Lets be real

[No Foolin]

The main thought that I am hearing from many of us is "how do I go on without insert name". When we think like that my answer is: Good question? Someone once told me if you think yourself as something "your right". So if you view yourself as lost, lonely, worthless, ugly, guess what...............Your right!

 

Nobody on this planet is going to save you. You are on your own, period. You shared a portion of your life with someone and now it is over (for whatever reason). You can now close that book. I really am not trying to hear the noise of "I'll never have someone like this again!" or my favorite "They made me feel such in such way". Listen good people, you make yourself feel a certain way, once again, you make yourself feel a certain way. If someone says something that you agree with, you are apt to take it to heart; thus, if I said "hey your good looking" if you truely feel that you are, bingo, you will believe. If you don't it will bounce off of you like a drunk guy in a batting cage.

 

My point is accept who you are good and bad and you will realize the power of your ex is just some damaged tapes that you have had in you head for years. They will begin to shut off. I'll go first.

 

People, I am one of the most disorganized humans on the planet. The word responsiblity applys about 50% of the time to me (on good days). My apartment looks like I threw a pipe bomb in a wood shop. If my gas tank is 50% full it is cause for a freaking national holiday, and I'm in grad school. But, I am also intelligent, brave and through experience have become one of the strongest people I know, who will ultimately do the right thing. Thats the good and bad, nothing I can do about it, why would I want to? I'm real.

 

You can't make people love or like you, if you can't deal with yourself. As long as this is a war that you have with yourself, your pretty much screwed. People will begin to look at you differently when you do the same for you. When you realize that you are not your car, clothes, home, parents, relationship or whatever, your free. Then in the future when someone asks you about your ex you can smile and with all the love in you heart say "Like I give a fu*k"

 

No Foolin

[almathea]

The longer I am on LS the more I realize No Foolin is one of the wisest people. Good advice....taking that look in is almost as hard as the loss sometimes. Thats where I am at. Taking a reality check with myself and some decisions I have made in my life. Realizing that we arent always the best or worst in every situiation. I agree with you completely no foolin.

[d'Arthez]

Grammar is not prohibited. There exist important differences between "you are" and "your", which made some sentences difficult to understand.

 

That is no wisdom, it comes closer to indifference in fact.

 

If you would indeed be able to make yourself feel good, you would not need, and seek for, the other person. Relationships would never develop further than FWB.

 

People are no machines!

 

Responsibility always applies for the full 100%.

 

To do ultimately the right thing you have the rest of your life-time. People move on quicker from ex's than that.

 

Indifference to an ex, only proves that your own love was not mature in itself.

[No Foolin]

LOL, yes and I can admit my grammatical mistakes as well. How do I respond to this.......................... You mentioned responsibility, listen Slick, when you are 100% I will build a church in your name. Your post smacks of perfection, thus I just had to respond. You appear to come from the school of victimization (nothing I can do for you, but tell you there is another way).

 

You mentioned that I have the rest of my life to do the right thing....................... I don't remember my days being promised to me.....Could be dead come the next ten minutes........Not going to waste my time on a person who doesn't care about me.

 

Not being indifferent to an ex makes you go to the second chances forum (pipe dream). My school is reality, whats yours? You will find that what I say to others is what helps them get through the evening. I am not going to push a BS product which won't get them to the light, after all this is the COPING forum.

 

LOL

 

 

People are no machines!

 

 

P.S. if your going to get all haughty about grammer, you need to make sure you sh*t is squared away as well, LOL. Sometimes I have to let the devil out.

 

No Foolin

[whichwayisup]

Grammar is not prohibited. There exist important differences between "you are" and "your", which made some sentences difficult to understand.

 

That is no wisdom, it comes closer to indifference in fact.

 

If you would indeed be able to make yourself feel good, you would not need, and seek for, the other person. Relationships would never develop further than FWB.

 

People are no machines!

 

Responsibility always applies for the full 100%.

 

To do ultimately the right thing you have the rest of your life-time. People move on quicker from ex's than that.

 

Indifference to an ex, only proves that your own love was not mature in itself.

