Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[CarrieT]

Why don't you want a divorce? She lied to you and cheated she can't be trusted. She got herself pregnant and was going to pretend the child was your child. Sure she confessed but the point is she thought about passing the child off as yours. She gets stressed over sex? Why would she get stressed over sex? You pay for everything and you get no sex. To top it off your wife said you could have sex with other woman. She is just using you as a meal ticket. Why would you want to be in a loveless marriage?

 

Georgia, did you read this whole thread?

:rolleyes:

 

He *does* want a divorce but lives in a country (Japan) where if he gets a divorce, the mother gets the children and can dictate visitation rights. The OP knows he is being used as a mealticket.

[spanz1]

yeah but that is just the point, the mother does not want those kids hanging around as she is trying to get laid and rope in another man! divorce her, give her a few months being "mom" all by her self, and she will be begging him to come get the brats out of her house.

[HurtHusband]

The below excerpt was published online in the japan times a few years ago. It's the personal account of the marital troubles of the author who writes under the pseudonym 'Richard Cory' There were three parts, his fear was well founded because the end result was that he lost custody of his two younger children, but managed to get custody of one of his children, his eldest child.

His conflicting emotions at the time the piece was written is very similar to how I feel now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The fatally flawed math of risking it all in Japan

 

Whenever Richard Cory went down town, We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, Clean favored, and imperially slim.

 

“Richard Cory,” a poem first published in 1897 by three-time Pulitzer Prize-winner Edwin Arlington Robinson, begins by providing us with a portrait of a man who appears to have the perfect life. He is the wealthy, educated, debonair man that many women seek, the man that many men aspire to become.

 

— it is ever important for men in this country, particularly non-Japanese who might be unaware of the risks involved, to have an understanding of the nauseating depths to which a marriage in this country can sink. I know. Because I’m a Cory too.

 

I am greatly saddened to write that my Japanese wife of nearly 17 years is currently engaged in an affair that has intensified over the past year. She and her once-divorced infatuate text sweet nothings. They meet up after work and on weekends. Heck, he has driven to our home to pick her up!

 

My two older children, ages 12 and 9, have even told me that they and their 5-year-old brother have been taken along on a date and frightened into secrecy, causing the 9-year-old to privately exclaim, “I hate that man!”

 

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a bag filled with toothbrushes, body sponges and hairbrushes, many in plastic wrappings revealing the name of a love hotel they apparently frequent. Why would someone even bring that stuff home?

 

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that she had “lent” this man ¥7.7 million to cover his gambling losses, setting up an informal repayment plan than extends into 2017. 2017!

 

Imagine how shocked I was to find my mail from the previous year stashed away in a shoe box, and feeling stupid about complaining to the company and post office about mail apparently not being delivered.

 

Imagine the embarrassment when a classmate informed my daughter that her mother was seen walking hand in hand about the neighborhood with another man.

 

And imagine being continually implored in front of your children to throw in the towel: “I’m going to treat you poorly until you divorce me. Why don’t you just leave? You’re a gaijin! This is my country, not yours! I’m Japanese!”

 

Now, before you jump to conclusions about what a wimpy fool I am to tolerate these abominable indiscretions, take a deep breath and realize what country we’re in.

 

As long as this mother lives with and cares for her children, and desires custody of them — and she does — pursuing a divorce here in Japan will apparently only lead to me losing custody of the three children I cherish so deeply. According to two reputable lawyers I have consulted, fathers married to such women are generally awarded custody of young children only if the mother (1) desires to give it up, (2) is a danger to the children, (3) is deemed to be mentally impaired, (4) is financially incapable of caring for the children, or (5) is incarcerated.

 

No, perhaps, no, no and no.

 

I can confront her and repeatedly question the wisdom of her actions — and I have — but if this is how she wants to live her life, she is free to do so.

 

My only recourse appears to be a lawsuit against the other man, costing me treasured time and legal fees and likely resulting in an award of an unsatisfying ¥3 million in damages. Yea.

 

Even more ridiculous is the fact that these two lovebirds are public servants within the school system. Yes, the two who have so wantonly wreaked havoc within my family are actually respected, state-funded members of society charged with instilling responsibility in our youth.

 

So, onward I go toward the end of the poem:

 

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

 

Went home and put a bullet through his head.

