Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[stillafool]

HH - I may be wrong here but based on your statement that your kids were dual citizens, I am assuming your wife is a Japanese citizen and your citizenship is another country. Maybe you have already done this, if not, I would go to your embassy and ask them for legal advice. It would seem to me that you could file for divorce in your country of citizenship, without even necessarily being there to do so. I may be wrong on that, but I would start at the embassy to see how they might be able to help. I am sure they are well aware of the situation in Japan with regard to custody of children. Now, should that work out and you get a divorce decree with custody stipulations and you choose to stay in Japan, I have no idea how enforcement of custody matters would be handled should your wife choose to not abide by terms of custody, but again hopefully the embassy could help.

 

 

This is a great idea otherwise considering fleeing to your country with the kids.

[CarrieT]

Take the kids with you and file for divorce. Put yourself in a position to be the primary care taker of the kids. You will never get anywhere if you do nothing.

You don't get it, Clay.

 

In Japan, if he files for divorce, she automatically gets custody and he is STILL responsible to be the primary care holder - financially - for the kids. She could set it up so that he never sees his children again.

 

As others have said - and as horrible as it is - one of his few options would be to kidnap the children to his country of birth (we are assuming it is the States, but could be wrong).

 

I live in the states. My State is heavily leaning towards the woman regardless of affairs. I fought and won. It was worth the fight and I am thankful everyday she is out of my life. She only sees the kids four days a month and that is almost to much for me but It is a compromise I am willing to live with.

Congratulations - you have joint custody. That simply DOES NOT EXIST in Japan. It is skewed towards the mother and the father has practically no parental rights whatsoever.

[yakamoz]

You don't get it, Clay.

 

In Japan, if he files for divorce, she automatically gets custody and he is STILL responsible to be the primary care holder - financially - for the kids. She could set it up so that he never sees his children again.

 

As others have said - and as horrible as it is - one of his few options would be to kidnap the children to his country of birth (we are assuming it is the States, but could be wrong).

.

 

I can't believe you guys are telling him to kidnap his kids. Are you all insane? do you have any idea about child abduction conventions? I am pretty sure both Japan and US are signatories to Hague Convention on International Child Abduction. Children will be returned immediately to the their home residence. After that, he can say goodbye to ever seeing his kids again. Stop giving him dangerous advise. OP, please do not do anything crazy like this. Custody laws maybe skewed for the mother in Japan but I have a feeling divorce laws will not be very kind to a cheating women. Talk to an attorney and do this properly. Try to come up with an agreement on custody with the mother. Believe me, I worked on international parental child abduction cases. No one wins and kids lose the most.

[goodyblue]

I can't believe you guys are telling him to kidnap his kids. Are you all insane? do you have any idea about child abduction conventions? I am pretty sure both Japan and US are signatories to Hague Convention on International Child Abduction. Children will be returned immediately to the their home residence. After that, he can say goodbye to ever seeing his kids again. Stop giving him dangerous advise. OP, please do not do anything crazy like this. Custody laws maybe skewed for the mother in Japan but I have a feeling divorce laws will not be very kind to a cheating women. Talk to an attorney and do this properly. Try to come up with an agreement on custody with the mother. Believe me, I worked on international parental child abduction cases. No one wins and kids lose the most.

 

Oh my god. I know, I read this and just was horrified at the responses. OP, don't do anything stupid. You could get in all kinds of trouble. Go to an attorney and find out what your options are. Jesus people, stop telling this guy to kidnap his kids! What's wrong with you?

[Clay]

No where did I imply he kid nap his children. Yes I live in America and I would agree I am not familiar with Japan law.

 

This place can be a real joke sometimes.

 

Read clearly what I said.

 

Setting yourself up to be the primary care taker means getting a lawyer. Learning your rights. Establishing a good stable home for the kids. Providing for the kids.

[HurtHusband]

To the two posters above, I agree with what your saying. But you don't realize what divorce means in this country.

 

" the best parents are both parents, children have the right to see both parents"

 

I agree with the above statement and most people and western countries do too, that's why both parents are acknowledged in the west.the UN has a charter called the rights of the child which most countres are signatories to, ( ironically so is this country, they signed The Hague too last yr, as if it makes one ounce of difference) .now here is the difference. Ja¥An does not agree with the above statement!!!! Children are not viewed as individuals with rights to see both parents and instead are viewed more as property which is divided between one of the two households/families in the event of separation.

