Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[Radu]

While you say the women have brought this on themselves, yes I'm sure some certainly know they have the upper hand and exploit it, but how much of the system has been crafted by women? I thought the political system in Japan is dominated by men. Why the hell are the laws not changing to become more equitable for married men? What are they scared of female voter backlash.

 

I know lots of people think Japanese men run the show when it comes to their marriages but they are very wrong from the stories I heard from expats. People in the west think Japanese wives are all like submissive geishas, but not in the married home. Many work exhausted husbands are pussy whipped.

 

When it comes to the family, Japan [and many of the asian countries for that matter] is not a patriarchy, but a matriarchy.

 

If you are familiar with the Canadian/UK system in divorce [and the power a woman has over there at divorce], think like that ... but much much MUCH worse.

I wrote somewhere above that it is the ingrained duty of the woman to control everything household related, and that includes kids also.

If she doesn't, she gets judged by the other women.

 

It is quite the land of contrasts, in many ways it is like Victorian influenced England.

A woman can act deplorably in public, she can drop dead drunk in the middle of the party district on a bench at 2 AM, and nobody will touch her, Police will stop and help her.

A man does the same ... heh.

Everyone puts on a respectable face, but they are utter *******s underneath and anything psychologic is not valued at all.

 

I think HH is starting to get it and come up with a plan.

It's about strength, he has to show it or she will not respect him and will end up abusing him.

And like his co-worker said ... 'give her enough rope to hang herself'.

Edited December 19, 2014 by Radu

[underpants]

Well, your story is sad, and kind of fascinating (in a cultural context).

 

I am not sure if this is a good idea?

 

What I read is that your wife seems to be motivated by money, I guess that is what she likes about being married.

 

What if you convinced her to move the family (her too) to the UK (I think that is your country) and tell her it is for a big raise in income?

 

Your brother in law, or other family members/friends may even be able to help, with this 'new fantastic career opportunity'. You might even be able to convince her that you two need to sell the apartment to move.

 

Lure her over to a country with more father friendly divorce laws, bide your time and then get divorced where you would be able to achieve some legal custody, and legal consequences should she attempt to take your children out of the country.

 

I would say you could divorce and basically pay to see your kids. That sounds like what your friend has worked out. That may work for a while, until she finds another chump with money.

 

What a crappy situation.

 

Good luck.

[underpants]

It also sounds like she can divorce you at any time and take the children anyway.

 

If that is the case then she will at some point do exactly that.

 

Get a plan together.

 

How about having divorce papers drawn up ahead of a family holiday (shopping) trip in the UK with with an emergency support (so she can afford to stay there until the divorce is final), as well as a 'can't leave the country' with the children clause. Grandparents want to see children and you can see Milan or whatever may entice her.

 

While she is shopping you ensure the children's safety then serve her? Let her know how things are going to be for the next few months and offer her a visitation plan to see her children there.

 

Does her family have money? She doesn't work, so she wouldn't be able to afford to return to Japan without your assistance anyway, unless her family would help. You could pay for an apartment for her yourself and give her an allowance that sees her through the time frame of completing the divorce.

 

Of course run all my wacky ideas by an attorney, but there has to be a way.

 

I wouldn't wait too long. When she is ready to f you she will, as she has shown she can.

 

Again, good luck.

 

ps. I think you should journal this experience and one day sell your story, then laugh when you get rich of this cluster f of a tragedy.

[HurtHusband]

Hello

 

Thank you for the reply. Living in a country with more child friendly custody laws is a very good option and I have thought about this a lot. And it's something I would like to do. Our kids go to English speaking schools and we both love travel. Once the kids are settled or going to school in that country they are subject to the laws in that country. If my wife took off with the kids and flew back here, she would be in the wrong and subject to international custody orders. When things break down a lot of the mothers simply fly back here with the kids, in their mind they are simply 'coming home!'

 

Of course this country does not give a monkeys about any overseas custody orders, they always rule in favor of their own citizens and have yet to court order the return of any children taken here by a Japanese parent from overseas.

