Do you believe in second chances?

[strong-hearted]

ok so people, my now ex left me about a month ago or so, he says that the reason why is cuz we had too many "fights' and that he wasn't happy with me any more, the break-up left me soo broken-hearted, there's not one day that goes by that i dont think about him. the thing is also he started dating someone so quick, people tell me she's a rebound and that he will come back to me, so the question here is do you all believe in second chances

[mightycpa]

ok so people, my now ex left me about a month ago or so, he says that the reason why is cuz we had too many "fights' and that he wasn't happy with me any more, the break-up left me soo broken-hearted, there's not one day that goes by that i dont think about him. the thing is also he started dating someone so quick, people tell me she's a rebound and that he will come back to me, so the question here is do you all believe in second chances

 

You didn't mention your ages or how long you were together. That info always helps with questions like yours, but for me at least, I think I have enough information already to answer your question.

 

I do believe in second chances, sometimes. But based on what you described, not in your case. I think he's finished with you. Even if you do get back together, the part of your personality that made you fight and made him unhappy will display itself, and he will remember and he will leave again.

 

So do yourself a favor and abandon all hope. Reflect on what happened, and see if there's any fault in you. If so, learn from it and apply those lessons to the people you'll meet in the future.

[evanescentworld]

Second chances have a far greater hope of working if the Dumper really wants them to.

The person dumped - has no say in the matter.

 

So it's not for you to seek and hope for a second chance - it's for him to realise he would rather be with you than anyone else, and come what may, he will do everything in his power to make sure it works better the second time around.

 

On the basis of the information you have supplied - It's the two hopes:

Bob Hope and no hope.

 

I'd quit thinking about it, now, and be determined to move on.

[strong-hearted]

we're both 25,

i do understand what you mean and trust me i know i made some mistakes and i told him i was willing to do anything to make it up to him but what he did tell me is he needed a break...ok so this is what happened: he said he needed a break and that deep down he still had love for me but he said it like this "i know we have this love deep down that can bring us back together" then when we agreed to take a break, i find out through someone else that he's "talking" to someone. i have given him space as well, before we decided to take a break he told me he knew what we had and that's why i still have hope cuz we had an amazing relationship

[evanescentworld]

No.

He was trying to 'let you down gently', because he knew that a cut-off like "I have met someone else" puts the blame on him. Nobody likes to be blame-worthy, so they 'project' out of themselves and make excuses.

 

So he gave you false hope AND he lied.

 

And you want to get back together?

[Boomshine]

ok so people, my now ex left me about a month ago or so, he says that the reason why is cuz we had too many "fights' and that he wasn't happy with me any more, the break-up left me soo broken-hearted, there's not one day that goes by that i dont think about him. the thing is also he started dating someone so quick, people tell me she's a rebound and that he will come back to me, so the question here is do you all believe in second chances

 

If we only count intimate relationships, with my current situation, I've had two second chances. If we count friendships as well, I've had four second chances. And that's just with one woman in particular. The fact of the matter is, second chances DO exist. In fact, I would be willing to bet that if you asked couples who have been married for decades at this point, during SOME point in their relationship they went through a breakup. Maybe not during the marriage, but in their dating phase at least.

 

All relationships suffer some amount of doubt at some point. And most people suffer that doubt enough that they act upon it. But the key is during the period of not being together, both parties reach a point of becoming unaffected / emotionally detached. It's only then that when you reconnect, that you're both truly starting something new, as opposed to some continuation of the old relationship.

 

Breakups don't happen because of a loss of attraction. They happen because negative emotions get in the way of allowing that attraction to work at its full strength. If you allow yourself both enough time to lose the emotional attachment / ability to be affected, then you have a TRUE chance at reconciliation. And the reason a significant amount of "reconciliation" stories wind up failing is because one party accepts the other back during the bargaining stage of grieving. If both parties hold out until they're both certain they've both gone through all five stages of grieving, there's a significantly higher chance of the reconciliation being a lasting story.