 

Everyone has the right to an opinion, but I think most don't really care if No Foolin's grammer is abit off...Or if he is disorganized...Don't be bashing him eh! Around here he's a WISE GURU!!!! Gives amazing words of support and comforting words to those who reallly need it.

 

Not be snotting here, just calling it as I see it! Just really unfair to pick apart someone who gives awesome advice!

 

No Foolin' I'm 34 and so disorganized it's unreal. Our bedroom is ALWAYS a complete mess. Who cares? Noone sees it but myself and my husband. lol. And if someone does see, I don't care!!! The messier the better I say. Make the bed?? Nope, never. HEHEHE...

 

People move on quicker from ex's than that.

 

Some do, some don't. Around here, most don't...Hense this COPING forum...

[d'Arthez]

WWIU, not everybody is a native speaker of the English language. Look at my handle, and you might draw some inferences from that. The grammar in itself is not a big deal, but I don't want to read every paragraph 5 times, because of poor grammar.

 

Second of all, I had no intention to bash him; on a lot of points we would agree instantaneously. I pointed out a small logical error (sorry if I came across a bit offensive, I had not the intention to do that), with ultimately move on. If he reworded that he would have written a good mantra for most people who try to cope with the loss of a relationship.

 

One point of consequence remains: Indifference to an ex, only proves that your own love was not mature in itself.

It should therefore not be promoted as the end-point in what No Foolin wrote. It's only the halfway point of the healing process. The hard half, so to speak. Admittedly most of us never would complete the second half. But without striving for the perfect, we could never reach the perfect relationship.

 

Added: Furthermore, I don't believe in second chances, so don't doubt my sense of reality.

[moimeme]

Indifference to an ex, only proves that your own love was not mature in itself.

 

Actually, indifference means you've healed completely. If you no longer can be affected by the relationship or loss thereof, you're all done with it, have done your grieving, and are ready to move on. Hatred or anger or sadness signal that you are still in need of processing your issues.

 

The grammar in itself is not a big deal, but I don't want to read every paragraph 5 times, because of poor grammar

 

Then you best give up on LS entirely because the vast majority of the folks who post, like the vast majority of humans in general, it seems, either never learned proper grammar or have forgotten it. And, as No Foolin' pointed out, you ought not cast stones unless you are perfection yourself.

 

Also remember that there are a fairly significant people who have learning disorders and so can't spell or write very well. There are literary forums, I'm sure, where perhaps the level of writing is admirable but this ain't one

[d'Arthez]

I disagree moimeme. If you are indifferent about an ex, you have healed from a relationship. True. But if that is the endpoint of healing, you could not have been in love with the person you had the relationship with.

Because love can exist, without it being necesarily romantic, or reciprocated. Hard to achieve, but the noblest goal we can give ourselves.

 

Concerning the spelling I don't require perfection, and no one does. But sentences with "your" instead of "you are", can be very hard to read. Strange enough the grammar of non-native speakers seems better. Probably because you are is easily pronounced as: your. At least it is not as bad as text-speak. OMG!

[No Foolin]

LOL, no learning disorder here. I would call it general laziness on my part to go over my grammar. d'Arthez, what is your definition of indifference? I would like to know.

 

Also, I am not attempting to start a flame; but, like the seasons, if it comes, so be it. You are starting to give me the "I'm better than you vibe". Normally people like that are the ones who hurt the worst. Your trying to hide behind your intellect............I can see you, crystal clear. Are you Trolling d'Arthez?????????????

 

No Foolin

[d'Arthez]

No need to get paranoid No Foolin.

 

Of course I am terribly hurt. Countless times, even on a daily basis. But never by love.

That does not mean, I have not had my share of heartaches. No need to assume that I had some traumatic experience or anything like that.

 

Indifference is the state in which you don't care what happens to a person.

That is the point from which you would have recovered from the relationship. But if you love a person, truly love a person, you love regardless of the fact if the person loves you back. That is the goal we should set, and why should we try for less than perfect in this area of our lifes?

