HurtHusband Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Hello, We are 36 and 34, have been together 13 years and have two wonderful young daughters who we both love. My wife had a short affair ( less than 2 months) with a womanizing manipulator who was my friend also by the way. He tried to turn her against me, and at the same time encouraged me to flirt/have affairs with other women ( I didn't) anyway my wife quickly woke up and realized he was a scumbag. She confessed the affair to me. Unfortunately they didn't use protection and she got pregnant. He told her to f*^k off and have the child, or to pretend it's my child! ( nice guy eh..he is married with one child.. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who he has no contact with. Also according to my wife, 5 women who he has had relationships with ended up having to have abortions. He portrays himself as a victim of family courts etc. in order to get sympathy, but in reality he seems seriously damaged and his behavior is reckless and abhorrent ) After my wife confessed, I said I want us to build a new relationship and to be open and honest with each other, to talk more and also spend more time together. We also became intimate again.. I think I went through the 'hysterical bonding' phase..your angry but at the same time, being intimate is the only thing that feels real. It's the first time my wife cheated, I know it wasn't just about sex for her..in fairness he is a dangerous manipulator and he knew personal details about us as I trusted him and thought he was my friend. Of course I am hurt and feel betrayed but I also love our children and if we can build a better relationship and get past this incident than I want to.... It's hard for me to fathom my wife's ideas about intimacy..she is reluctantly intimate with me. We did not have sex for almost three yrs, since our youngest child was born, ( I wanted to..but she was always tired or there was some other excuse..we were intimate and I accepted this, of course I felt unloved and sad, I don't think she considered my needs ) than suddenly a month ago she produced some baby oil and wanted to have sex..this was a week before she confessed..seems like she was going to pretend that I was the father but must have had a change of heart..still it shocks me that she would even consider something like that... She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say. If she was physically incapable of sex I might understand but I want to love my wife and do not want to have to resort to having affairs to satisfy my physical needs.... Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself. It's painful and depressing but I am coming to the realization that my wife DOES NOT love me, she can't possibly love me if she acts like this...I work 2~3 jobs, am a total hands on dad, we go out every weekend as a family, I pay all the bills and look after my family. In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce. All of this is very hard to deal with, I have had to go to work and just put my feelings aside. Things are normal at home and my wife can just carry on like nothing happened..but for me this is all crazy and I am dealing with all this **** in my head. I will do anything for my kids and family, but I think I am being treated like a fool and this is much harder to accept... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 What is the time frame here HH? How long ago was the affair, abortion etc.? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 Confessed about 4 weeks ago, abortion 2 weeks ago. She met him afew time 4-5 times? Yes, she confessed etc. but this is not the sort of thing you get over in one day. I mean, it is surreal. When your going out socializing with your friends who have kids and every thing appears normal, and they are all oblivious..and talking about marriage or who's having a baby, and then on the following Monday I have to pick up my wife from the abortion clinic, just like she was going to the dentist..I mean I am screaming inside!, can't talk to my fri eds or family...I posted this in another thread and someone said..( about the suggestion of counseling) she said no, and if I want to go, than go by myself. So basically, our marriage is not a partnership, she just lets me deal with the emotional turmoil caused by her actions on my own..and I am just expected to 'grin and bear it' and carry on...would'nt mind if it seemed like she was deeply regretful and broken with guilt..but she Is'ent, not at all!!!! It is insane. The big 500 ft red flag, is when she said I should look elsewhere to fulfill my sexual urges, and that she wont be angry..so she has just detached herself emotionally or sexually from our marital relationship and I can basically do what I like? I can't believe that...it's shocking... Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Ever considered seperation, divorce, or at least exposing her to family and friends? Why are you letting her go away like that? She holds no responsibility at all, and if she hadn't become pregnant she'd still carry on. And quit with excuses like "Oh the OM is such a womanizer". If your wife really fell for a guy like that, you should be even more concerned than those husbands whose wives fell for their coworker buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) You should have dropped her off at the abortion clinic and not picked her back up. This might sound harsh, but wow....I don't see anyway this can be fixed. Unless you're Ghandi and she's Mother Theresa, the chances you can have a successful relationship after this is about zero. You guys are WAY past the tipping point. It's interesting to me that in your initial post, your vitriol is aimed at the friend, and you seem sympathetic to your wife. Blaming him and making your wife the victim? Dude, don't waste a single second thinking about this guy. He's not really the problem here. Edited September 22, 2014 by RonaldS 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Sorry but you know several things here 1. this chap sleeps around 2. your wife slept with him with no contraception or protection from STD's... Ergo get tested. Stop trying to have sex with her. She actually needs to be sorry about this if you are going to move forward. At the moment it doesn't sound as though she is. You can't have a marriage with one person making all the effort and so far you have been a doormat. Stop it. She has detached herself completely from your marriage. This may be because of guilt and various other emotions resulting from what has happened but you can't be responsible for her actions only your own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 Hello guys, thank you all for your advice. I agree 100% The OM was a true 'Jekyll and Hyde' character. I knew he