 

For me, that bullet has gone through my heart, and I remain a wounded father embracing every second with my children, realizing that I chose to reside in this land in which the paternity of my own children can be unjustly ripped away at the whim of a disrespectful wife. I just didn’t realize it at the time, and even if I had, I probably would have thought, “It’ll never happen to me.”

 

I greatly miss the lovely woman I once knew. I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotion: disappointment in her and hatred of her behavior tempered by a deep caring for the woman I married, the mother of my children. Of course, I have no desire to be in a relationship with what she has become. Of course, I want to move forward with my life. But I also feel that the responsibility that I willingly took on as a father should supersede my own individual desires.

 

Why doesn’t my wife divorce me, you may wonder. I do too. My only guess is that she delights in being able to go out whenever she likes, because she currently has this great baby-sitter who not only doesn’t charge, but also cooks for the children, cleans up after them, bathes them and gets them into bed.

 

My lawyer has also confirmed that a divorce would result in a monthly child support payment that is far less than what I currently contribute to the family. Moreover, since my wife is gainfully employed, she would not be entitled to any alimony.

 

Finally, a divorce would not force either of us out of the house that we jointly own, and even though each of us could separately sell our share, buyers might not be lining up to purchase half a house that has somebody legally residing in it.

 

Complicating matters for my wife, the two oldest children have witnessed their mother’s gradual decline into this cunning, deceitful, spiteful ball of fury — a mother who does not hesitate to manipulate and mislead her own children. These bright youths might not consider it wise to risk relying on such a temperamental mother in the future.

 

According to my lawyer, during divorce children are not officially accorded the power to choose which parent they would prefer, but if they are old enough — and he believes the 12-year-old is and the 9-year-old just may be — the family court investigator will usually respect the child’s wishes.

 

Traumatic, however, could be the fate of the 5-year-old, with whom I have a special bond, most likely forged during the extended one-on-one time I spent with him during his almost monthly hospitalizations as a 2- and 3-year-old. His mother and her lover are currently emphasizing the permanency of their relationship, so if she does divorce, gain custody, and remarry, I would in essence be legally replaced as my own son’s father.

 

Yes, as ludicrous as it may sound, I, the father who spends virtually all his free time with his children, would be replaced by someone who spends his free time sinking into greater and greater gambling debt. The best interests of the child would be replaced by the selfish interests of the mother.

 

Mathematically, my choice to reside in Japan after marriage + her choice to have an affair and then divorce = my loss of my own children. That is, without a doubt, flawed math. Goodbye grandparents, goodbye aunts and uncles, goodbye cousins, goodbye daddy.

 

On an equally serious note, until recently I had never been able to understand how a person could contemplate suicide. “Can life really ever get that bad?” I used to think.

 

But I now understand why so many choose this way out: If you’re disrespected by your spouse, made to feel like dirt in your own home, and misrepresented to your children and throughout the neighborhood, you only hope that a fragile economy on a downturn or a personal illness doesn’t result in a worsening of the situation.

 

I have never been the suicide type — instead thinking that the potential for an upswing appears to be exponentially greater when you’re near bottom — but I now do understand why this would be an option weighed by many. Sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

 

When you say “I do” to a Japanese woman, most men may think that they are professing their undying love for their partner. Some may think that they are accepting her into their family.

 

All men should realize, though, that this “I do” is an acceptance of the absurd risk that comes with unions between those settling in this country: I do recognize that there is a significant likelihood that I will lose my children

[revelations]

HurtHusband, I hate to say it, however it sounds like Japan does something similar that most western countries do. That is the father is pretty much reduced to the role of a paycheck and that is it. I know that when I was going through courts trying to get visitation rights enforced and dealing with child support it was a nightmare. Even with court ordered visitation rights my ex would deny me seeing my child, no police would enforce the order. When back in court she would get her child support raised because my percentage of time with the child was zero. When I would complain that this is because she denied me my right to see my kid, at the most the judge would tell my ex to let me see the kid, nothing else, no enforcement. However that child support was enforced with a vengeance.