 

* divorce and custody are not separate issues like they are in the west! when you sign the divorce paper here you are giving up all legal rights to your children. If your ex died afew years later, her mother or father would be viewed as the legal guardian and not you! You don't exist anymore, you have Zero rights, you would be arrested if you tried to force contact with your child against the wishes of the custodial parent.

 

Here's the deal..If I am going to seperate and get divorced than I want to do it in a country where the rights of both parents and the kids right to see them is acknowledged. What loving parent wouldn't?? A lot of the time the mother gets custody, that's fine with me as I would also have visitation rights, but here there are no visitation rights. I would be extremely naive to believe for one second that my wife 'is different' or that she knows I'm a great dad and will allow contact. It's always the same story here, 'sure, just sign the divorce parents, you can see your kids every weekend..than later she changes her mind and shuts off access...a selfish lier during marriage is going to be a selfish lier post separation too...

 

 

The idea that you can 'hire an attorney and go to court etc. ' it does not work like that, sole custody is the SYSTEM they use, they practically discourage visitation by the other parent.

 

* FACT: over 150,000 parents are cut off from their children every year in this country due to the lack of family law. If your definition of kidnapping is one parent taking off with the kids and blocking out the other parent than a lot of their kids are 'kidnapped'..it's legal here, it's their culture, no use saying ' hey that will upset the poor kids' whoever does it first wins, so it's wrong for me to 'kidnap' my kids but it's fine for my wife to do it, or in the case where we live abroad, flee back to this country with the kids because..every parent ( usually the mother ) is fleeing a brutish abusive western husband.

 

Most simply walk away, but even if you did want to see your kids their is no way to win custody or visitation rights as it all depends on the custodial parent.

 

You talk about how the kids will suffer? I want to put them in a situation where both of their parents can be in their life instead of only one of us...how do you think they'll suffer when one day there dad is'ent there anymore and they wont be able to have a meaningful relationship with him until they are adults???

 

You never get your kids back here, one parent simply disappears. The custodial parent then builds a narrative to explain it to the kids. Basically the other parent is 'bad' and any contact with the other parent is frowned upon, in this way the kids are manipulated and become dependent on the custodial parent. This goes on for years, it's 'parental alienation syndrome or PAS. It's very common. It's not recognized in this country tho!! So if your kids hate you and never want to see you again it's all your fault for originally wanting to get divorced from an abusive selfish unfaithful spouse!! How dare you!! 15 years and fluency in the language has thought be afew things, here it's called 'blame the victims!!! Basically if your suicidal, depressed or divorced it's YOUR fault! People listen, in one ear, out the other but really they just want you to go away as if your problem will rub off on them..

 

Like I said counseling is rare here!! Problems are bottled up inside and suicide is sadly far too common..

 

Type 'bachome' into google and see the 400+ American kids that have been abducted to jap¥n over the years. See all the American parents protesting in Washington with placards. And the US of A the worlds most powerful country does absolutely nothing because this country is a key ally and politics/trade are more important than your kids..I mean if your kids are abducted to Somalia or some 3rd world ****hole than you have got a far better change of getting help.

 

For me, and I believe the kids too, the best solution is if we moved back to my home country ( not the US ) and lived there and then later got divorced...

For the record, I am not ranting against this country, their own lack of a family law system hurts far more of their own people compared to foreigners...

[happyman64]

HH

 

I agree with you. Bide your time. Get back home or a friendly country then act.

 

 

Have you ever thought of taking your wife for a lie detector test?

 

Has your wife ever given you any clue as to why she is acting this way? Become this emotionless woman with you?

 

I think there is more to her story than you know....

