when you criticize your sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 What jumped out at me was that you said "He hid it but I found it" in one part of your post then you posted "If he would do it in private and not in my face I wouldn't get so upset" He had it HID. He was trying to do it in private and you found his stash! Masturbating is NOT cheating! It's a solo activity regardless if you're looking at porn or whatever it is that you do. No other REAL person is involved. I don't get why some women are so offended by this. It's really not about YOU unless he's wacking off all the time rather than making love with you. It's a stress relief for men- heck it's a stress relief for me. I'd be very upset if my lover told me I could never masturbate again because it was cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Maybe your H hides this from you because he doesn't care to hear you rag/nag and bit*ch about it. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Vendiga, I happen to agree with you. I must be old fashioned, whatever. I think it's adultery, and that's the way I feel...period! Now I do NOT agree with you where think you should sleep around due to the lack of sex (or the the increase in porn/masturbation). What is that about?!?! That's over the top! Admit it! If any pornography, I prefer home-made porn, pictures of one another and wild & crazy sex for satisfaction. Never another being, magazine, pornographic movies, ANYTHING that could 'taint' the commitment that my husband and I have. We have this agreement together. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband. He needs to open up sexually TO YOU. You guys need to do a little bit of experimenting in the sack. Do some searches here at LS. There's a few 'kinky' threads out there with PLENTY of ideas. Heat it up, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Looking at porn is far different then sticking your pole in some other girl. So I wouldn't call it cheating. The one thing I noticed is that he said he wouldn't want you to look at magazines with guys in them. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander. I think your relationship has a far bigger problem.Honestly I'm bored with our sex life and am about ready to turn to porn (or other men) myself. I think you should have a talk with him and try to liven up your sex-lives. Banging some other dude is only going to cause a whole heap of other problems! Link to post Share on other sites
mymojo Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Buy a vibrator and d/load your own collection of porn, leave them lying about just as openly as he leaves his masterbatory supplies lying around. The next time he reaches for you, smile sweetly and say "thanks honey but no thanks, I've rubbed a few out and am more than satisfied" I can tell you they don't like being given a taste of their own medicine very much and they really hate it when you decide you won't jump at the chance whenever they decide to lower themselves enough to actually have sex with you. btw for added fun, when he looks at you in total shock, simply tell him to "just get over it, that his insecurity is a total turn off to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted March 12, 2005 Share Posted March 12, 2005 Sometimes words don't get through as much as actions do. Why don't you buy a magazine rack and fill it with playboy/girl and other xxx mags, be casual about it and tell him he's sparked an interest in these types of mags that you thought you didn't like before. He'll get a taste of how he makes you feel. You can stick a dildo and KY in it too. Link to post Share on other sites
whatamidoinghere Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 I had to reply because I was talking about this with someone the other day. Everyone has a fantasy world. And unfortunately, most if not all men dig porn. It's a fantasy. It is not cheating, just them being pigs. I think it is more of a respect issue. This kind of thing doesn't bother me per se, but if you have told him it makes you uncomfortable, he needs to do something about it, whether quit it and get it on with you more, or tell him he better hide it really well because you DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ITS GOING ON. Some of the other people's ideas in here work too. Go to an online sex shop, and look at the goodies there. You may find something you like. Order it and then leave it out for him to wonder about. I actually had an ex who used to work as a bouncer in a stripbar who felt threatened by my vibrator i got as a birthday gift from a friend. Then again, it DID have 5 speeds. Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 This thread is comical...now our S/O's want to control our masterbation habits...He's been masturbating since he was a kid, now that he's married to a "real woman" he has to stop...that is laughable..If you were a "real woman" you wouldn't be insecure over a tube of KY and some porn mags...not like he's banging someone else..Masturbation is a natural thing and something we start at the prepubescent stage...****, if my bf ever told me I couldn't masturbate I would laugh my ass off...and not only do I encourage him to jack off when i'm not around, but I also get turned on watching him...C'mon folks..loosen up!! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 Did she say masturbation was the problem or porn? I believe she said porn. Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 he's masturbating TO porn.....her thing is he shouldn't be masturbating to anyting if he's content with their sex life...I believe masturbation (whether is to pornmags, porn cd's, bike magaznes, etc) is a normal thing that has nothing to do with someone's sex life. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 Okay, Boatingbabe, If you say so. That's just not what I gathered. Originally posted by Vendiga If he masturbated in private and kept this out of my face I wouldn't be so hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaiian43 Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 Masturbation never bothered me, especially after I bought a vibrator at a sex toy party which was thrown for a friends birthday. I think it is totally natural and can be a good thing. When it comes to porn and my bfs, it was just the fact of him getting off looking at other women that I didn't like. My ex fiance always had a porn in his VCR. This used to bother me since we had a great sex life, I didn't understand why he watched it. 3 years into our relationship, I found out he was sleeping with another women. I thought thinking of him getting off to porn was bad.. Knowing he was kissing, touching, and having sex with another women is torture. I know the women he cheated on me with and I still picture them being intimate. It hurts and the thought still kills me. After going through being cheated on, I can't believe I was ever upset about porn. I would rather any day my man get release or whatever he wants from a picture or a video then to have to go through what I did when he turned to a 'real' other women. Link to post Share on other sites
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