 

I know all that. But at least if it did happen, I would be on the right side of the law. I could either negotiate with her once she has calmed down or else..try other means. Again, its not good for me to think of the worst case scenario, because it does not always work out like that. I have a great relationship with the kids, she has no family to help raise them and her savings are limited. She would be making her life very hard and she would eventually realize this and probably work something out with me where I can pay for the kids schooling and spend time with them too. So, I try to keep things in perspective.

 

 

I am of course very upset about the affair, but I have reached a sort of plateau where it bothers me less. We are together everyday, and going out with the family to the park or eating out. I suppose it's all water under the bridge in her mind. And she is oblivious to what I have been feeling the past few months. But the kids are happy and for me thats the main thing. I know the advice of ' leave her, get your self respect back! ' I know that's right too..but I like seeing my kids everyday and maybe because I live here that advice may not be as practical.

 

If we ever did break up, than of course I would want us to be on very good speaking terms where both of us can continue to be very involved in raising the kids.

 

** I don't think you can simply go home for a holiday and serve your partner with divorce papers. You would either have to be living there for a certain period or be planning to move there. I do plan to investigate this more however. My kids do have passports for my home country also.

Edited January 6, 2015 by HurtHusband

[HurtHusband]

I figured out the code for my wife's iphone just right now.

I looked in her mail and found two mails from a guy in the US. I knew if him, year ago before we had kids she went out with a group of friends. Nothing wrong with that, but later I accidentally saw her hotmail. And this guy sounded like he liked my wife! He said he felt sad that he had to leave and that their kiss goodbye was sad and what an amazing time they had.

She denied it when I confronted her and said they were just friends.

 

Now fast forward about 5 years and their are two mails days dec. 2014.

I read the mails, he basically said.." I agree,we had lots of fun when we spent time together, and let's think of all the fun things we can do together when I come back"

 

He also sent her a Christmas gift, she used her friends address to recieve it. One if the other mothers. I don't know what the gift was. My wife sent an old photo from 5 + yes ago of the two if them sitting together at some restaurant. He sent a recent pic. My wife said ' I have changed alot' I look different now.

 

So basically, they have not met for a long time, and five years ago, they did have some sort of fling. I suppose he dies'nt know she is married now with two kids? He is probably looking forward to seeing her again on his next visit, whenever that is. I said nothing to the wife, I can monitor her phone now that I know the code.

 

What bothers me is, I feel that my wife was hedging her bets, this guy was in the background remaining her of the holiday romance and she also had the affair recently. So she wS never 100% emotionally invested in our relationship and this is another reason we don't have a sexlife.

 

 

As I wrote previously, she doesn't mind if I look elsewhere for intimacy.

It's easy to find a playmate here, but than my worry I someday she may become emotionally attached to someone else. Than what happens. We are going on holiday next week, boy do I need a holiday

Edited January 7, 2015 by HurtHusband

[No Limit]

Great that you now have a little more access for monitoring her - but it simply confirms you were her meal ticket from the very start.

[sandylee1]

I figured out the code for my wife's iphone just right now.

I looked in her mail and found two mails from a guy in the US. I knew if him, year ago before we had kids she went out with a group of friends. Nothing wrong with that, but later I accidentally saw her hotmail. And this guy sounded like he liked my wife! He said he felt sad that he had to leave and that their kiss goodbye was sad and what an amazing time they had.

She denied it when I confronted her and said they were just friends.

 

Now fast forward about 5 years and their are two mails days dec. 2014.

I read the mails, he basically said.." I agree,we had lots of fun when we spent time together, and let's think of all the fun things we can do together when I come back"

 

He also sent her a Christmas gift, she used her friends address to recieve it. One if the other mothers. I don't know what the gift was. My wife sent an old photo from 5 + yes ago of the two if them sitting together at some restaurant. He sent a recent pic. My wife said ' I have changed alot' I look different now.

 

So basically, they have not met for a long time, and five years ago, they did have some sort of fling. I suppose he dies'nt know she is married now with two kids? He is probably looking forward to seeing her again on his next visit, whenever that is. I said nothing to the wife, I can monitor her phone now that I know the code.

