Fearful Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 OP, your friend was lucky in his divorce because he is in control of his life. You can't even take control of your life. Belief me, if you divorce her now, you will not loose your kid as a consequent but if you wait for her to get your replacement, she will not only kick you out of her life but will also kick you out of your kids life. You have been on this forum for months, advices and suggestions have being mad to you, what have you done with it? Have you DNA Test the kids, the new OM asked about your last child, can you consider the probability of him being her biological dad? Have you expose her affair? Do you only fear loosing your kids or you also fear loosing your wife to other men as a result of which you are contented with staying married to her even though you are not happy in the marriage Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Just wanted to see how you're doing. A thought crossed my mind after reading something today. I hope this doesn't offend you in any way, but do SERIOUSLY consider making a will like yesterday that doesn't leave your W anything. She doesn't deserve it. Leave it to your kids when they are older. Have your brother or someone else you trust be executor for the will. Have a copy with an attorney in Japan and in your home country with an attorney. You need to fully protect yourself. I don't think even you know what she is capable of. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Fearful, I understand completely what you are saying. Walking away might bring her to her senses. My friend is lucky, BUT I personally know a dozen men who have not seen their kids for years or have very little contact. These guys are not drunken wife beaters, but employed, reasonable people who happened to get divorced or separated here and are dealing with a vindictive, selfish, ex partner....now nothing they say or do.. Seems to matter...their ex just blocks them out. And no one can help them. Here is my plan.. We will go home for the summer. And my kids will play with their cousins and can go to summer school etc. if I have a timeline, I think I can endure it until then. Once back in my home country we can talk. I would prefer either.. 1. I get full custody and let her see the kids every day 2. We get shared custody. Both of these options are impossible in this country. If we separate here, in the ideal scenario, I would get an apartment near the international school and could be there for the kids when they finish school and we could have alternative weekends and the kids could go back to my country during summer/spring or winter vacation to see their in-laws. That would be the perfect solution. We are both in their lives and looking out for their best interests. However, I don't know of anyone who is in a good situation post divorce, ( apart from my friend) my wife's a little flirty, likes clothes and attention. I reckon should would want another man. She may change her mind about our shared custody arrangements, become vindictive, snap at me..etc. again there are no laws here for visitation. She would have complete control and I feel like I would be taking a big risk. So, I continue to play the doormat and be her lap dog. I can busy myself with work. In the meantime I can also get passports for the kids from my home country, get an international drivers license, talk to more lawyers and gather information. In her sock drawer, I found the purse that the old flame in Florida sent her ( Kate spade) and the letter. He said " I am so happy we are in touch again and it always makes me happy to hear from you and I look forward to spending time with you again" signed..yuk!!! What's a bastard and I can see pictures of his young kids on FB. I also found a vibrator..sigh...I thought about winding the cord a certain way to see if she uses it..with two kids, she doesn't have the time to use it. Maybe she used it with the previous lover. Surprising really. Who the hell is she? I mean really..who is this woman? Is this really my wife? also found a blank cd with a heart and an arrow through it drawn on the front..the back is the inlay which appears to be classical or opera..I have not listened to it yet..but it's a strange place to put a CD. Maybe they were listening to opera while they were screwing.. If I'm staying till summer. I will lay off the snooping. I have seen enough. It's just painful and it really upsets me. I just have to remember that she is a selfish whore, she is not a good person and I am just biding my time. Today we went to an open day for the international school with some other parents/kids from the daughters school. It's a really nice school, with a Christian ethos. The irony of the Christian connection is not lost on me. My wife even wants to bet baptized eventually. But does she ever consider her own behavior? A will: That's a good idea, my money is in my home country. I should list my daughters as my dependents. I do not feel in danger. The worst thing I could do is get angry and fight/threaten my wife. If the police are called, things could get bad. So I just have to avoid any kind sort of conflict. At the school today, sitting in the canteen surrounding my all these Asian, half Asian and white kids chatting away and eating their lunch. I thought, of course, I want my kids to go here, but my wife's behavior puts all of this at risk..the future is uncertain...how can I protect my kids, their relationship with me..and also deal with my stupid wife. Edited January 12, 2015 by HurtHusband Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I am going to need to buy a DNA test kit. I know people here suggested it weeks ago. But at the time it sounded abit crazy, I mean they must be my kids, right? Yesterday we were talking about going home for the summer so the kids could do summer camp and play