Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[HurtHusband]

Later we have breakfast at a place nearby. She is friendly with some of the mothers at our daughters school. She tells me about one mother who she is friends with.. This woman's husband works in a hospital and he has 2 jobs and he only comes home for afew hrs every Friday..yes that's right, he comes back once a week. The husband is younger and he also has a girl on the side. She said her friend doesn't seem to mind this arrangement because when he does come home, they get stressed out and sometimes fight..they have two young kids. It's all about keeping up appearances, keeping the mask on.

 

Her friend has some older male friends who take her out now and than ( she said no sex just dining, yeah right! )

 

I try to gauge my wife's thoughts on all of this, she feels sorry for her friend but she accepts the way it is, and does not consider it such a big deal. She says the kids are young and won't notice. I feel that my wife may very well of been influenced by her friend or some of the other mothers as they have lunch together occasionally. I am crushed that my wife has so little regard for OUR marriage and that she considers this sort of behavior acceptable or normal.

 

As I mentioned previously, she has told me to look elsewhere if I am looking for sex and she won't be angry.. I don't think I can adjust to that kind of relationship because it's not what I envisioned my marriage to be, after so many yrs of believing I was in a monogamous relationship ( although with a lack of intimacy) the narrative has suddenly changed, this throws up all sorts of worries about the future, how can you have such a cavalier attitude towards your marriage?

 

Anyway I don't want to see other women, that would feel hollow,I think it's a cop out on her part, is their not a basic understanding when you marry that you should try to stay faithful and fix your problems together? Is that not the assumption people marry under, vows or no vows? Or am I being totally unrealistic.

 

Am I asking too much? This cannot be the new normal. Otherwise what's the fricken point...

Edited September 30, 2014 by HurtHusband

[Radu]

HH, are you a western gaijin ?

 

I don't think you have any other option than to continue playing the game you have to play [as Ruby Slippers pointed out].

 

To others, she won't get a job at all ... in Japan a woman with a child that has anything beyond part time, is essentially frowned upon by other women as a 'bad mother'.

How you look to others is very important, and in the household, the woman rules over there.

 

I don't know if you mentioned this, but does the child have your name or her name ?

[HurtHusband]

Radu sounds like you have spent some time here, you know how it is..

 

My kids have her name. Over here it's based on a family registry system. I always resented the fact she used her family name. She said if we lived abroad we could use mine and that it's a hassle to change the registry system here.. That may be so. But I do have friends here, older than me, with grown up kids who use their western family name. Also our kids go to English schools. I wrote my family name on my kids school book, and I tell her this is your name..

 

I mean in the majority of cases the women take the mans name, and to me I felt abit hurt and snubbed that she won't take mine.. Not even on FB..Or for non official stuff..foreign surnames are more common these days and we live in the big city...

 

She does not have any objection to me securing passports from my country for our kids, also our kids were baptized and they have middle names which would be shown on my countries passports.

Edited September 30, 2014 by HurtHusband

[LastAcorn99]

@HurtHusband - So sorry to read about the trouble in your marriage. I can understand how it feels when you feel like you are the only one keeping the relationship going with little, or no support from your spouse. You are to be commended for your commitment to your family. I can somehow sense that you still care for you wife, despite everything -- i feel that speaks alot about you. I hope you don't give up on your marriage, friend. You have my prayers!

[HurtHusband]

thank you, lastacorn99. I never gave up on our marriage, but i think my wife has. I mean we are still together, but you cant really call it `marriage`

[HurtHusband]

My wife is watching a DVD in her room, I open the door and enter to talk to her. She is holding her phone, than she closes whatever she was looking at and try's to make it look natural.i know she likes looking at clothes sites etc. of course because of what happened I am suspicious compared to before, but if I ask her she does'nt like it.., I say watcha looking at...the reply is just ' nothing, you do the same don't you..' There is a four digit pin you key in to look at the iPhone, I don't know the pin. I tried her birthday etc.