 

What bothers me is, I feel that my wife was hedging her bets, this guy was in the background remaining her of the holiday romance and she also had the affair recently. So she wS never 100% emotionally invested in our relationship and this is another reason we don't have a sexlife.

 

 

As I wrote previously, she doesn't mind if I look elsewhere for intimacy.

It's easy to find a playmate here, but than my worry I someday she may become emotionally attached to someone else. Than what happens. We are going on holiday next week, boy do I need a holiday

 

I've read your thread and my heart breaks for the situation you are in. I don't know how your W can be so cruel. This kind of thing happens to guys who genuinely give a damn, because many others would walk away for their own sanity and safety.

 

 

The ages of your kids are so young and I don't know how much of this you can continue to endure. Lack of remorse and pretty much saying she'll cheat again, that's so cold.

 

Others have mentioned the consulate and relocating to another country. Like others have advised you can find someone for intimacy, but I hope that person doesn't become so attached to you that they want more than you can give. Whilst your W says you can go and find someone else, do you think she'd be jealous if you actually did?

 

I don't want to dramatise things but I would ask if you feel safe over there? If you were my brother I'd honestly be so worried about your wellbeing. You don't know what she is capable of. Ultimately you have to think of your safety.

 

I know you love your children and are very much a guy who takes those responsibilities seriously. Did you ever think about her mum finding out anonymously? ?

 

Please take care

[Fearful]

Your wife didn't love u from d beginning and only her knows the reason why she married you. I just hope that these children who you are living for are truely yours. She cheated on you, she is cheating on you and will eventually dump you when you have outlived your usefulness. If you dont end it with her in when you still have some steel in you, she will end it with you when you are used-up. She is still with you because no body want her in a serious way. Do away with your fears, end it now and when you get to the bridge you will know how to cross it.

[sandylee1]

Your wife didn't love u from d beginning and only her knows the reason why she married you. I just hope that these children who you are living for are truely yours. She cheated on you, she is cheating on you and will eventually dump you when you have outlived your usefulness. If you dont end it with her in when you still have some steel in you, she will end it with you when you are used-up. She is still with you because no body want her in a serious way. Do away with your fears, end it now and when you get to the bridge you will know how to cross it.

 

I wondered about the kids as well. Get a dna test done it's easy to do, just look online for info. Get the results sent to your place of work.

 

This situation is going to end badly for you unfortunately. Think seriously about whether you can really carry on like this. A woman who would show absolutely no concern when you say you feel suicidal; I really can't imagine that. For her to say go on and do it, shows she is capable of anything.

 

You need a plan. Women have taken their abducted children back from the Arab countries. Imagine how difficult that would be. But they did it. Keep looking into a solution and remember to cover your searching tracks in case she's suspicious. Browse incognito and keep your tech locked down.

 

She knows she has a hold on you because of the kids. Although she's hiding things, what could you really do if caught her in an affair? Nothing. If she knew you'd walk away regardless that may alter things. Being a single mom probably isn't so desirable for her.

 

Look after yourself, do things for yourself on your own without her. Sports or other hobbies. Maybe travel on your own as well. Detach from her emotionally because she is not good.

 

I would set up a fake email account and email the guy she got in touch with anonymously. Tell him the woman named xxx is married with children and has cheated on her H. Juggle the detail so it's not exactly true, and can't be linked to you, then delete the account.

[HurtHusband]

Thank you all for your concern.

 

When I saw the mails from the old flame, my heart was pounding and my hands actually started to shake. There were two mails dated dec. 19th

I didn't check her sent mails and I didn't see any older mails.

 

She also said ' I look different now' So I wonder what happened? They obviously loosely kept in contact, but is she trying to rekindle some past romance now that the other affair is over? Maybe he just contacted her because it was near Christmas. The tone of the mail was abit flirty and he wrote..'it would be nice to come home from work to an attractive woman like you' or words to that effect. So 5+ yrs and he still has a thing for her.