 

Myself I only made that mistake once, I have only one kid. I married a different woman later on and I found out that she could cheat as much as she likes and I would be the one to pay the price for it. Anymore I avoid relationships with women. Well I will still date, however marriage, kids and living together are out of the question for me. The reason I decided to live my life this way is because of how the laws are, at least where I live. We all know that raising a child is far more than what a person contributes financially. However today money is the only thing that the courts are concerned about and the only thing they will enforce. Wives are rewarded for cheating or just abandoning a marriage with alimony payments that are to keep her in a lifestyle she is use to. Truthfully a husband is only a husband as long as the marriage is intact. The marriage can be terminated at anytime at the wife's will. Once the marriage is terminated then the husband takes on the role of a slave, being force to work and give what he produces to the wife and kids (kids that most of the time the father is not allowed to see).

 

I always discourage men from getting married. I often times will tell them to look up the laws to find out what happens with divorce and child support. More and more men are getting wise to this and are not getting married these days. Until laws are changed, getting married or having kids is a very bad deal for men. Men like you that are married often times will loose out on raising their kids. From what you have written on this thread it sounds to me like Japan is just more upfront with it, unlike the United States. For men like me that have gone through this stuff and men like you that are going through it, the truth is that it is too late for us. The dream we had of being in our kids lives gives way to the reality that the mother will not allow this and the courts will back her on it. We have to live the nightmare of paying for a child that we see only in old pictures. I never want to see another man go through what I have gone through. My hope is that men read my words that I write here and other places, listen to my story and other men's stories and avoids having kids or getting married.

 

We can talk all day long about how financially crippling outrageous child support and alimony demands can be. At the end, it is not the money that hurts, it is the time lost with your children. Until courts will acknowledge that fathers are more than the paycheck that we earn, men have no hope of being secure in a marriage. Welcome to the new world where men are disposable and only as good as the money they make. HurtHusband your story is not different than any other man's story here. We all want to do what is right for our kids. However the truth is that to the courts and to women, men hold no real value. I don't care if is Japan or the U.S., you can fight it out in court until all of the money you have or can borrow is gone. In the end you will still be paying and never be able to see your kids. This is why I say that the only way to play the game is not to play at all and go your own way.

[HurtHusband]

Revelations, thank you for your reply. I know your right..it took me afew days to reply.

 

I am married, I want to make love with my wife. She is the only woman in my life. I want to have a normal relationship. Of course I am still attracted to my wife, I tell her I want to have sex with her. She says 'we are like friends' she does'nt want sex. She says is'ent cuddling up and watching a movie enough? She makes me feel bad for wanting sex with her. I say, "we are husband and wife' she says 90% of married couples don't have sex! please read a book about men and women"!..however her actions totally contradict this statement! she doesn't want sex, but yet she cheated on me and got pregnant...really at this stage..I could have exploded..What the hell am I? Is there any love for me...

 

my wife says " we have two young kids..5 yrs later they will be older...by that she means..hang on?

 

In 5 yrs we might start having sex? I know all this makes me sound like a sex maniac, sex is not everything, but I need it, I am starved of love and going crazy... her not understanding this, just speaks volumes..it's all about her...My needs somehow don't matter...I have thought about affairs..but I work EVERYDAY than I come home and drink every night ( separate rooms obviously).

Afew beers at night, that's my crutch..I mean FFS we all need our vice, the kids are beautiful, pure sunshine..innocent, I am not an alcoholic...but this is hard..I am not the carefree happy person before all this happened..even my wife has commented on this ...but seriously...I feel like commenting ' this is because of you, you bollocks...but I bite my tongue...

 

ok, I am a normal red blooded male. But it's hard to accept the hypocrisy, when you are denied sex for 3 + yrs and in that time you remain celibate and don't cheat and try to be a good husband, and then your wife has an affair...I seriously am sick of listening to her take on what's 'normal' and what I should accept...I retained my calm and patience..but seriously I am pissed!! I could seriously lose it at this point..but I retain my calm..

[No Limit]

I always discourage men from getting married.

 

I'm a woman and not a fan of marriage. Stories like the one posted above are just so.. ugh! It's amazing that people have the restraint to endure this for years instead of turning into murderers.

[happyman64]

HH

 

 

Did you ever have that chat with your MIL about your wifes spending habits?

 

 

I would.

 

 

Depending on your MIL's reaction if it is positive and she is willing to help I would gradually seek her assistance or advice on your marriage.

 

 

just to see if she can be an allie.

 

 

It might be worth a shot.