 

"For one human being to love another human being: That is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task?" - Rainer Maria Rilke

[moon]

No Foolin,

 

I was just going over your Lost Guide to no contact.

 

At times it seems to focus on the other person (dumper) a lot---the fact that the ex doesn't care anymore and things like that. I think even better than thinking like that we can also focus on the fact that the relationship didn't work. I think it is pretty obvious that entering into relationships is a fairly serious thing for most people. If you were in a long term relationship then you can surmise that they did care at one point or will probably always care a little bit. I think while practicing NC it might feel less painful if you realize that at one point they did love you, but that they didn't think the relationship could work anymore.

 

My last relationship reads like a Danielle Steele novel. We were off and on and up and down. Sometimes romance was high, sometimes low. We broke up a number of times and got back together. I broke up with my ex once and I never sat there and said, oh, I don't care what he's doing. I thought....man I WISH he had been what I wanted at this time in my life. I wish he could work through his issues....I wish. But no, so it's over. I never had indifferent feelings about him.....until I forced myself to forget. I think in many cases it's sad for both parties when a relationship dies. I mean we all want love right? We try with people and we attempt and then many times it doesn't work. But I think if you were with any one person for more than six months then there is usually a feeling from both parties of regret that the relationship didn't work and less of a feeling of immediate indifference from the one who dumped. This same ex dumped me for the first time at the end of October.

 

That's just my opinion. But I liked what you wrote above. What you wrote above seemed to focus more on the dumpee.......and not worrying about the dumper. That's my aim.

 

I think it's interesting what you said about remembering back to how our exes talked or thought about his other past relationships. That was one of my exes and my biggest problems. He was always feeling bad about a past relationship or missing somebody from the past. He seemed to have too many pieces of his heart out there and not focused enough with the one he was with. So maybe I should take comfort in that. If my ex is taking our break up the same as the others then he would be sainting me and putting me up on a pedestal like he did the others. Everybody deals with break ups different. I am a cut the cord type. Once it's done I don't hang around. I think that's why for the most part exes have always returned to me at one time or another. I disappear and suffer in silence. I do suffer, though. And then like a rose, I am reborn. Geez, I have to remind myself of that!!!!

 

Anyway, thanks for your help with your posts. It is good to see somebody recounting their own journey and trying to help others.

[moimeme]

But if that is the endpoint of healing, you could not have been in love with the person you had the relationship with.

 

Semantics. Call it shorthand. Besides, until people have really been in love, they don't know that that wasn't it. The pain's the same.

 

But if you love a person, truly love a person, you love regardless of the fact if the person loves you back

 

Agree to a point. You still need to understand what 'true love' is. Some people maintain what they believe to be 'love' for abusive people, alcoholics, etc. It's a tricky distinction.

[d'Arthez]

Moimeme, we can agree on the second point.

The problem is of course that all kinds of 'love' get labeled as 'love.' For instance the toxic love, or the 'I can change him'-love. They get the same label: "love."

 

Concerning your first point, even though the pain may be the same, the coping mechanisms differ a lot.

[No Foolin]

Well, I have returned from work, now I can give this topic my full attention. Moon you make some very good points. Most of the original guide that I typed was more from the school of cognitive behavioral school of thought. Yes, it is weighted more on killing the symptoms. I believe at the onset of a traumatic event a very basic approach is what works best. Much of the guide came from you good folks here and many, many conversations with various types of people. It’s not perfect but it does help. Cool thing is, I am always in a process of learning and thanks for furthering my education.

 

d'Arthez, don't worry, it’s going to take much more than your over intellectual process to make me paranoid. You never answered my question. Are you trolling?. I read several of your posts today and I get the impression that you are disagreeable just for the sake of it. Your initial response to this thread is a direct indication of this. I also get the impression that this is how you approach many situations (trying to out think your feelings or finding a quote to explain what you possibly don't have words for). You can have all the quotes you want about love and compassion, flowers and kitty cats; but when the rubber hits the road, you better know who and what you are(or die trying). That all we really have brother.

 

Why don't you just pull over to the side of the road and inform the class about what is really bothering you, instead of acting like a pretentious a*s. The funny thing is, you responses to this thread are indirectly giving my point of view weight, LOL.