played around and looking back, it now makes more sense. But I honestly thought he was my mate, and we even socialized together!! It hurts to think that while we were all having a beer, my wife and him were probably looking at each other and knew I didn't have a clue. I mean that's painful, it hurts. How could they do that, more importantly how could she do that? **** him..we all know he's scum..but my wife, I know it was short lived..but it lasted a few weeks...when I think about that it really really hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Sounds to me like you are a beaten down husband with years of emotional abuse. You walk on eggshells and are afraid to challenge her because she might threaten divorce??? Well guess what buddy, she was having sex with your friend and got pregnant! Meanwhile, you are workign 2-3 jobs to support the family and you haven't had sex in over three years! Then she tells you to have sex wtih other women. You need to leave or sack up and be a man with your wife dude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 The hard thing about affairs is that they are sometimes a wildly wrong reaction to other, already-existing problems in the marriage, that were partly the cheated-on person's doing. But after the affair, why would the cheated-on person ever be forgiving or trusting enough to work on those things? I probably would not. However, if you want to, then my take is that you will have both the affair AND whatever problems existed before the affair to deal with. The other problem with affairs is that, as far as I can tell, they lead to less cooperative and more bitter divorces (therefore more expensive)-- and also less coping after divorce while the cheating spouse again gloms onto someone else too soon. I do not mean to convey to you that you have a crap marriage and an impossible divorce to choose from. You can weather whatever it is you have to do. Just realize what each one likely entails-- because I agree that it might not be accurate to blame everything on the evil womanizer interloper who comes along and suddenly destroys your happy marriage. Let me tell you, I have met some Lotharios while married, had some pretty impressive attempts at seduction pulled on me, and I did not cheat-- and I'm not even very happily married! Nor am I some strict moral or religious self-depriving angel. No, if someone is willing to complicate their life by cheating, there is an underlying reason. Either you guys had pretty big problems, (not saying those are all or even partly your doing), or she is a cheating type and is likely to repeat it. Your wife sounds angry. It is very difficult to sleep with a man when you are angry with him or have some smoldering low-burning embers of resentment. When a person is not assertive or self-aware enough to deal with anger in a direct way, they become very dysfunctional. If it were me, I'd think about a separation and her doing individual counseling and THEN both of you doing marriage counseling-- if you want to save the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) It's hard for me to fathom my wife's ideas about intimacy..she is reluctantly intimate with me. We did not have sex for almost three yrs, since our youngest child was born, ( I wanted to..but she was always tired or there was some other excuse..we were intimate and I accepted this, of course I felt unloved and sad, I don't think she considered my needs ) She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say. If she was physically incapable of sex I might understand but I want to love my wife and do not want to have to resort to having affairs to satisfy my physical needs.... Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself. Ok so the whole bit about her avoiding sex, making up excuses to avoid it, getting stressed at the mere mention of it .... the scary part is this is becoming quite normal for women in long term relationships at your age. Go to this website Here and scroll down and read summary of the stages women go through in long term relationships during late 20's and 30's. Stage 1 - 2 - 3 - 4. It is seriously a summary of your exact situation described above. Your wife is at Stage 3 or 4 - which is not a good place to be. If your wife wont agree to counseling - buy this book and read it together. May save your marriage (if you actually want to ? ) at worst it will explain to you a bit of whats going on so you have some understanding. Just to give you an idea of how closely this mirrors what you described here is the summary of stage 1 in the process. Stage 1 - "Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. " Sounds spookily similar to your situation right ?? Read the rest of the stages and they pretty much match what happened next with the affair. Edited September 23, 2014 by Justanaverageguy Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Wow! This is just over the top. There's no need for counseling or even this thread, you know what needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hurt, this is NOT a marriage. I'm not sure what you are looking for. Read some books on co-dependence. Her cheating is s symptom of a bigger issue. You can do the slow dance of "pick me, "how could you", and "desperation", or you can just head towards the exit. Either way, its over. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 To be honest I don't think your marriage stands a chance. You seem to be a very decent guy. Your wife, on the other way, seems to be one of those women who are attracted to bastards, criminals, bad boys, etc. (the female equivalent, sort of, of those men who have a huge attraction for sluts and whores). In this marriage, you seem to be the "provider" - the guy who gives comfort, security, stability and who can manage the resources so that the woman can mantain a family (kids). Yet, your wife seems to have a deep attraction for the "dark side" of humanity. It's something that is deep in her psyche. And it's something that will never disappear, most likely. You don't seem the kind of guy who can give her the thrills she had while being banged by your "friend". In fact, I think she even lusted more for him, knowing the way he trated the other women. She propably thought: "man, if he managed to score so many women I bet he must be a stallion in bed". You seem to be the sort of guy who craves peace and tranquility in life. If this marriage is disturbing this peace and confusing you, leave. I have a friend who got divorced last year. He says that he's never felt better having time for himself and his daughter now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 According to my wife the OM told her about these other women and that turned her off, shocked her, of course she tells me all this when she is confessing. I will