 

 

In what country did you get married in?

 

 

HM

[HurtHusband]

The MIL would be on my side at this stage, if I did tell her....I mean forget Christian or non-Christian or different cultures..some things are just wrong in any culture! She would be shocked...

 

Turn into murderers??? Ha!! I love my kids, more than anything..i am a very very patient man. I would not do anything crazy, But I tell you it's hard. It's very hard...i desperately want affection, appreciation, from my wife..but it's not there..if I ask or talk to her..I'm a wimp...if I say I am depressed and thinking about killing myself..she says just go ahead and do it..

 

I wouldn't kill myself cause I love my kids and will not give up...but I just wanted to know that she was concerned for me..that she cares for me...because is this really the shocking truth..that I could kill myself tomorrow and she wouldn't care? Is that really it? Seriously? Is she some sort of cold blooded sociopath?

[beach]

Stop begging her! She's cheating and not at all interested in you.

 

Start living as a single man. Don't pay anything toward her expenses - even rent - let her pay as she owns that place anyway.

 

Start saving your money! And seek out an attorney in your area to help you know for sure what the law states .

 

Stop letting your wife bully you!

[whichwayisup]

'we are like friends' she does'nt want sex. She says is'ent cuddling up and watching a movie enough? She makes me feel bad for wanting sex with her. I say, "we are husband and wife' she says 90% of married couples don't have sex! please read a book about men and women"!..however her actions totally contradict this statement! she doesn't want sex, but yet she cheated on me and got pregnant...really at this stage..I could have exploded..What the hell am I? Is there any love for me...

 

my wife says " we have two young kids..5 yrs later they will be older...by that she means..hang on?

 

She isn't sexually attracted to you anymore. She 'loves' you but isn't emotionally invested or emotionally in love with you. That's what is happening. Sorry you're hurting and hope my words don't sting too much, but reality is, you can be married to her for another 10 years and she won't have sex with you too often. When/if she does, it'll be mercy sex just to make you happy and honestly, you're better off NOT having that type of sex. You will live as roommates, pals, bro/sis and eventually you'll resent her and have pent up anger which creates tension and bad/negative energy around your kids.

 

She is saying she doesn't want to divorce right now because the kids are too young. Uh hello, then she shouldn't have cheated on you. And gotten pregnant by someone else. She isn't thinking at all, except about herself.

[whichwayisup]

The MIL would be on my side at this stage, if I did tell her....I mean forget Christian or non-Christian or different cultures..some things are just wrong in any culture! She would be shocked...

 

Turn into murderers??? Ha!! I love my kids, more than anything..i am a very very patient man. I would not do anything crazy, But I tell you it's hard. It's very hard...i desperately want affection, appreciation, from my wife..but it's not there..if I ask or talk to her..I'm a wimp...if I say I am depressed and thinking about killing myself..she says just go ahead and do it..

 

I wouldn't kill myself cause I love my kids and will not give up...but I just wanted to know that she was concerned for me..that she cares for me...because is this really the shocking truth..that I could kill myself tomorrow and she wouldn't care? Is that really it? Seriously? Is she some sort of cold blooded sociopath?

 

Stop showing her your emotions. Do not open up and talk to her about what you feel or think. Close that up and shut it down now. She will use that against you eventually and that's not good.

 

DO tell your MIL about what is going on. You have nothing to lose. You've lost her already, she left mentally a long time ago. She's a shell of what used to be your wife. Sorry..

[spanz1]

And gotten pregnant by someone else. She isn't thinking at all, except about herself.

 

getting pregnant while cheating...actually is fairly common. The reason is affair sex is very often unprotected sex. Why? the theory goes that a woman is genetically programmed to cheat, maybe every 7 years like clockwork. The body tells them that they need more sex, need another baby, before their biological clcok ticks down. So they look for a man with a higher sexual ranking than their husband, and have unprotected sex. the point of the affair, at least subconsiously, IS the unprotected sex. Some even schedule the sex when they are the most fertile. Some studies state that the reason the affair sex produces stronger orgasms is to open up the paths more so the cheater's sperm has a better chance of impregnating her.