 

I am feeling so depressed..I ask her does she want to watch the movie together ( no she says, she's tired from minding the kids and wants to relax alone ) I ask her did she miss me ( 'yes' she says..I suppose that ones a lie )

 

I feel very lonely, isolated and depressed...this is very hard...

 

I really need to stop giving a ****....it's hard to do, but I have to...

Edited September 30, 2014 by HurtHusband

[nightmare01]

My wife is watching a DVD in her room, I open the door and enter to talk to her. She is holding her phone, than she closes whatever she was looking at and try's to make it look natural.i know she likes looking at clothes sites etc. of course because of what happened I am suspicious compared to before, but if I ask her she does'nt like it.., I say watcha looking at...the reply is just ' nothing, you do the same don't you..' There is a four digit pin you key in to look at the iPhone, I don't know the pin. I tried her birthday etc.

 

I am feeling so depressed..I ask her does she want to watch the movie together ( no she says, she's tired from minding the kids and wants to relax alone ) I ask her did she miss me ( 'yes' she says..I suppose that ones a lie )

 

I feel very lonely, isolated and depressed...this is very hard...

 

I really need to stop giving a ****....it's hard to do, but I have to...

 

I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. It's hard - like many others here, I know how difficult this is through direct experience.

 

What we have to go through is similar to what WS go through when they end their affair. They go NC, and that's exactly what you should do IMO.

 

You are turning toward your WW and trying to show you don't care, but by turning toward her you are showing you do care. The trick is to disengage. Only communicate with her about the kids and finances.

 

By the sound of it she is still in contact with her OM. By disengaging with her you force her to turn to OM to meet all her needs. Right now you are meeting some of her needs and OM is meeting other needs. Kick the leg out from under her, and she will have to rely 100% on OM. Usually that sours the relationship with the OM. But really that isn't your goal.

 

Your goal is to break away from her and stop propping her up. Stand on your own and get on with your own life without her.

 

She may see this as you showing strength, and that might draw her back to you - but don't count on it, and really don't even use that as a reason for your disengagement.

 

Disengage for your own mental and physical health.

 

Exercise, go to the gym, start a new hobby, and go out after work with friends if you can. Hand around with your friends, and don't wait around for a handout from your WW like some sick puppy. Do your own thing and move on.

 

I think you'll be the better for it.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I try to gauge my wife's thoughts on all of this, she feels sorry for her friend but she accepts the way it is, and does not consider it such a big deal. She says the kids are young and won't notice. I feel that my wife may very well of been influenced by her friend or some of the other mothers as they have lunch together occasionally. I am crushed that my wife has so little regard for OUR marriage and that she considers this sort of behavior acceptable or normal.

A woman's peer group is very influential. If you have a group of four close friends, for example, and two of them divorce their spouses, I'd say there's a high chance one or both of the others will wind up divorcing their spouses, too.

 

It sucks, but I have seen it a dozen times.

[SawtoothMars]

Merrmeade- I knew things were not 100% great with our marriage, there was no sex, we would snuggle up and kiss and I would have to relieve myself. I was patient after the birth of our 2nd child. She didn't want penetrative sex, I suppose she knew I needed some relief. But she has said things like its normal NOT to have any sex anymore after kids, and that most couples are like this.

I know for a fact my own parents enjoyed sex well into their 60's.... I know people have different libidos, but to just shut me out completely without sex forever ( unless it's for having a child) that's just unreasonable, I have put up with too much, been too naive,

 

Your wife is basically holding up a giant neon sign that says "I don't love you".

 

It's pretty clear that she is still interested in sex... just not sex with you! You can't fix that. You have two choices. You can hang on and waste your life hoping she changes her mind, or kick her out and find a woman that actually cares about you.