 

HM

[HurtHusband]

HM a good point...I don't know. I feel like asking are, what's wrong? Do you hate me? Why do you hate me? I mean we go out for dinner, we do all sorts of family things, but she has no time for me, she snaps at me..to give you an example I asked her did she want to cuddle up in front of the tv tonight, she said not now later, she was watching some important tv drama and it was the last episode and would'nt be finished for an hr...so I let it go and check back 10 minutes later and instead of watching the show she's on her iPhone...I say, I thought you were watching your drama and than she just barks at me...and tonight we went out to a very fancy restaurant and it's my night off from work ( work most evenings)

 

You get the picture..directly after the confession for a week there was intimacy bit now, I can't touch her, no interest in me and I dare not be forceful..I feel like a servant...I wonder if I was hit by a bus tomorrow would she even care...

 

I am obviously very unhappy, knowing your with someone who just uses you as the wallet/servant is depressing. I have been in a one sided relationship for so long, that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who really appreciated me again, or showed genuine love towards me...

 

I have never really been depressed in my life, I mean not in a dark serious way, but this is hard, it's a dullness like having a heavy weight or having a queasy sicky feeling in your stomach constantly.. I am sure this is no good for my health..I completely disguise it in front of my kids and seperate it, but it's tiring wearing the happy mask and feeling crushed inside at the same time..sometimes I think this is my life and just accept it, after all my unhappiness is nothing compared to people who have cancer or serious illnesses, other times I just think I will never be happy and it might be better if I just did something drastic...

[stillafool]

HH you are pretty much screwed as far as any type of custody of kids if you divorce. I've never said this to any married person but in your case I guess you'd better get a mistress and leave your selfish wife alone so you can have some happiness.

[Ruby Slippers]

HH you are pretty much screwed as far as any type of custody of kids if you divorce. I've never said this to any married person but in your case I guess you'd better get a mistress and leave your selfish wife alone so you can have some happiness.

I agree.

 

Your wife sounds like a horrible person who's happily holding your life hostage, so normal behavior no longer applies here. Here's what I imagine I would do in your situation:

 

Maintain the facade at home until your kids are grown, while building your own new life on the side. As soon as the kids are grown, talk to them about the truth of the situation, and then divorce your wife. This way you will get to spend their formative years with them, and they can make the choice as adults whether to have a relationship with you or not. It might not work out given the insanity of your wife and possible attempts by her to turn them against you, but I think it's your best shot.

 

Have you considered exerting more power with the threat of some kind of blackmail? Perhaps you could use whatever proof you have of her infidelities and abortion as ammunition to shame her before family, friends, etc. Find her weak spots and make sure she understands you will exploit them if pushed. As stillafool said, this is not something I would normally suggest - but your wife is basically an enemy at this point, so extreme measures are warranted.

[Spectre]

You need to divorce your wife immediately. Not only does she cheat, but she cheats and does not use protection? That is the epitome of trash. What more is there really to say?

 

As for the custody of the kids and all that..well, that is hard to say, it is hard to say what to do when it comes to kids. I'd be trying any means possible to get this terrible woman out of my life and the life of my children.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Spectre

[Ruby Slippers]

Also, I would definitely talk to a lawyer about this, and obviously don't give your wife any clue that you're talking to a lawyer. Find out if there's any way to get sole custody of your daughters, given that their mother cheated, got pregnant, aborted, and continues to be a terrible wife (and mother?). Figure out what the likely legal outcome would be in each case, and weigh your options to figure out which is the least painful and messy course to take.

[Btrade]

There are the master manipulator so out there. However, both bank robber and the getaway driver are guilty and go to jail.

 

Hint: wife2.0 might not just like sex. She might actually like sex with you. She is walking all over you when every night you come into the bedroom you should see her naked and asking just what she can do for you.

[HurtHusband]

Can someone help me make sense of this....

 

 

My wife has to go to the hospital today to pick up medication. She has been going every 2-3 weeks or so for the last 3 years. The medication is to help her sleep. She is a light sleeper. I knew she was taking something every night, I have asked before and enquired about her condition before, but the replies are short and she just tells me it's to help her sleep...

 

She seems indignant that I am asking...