 

 

Now just becuase genetics cause this subconscious urge does NOT mean that many women cheat. They are intelligent enough to figure out that their bodies are making them horniy for bad reasons, and redirect that horniness to their husband, or into porn/erotic novels, or knitting...etc. OR they are at least smart enough to like the cheating sex, but make the man wear a condom or be on BC/morning after pill.

 

 

So, no, having unprotected sex while she is cheating is no indication of her love or lack of love for you. It just shows she is a little stupid--she responds to urges without thinking.

[No Limit]

Stop trying to get affection from your wife. Find a GF who will desire you as much as you desire her. And do tell the MIL, your "wife" deserves some extra pressure.

[HurtHusband]

She isn't sexually attracted to you anymore. She 'loves' you but isn't emotionally invested or emotionally in love with you. That's what is happening. Sorry you're hurting and hope my words don't sting too much, but reality is, you can be married to her for another 10 years and she won't have sex with you too often. When/if she does, it'll be mercy sex just to make you happy and honestly, you're better off NOT having that type of sex. You will live as roommates, pals, bro/sis and eventually you'll resent her and have pent up anger which creates tension and bad/negative energy around your kids.

 

She is saying she doesn't want to divorce right now because the kids are too young. Uh hello, then she shouldn't have cheated on you. And gotten pregnant by someone else. She isn't thinking at all, except about herself.

 

Yes, this is basically it in a nutshell..

Edited November 3, 2014 by HurtHusband

[Miss Clavel]

Thank you both. Well when you have two kids and when you are working etc. of course you are busy and you may have less time together as a couple... but I trusted my wife 100% and this has knocked me sideways. The irony in her cheating and having sex, but at the same time having little/ no interest in sex and telling me to go elsewhere to satisfy my natural urges is not lost on me.. But they say women cheat for various reasons, maybe she was angry with me or needed some excitement... We'll she certainly got the excitement part.

 

I know I am making excuses for her, she had a choice.

Also she had sex with me, knowing full well the OM was a total pig who slept around and recklessly impregnated 5 other women..what if he had an std and she passed it on to me...she did not consider that...

 

how in the hell did you get to be friends with that pig? i wouldn't sit next to him on a city bus.

 

anyway, take your wife to the OB/GYN and have her hormone levels checked, there is a test they can do to figure out what is going on with a woman that has a total lack of desire, woman of any age can go thru a lack of desire and it could be any number of things, depression, thyroid, estrogen or postpartum.

 

it sounds to me like maybe she went with your "friend" in an effort to feel something/try something. to shake herself awake. and having to have an abortion must have wrecked her emotionally.

 

take her to the doctor. insist.

[revelations]

HurtHusband I really wish I had better answers for you. From what you are saying your cheating wife is basically telling you to get use to not having sex with her and that she is going to cheat on you. You have kids and want to see them. The only two real options you have is to stay their and put up with your cheating wife until the kids are grown or leave. When I say leave I mean preferably leave the country. Don't ever fall into that trap thinking you can at least be a weekend dad. The first thing that happens is those kids are used as pawns. If your MIL would be on your side I would suggest telling her. I would suggest saying something like this

"I am very happy to have you as an MIL and feel lucky for that. However I am very sad that I married your daughter, she is very mean and abusive to me. She will not have sex with me and has gotten pregnant by another man and expects me to pay for the child and raise it. I am ashamed to be married to your daughter and ashamed of her. I have always done my best to take care of her and be there for her. She has repaid this by emasculating and humiliating me in the worse possible way. If I could get away from her and still be able to see my kids I would. At this point your daughter holds no value to me because she has proven I am of no value to her. Our kids I still love dearly and is the only reason I am still with her. If you can talk any sense into her at all I would be very grateful for this. Understand I am not upset with you, only with what your daughter has done to me".

 

Most of the times if you let everyone know about your wife's cheating that alone can be enough to incite change in her. In your case I would not count on much, maybe once a month she will lay their on the bed and watch the paint peel, however that is about it. I hate to say it but your wife does not love you or respect you at all. So your only two real choices are to put up with it to see the kids or leave her, however this means leaving your kids also. If you can stick it out till your kids are older you can make your escape easier on yourself. Remember you can hide and save money. The thing is that when/if you do leave don't say a word about it. If you can tell her you are visiting relatives or wait till she goes to visit family. Then pack up your stuff, send some of it UPS and get on a plane and start a new life in a different country. Don't leave a letter, no address, no phone, nothing. Also make sure you ditch your cell phone, get a new one when you get to your new country.