 

Regarding indifference am I indifferent to how my ex conducts her life, YES. Do I hope she lives a full and happy life, YES (I want this for all humans). Do I care if she destroys herself because of her own doing, NO. I am not here to save (its not possible). People do what they do and that’s fine by me.

 

To close, I'm not going to BS these people here. I always have the gloves off when it come to reality. I will get in the mud to prove a point; people who are searching deserve no less.

 

No Foolin

[Isabella82]

No Foolin,

 

Just wanted to say once again that your posts have really helped me. I was wondering if you were in grad school for psychology? I am about to get my BA in psych and you just came off that way.

 

The comment you made about how you feel about yourself is what you really are. I am the kind of person that needs a guy to validate me. But I do not want to be that way anymore. Everyday I feel like I am getting more and more confidence, and I am doing it on my own. I just keep telling myself that I am a good catch, and I deserve nothing less then the best. I am not conceited in any way, but everyone needs an ego booster after a bad break up.

 

I honestly think that one day my ex will regret breaking up with me, but I will never know it. He is the type of person that will never admit that he was wrong. I do not even want to talk to him ever again. We have been broken up for almost 10 months with really no contact at all. I have found my own closure, he just is not the type of guy that I thought he was. I do not believe in having to get closure from the other person, you have to find it yourself.

 

What has really helped me lately is going to the gym, moving forward with my life, realizing that I am better off without someone who can be so decieving. He is not worth my time, and I feel bad for the girl he ends up with. He has everyone fooled. I see his true colors.

[d'Arthez]

No Foolin,

 

First of all, if you read my previous post properly, you would have understood I have already answered that question. If you can't read the answer there, any answer I would give now would simply be an insult to you.

Second of all, I am aware that answering your outrageous innuendos is not smart, but also the only responsible thing I can do. I basically have no further intention to respond to you, but if you force me to, i definitely will.

 

If you are referring to the posts in Urban Rubble01's thread, yes we disagreed. But your way of judging other posters is extremely shortsighted. First of all, you assume you think you understand how I react on posts on basis of 7 posts at most. Since I have posted almost 400 posts in 2.5 weeks or so, I cannot say you have made your judgment based on the most excellent research. Look for instance on the 'Family'-forum. Or would that create too much cognitive dissonance for your liking?

If you are such a master of psychology, you would have known that disagreement creates psychological distance. Maybe there actually were reasons for our disagreement in that post. It was my basic position, that not everybody looks for the same in love. Or looks for love in the same way. You seem to hold another position. If that is not allowed, then excuse this sinner, oh mighty one.

 

You know that the use of correct English, something which is harder for a non-native speaker, usually enhances readability of posts. That I, and I am certain many others, have to wonder a long time when you write "your right", if you meant "du hast recht", or "dir Recht", is annoying and could have easily been avoided. These are almost opposite concepts, so I cannot see why this basic courtesy could not be granted to the readers of your post.

 

Yes, occasionally I do use quotes. Why give words, to something in a foreign language if others before me have written about the same thing? Is it prohibited to use the words of a poet or a humanist in the truest sense occasionally? I could write a few good thoughts in my native language and post them on the board, but I don't think you'd understand it. I might translate, but as it is a delicate subject, I would waste a lot of time. It would not be beneficial at all to do so. I use English translations of originally German quotes; sometimes it has cost a professional translator hours to do just give the least incorrect translation for a quote.

If that is not good enough for you, next time we do debate, we will do that in my language.

 

I might be a pretentious a*s. That is your assumption, and as you don't know who I am, or what it is I am suffering from, it is impossible for you to know what view is supported by my behavior. What do you think ails me? Did I suffer from a bad breakup? Is my heart shattered by a girl I once loved? Has she left me? Has she committed suicide? Has she found another lover? Surely you know better what is going on in my life, than I do myself.

 

People have a right to disagree. If you read my second post, you know that we essentially agreed on everything but the indifference. To assume that I am trolling, because I don't have a deity called No Foolin, and am critical on a few points, is telling to an excellent observer.