 

 

 

If she met someone who was seriously interested in her, and maybe had money etc. she might drop me like a stone. I agree that it doesn't look good and that it could end badly for me. I have not discussed having an open relationship with my wife, I know she has told me she doesn't care.. And I could be very discreet.

But where will it lead to? It' would be naive of me to think we can both have affairs and my wife would not become emotionally attached to her new man?

 

 

Going home or going abroad and divorcing would be the safest option , but this is going to be very messy, she will go ballistic.. I may have to move away for awhile with the kids until I get full custody ( if I can )

 

 

I would have to be very strong and believe 100% that I am in the right, that I am making the right decision. The kids would be crying for their mother and it would be really heartbreaking. I know it's not fair, but I can't compare myself to the man at work who divorced here and sees his kid everyday.. He is the exception, the usual js you walk and hardly ever see your kids again. She could shack up with the new man, tell the kids I was a deadbeat and hey presto the kids have a new daddy and I'm history. There are no laws here to protect my rights, so there are no guarantees..

Edited January 7, 2015 by HurtHusband

[sandylee1]

Out of curiosity have you ever asked her how she sees the future for you both. If she's truthful it might help you with your plans, as although I don't think she knows the meaning of truth.

 

My concerns are that although you are wanting to be there for the kids, when they get older and easier to manage she could decide to walk away from you then. It's such an awful society that she can do that. Kids of 10 & 12 are much easier to manage and she may just kick you to the curb.

 

Maybe while you are on holiday consider the anonymous exposure to her mom. She would unlikely suspect it was you while on holiday. Shame can make a hell of a difference if someone has family values. If you do go ahead with this, do it from the view of a female who has seen the A going on. It would be good for her to suffer some consequences for her behaviour. I guarantee my mom would be horrified if I did such and she'd make it damn clear.

 

Continue to look after yourself and even if you can't be with someone physically right now., an emotional connection online will make you feel better.

[HurtHusband]

Yesterday I asked my wife if she wanted to 'talk' she said what for? I said to fix things, so that we can be happier. She said, " I am happy"

 

You see, my wife has everything she needs, she is perfectly happy with our marriage. She has the maid, the provider the hands on daddy with me and she also has the option of having an affair on the side. So suits her down to the ground, nothing to talk about, no sex for me.

 

Her mother is meek, has no friends and would do nothing. She would know it was me and only get angry and kick me out maybe? She has no other family.

 

 

The old flame sent the present to her friends address. Now this woman is married to a doctor, he is super busy and only comes home like once a week. He has another woman on the side, my wife's friend doesn't work and occasionally has lunch with some old rich guy. My wife told me all this.

 

Now I know my wife has probably been influenced by this woman, I have met her and had cake and tea in her house. My wife once said to me .. " it's better that they have an open relationship instead of fighting at home" but in our case we are not fighting! So, basically having an affair to my wife is no big deal. As long as you keep it outside the family home.

 

 

The future is.. We want our two kids to go to this western all English speaking international school. It's a great school and I want my kids to go there. So does the wife. Our kids are bi-racial and the the older one goes to an English kindergarten and is fluent in eng/Jpn.

I am not a fan of the culture here.. I want my kids to be westernized...I want them to be able to express themselves and they can go to uni abroad or wherever they please.

 

 

In this society ' the nail that sticks up gets hammered down' I never want them to feel ashamed, or awkward or like a novelty about their mixed heritage. I may be painting a bleak picture here, but this country is a very repressed place..look at my situation.. I am not in Kansas anymore. You can't talk about any problem and people keep it all inside.. Her father killed himself and I had to go down the puce station to identify the poor man. And we never knew.. That's just an example.. So both of the kids are baptized and I will get them passports from my country too.. Not that I am especially devout ( although the international school is Christian and baptism counts towards entry) but because I want them to be different.

 

So that's the future here.. Work hard.. Look after the kids and get them into a good school. My wife would be interested in living abroad for a year or two.. Of course I would be happy to get out of here.

 

Our family may stay intact here until the kids reach 16 or an age when I can explain things to them.. The wildcard in the pack is, what if my wife meets some fella and wants to be with him? They are very young, anything can happen.