 

Your in a bad situation now and you know what your major choices are. If you ever do get free of this make sure and never make the same mistake again. If you really must have a lover just live with her, never marry again. Leaving your wife like I have suggested may seem cold. However I would not worry about that I don't think she will shed a tear over it. Another thing is that what I am suggesting you to do is not nearly as cold as getting pregnant by anther man and telling you to get use to not having sex ever again. I wish I could tell you something different, however those are the only real two options you have. You know the minute you go to divorce court you will loose the kids and have to pay through the nose.

 

Now No Limit is right, stop requesting affection from your cheating wife. I don't know what the laws are in Japan, however if she cannot hold cheating against you in divorce court then get yourself an escort or a massage with a happy ending. No Limit is a good woman that understands how bad marriages can be. I have a lot of respect for her because she calls it like she sees it.

 

I do wish you the best of luck my friend. I would also suggest that aside from not requesting affection from your wife, you detach from her emotionally also. Start doing more things on your own and living for yourself. Right now she can keep hurting you because your still emotionally attached to her and she is not emotionally attached to you. Stop hugging and kissing her, no gifts at all, no dinners or dates of any kind, cover up when she walks into the room (stop letting her see you nude). I mean just cut her off completely. When talking with her keep it to anything concerning the kids. Don't ask how her day was or anything. If she starts trying to hold a conversation with you just roll your eyes and leave the room, the house if you have to. Spend more time with your friends. If you don't have friends make some, preferably single friends. When you become disinterested in your cheating wife and make a new life for yourself this will also cause change in her. However regardless even if she does change I would suggest leaving her the second your kids are grown. Like I said, no note, no divorce, no nothing. At this point you own her nothing, not even basic respect. She does not give it to you and she damn sure has not been worthy of your respect.

[spanz1]

From what you are saying your cheating wife is basically telling you to get use to not having sex with her and that she is going to cheat on you.

 

That is spot on. So if there is no sex in your marriage, and she is going to continue having loads of sex with other men....can you really call that a marriage? sounds like a standard cuckold scenario. Unless you are into that "lifestyle", sounds like a good time to draw up some papers.

[HurtHusband]

The truth is there was never much sex in our relationship to begin with..when we started having kids, I thought this may be due to childbirth. I figured women naturally lose interest in sex after they have children..of course I wanted to have sex with her..but I just accepted the situation and concentrated on providing for my family...

 

After her confession, I thought if we did have sex it may bring us closer together and help heal our relationship..also I thought that if I made an effort to be romantic and wine and dine her, she may be more inclined to want to make love with me..

 

however now I realize, it's not going to happen..she does not want sex with me PERIOD! I will not drop any suggestive hints or even mention the word..

We can still go out for meals and enjoy a nice evening..but I know it won't lead to anything...so it's official, we are in a sexless marriage...this won't change...

 

 

I know she would say something like "men and women are different, or most married couples are not having sex" but it's disappointing that she doesn't try..or realize how having sex with your partner is good for your relationship...but I suppose 'trying' would actually be considering my feelings and needs for once..and that's unlikely considering that she only really cares about her own interests..

 

We didn't have a church wedding, but in a marriage I assumed we both believed in certain ideals, like 'in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer" one of the consequences of her cheating is that I now realize that sadly those ideals don't apply to us..if I got sick or lost my job, would she support me? Take care of me?

Would she be there for me if I really needed her? I am not so sure..I have to take care of myself now. I can't rely on any moral support from my wife..I have to be strong and be my own cheerleader...and if no friends and family are around to tell me that I am a decent, hardworking good person, than I have to tell myself that!

 

and my 4 year old also tells me she loves me and appreciates me...

 

I spend a lot of time outside working, but in the house I will interact normally with my wife..we watch DVDs, eat dinner, take care of the kids..I am not going to noticeably ignore her or act differently..because doing so won't result in her becoming more affectionate or concerned about me...

 

Will she cheat again..? I will be at work so I won't know, maybe she will. Maybe she will get bored with child care, maybe that female friend of hers will be a bad influence and lead her astray..I know now what she is capable of...she knows I am a worker and provider and a great father, but what if she cheats and becomes emotionally attached to someone else? I don't trust her, so now I have to consider this possibility...