 

This morning, I started asking her about the medication, I asked her did she want to try joint counseling or what could be the cause of it all.. Her attitude was extremely hostile, with each question she becomes more and more annoyed, I tell her calming that I am only asking because I am your husband and that I love you and care about you..I ask her if it's due to diet/ child care/ posts natal etc. I keep emphasizing that I am only trying to help, she continues to get angry.. I feel like she is angry or has resentment for me..but she says it's not my fault and nothing to do with me, she doesn't know what the cause is....as this goes on, I know I will have to drop this topic at some point as I don't want to stress her and she might blurt out the threat of divorce ....I ask her is there anything I can do to help?? She said yes, I can work more and take her out to restaurants... ( I work 2 jobs mon-Fri. and a 3rd p/t job at weekends/ we also eat out on sat/sun or when the Kids have a day off from school )

 

 

When you care about someone than you are obviously concerned about their welfare, she is basically telling me to stop caring and I can't understand that...

She has gone back into the bedroom, for 1 yr I slept on a mattress next to our youngest while she slept in the big bed. Than next we all slept as a family on a giant futon in the living room, now she has gone back into the bedroom.. I ask her if she want to sleep cuddled up with me or all together again on the futons and she says no.. She has the tv / her iPhone etc in the bedroom, and I suppose she wants her own space.. It sounds very harsh to say that I really dont care or give a **** about my wife anymore.. But it seems the more I try to care the more it gets thrown back angrily in my face...I am exasperated..just continue the facade, carry on my role as worker/carer/servant and ask no questions, that's the way it seems to be..

[JS84]

I don't understand why you keep trying to show her affection, concern, etc when you keep getting the opposite of what you want from her in return. I don't know your wife but it doesn't sound like she has much love or respect for you. I also wouldn't be surprised if she's well aware of the advantage she has over you as far as your marital and child custody options are concerned, which is why she feels she can treat you like ****.

 

You can't have a healthy marriage unless both partners are invested. You're half in and your wife isn't invested at all. In most cases I would recommend you file for divorce, but in your case I wouldn't even risk it.

 

You don't have many options and your wive has no reason or incentive to change her behavior. But one thing I would stop doing is trying to nice her back into the marriage.

[oldshirt]

 

. It sounds very harsh to say that I really dont care or give a **** about my wife anymore.. But it seems the more I try to care the more it gets thrown back angrily in my face...I am exasperated..just continue the facade, carry on my role as worker/carer/servant and ask no questions, that's the way it seems to be..

 

It doesn't sound harsh. It sounds perfectly normal and natural for someone who has been used and exploited for many years and who hasn't been shown any love, desire, respect or even basic human kindness for many years.

 

Right now you are frustrated and exasperated. In a short time you will soon feel no love or warmth or desire for her either as all of those feelings will have been destroyed by her and her lack of consideration and mistreated of you.

 

Your marriage is dead. You just haven't got around to realize where the stench is coming from yet. In time you will and you will give it a proper burial then.

[HurtHusband]

Thank you both for your replies..you are both right!! I can't just obsess and worry about how my wife is feeling all the time.. It's not healthy and it's just getting me down. We are still a family and I am still my usual self, but I am not going to go out of my way to 'nice her' or make suggestions like 'do you want to snuggle up, or jump in the shower with me' cause I know now the answer is definitely 'NO' and when I do ask she shows about as much enthusiasm as if I had just asked 'do you want to fill in some tax returns' so why bother...in fact it's been like that for years...who the hell am I trying to kid..! Also I need to look after myself..eat healthy, work out, dress well, wear a nice aftershave..there are things I want to do in life, I'm full of energy and still relatively young..

[GorillaTheater]

Detach the emotional hose to your wife and put your passion into something that gives you a return. Focus on yourself and your kid. Improve yourself. Take up a hobby, get a promotion, start a business. Do whatever without caring what the wife thinks about it. Do it for you.

[aliveagain]

Thank you both for your replies..you are both right!! I can't just obsess and worry about how my wife is feeling all the time.. It's not healthy and it's just getting me down. We are still a family and I am still my usual self, but I am not going to go out of my way to 'nice her' or make suggestions like 'do you want to snuggle up, or jump in the shower with me' cause I know now the answer is definitely 'NO' and when I do ask she shows about as much enthusiasm as if I had just asked 'do you want to fill in some tax returns' so why bother...in fact it's been like that for years...who the hell am I trying to kid..! Also I need to look after myself..eat healthy, work out, dress well, wear a nice aftershave..there are things I want to do in life, I'm full of energy and still relatively young..