[SawtoothMars]

My wife is watching a DVD in her room, I open the door and enter to talk to her. She is holding her phone, than she closes whatever she was looking at and try's to make it look natural.i know she likes looking at clothes sites etc. of course because of what happened I am suspicious compared to before, but if I ask her she does'nt like it.., I say watcha looking at...the reply is just ' nothing, you do the same don't you..' There is a four digit pin you key in to look at the iPhone, I don't know the pin. I tried her birthday etc.

I am feeling so depressed..I ask her does she want to watch the movie together ( no she says, she's tired from minding the kids and wants to relax alone ) I ask her did she miss me ( 'yes' she says..I suppose that ones a lie )

I feel very lonely, isolated and depressed...this is very hard...

I really need to stop giving a ****....it's hard to do, but I have to...

 

Look, you tell her that she give you the pin immediately or else she can pack her crap and leave right now!

 

If you continue to act like a doormat and a wuss... your wife will continue to walk all over you. She can't love a man that she can't respect... and you are so weak acting that I understand her.

 

I don't intend to be mean here... I just would like to see you stop being a doormat.

[No Limit]

If you don't want to divorce and cut her off, then take her up on her offer of an open marriage and find someone who loves you despite some contract. Especially women who have already gone through divorce may not want another marriage, and if you are honest with her you might find yourself a GF that loves you in no time.

 

 

You already know that what you're living in is no marriage. Why would a roommate ever keep you from dating?

[HurtHusband]

 

If you continue to act like a doormat and a wuss... your wife will continue to walk all over you. She can't love a man that she can't respect.

 

Thank you all for your replies...I completely agree with what your saying, it's not nice putting up with this sort of behavior. But the truth is I am biding my time and resisting the urge to stand up to her. I will make my move, but it will be when I'm ready and in a position to exert power and call the shots... I will not do anything now and jeopardize the situation and make my situation worse..

So I will continue playing the doormat role, and let her think I'm an emasculated fool...( not hard as I've had years of practice...although now I know the truth and hate her it's different )

 

Yes I am starved of intimacy and the thought of another woman is tempting, but I won't do that either for now...also long term I don't want to have that sort of relationship where we both see other people..call me old-fashioned but I never doubted my wife and always believed she was faithful until all this **** happened..it's weird, I just remembered a Saturday 2 months ago where I was minding the two kids for the afternoon and We were in ikea..she was supposedly going to the hair salon. It's at the area where she claimed to meet the OM for their love trysts...now when I think back, that was probably one of the days they met...makes me sick to think about it....

 

marriage is a contract and she broke it..I would like custody of our kids, and sorry if that sounds selfish. There will be consequences for what she's done...she will have to live with that forever, it will be a very severe lesson for her, but life is not fair..and when you screw people and purposely destroy your marriage than your asking for trouble and you shouldn't expect your partner to accept it.

[Spectre]

Thank you all for your replies...I completely agree with what your saying, it's not nice putting up with this sort of behavior. But the truth is I am biding my time and resisting the urge to stand up to her. I will make my move, but it will be when I'm ready and in a position to exert power and call the shots... I will not do anything now and jeopardize the situation and make my situation worse..

 

But what are you biding your time for? What more do you need at this point? She was obviously doing something wrong on her phone and her refusal to give you the pin says a lot. By you biding your time you just give her more and more chances for deceit, which might be tempting if you weren't sure if she had betrayed you yet, but you already know she did, so at this point why wait? I just say this because you have kids and every second you waste not taking care of this will just make it harder on them.

 

marriage is a contract and she broke it..I would like custody of our kids, and sorry if that sounds selfish. There will be consequences for what she's done...she will have to live with that forever, it will be a very severe lesson for her, but life is not fair..and when you screw people and purposely destroy your marriage than your asking for trouble and you shouldn't expect your partner to accept it.

 

I don't feel you saying you want custody of your kids is selfish. Some people will disagree, but make no mistake: she betrayed not only you, but your children as well. If she could not stop herself for cheating out of respect for her husband then she could of at least done so out of respect for her children, but nope. So, she screws you over..why should you have to see your kids 50% less now or something like that? All because she wanted her cake and to eat it too?