 

So long story short, YES. I DO believe in second chances. But I think too many people give the other a second chance before they're truly ready to be given a second chance. And this is coming from someone who had a girlfriend, then was FWB with her TWICE, then platonic friends with her TWICE. We're no longer friends, and I'm giving her (and myself) the time to go through ALL the stages of grieving. And then we'll see if maybe our attraction to each other is strong enough to pull us back together again later. But I've been burned so many times, that I'm tired of going through the heartache of losing her, getting her back, and losing her again weeks or months down the road. It may take you the same situation to fully grasp this, and if so, my heart goes out to you. But I hope you can read my story and its truth can reach you before you have to suffer a similar fate to what I have over these last 2.5 years since the very first time she broke up with me.

[Boomshine]

Second chances have a far greater hope of working if the Dumper really wants them to.

The person dumped - has no say in the matter.

 

So it's not for you to seek and hope for a second chance - it's for him to realise he would rather be with you than anyone else, and come what may, he will do everything in his power to make sure it works better the second time around.

 

On the basis of the information you have supplied - It's the two hopes:

Bob Hope and no hope.

 

I'd quit thinking about it, now, and be determined to move on.

 

While your intentions are obviously well-meant, there's one thing in particular you need to remember about being in this situation. Our OP, strong-hearted, is not CHOOSING to think about this. It's not a conscious, logical thought process that is causing this. It's subconscious thought, EMOTION, that makes them feel this way. And while rectifying the situation is something that must be trained on a daily basis, you're essentially telling them "just be able to do it now!"

 

The metaphor I've been using recently in regards to my own situation (which the OP is also in) is thus: You decide to set a goal for yourself to be able to bench press 300 pounds. But you won't be able to wake up one day, and just be able to do it. You MUST train to get there. You have to go through the process of starting at whatever weight you can manage, and each day, push your limits further and further, until the day you CAN finally lift 300 pounds.

 

And that is the same situation with breakups: You MUST train to get there. But the training in this regard is essentially "faking it until you make it." You have to PRACTICE being emotionally detached from / unaffected by this particular person until you truly achieve it. You start by not showing that you're affected to them in particular, even though you may still have those feelings, and express them to your friends or on forums such as this. And then it gets to a point where you're talking to friends or posting about them less frequently. And you're thinking about them less frequently. Then you're hardly thinking about them at all. And finally, you rarely think about them ever. And when you do, it's about some nice memory you have from the past, but when it ultimately comes down to it, you shrug it off, because enough time has passed that you've learned how to live your life without this particular person being an active figure in it.

 

OP, I understand where you're at right now. Especially if this is the first critical breakup you've ever been through. If not, go back and analyze how you've coped through the other(s). But if so, have faith in the process. Practically everyone gets through a breakup, no matter how s***ty the circumstances may seem at the time. You will get there as well. You just have to have faith in believing that what you have not seen thus far will come to be true. And we're here to help you every step of the way until you reach that point, no matter how forceful some responses from some people on this forum may seem at times. Don't give up, don't lose faith, and don't be afraid to ask for help. There are ALWAYS people here who are willing to help you. Your feelings will be heard and validated, while still guiding you along the path towards a better future. And those who seem to not understand, just remember, they DO still have the best intentions for you. It's just hard for them to truly be able to put themselves in your shoes at this one particular moment and fully empathize/sympathize with the situation you're currently in. But that does not mean you're ever truly alone. Not in the slightest. Everyone wants the best for you. We really do. And we know you'll get there. You just have to know you'll get there as well.

[singsparkles]

ok so people, my now ex left me about a month ago or so, he says that the reason why is cuz we had too many "fights' and that he wasn't happy with me any more, the break-up left me soo broken-hearted, there's not one day that goes by that i dont think about him. the thing is also he started dating someone so quick, people tell me she's a rebound and that he will come back to me, so the question here is do you all believe in second chances

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See, this is a really tough situation. I believe in second chances ALL THE WAY, because people are imperfect and they do stupid things. But the fact that he moved on so quick and was onto another person is such a red flag. My advice would be to take things slow, try being friends and see where things go. Make him work for your love, and see where things go. Try to dig deep and see how deep his feelings are for you first before you jump into a relationship again. He needs to gain your trust back!