 

Sure, I could have worded it better than in my first post. Can we attribute that to fatigue? Do a guess where I am living, and do the math. Check my posting times, if you doubt that. If you excuse your bad grammar on basis of laziness, I certainly will excuse my first post on the basis of fatigue.

[luvshckbby]

No Foolin', you are so wise! I wish I could steal your brain, but until I find a way to do that, please keep sharing your experiences and wisdom.

[No Foolin]

d'Arthez

 

Your great, you are perfect example of what I'm talking about. All intellect-no feeling. Yes, you could say that I have an very, very strong grasp of psychological endeavors (and will leave it at that). I don't need a grad degree; however, to know that your hiding behind your brain.

 

Listen slick, I'm not going to play 20 questions with you. If you have problems in your world, then be a man and get it out. Here's my thing, I know you want someone to help (or you wouldn't be here). I am also not going to conduct an investigation into all of your posts to figure out just what is hurting you. I would be more than happy (really) to address you pain, find options, get you to a better place; however, if we are going to play "why d'Arthez is so smart", I really don't have time for it (to busy breathing).

 

d'Arthez, I am confrontational. I tried to be idealistic in my earlier years and all I found was that the real world does not function on ideals. I have no problem with disagreements; however, if someone is insulting and their intentions appear to be less than honorable, there going to get a quick, texted "five to the eyes". I have come to far in my life to lie down when haters arrive.

 

If you would like to discuss your REAL issues, then sack up and present them. I will be more than happy to listen and provide insight, after all that's why I'm here. If your going to play jacka*s renaissance man, guessing games, troll and flex your brain with how many post you can do in a day (what do want a cookie?), you go on the ignore list on my threads. See the thing is, many people need hard, real world coping answers, and I will do my best, my very best to provide some help and hope. These people have been very good to me and deserve no less.

 

d'Arthez, when people enter into psychotherapy the rule of thumb is: people need at least five sessions to start being real. Your five sessions are up.

 

No Foolin

[ion]

Don't be so angry.

 

Accepting the finality of a relationship having ended is good, but having to destroy the memory of it to accomplish that is just plain foolish.

 

In the real world being in a relationship is a two way street. You let someone into your world and they do influence you. They inspire you, take you to heights and to depths of emotions you never could reach on your own. Hopefully, the reverse happens as well. When this kind of relationship goes bad, it takes time to heal correctly. People takes steps to move, sometimes they go a few steps forward sometimes a few backward. They learn to walk again on their own two feet with a little help from friends and family.

 

For the record, I do read loveshack, though I don't always reply to threads. But to all those people out there who need to say

 

"I really am not trying to hear the noise of "I'll never have someone like this again!" or my favorite "They made me feel such in such way".

 

There are people here listening, say what you need to say, even if you have to repeat it over and over again. Cause one day that may change and that is a day worth fighting for, don't give up!

 

 

And to you, No Foolin Good luck as well!

 

 

Originally posted by No Foolin

The main thought that I am hearing from many of us is "how do I go on without insert name". When we think like that my answer is: Good question? Someone once told me if you think yourself as something "your right". So if you view yourself as lost, lonely, worthless, ugly, guess what...............Your right!

 

Nobody on this planet is going to save you. You are on your own, period. You shared a portion of your life with someone and now it is over (for whatever reason). You can now close that book. I really am not trying to hear the noise of "I'll never have someone like this again!" or my favorite "They made me feel such in such way". Listen good people, you make yourself feel a certain way, once again, you make yourself feel a certain way. If someone says something that you agree with, you are apt to take it to heart; thus, if I said "hey your good looking" if you truely feel that you are, bingo, you will believe. If you don't it will bounce off of you like a drunk guy in a batting cage.

 

My point is accept who you are good and bad and you will realize the power of your ex is just some damaged tapes that you have had in you head for years. They will begin to shut off. I'll go first.