[Spectre]

I guarantee you she will cheat again. It's not a question of if, but when. Trash like this don't just stop being trash.

[spanz1]

I got sick or lost my job, would she support me? Take care of me?

Would she be there for me if I really needed her? I am not so sure..I have to take care of myself now. I can't rely on any moral support from my wife..I have to be strong and be my own cheerleader...and if no friends and family are around to tell me that I am a decent, hardworking good person, than I have to tell myself that!

...

 

wow, that is pretty dismal!

if i were you i would start with a trial separation. see if dating other women is for you. Also see if she truly could not give a rat's bottom about you, or maybe you being gone sparks some long dormant love for you.

 

 

But...it certainly looks like it is over. Start spliting up the finances, find a lawyer.

[HurtHusband]

Spanz1 lawyer is irrelevant here..divorce is a 5 minute, fill in 1 page document job here..you need never set foot in a courthouse here to get divorced...

 

I asked the MIL today, did she go shopping with my wife yesterday ( she did) anyways she told my wife ( cause usually I don't say much to the MIL) and the wife realized I was checking up on her and was very angry when I got home...

 

I tried to downplay it, avoided getting Into an argument etc. the wife says 'Do you really think I'd be having another affair so soon..and also if I did have an affair, I would leave no trace of evidence and there would be no way you would know..' I don't know how to reply to that..it's not exactly something I'd be proud of..so I just thank her for dinner and change the subject..' She says she's beginning to hate me and ' I hate you!' She sounds almost like one of those hormonal teenagers...and I just shrug and say 'goodnight dear'

 

In a strange way, I am kind of glad she is angry and stressed...I have been thinking about life and death and feeling utterly miserable for such a long time because of her..

 

I do think to some degree there is 'something wrong' with her. She takes medication, I know don't know what It's for, to help her sleep I think, she doesn't know either..anxiety maybe? Who knows..if she knew she wouldn't be taking it..if I ask her, she is defensive and even blamed me once...over here they have no therapy or counseling and just give you some tablets...

[oldshirt]

 

the wife says 'Do you really think I'd be having another affair so soon..and also if I did have an affair, I would leave no trace of evidence and there would be no way you would know."

 

 

 

...

 

You do realize this means she is planning out how to have another affair and get away with it completely right??

[HurtHusband]

It struck me as a very odd thing to say...I said why the hell would you say something like that? When people lie, their body language, tone etc. usually gives them away..why would she get so angry? Why so defensive...she does not like the fact I checked up on her, one single bit....I could sense a lot of anger..

Edited November 6, 2014 by HurtHusband

[oldshirt]

It struck me as a very odd thing to say...I said why the hell would you say something like that?

 

because she is spending a big part of her day plotting and planning her next affair.

 

 

 

When people lie, their body language, tone etc. usually gives them away..why would she get so angry?

 

she was not lying. She was telling the truth. She is planning her next affair(s) down to the last details. She will cover her tracks real well.

 

She is angry because your relationship has deteriorated to the point that everything you say or do pisses her off. She has been honest with you. She does hate you.

 

 

Why so defensive...she does not like the fact I checked up on her, one single bit....I could sense a lot of anger..

 

 

she is defensive because she wants to live her life freely without you and not having you interfer with her at all. She is only with you because you supply her with money and provide a roof over her head and food and help with the children. She doesn't want you meddling in her life or interfering with her in any other way.

 

One of these days you will wake up and realize that.

 

See responses above

[HurtHusband]

Oldshirt...I am realizing it believe me..

 

This morning everything was fine, my daughter loves singing and she was on about finding a voice coach in the back of the car, and that when we go back to visit my home country, and she says she can sing with her cousins etc!? It's weird how last night she says she hates me and than the next morning she can talk about future events as if our relationship will just continue...and all her comments are forgotten...I find her comments hurtful..it's sad..I don't want my wife to say 'she hates me' but she must also be a quite immature to not realize this...

 

 

If I somehow got free of her and got custody of the kids..I can only imagine that she would portray herself as the victim in all of this and me as some heartless bastard...as if it's her right to abuse me, to lie and to cheat...it's like all those aristos back in 17th century France treating the peasants like **** and one day getting a shock when they find their head under the guillotine...