 

There is life after infidelity and it doesn't need to include an unfaithful wife. No mater what your age it can truly be amazing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Also I need to look after myself..eat healthy, work out, dress well, wear a nice aftershave..there are things I want to do in life, I'm full of energy and still relatively young..

Exactly. If you divorce her and she keeps your kids from you, that will be rough and very unfair. But then you will be free of her abuse and disrespect, and can start building a better life. Once your kids are grown, they can make their own decisions about whether to have a relationship with you. If you are only ever good to them, even if she bad-mouths you, chances are good you can have good relationships with them in time.

 

You really need to stop taking her crap and stop catering to her. She's made it clear that any attraction she had to you is completely dead. You pandering to her only makes you more unattractive to her, and I imagine degrades your own sense of self-respect.

 

It's time to take your life back.

[HurtHusband]

It feels kind of strange going through the daily motions without any touching..of course I need intimacy and there is still a part of me that wants to go up and hold my wife...but I can't and I won't...i give her a good night kiss or farewell kiss when I go to work, but I give one to my daughters too....

 

My wife has NO family except for a mother who lives nearby and comes over every evening while I'm at work to help out with the kids...I may have found an ally in the mother. My wife does not work so she doesn't have a salary, she has inheritance money however,and she has an online shopping habit and spends what I consider too much every month.. As in thousands..I normally kick in over $1,000 a month which covers various bills etc. but that leaves $2-3k left over a month on the bill that's she pays with her inheritance...( I don't begrudge her spending some her money, but here's the deal..we want our kids to go to a private school and I'm working 3 jobs trying to make this happen and She's spending freely without restraint..her mother does not know about this either and would be shocked...

 

The good news is half of her inheritance is sitting in my bank account in my home country. We put it their for safety and to take advantage of any currency fluctuations. If I am ever kicked out, the mothers retirement is over and I seriously doubt she wants to be the baby sitter for the next ten yrs..she might cut off the wife's money spigot too...

 

IMO my wife has just had it all and had her way in everything for far too long..and this whole affair and not giving a damn about me or others is just a result of it.

Edited September 28, 2014 by HurtHusband

[CarrieT]

My wife does not work so she doesn't have a salary, she has inheritance money however,and she has an online shopping habit and spends what I consider too much every month.. As in thousands..I normally kick in over $1,000 a month which covers various bills etc. but that leaves $2-3k left over a month on the bill that's she pays with her inheritance...

Stop covering her online shopping habit immediately. Advise her that you are buckling down on the budget for your children's sake and if she continues to spend the way she does, her inheritance will be gone.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with CarrieT. Completely and totally stop paying for any of her recreational spending, today. Essential household and children's expenses only. No frivolous shopping on your dime for your cheating, abusive, ungrateful wife.

[JS84]

.i give her a good night kiss or farewell kiss when I go to work, but I give one to my daughters too....

 

 

I'd stop that too. And that goes for your wife, not your daughter of course.

[HurtHusband]

I got abit of a surprise this morning... I went to wake up our eldest ( she sleeps in a seperate room with the mother) I went to shake her gently and I found a vibrat*r on the bed where my wife would have slept??? I got quite a shock..

 

I picked it up and walked into the kitchen where my wife was busy making the school lunch???'what the hell is this? 'I don't know, I don't know..she said.. This went on for awhile.. Than we realized I actually bought it 8 yrs ago ( we never used it ) it could have been stuck in a drawer somewhere or down the side of the bed and maybe the kids pulled it out and thought it was a toy ( small, ball type one )

 

It's her business if she used it or not ( she flatly denied using it..) i should'nt be nice to her, but I tried to say if you feel that way, I'm here too...I sort of broke down alittle bit, stupid I know..but I have been through a lot recently. I felt like I was being lied too...through all this, her attitude is very hostile, there is contempt for me, and it's a case of ' so what? And ' I don't know' and 'yeah, yeah...sure' this bugs me, when you have so little respect that you can't look your partner in the face for 2 minutes and give a straight awnser.

 

Anyway, she takes the kid to school and it's all brushed under the rug....