[todreaminblue]

I do believe in second chances .......but only if they are sincere in wanting a chance...and too much time hasn't passed by...i feel if that chance is wanted after having a relationship with someone else that you ought to be careful giving a chance...the guy might be in for the count while the relationship is sweet and out and on to someone else when its not..............deb

[No Limit]

No. This is life, the toughest game there is. And it doesn't have a reset button or can be replayed like old recordings. I won't waste my time with someone too ignorant to walk through life without screwing up every time they try.

[Jenmarie]

I believe in second chances. I was broken up with someone for three months, (I was the dumpee, we fought constantly and became very unhappy in our past relationship) and we got back together. However, we didn't have someone new/dated anyone else. I stuck with NC for 3 months, then slowly began talking to him (about our mutual interests, etc NOT our relationship). I changed a lot, and was much more happier and had a lot of confidence from working on myself. It's easy to be with someone if they're happy.

 

And besides, do you even want a second chance with this guy? What if you two deal with fighting again? Is he going to just dump you and find another girl? Chances are, I'm sure you'd be insecure of that happening. Not worth the trouble, honestly.

 

I would focus on moving on though if he has someone else. Is your ideal kind of guy who would date someone else after being with you? Absolutely not. Your dream guy would be working on a way to fix things with you, or at least have the decency to be alone for awhile after a breakup with you.

 

Also, are you in NC? How do you know he has someone else already? If you're keeping tabs in his life, stalking him via social networking websites, remaining in touch with him, this is a big no no.

[strong-hearted]

Thank you everyone so soo much for your wonderful advice, no I haven't contacted him in almost two months, the reason why I know he's seeing someone is cuz he told me. I am actually trying to get on with my life as best as I can but sometimes I get those flashbacks n it makes me feel sad, I have changed ever since n no I'm not stalking him trust me I would only be hurting myself if I do that!

[Jenmarie]

Good, keep doing you, girl. You deserve better, anyway!

[strong-hearted]

Good, keep doing you, girl. You deserve better, anyway!

 

thank you girl!

I'm not gonna lie I look back at it and think, wow it really hurts to know that he went from "you're amazing" to "I'm not happy with you any more"

he knew how bad it was gonna hurt and to be honest, he hit me where it hurts the most: flaunting his "new girl" on Instagram so that was a low blow...well thank god I blocked him before he even posted that picture so I didn't see it, someone had to text me to tell me he moved on so that's really mature huh

[Boomshine]

it's gonna suck, but there's ultimately one way to go about this: Just let it all play out. If he jumped ship from you and nearly immediately onto another ship, it's going to fail. Something will definitely happen. He'll put his foot in his mouth, she'll turn out to be a terrible match for him, or something of the like.

 

if he got into a new relationship so quickly, he likely hasn't gone through the grieving process. And even though he might have been "checked out" from your relationship for some amount of time, he still has to do the grieving while you're actually not around. And if he's spending his time with someone else, he's not grieving properly. He's distracting himself from the grieving process. As soon as she's gone, it's all gonna hit him all the harder.

 

After my ex from 2007 dumped me, I saw two women for short periods in the next 3 months after she and I went full NC. After both women called it off with me, the pain from the breakup with the initial ex came back just as strong. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was essentially using them as romantic distractions. Don't get me wrong, I did like them, but I hadn't been coping, reflecting, and grieving properly in the slightest.

 

Let him go off and make this mistake. I know you're already doing this in action by maintaining NC, but the hope here is that you're able to eventually let him go mentally as well. It takes time, but with practice, you'll definitely achieve it. Use this time to build yourself up more. Find things to do that you're passionate about, and that define you as a person. Spend more time with your friends, and even work on making new friends as well.

 

And some day, he'll come back around after realizing how much he f***ed up. And you can decide where to go from there.

[strong-hearted]

it's gonna suck, but there's ultimately one way to go about this: Just let it all play out. If he jumped ship from you and nearly immediately onto another ship, it's going to fail. Something will definitely happen. He'll put his foot in his mouth, she'll turn out to be a terrible match for him, or something of the like.