with their cousins, it wod be cheaper than here,-and cooler weather and more space etc. Anyway today my wife suggested me going home in April with the elder child and putting her in public school and than coming back in September. The private kinder here is expensive, but this suggestion surprised me! She said she would stay here with the younger child. Hats 6 months! I said would you come over in the summer and she said ..eh yeah... The elder child is going on 5.. Of course it would be a great experience for her. But I am suspicious of my wife. Also it seems like a long time, I can understand sometimes people would want a break from child care, but if she really wants to just get rid of me for awhile so she can have her fun, than that's disappointing. Anyway I should get the DNA done first, that suggestion just did not register with me before. I mean if only one of the kids is mine, it would be horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 OP, my prayer is with you. May God see you through this difficult moment of your life. As time goes on, you will uncover more and more shocking things about your wife. She knows you more than you do know her. She may even be aware of your plans. She is probably letting you go with your older daughter because she knows the younger one was never yours. She may be meeting with the Florida OM when you are away. Irrespective of the outcome of the DNA, try as much as possible to move far away from this woman. Get your life back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I need to think about the end game. Also I need to think about what will happen if one of the kids is not mine.. I love both of them, that won't change, but it won't be easy if I find out one of them is not mine. We are going on holiday Friday. I want to relax and enjoy the time with the kids. I know what my wife is, another email rom some guy won't change that. I hope whatever happens that the outcome will be good, that I will be in my kids lives. And I suppose far off in the future, how will my two daughters feel about their mothers actions? They will grow up and realise what sort of person their mother is.. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I would do the DNA as soon as possible then weigh my options. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nawlins Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I am going to need to buy a DNA test kit. I know people here suggested it weeks ago. But at the time it sounded abit crazy, I mean they must be my kids, right? Yesterday we were talking about going home for the summer so the kids could do summer camp and play with their cousins, it wod be cheaper than here,-and cooler weather and more space etc. Anyway today my wife suggested me going home in April with the elder child and putting her in public school and than coming back in September. The private kinder here is expensive, but this suggestion surprised me! She said she would stay here with the younger child. Hats 6 months! I said would you come over in the summer and she said ..eh yeah... The elder child is going on 5.. Of course it would be a great experience for her. But I am suspicious of my wife. Also it seems like a long time, I can understand sometimes people would want a break from child care, but if she really wants to just get rid of me for awhile so she can have her fun, than that's disappointing. Anyway I should get the DNA done first, that suggestion just did not register with me before. I mean if only one of the kids is mine, it would be horrible. OP, something’s not right with the suggestion your wife made. Perhaps you need to do some research of the implications of being away for six months. Could she divorce you and claim abandonment? Does she seem to care about the older daughter? I hate to say this, but given how your wife behaves, perhaps the younger daughter is not yours and therefore when she gave up on you she gave up on the older daughter. I don’t know any mother who would want their young child to leave their side for six months. Can you re-establish residency in your home country while away in case she makes a move for divorce; perhaps getting your home country and court system on your side? If the younger daughter is not yours would that weigh in your favor for a divorce in the country you are currently living in? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Something is really off here. Her suggestion has an ulterior motive. I know you love your children, but honestly if the youngest isn't yours, you need to know. So what about your job? How do you leave that for 6 months? Maybe she plans on having another man over and the eldest would be on to her. You never answered my question about whether she was a good mom? Check her emails in case she's contacting people about her plans. Cover your own tracks. She definitely has something up her sleeve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I checked my wife's email.. She went out and left her phone here. After the summer she got back in touch with him after so many years. So less than one month after her affair/ abortion she initiated contact.. "Do you still remember me? Now he had a great time doing the touristy stuff all those years ago. She showed him around and the kissed and were intimate. They exchange more mails, wife says is it possible for to you come back to japan for a work trip? ( he put an application in to come back ) he is a seargeant, yes a PO of some sort. He mentioned going to a conference in SF. The tone of the mails get more flirtier, she says she is thinking about him, really wants to see him, wants to show him around etc. she will even book a place for him.. How nice. She did a sexy Santa hat synchronized dance on stage with the other mothers.. She sent him a photo.. She wants to do the dance for him wink! Wink! She says the first time