[bigman1]

I find your story frustrating. I admit to checking in on it VERY infrequently, but for some reason I can't help it. I catch up and then realize its the same story.

 

I apologize if I seem brusque, but what exactly are you doing? Seriously, you sound like a masochist. You need to get you some expert advice on how to get out of this hell. A good lawyer can show you the way out. Of course, you have to be willing to keep looking and then follow the advice.

 

It may require you getting the kids out of the country and then filing, but SERIOUSLY, there is ALWAYS a solution. You have mentally painted yourself into a corner and I think that you like it there, that's the masochist portion.

 

You seem afraid of your "wife". I will leave you with this, there are two types of men who have no hope. The first type give up, accept, curl up and barely exist. They don't complain, they just wait for the end. The second type are dangerous. They will do whatever, whenever, and however. They move without fear of the consequences because, they have nothing to lose. Be the second type, except do it in a productive way. Your goal is to keep your kids, you can't do that curled up in a ball waiting for the hammer to come down.

[sandylee1]

Yesterday I asked my wife if she wanted to 'talk' she said what for? I said to fix things, so that we can be happier. She said, " I am happy"

 

You see, my wife has everything she needs, she is perfectly happy with our marriage. She has the maid, the provider the hands on daddy with me and she also has the option of having an affair on the side. So suits her down to the ground, nothing to talk about, no sex for me.

 

Her mother is meek, has no friends and would do nothing. She would know it was me and only get angry and kick me out maybe? She has no other family.

 

 

The old flame sent the present to her friends address. Now this woman is married to a doctor, he is super busy and only comes home like once a week. He has another woman on the side, my wife's friend doesn't work and occasionally has lunch with some old rich guy. My wife told me all this.

 

Now I know my wife has probably been influenced by this woman, I have met her and had cake and tea in her house. My wife once said to me .. " it's better that they have an open relationship instead of fighting at home" but in our case we are not fighting! So, basically having an affair to my wife is no big deal. As long as you keep it outside the family home.

 

 

The future is.. We want our two kids to go to this western all English speaking international school. It's a great school and I want my kids to go there. So does the wife. Our kids are bi-racial and the the older one goes to an English kindergarten and is fluent in eng/Jpn.

I am not a fan of the culture here.. I want my kids to be westernized...I want them to be able to express themselves and they can go to uni abroad or wherever they please.

 

 

In this society ' the nail that sticks up gets hammered down' I never want them to feel ashamed, or awkward or like a novelty about their mixed heritage. I may be painting a bleak picture here, but this country is a very repressed place..look at my situation.. I am not in Kansas anymore. You can't talk about any problem and people keep it all inside.. Her father killed himself and I had to go down the puce station to identify the poor man. And we never knew.. That's just an example.. So both of the kids are baptized and I will get them passports from my country too.. Not that I am especially devout ( although the international school is Christian and baptism counts towards entry) but because I want them to be different.

 

So that's the future here.. Work hard.. Look after the kids and get them into a good school. My wife would be interested in living abroad for a year or two.. Of course I would be happy to get out of here.

 

Our family may stay intact here until the kids reach 16 or an age when I can explain things to them.. The wildcard in the pack is, what if my wife meets some fella and wants to be with him? They are very young, anything can happen.

 

 

You never know what the future holds, so if I were you I'd keep evidence of her infidelity, pregnancy etc. These emails from her old flame. You may well need them in the future to show your children who their mother truly is.

You will need this evidence as she will deny this in the future.

 

She needs you around to pay for their education, so you haven't outlived your usefulness to her. Work out getting out of Japan. I know the law isn't on your side, but you cant be the only one in this situation. If you were a self centered person and she thought you would walk away from the kids, her whole attitude would change pretty quickly. She's using them as a weapon.

 

So she can't afford to pay their school fees on her own? Or manage to look after them alone? If you said you wanted a divorce and shared custody how would she react? You tell her she can keep the house, you'll support the kids, but get her to agree to 50/50 custody and have it be a legal agreement. What options would she really have in this scenario?