 

if he got into a new relationship so quickly, he likely hasn't gone through the grieving process. And even though he might have been "checked out" from your relationship for some amount of time, he still has to do the grieving while you're actually not around. And if he's spending his time with someone else, he's not grieving properly. He's distracting himself from the grieving process. As soon as she's gone, it's all gonna hit him all the harder.

 

After my ex from 2007 dumped me, I saw two women for short periods in the next 3 months after she and I went full NC. After both women called it off with me, the pain from the breakup with the initial ex came back just as strong. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was essentially using them as romantic distractions. Don't get me wrong, I did like them, but I hadn't been coping, reflecting, and grieving properly in the slightest.

 

Let him go off and make this mistake. I know you're already doing this in action by maintaining NC, but the hope here is that you're able to eventually let him go mentally as well. It takes time, but with practice, you'll definitely achieve it. Use this time to build yourself up more. Find things to do that you're passionate about, and that define you as a person. Spend more time with your friends, and even work on making new friends as well.

 

And some day, he'll come back around after realizing how much he f***ed up. And you can decide where to go from there.

 

thank you so much for your advice, but yeah I'm doing good so far, I recently got a job I'm going to school and I'm starting my life all over again, when he finally had the balls to confess he was "talking" to someone I just told him good luck with everything and I let him go, he will realize he lost an amazing woman

[Boomshine]

thank you so much for your advice, but yeah I'm doing good so far, I recently got a job I'm going to school and I'm starting my life all over again, when he finally had the balls to confess he was "talking" to someone I just told him good luck with everything and I let him go, he will realize he lost an amazing woman

 

You're gonna kill it girl. So how are you feeling now? Anything else to get off your chest, and out in the open? Anything else you wanna ask about? Or does it all just boil down to the second chances question?

[strong-hearted]

You're gonna kill it girl. So how are you feeling now? Anything else to get off your chest, and out in the open? Anything else you wanna ask about? Or does it all just boil down to the second chances question?

 

well honestly I'm not gonna lie, above all I still hope he comes back, you know, before he divested to leave me I asked him if there was still hope for us and he said yes. Idk what to think now

[Boomshine]

well honestly I'm not gonna lie, above all I still hope he comes back, you know, before he divested to leave me I asked him if there was still hope for us and he said yes. Idk what to think now

 

Time will tell in that regard. I do think there could be a chance. But emphasis on chance. It's all up to how things turn out in the future. Give him space to make his mistakes, and realize what he's walked away from. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone," you know?

 

If hope is what helps you get through this phase, go for it. A time may come where you decide you're done hoping, or maybe over the journey, you find someone better suited for you than him in the current moment. Be open to ALL possibilities, and life can surprise you in many wonderful ways.

[dumbass2]

I've never been in a second chance type situation and with being dumped recently definately do not feel that the dumper is coming back. I was in denial early on and thought her actions meant that but they didn't. You do miss each other but it doesn't mean the dumper wants you back. It is all up to the dumper so don't count on it and do not wait for it because I'd be 99% sure it ain't gonna happen and if it did you would go through this all again. I'll tell you one thing. I will not go through this hell again with her and would never take her back. That's how I feel today. A few weeks from now that might change. I hope to god not. Hang in there and stay NC but don't wait around.

[strong-hearted]

Time will tell in that regard. I do think there could be a chance. But emphasis on chance. It's all up to how things turn out in the future. Give him space to make his mistakes, and realize what he's walked away from. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone," you know?

 

If hope is what helps you get through this phase, go for it. A time may come where you decide you're done hoping, or maybe over the journey, you find someone better suited for you than him in the current moment. Be open to ALL possibilities, and life can surprise you in many wonderful ways.