 

Then she has the nerve to tell you things like "leave me alone I need to relax". Well gee, by all means! Of course her relaxation is what needs to be focused on. I would of said: guess what, you did enough relaxing with other men, your time for relaxation is over. Then I would of told her to give me the pin number to the phone or she gets booted out.

[SawtoothMars]

marriage is a contract and she broke it..I would like custody of our kids, and sorry if that sounds selfish. There will be consequences for what she's done...she will have to live with that forever, it will be a very severe lesson for her, but life is not fair..and when you screw people and purposely destroy your marriage than your asking for trouble and you shouldn't expect your partner to accept it.

 

I'm so sorry you have to suffer this. I say that as a man who was once in your exact position. I stood up to everybody else but let my wife push me around. When I figured out she was cheating, I thought I would bide my time and then stand up to her. That decision caused more emotional turmoil and pain than learning about the affair. Once I finally drew a line in the sand and stood up to her she suddenly ditched the other guy and wanted me in a way that bordered on hysterical.

 

Waiting won't help you get custody. Just start standing up to her now.

 

I've have always thought that if I ever got into this situation again... I would draft up divorce papers giving 100% of everything + custody to me and tell her to sign it and I will give her a second chance. Honestly, if she doesn't trust me enough to sign that... it wouldn't be worth spending 10 more minutes with her.

[bigman1]

Hurt,

 

I have read your posts and I gotta say, STOP. You are not biding your time for anything. It is time to act. The first step to getting on the right track is being honest with yourself.

 

If you are scared to act, say it. Don't come up with some phony, "I've got this great plan that will just be awesome, some day when I might do it." Once you own your fear and are honest with yourself, you can start listing your fears and then start taking them out.

 

In a fight, the guy who waits for an opening gets his azz beat. Its the guy who throws punches that wins. She's throwing punches, kicks, knees, elbows, etc., and you are saying, "I'm waiting", you are getting beat. Remember this, Ready, Fire, Aim. Actions win. Good luck.

[A.Moscote]

Take your time properly and be tactful while you are planning for your action HH. Keep on being strong and patient, hopefully you'll be less hurt and despair with each day, and getting more composed and positive instead.

 

I hope you can still scrap whatever joy left in your relationship and interactions with your wife while at the same time detaching your emotions and investing your happiness away from her.

 

It is your choice to appear as a doormat or emasculated, but be careful and protect yourself too not to let her bully you. Personally, I would opt to appear more firm and demanding, voicing out a lot of disappointment in her towards her, since she has been blatantly inconsiderate and not warm at all.

 

Hmm..I wonder how would she react if somehow you mention it to her that you want to pursue a relationship with another woman, or that you are now seeing someone. As you said before, she did mention something like that.

 

Anyway please always take a good care of your physical and mental health, this is going to be a long and arduous journey. Look after of your family as best as you can too. Take care, be optimist and good luck.

 

P.s. Never thought such a modern country can have a chaotic family law and custodial situation like that. Scary.

[Fearful]