 

She wants the best for the kids and I'm hoping she's not that crazy to dump them anywhere out of sheer spite for you.

 

Take care

[sandylee1]

I find your story frustrating. I admit to checking in on it VERY infrequently, but for some reason I can't help it. I catch up and then realize its the same story.

 

I apologize if I seem brusque, but what exactly are you doing? Seriously, you sound like a masochist. You need to get you some expert advice on how to get out of this hell. A good lawyer can show you the way out. Of course, you have to be willing to keep looking and then follow the advice.

 

It may require you getting the kids out of the country and then filing, but SERIOUSLY, there is ALWAYS a solution. You have mentally painted yourself into a corner and I think that you like it there, that's the masochist portion.

 

You seem afraid of your "wife". I will leave you with this, there are two types of men who have no hope. The first type give up, accept, curl up and barely exist. They don't complain, they just wait for the end. The second type are dangerous. They will do whatever, whenever, and however. They move without fear of the consequences because, they have nothing to lose. Be the second type, except do it in a productive way. Your goal is to keep your kids, you can't do that curled up in a ball waiting for the hammer to come down.

 

 

The situation in Japan is well known and many foreign nationals are in a similar position

 

International Family Law Firm

 

If I were there in similar circumstances, I'd be afraid too. The one thing is that for women who are foreign nationals it's much worse. Especially those who have no financial backing.

[HurtHusband]

Right now I am feeling very down...I checked my wife's phone today. I read some of the messages from the old flame. He sent her a gift, a purse and a letter, to her office (friends address) I wonder about does...if he knows she is married why didn't she just say 'my friends address'??? In her mail, she was saying ' oh, I love it, and I just picked it up from work' why?? ( she doesn't work) Is she maybe telling him she is a single working mother?? Minus me, in order to appeal to him? If she is, it is very worrying..maybe she envisions a future with this man?

 

 

She received the gift and was very happy, he asked her 'Are there any other chat programs we can use to chat? And " I wish I could be with you right now"

 

I can't believe it..he has a son and he mentioned that he got him a train set for Christmas. Also he asked about our youngest child ( she was sick )

 

My wife wrote "it was my birthday and I went out for a meal with friends and neighbors" yes and with me!! And I paid! Of course this POS probably knows she is married and doesn't care. Obviously his wife would not exactly be thrilled if I send her images of his text.

 

I am shocked and saddened that my wife is only over one affair and is now becoming emotionally attached to this man. She called him 'sexy' and he thinks she is 'gorgeous'.

 

They are like a pair of teenagers! It makes me sick!! I expect that they will continue messaging back and forth..but what exactly are his or my wife's intentions??

 

 

We want our kids to go to a good private school here..and I still have a role to play. I really just cannot believe it...who the hell is my wife? How can she do this so quickly after the other affair...

 

 

You can see how it's not possible for me to repair my marriage, or be intimate with her..she is thinking about this man and once again I am being rejected and just treated like a servant.

 

This guy is an idiot!! He lives in Florida and is a sergeant. What the hell is he playing at?? I have his name and found his FB profile, his location etc.

 

Our long term plans were to raise our kids here and get them into a good school. I feel threatened by my wife's attachment to this other man...I do not want some other man taking my place and becoming their 'daddy'. I know that might seem like a jump in conclusions...but if not him, maybe so e other guy. Everything the posters here told me is proving to be CORRECT! I should be worried.

[Nawlins]

HurtHusband

Your marriage is over. You know it and so does she. She’s using the legal system where you live to keep in you in check. You have options whether you see them or not. She needs your money, you want to see the kids. You both want what is best for the children so you can make arrangements like the friend you mentioned where both of you get what you want; although if it were me I would take away a few of her luxuries. Make her have her mom move in to help with the kids and be the maid. Why do you continue to afford her all that she wants?

 

I get it that she can keep the kids from you and the legal system does nothing about it, but that same system doesn’t go after you for child support (I believe I have read this in a few articles). If this correct then she knows this as well and would probably be motivated to strike a deal; especially if you throw this currently building affair into the conversation. By the way you should tell the OM’s wife somehow because adultery in the military comes with severe consequences.