 

People, I am one of the most disorganized humans on the planet. The word responsiblity applys about 50% of the time to me (on good days). My apartment looks like I threw a pipe bomb in a wood shop. If my gas tank is 50% full it is cause for a freaking national holiday, and I'm in grad school. But, I am also intelligent, brave and through experience have become one of the strongest people I know, who will ultimately do the right thing. Thats the good and bad, nothing I can do about it, why would I want to? I'm real.

 

You can't make people love or like you, if you can't deal with yourself. As long as this is a war that you have with yourself, your pretty much screwed. People will begin to look at you differently when you do the same for you. When you realize that you are not your car, clothes, home, parents, relationship or whatever, your free. Then in the future when someone asks you about your ex you can smile and with all the love in you heart say "Like I give a fu*k"

 

No Foolin

[d'Arthez]

No Foolin,

 

Have you found the answer to your ludicrous question? If not "Bin er gjin."

 

If you could have least bothered to read some of my other posts, as I had suggested, you would have though I was all feeling and no intellect. You have "an very, very strong grasp of psychological endeavors", which is in fact nothing more than a pompous remark. What is your defense for your neglect to find out about me? Your self assumed omnipotence?

 

Stop ascribing issues to me, and if you do so, we both will be happy. Thank you.

[Donut]

So why are you here on the coping forum d'Arthez? Perhaps you could start your own thread? I would be interested to know.

[No Foolin]

I hear what you saying Ion, this is the coping forum. Acceptance is the last level of grief; most people here need a helping hand to just get through the evening; so saying "I understand, or I feel you" is one thing. Providing practical real world approaches to battle the demons of the evening is quite another (that’s what I do). You have got to have a level of intestinal fortitude to get through these issues, thus I give my best effort to provide reality, focus, and strength (we all have it). If you want kid gloves or kitty cats you got the wrong guy.

 

d'Arthez

 

I have a quote for you "I didn't start this, you did." Malcom X

 

To the ignore list you go cowboy. Yes I did a sampling of your post and survey says YOUR A TROLL!!! So your (you are), lol, not confused: a Troll is forum poster who argues for the sake of it, hides behind intellect without coming to a definitive point. A troll often appears to be a poster who corrects other posters for minor inaccuracies (rather than looking at the bigger picture) and rarely accepts responsibility or answers questions directed at their actions. Troll= forum narsacist. So, my neglect to read your post comes from my distaste of how you treat other posters (bully with a brain).

 

The strong psychological grasp may have something to do with what I do for a living, genius eeerrrrrrrr d'Arthez. Kind of like an accountant would have a strong grasp of tax endeavors, lol. Have fun being........ Smart?

 

Ignore on

 

No Foolin

[ion]

I'm glad you're hearing what I'm saying No Foolin. Being angry or bitter can be just as destructive as not having the fortitude to establish strong boundaries from a past relationship.

 

Alot of people who end up at loveshack, do so because of the train wreck their lives have become. Getting a train in the real world that has derailed 'fixed' takes multiple strageties , patience and perseverance.

[No Foolin]

No disagreement there ion, good point. I don't think I advocated destroying the memory (thats not possible). I advocate fighting for your soul. IMO you have to give up that which did not work in order to do that. Its like getting off drugs. You may have got some type of plus from being high; however, it caught up and started to bring you down. In order to rid yourself and get free, urges must be battled and demons must be faced.

 

Thank you for your insight I will add it to another thing that I learned today.

 

However I'm neither angry or bitter . I believe When problem attacks you, you attack right back. I like to refer to it as a nonvictim stance or being proactive. We all can have time for fond memories after we've taken care of the demons first.

 

No Foolin

[LadyRLD]

Hi No Foolin. Just wanted to tell you I think your philosophy is just great. It is the only way I was able to move on reading your posts.

 

As far as D'Arthez, No Foolin I totally agree with you on D'Arthez. He totally did the same thing to me in a post I had in the OW forum. Everything i said had some smart a&* comment by him. And I finally gave up and realized there is nothing I could say for this person to see my point of view. He is narcissistic and he only agrees with himself.

 

But keep posting NO Foolin. You are really helping me and everytime I see a post by you, I am eager to read it. Thank you for all of your wisdom.