 

you are absolutely right, it's been almost two months since I've talked to him, for my own sanity I don't stalk him on any social network so that's good, one thing that makes me feel comfort is that I know I was good to him in every way, his family and friends love me for one I don't drink, smoke party or go out clubbing or anything like that and he loved that about me so that's why I'm hurt cuz he even said "it makes me sad cuz I know what we had" so I'm giving him his space cuz he did say he wanted things to be how they used to be..that's until I found out he was seeing someone (the rebound)

don't give me wrong, I know he's not taking her serious because since I still follow his friends on Instagram n one of them posted a picture of all the guys clubbing..my x was there too, then I thought he never did that with me, he respected me enough to not go clubbing with or without me, ure a guy so you understand a little better about what I'm trying to say

[Boomshine]

you are absolutely right, it's been almost two months since I've talked to him, for my own sanity I don't stalk him on any social network so that's good, one thing that makes me feel comfort is that I know I was good to him in every way, his family and friends love me for one I don't drink, smoke party or go out clubbing or anything like that and he loved that about me so that's why I'm hurt cuz he even said "it makes me sad cuz I know what we had" so I'm giving him his space cuz he did say he wanted things to be how they used to be..that's until I found out he was seeing someone (the rebound)

don't give me wrong, I know he's not taking her serious because since I still follow his friends on Instagram n one of them posted a picture of all the guys clubbing..my x was there too, then I thought he never did that with me, he respected me enough to not go clubbing with or without me, ure a guy so you understand a little better about what I'm trying to say

 

Yup, I understand. Sounds like he just needs a bit of time to "live the other lifestyle." i honestly believe with time, he'll be back around. You'll want to make sure you're both completely through with your grief though. there's a HIGH chance you'll hear from him when he's in the bargaining stage. And by that point, you should have already gone through your grief, since he likely won't start his until she's gone. You'll be able to care about him, yet be unaffected by him. And hopefully you'll be able to take the time to sit back, and objectively observe where he's at. make sure he's also at a point where he cares, but is unaffected. Then you'll know for sure. Then you'll be able to start something completely fresh, and have a true chance at reconciliation.

 

Getting an ex back is playing the long game. And you cannot accept any of their initial gambits at getting you back. Like I said before, I've done that 4 times (before knowing any better) with just one particular girl. Things wind up falling back into old, bad habits. If you accept him back during bargaining, a few weeks will pass, and it will start too feel all too familiarly like the old relationship. Which failed. You HAVE to have a fresh start. And that can only happen once you've both emotionally detached from each other.

[strong-hearted]

Yup, I understand. Sounds like he just needs a bit of time to "live the other lifestyle." i honestly believe with time, he'll be back around. You'll want to make sure you're both completely through with your grief though. there's a HIGH chance you'll hear from him when he's in the bargaining stage. And by that point, you should have already gone through your grief, since he likely won't start his until she's gone. You'll be able to care about him, yet be unaffected by him. And hopefully you'll be able to take the time to sit back, and objectively observe where he's at. make sure he's also at a point where he cares, but is unaffected. Then you'll know for sure. Then you'll be able to start something completely fresh, and have a true chance at reconciliation.

 

Getting an ex back is playing the long game. And you cannot accept any of their initial gambits at getting you back. Like I said before, I've done that 4 times (before knowing any better) with just one particular girl. Things wind up falling back into old, bad habits. If you accept him back during bargaining, a few weeks will pass, and it will start too feel all too familiarly like the old relationship. Which failed. You HAVE to have a fresh start. And that can only happen once you've both emotionally detached from each other.

 

 

that's true, that is why I haven't bothered him because I want to give him some space and let him live the experience and just hope he decides to work things out, I'm also starting a counseling session this Wednesday so I hope that helps as well. one thing I'm doing is I'm not seeing anyone right now, honestly I've been talking to friends and family that would be my way of dealing with this whole thing..did I mention the girl he is trying to replace me with has a kid

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

that's true, that is why I haven't bothered him because I want to give him some space and let him live the experience and just hope he decides to work things out, I'm also starting a counseling session this Wednesday so I hope that helps as well. one thing I'm doing is I'm not seeing anyone right now, honestly I've been talking to friends and family that would be my way of dealing with this whole thing..did I mention the girl he is trying to replace me with has a kid

 

Honestly, it doesnt matter what he is doing or trying to do. Just worry about you right now.

 

Good luck on your sessions.

[strong-hearted]

Honestly, it doesnt matter what he is doing or trying to do. Just worry about you right now.

 

Good luck on your sessions.

 

thank you so much, that is what I'm trying to do is just get on with my life as best as I can and just get back up on my feet