 

One more thing, I read an article recently where a woman in your country sued her husband’s mistress for compensation and won. The title of the article is “Judge sets new line for adultery in landmark case and it doesn’t involve intercourse.” If it’s true you could use this knowledge as leverage to negotiate with your wife for a mutually satisfying outcome and/or you could sue the OM and make the whole affair public; something I think your wife would like to avoid.

[HurtHusband]

A civil suit would cost a lot of money and the compensation would be small. Also the OM has no money. This new building affair, I saw a photo of his kids. Apparently he lived here and his kids look half Asian. So he must be married to a J woman. He is being very stupid. What a POS! I found details about his work place etc. They can't physically have an affair right, but of course I resent this man and I could contact his wife and **** up his life.

 

Our marriage is dead, what we are is two caretakers who live together and look after the kids. The problem with negotiating with my wife, is that when I look at the evidence or what usually happens here after separation. It's not pretty.

 

I can't compare my situation to my friends. He is lucky, but most aren't.

If she found a new man with money, she may view me as an interference. It might work for awhile. But I have been with her 12 years. I know she can be very selfish, cold, she doesn't care about my feelings

 

The ball is completely in her court, and if I don't take back that ball or exert some power than I feel that I may just get used. And using the kids as pawns? Again the law here is ridiculous. You sign the divorce paper, you sign away your parental rights..how crazy is that?

 

I appreciate what your saying. But it's just not a level playing field at all. In this country, you can be held for up to 21 days in police custody without charge. Also thee is a 99% conviction rate in Japan! can you believe that?

You see, if I raise my voice or act scare my wife, the thugs in blue might take me down the cop shop to cool off..now many of the police themselves are divorced and have lost their own kids. But there really just giving your ex partner time to move in with her in-laws and secure custody. People think this is a modern country with modern ideals but believe me it's not.

 

She could never live with her mother, they would drive each other mad. She would either have to let me help, or else she'd find some other man.

 

She does have some savings..she also owns the property. I have a lot of her savings in my bank in my home country luckily.

Edited January 9, 2015 by HurtHusband

[Nawlins]

Then what are your choices? Suck it up and live with the current situation? Find a mistress for yourself? Wait until you move to another country? Or file for divorce and hope she’s willing to negotiate money for time with kids?

 

It doesn't sound much like living, just surviving.

[aliveagain]

Please, no more excuses, expose her. Send copies of emails to other mans wife see how fast he dumps your wife. At some point you are going to say, enough is enough and walk from this circus that is now your life. This will always be your life because your wife has you where she wants you, providing for her and your children while she looks for your replacement. Your afraid to divorce because of her threat of taking your children away, she on the other hand is doing her best to find another man to replace you and take your children away anyway. In the one scenario your in control and get some of your integrity back, in the other your a victim and thrown aside when the right man(married or single) comes along. In both scenarios according to her you loose your children, it's still only a matter of time.

 

I would rather be in control of my destiny than be sitting around terrified and just waiting for the axe to fall. Go talk to a lawyer.

[HurtHusband]

Look fellas, I know you might find it hard to believe. But, lawyers here won't do ****. They only specialize in appeasement. There is a reason there are very few divorce lawyers here, separation is viewed as a 'civil matter' the gov. Or law does not want to be involved. Court appointed mediators make horrible unenforceable recommendations ( how about seeing the kids four times a year on a supervised setting? ) you do not want to involve lawyers.

 

My wife is the judge and jury, so if you seperate you have to spin it and make it look like a good idea, everyone's happy....in this country, court mediators will look at you and think (what the hell is wrong with you, they still have their mother and you can find a new gf! ) that's the attitude. Another way is you move to the other end of the country with the kids, enroll them in a new school and shack up with a new woman. This is legal and how many custody disputes are settled here ( domestic kidnaping is legal in japan ) of your own kids that is. I have heard one or two foreigners have maybe done this, I am not sure. I know your probably thinking ' abduct your own kids and get rewarded with custody?wtf? Exactly wtf! But forget logic here folks and forget your western version of law etc. this is not Kansas.