she ever saw him at the restaurant was 'sensational' and when we got back in touch it was like "yeah!! " Am I crazy? She asks? He says no, he is thinking of her even more now and the wonderful times ahead. So, he is married. I have his name and photos of the emails ( will upload to private hosting ) he has two boys. Neither of them mention their partners. My wife mentions my kids school, Halloween party, enjoys being a mother etc. To awnser your question, she is a good mother, she loves the kids. They are well looked after. However it is now very clear that she wants me out of the way for when this guy visits. So she is putting her fun and affair before the kids or me.. So when I think of that..I think she is irresponsible selfish and not a good mother and obviously a terrible wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 The eldest would be on to her and would notice, she is almost 5 and is clever and speaks good English. Her mother lives nearby and usually comes over in the evening to help out while i am at work. So that's her motive.. I really can't believe my wife. I mean j look like the other guy,, tall slim white make. It seems like infatuation, that thee is something wrong with her. I could provide all the romance and affection she needs but she rejects it from me and instead is living in a fantasy world. I can take time off work, I work 2 p/t jobs. I won't get paid but I will have a job to come back to. Back home, through family etc. I could get done p/t work and live wit my dad or somewhere else. The eldest can go to public school or similar. I think my wife is a dishonest person, I can't make her happy and this is how she wants to live her life. I don't think I am surprised anymore, just sad and disappointed. I am sort of relieved that he lives far away and that they can't meet yet, I really don't see how they could have a future because he has kids and a promising career. I am not a particularly vengeful person, but I wonder how does a married man like him with kids behave like this and not think of the potential consequences or how I feel?? He is playing with fire and has a lot to lose. Now thinking of vengeful machinations does not help me one bit.....but I do wish that karma will take care of him... On a side note..the affair partner who impregnated her, my so called buddy. I checked my old hotmail and over a yr ago before anything happened he sent me a link with photos of his wife posing nude in a very raw uncensored way gaping holes.. You get the idea. It's not pretty, around about this time I started to have some doubts about my friend. A lesson learnt now. However the link-albums are still there unknown to his wife. Now she is very emotional to say the least.. Maybe someday she'd like to see her pics and share them with her family? It's the least I could do.... Again that won't help me either... So now I have to buy a DNA kit...is it ok if j live outside the US and do I need two kits? My friend at work will help me order it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 she is a good mother. She is not a good mother. She is a liar. She is someone that will willing put her own selfish needs above her children. She is willing to put you and your kids in harms way. There is nothing good about any of these things. Sorry I just hate when people think cheaters are good parents. Its like saying a killer would be a great father. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 You are right clay!! Putting her needs before the kids. It's not good enough. The soccer coach fella was just a random fb connection, their names are similar so I thought they were the same. The old flame is a PO and lives in the mid west. I googled him. Now I wonder is there a way I can play along with her scheme and possibly be back in my home country with both of the kids when he visits. Than when he arrives here, I will let his wife and superiors know. Imagine that!! He arrives here all excited about boning my wife when suddenly he gets a call from his wife telling him she's divorcing him. That might really put a damper on his sightseeing plans...you could lose your appetite for adultery. For a man who lectures in criminology, he seems very reckless. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 she is a good mother. I was going to say the same thing that Clay said. She is not a good role model for the children because there will be a day when they are older and will learn of their mother's infidelities. What will they think? Start saving money now for the years of therapy that may be needed to help them through it... Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Sorry friend but a good mother doesn't go out and get impregnated by other men, good mothers don't cheat on the father of her children. Good mothers don't lie and cheat and put their selfish needs over the needs of her children, her family, I don't agree with your statement. Your wife is one of the most selfish and scheming women written about on this site. You need to do everything in your power to protect your children. I see a lot of men in your wife's future, I just hope your rid of her cheating a$$ before that happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Oh Jesus Christ... Ok in her sock drawer I found two old letters from 2009. They had a holiday romance here and went to Disney land. He felt 'alive' and full of passion blah blah blah.. He was really smitten by her 'sneaking kisses , eating out, going dancing etc. Now in a follow up letter he said he was coming back here for work in July 12-27th 2009. Our eldest was born in March 2010. What do you think of that? Asian women I think have a shorter pregnancy cycle. It's possible that the 2 nd child could be mine? Not the first? They are both fair with freckles but the 2 nd child is very white with fairer light brown hair closer to mine... This is quite disturbing for me.. I am becoming upset and I can't comprehend this... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 This is an emergency... I need DNA results fast. On Friday we are going to another country in Asia. I need to fedex swaps to a hospital there. We will be there for 5 days. I need to know about this and get the results. I may not come back here but instead stay there with the kids. Or move to a neighboring country. If the first child is not my biological child that I have honestly been conned and this is downright criminal and distasteful. Who could blame me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 ** I phoned a hospital asking about DNA paternity tests. They don't sell the kit here in this country. They don't do the test at the hospital either. She mentioned a court! As in when you sue someone. I would like to know soon. I could find out if a clinic in the country we are visiting can get me the result. I found forms from the abortion clinic address/ doctors name etc. from sep. 2014 I photocopied these documents + the letters from 2009. I will copy / post all these documents to my fathers address back home. I realise now looking at the dates that he suggested,it is exactly 9 months before my daughter was born. So my family, her parents, me.. Look at all the people here who were possibly lied to.. And especially me...what a ****ed up mess this is becoming. I think maybe she knows but he does'nt? 4 and a half years and I was there to hold her when she was born, I cradled her, fed her, changed nappies, took her outside every morning for the first6 months cause she was cranky in the mornings, loved her, taught her English, baptized her in my home country, raised her, paid for her schooling, test or no test she is my daughter and I love her and I will go to the ends of the earth to get away from her mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 OP, You just have to be strong. Get the DNA done ASAP, Just find a way to convince her to get the 2 kids to your home country and divorce her there. If however the two kids are not biologically yours, divorce her in Japan and move out of that country. It is going be difficult to detach from the kids but you just have to do it for your own safety. If only one of the kids is biologically yours, after putting them secure in your home country, come back to Japan and divorce her. You can return the one that isnt yours if you deem it fit. But get the DNA done first Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 If the elder child is not mine, I still want both of them to be secure or with me or eventually under my custody. I just think my life is turning into a freak show and I can't leave the kids with her. I don't want to tell a 5 year old girl that I am not her daddy.. **** that!! The girls belong together and they deserve a normal happy life. I will make sure that happens. She can see them once everything is clear, everyone knows. Anyway with experience with a DNA kit let me or post some advice.... Can anyone recommend a free hosting site..similar to flickr.. Tried that one could not upload... Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You married a monster. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Can anyone recommend a free hosting site..similar to flickr.. Tried that one could not upload... Photobucket Our thoughts and support are with you HH. I can't imagine the world of hurt you are going through and I commend you for wanting to keep the children together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thank you! Uploaded all the photo evidence of texts. Letters etc. copied and posted home. Will phone a clinic tomorrow about the test but leaving fri. Night to go abroad on holiday. Maybe I can phone them and get the results or use a clinic in the country we are visiting. Will wait for test results. but I am preparing myself for the worst. We were together 12 yrs. at that time our friends were marrying and having kids and we had talked about kids. But I distinctly remember we decided to have a baby, but it was all rushed because of her period and fertile dates, and of course after she got pregnant we never had any more sex. So I have a bad feeling, she pinned it on me, as he flew back home and we were living together. Are there threads in here about this..I don't really know how to deal with it. It's not something I imagined or thought possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I don't know about the country you are in but most police stations here have children swab kits they give out. This is designed to help them locate and identify children in the event they become missing. They are free. The swab is one that is used for DNA. You can get that and follow the direction and then send it off to a lab when you have time to have your child tested. I hope this helps. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 You can email any large drugstore chain in the country you are about to visit and inquire about the availability of the kits, most large drugstores carry them. In the UK you can contact International Biosciences, email [email protected] they also have a contact number that pharmacies can call to order their test kits. I raised my ex's affair child for his first year of life before I discovered through DNA testing that he was not mine. It is a double whammy because you not only loose your spouse but you also loose your child. If the children are not yours, divorce her in Japan, you will come out better financially than you would in the UK. I think she knows the truth, just as my ex already knew she was pregnant when she slept with me. Sorry for your pain but I think you are being used only as a meal ticket, you need to get out of this, talk to a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
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