never know the whole truth, I don't want to know how they did it, if they laughed together...but according to her he was bad mouthing me etc. you see I can't believe her now, if she didn't get pregnant and need an abortion, she might still be still seeing him. Who knows, where there other affairs? Again I don't know, all I know is that she is a cheater and lier and capable of great deception. This relationship cannot be fixed, I need my humanity back, it was never what you would consider a marriage between two partners, I am waking up now thanks to this forum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I would plan things out and one night while she is away I would take the kids and leave the country. Go back to your country and file for divorce there. Put a restraining order against her. I would site the fact she put you and the kids at risk. If I had to make something up for it to stick that is what I would do. I would not tell her where you are staying at. I would let the courts do there process and then work out something with supervised visitation. There is no way I would let her take the kids alone. I feel horrible for you but I think you need to get this nailed down and deal with it as soon as possible. Who knows how long it will be before she snaps. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 This relationship cannot be fixed, I need my humanity back, it was never what you would consider a marriage between two partners, I am waking up now thanks to this forum. Hang in there, man! Life has "kicked you in the balls", so to speak. But you'll recover. Many people on this forum have gone through some horrible ****. Things even worse than yours( Heck! Even I was just a few inches of going to jail because I was scammed by a very close friend). And they've recovered and remade their lifes. Some of them sometimes come here to post and tell the others how they've recovered and rae now stronger and happier than before. One day it will be your turn. You're hurting like hell, right now. But one day you'll look yourself in the mirror and notice that the suffering and pain you endured made you stronger and more able to face the hardships of life and to help others who suffered as you do. Have faith! Fight! You will win! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 You are suffering the pain of living with someone whom you do not trust. I feel for you, and have been there (am there now). But DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF in the lack of trust. One way or another you will come out the other side of this and you will still be YOU. You do not have to win every battle. You do not have to be afraid of her. The court will not let her take your children from you or all of your money-- you may suffer a bit from a divorce, but it will not get to that point until you can handle it. I agree that you may be codependent (and recommend the book Codependent No More). The key for you is: How to bounce back. Make lemons out of lemonade as they say. You are resilient. Take care of yourself. Your lack of trust in her is painful, like you are living with the enemy. But the biggest "enemy" is you, if you do not take care of yourself in little ways every day. Spend three to fifteen minutes each day bonding with one of your children. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeCool Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 In my opinion, she did you a favor. She cheated, lied, and confessed. Definitely divorce her, but you should at least give her some respect for confessing, no matter the motives or situation. That is unless she goes crazy on you. Right now you need to think about yourself. Talk to a lawyer and find where you stand. Even if your state has for cause divorces, your life will be better if you can find someway to not have her go crazy on you. Just some thoughts, from a guy that sometimes wishes my wife had an affair, instead of being unstable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 Thank you all for your replies..like the BG's song I am 'staying alive' I spend time with my kids everyday and they are the world to me...yes it is hard living with someone when your hurt and their is suspicion and you see them as the 'enemy' sorry but as someone said, her confession would count for something if it were coming from a genuine state of remorse, however you have to question her motives for EVERYTHING!, if her confession was just cause because she thought I would find out elsewhere or because she needed someone to sign the abortion papers than it becomes part of the deception.... She might still be seeing if, if she had not become pregnant... She may have had affairs in the past.... If will only tell me what she can't deny, there could be a lot more that I am unaware of..... *** also the fact that she has told me, in an angry unsympathetic voice that I should just go off and bang other women if I want sex and she won't be angry! just tells you all you need to know really??? this is not a marriage, any decent caring loving wife would not say such a thing,..this is totally unacceptable..me and the kids deserve much much better than this...she is detaching herself from me emotionally and physically by suggesting this... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Thank you all for your replies..like the BG's song I am 'staying alive' I spend time with my kids everyday and they are the world to me...yes it is hard living with someone when your hurt and their is suspicion and you see them as the 'enemy' sorry but as someone said, her confession would count for something if it were coming from a genuine state of remorse, however you have to question her motives for EVERYTHING!, if her confession was just cause because she thought I would find out elsewhere or because she needed someone to sign the abortion papers than it becomes part of the deception.... She might still be seeing if, if she had not become pregnant... She may have had affairs in the past.... If will only tell me what she can't deny, there could be a lot more that I am unaware of..... *** also the fact that she has told me, in an angry unsympathetic voice that I should just go off and bang other women if I want sex and she won't be angry! just tells you all you need to know really??? this is not a marriage, any decent caring loving wife would not say such a thing,..this is totally unacceptable..me and the kids deserve much much better than this...she is detaching herself from me emotionally and physically by suggesting this... Right now you're still wrapping your mind around your situation, but at some point you're going to have to come up with a plan. What do you think it will be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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