 

 

So my options are to suck it up, and separate/divorce outside this country. Which is what I plan to do. In the meantime keep her sweet and keep plotting in the background.

 

 

 

This old flame is a soccer coach, and I found his pic, and he teaches at a school.

I am not going to bust him yet, just monitor her phone and see how this progresses. With a job/two kids and living in Florida. He is obviously tied down there. But still,what a fool! Why can't he mess around with a single woman? I will never understand married men with kids who mess around with other men's wife's wife's who also have kids. Do they have any morales, do they not see how two families can be destroyed?? The only good thing is he is far away, if she was getting attached to a local man than it would be worse and I would feel under more pressure to act. However the sooner the better. This can't go on.

 

I could phone his workplace, pretend to be an old buddy and try to get his home number. Or else just hire a P.I. To trail him, than hand his wife a phone and than I can talk to her.

 

 

Yes I am tired of being a victim!! I had to google the term 'gaslighting'

 

In the past I often wondered why my wife couldn't kiss me on the lips or even look me in the eye.. And she would be snappy for no reason. It all makes sense now of course.

Edited January 10, 2015 by HurtHusband

[DKT3]

Your wife should mean about as much to you as the end table or lamp in your home. Just something that is there. Go live your life since you've done absolutely nothing to change your situation. If your hungry say FU to her and go eat, if your horny say FU to her and go get laid.

 

Stop being a needy doormat that continues to allow this woman to hurt you.

[HurtHusband]

I am starting to feel that way..when I read the texts it's like she is another person.. I don't have to put up with this and mentally I can't..reading her texts, I turned to jelly.. I felt sick.. I was physically shaking..

 

 

.i just thought to myself yesterday.. If I never had to see this woman again for the rest of my life, it would not bother me..

Edited January 10, 2015 by HurtHusband

[Steen719]

Can you move to the U.S. with her? Entice her by saying you want to move to Florida and then you will be living in the U.S. where child abduction is not legal. I know this is extreme, but really, maybe if she is so besotted, she might do it if you make her think you are excited for your new life together in Florida. Bust her here.

 

I guess this sounds crazy when I think about it, but it's an idea.

[sandylee1]

I don't know why you seem surprised by her actions. She's shown you time and time again who she really is. A cold hearted female dog. Don't let ANYTHING she does amaze you.

 

 

You know the way people say you need to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it? In your case you need to be prepared to loose your children to remain in their lives while maintaining some dignity. She could rip them away when you least expect it, or you can try negotiate. Besides everything else? Is she a good mom? Would your children be safe with her?

 

 

That's the one (or two) things she holds over you, so you have to decide. Will you sit around, continue to take this and possibly loose your sanity or try and work out a deal with her. She doesn't want you as a husband, so why not co- parent in separate homes and she can have all the other men she wants.

 

If you separate, you'd still pay the kids school fees and support them so why wouldn't she go for that? Is it the image of being married she wants?

 

Tell her you can remain friends (even though you can't stand her) and both do your best by the kids. I totally understand you don't want to loose your kids, but maybe once she sees you're not into staying married to her and if she saw you were prepared to walk, she'd think again. Is your W really going to want to be a single parent?

 

 

Let me tell you if as a kid I knew my dad was being dealt with such crap by my mom, I wouldn't blame him for walking out. Your dignity will be so destroyed if you can't detach from this woman and truly say you don't give a hoot about what she does. Either that or it could all end tragically.

 

Keep all the information of her infidelity for future evidence. It may help you gain leverage at some point, you just never know.

 

When your girls get older and decide they want nothing to do with her, she'll end up a lonely shrivelled up old woman. So whatever stories she may tell them about you, you can prove otherwise.

 

Get yourself involved in activities, show her you don't need her to be happy. Invest time in YOU. Go out, do other activities for entertainment without her. Try and operate as if she doesn't exist.

 

 

At the end of the day, only YOU know how much of this you can take.