OP, I realy understand the situation you are facing. It is good that you are trying to take action with the best interest of your children in mind. Your cheating wife does not only have Zero love for you but also have deep rooted hatered for you. Your own life is in danger. In the society you found your self, any thing goes. She can get away with murdering you since you don't have any body their beside her. You have to be a life to be their for your children. Your have a plan but know that she is also planning and might even be aware of your plan. Act now for time is against you. She is still in contact with the OM and she is likely going to be impregnated by him again and I can assure you, she isn't going to be going for abortion the second time. If you don't divorce her, she is going to divorce you and all your fears will come to pass. Worst, she is not going give in to your plan as you have never been assertive in your dealings with her. She own you not the other way round. So, how are you going to convince your master to move to Europe or US With you? She knows fully well that slavery is not allow in these places and will never be willing to set you(her slave boy) free at no term. As you already know, to some extant, she depend on you financially and that is never going change drastically even in the state immediately after divorce. She is never going move to the state or Europe with you so your best bet is to divorce her in Japan and provide her with regular financial aid to meet her high shopping expenses. In exchange, she allow you access to your kids, just a form of trade-by-barter. However, even this trading can only succeed when you stand up to her, stop being her doormat and play like a master not as kid. Your find your self in this mess not only due to Japanese bad marital law but mainly due to your weakness. You are just being too nice for her liking and if you continue being too weak, passive, spineless and loosing yourself completely in love, women will continue to treat you very badly irrespective of where you live because women in Asia, Europe, Australia and even Africa and world over have much similar traits in terms of their relationship with men than dissimilars. So, if you don't change, this scenario will repeat it self again even with another person. I wish you the very best that life can offer. Stay strong!

[bigman1]

big news story today of exw who took kid to Mexico. Think about action now. You can probably use that to get some protections.

[oldshirt]

 

 

She is still in contact with the OM and she is likely going to be impregnated by him again and I can assure you, she isn't going to be going for abortion the second time. If you don't divorce her, she is going to divorce you and all your fears will come to pass.

 

 

 

 

 

Actually a more likely scenario is she will get knocked up again by the OM or some other dude and keep the child and make Hurthusband raise it and pay for it.

[oldshirt]

HurtHusband I think what people are having a hard time dealing with and are getting on you so much about is your passiveness and inactivity.

 

 

When you talk about "biding your time" etc, it reeks of acceptance and doormatism (A new word I just invented)

 

 

I think we need to differentiate between sitting on our hands and working towards a long term goal.

 

 

So you are not going to kick the bitch out and divorce her today. OK that's fine if you have another plan in place and have 27 intermediate steps that have to be completed before you hand her papers and toss her and her shoe and handbag collection out on to the curb.

 

 

.......but what are you doing TODAY to make that reality one step closer????

 

 

 

 

It's ok to have a long term plan in place and kicking her to the curb is step # 52 which will take place on January 27th. But what actions are you taking to get steps #1-51 completed TODAY??????????

 

 

I understand this is a very complex and complicated situation that is going to be a work in progress for quite some time. But what actual nuts and bolts actions are you actually DOING right now???????

 

 

If the true answer comes down to you aren't actually doing anything at the moment, that means you are sitting on your hands doing nothing.

 

 

If you are doing nothing, that means you are accepting this situation and you are living with what she is doing to you and she has no reason to stop. It also means you have no right to moan and whine about it. You are accepting it.

 

 

If you are taking active steps every day (ie getting a lawyer, drawing up papers, protecting bank and retirement accounts, protecting properties, arrainging employment and living quarters in another country, making plans to move etc etc) then you are worthy of support and assistance and advice.

 

 

But if all you are doing is sitting on your hands and moaning about your fate but doing nothing to change it, then people here have the right to get on you about being shiftless and passive and a doormat.

[HurtHusband]

Oldshirt, first of all she didn't have to have an abortion. I just told her that I won't raise the child as it's not mine and that if she wants to have it it's her choice but I won't be paying for it, and the OM is useless and can't even provide for his own family, so naturally she decided to have an abortion...

I am a doormat, but I am not raising someone else's child..

 

 

My goal is to get back home, gain control of my life, get divorced and get custody. No easy task. Yes I am making plans but I won't be posting them on a public Internet forum.

 

The pain is still very raw, detaching myself emotionally from her, looking after my own mental and physical health is a good start for me..this is one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life...I also work 3 jobs, ferry the kids to school, look after them and do many other things...I am the engine of this family. What she wants is to 'have her cake and eat it' so to speak..things would fall apart without me as I am the guy juggling all the balls. Even though she may threaten divorce, I doubt she would risk the stability she has now and mess up her kids future and security. Either way it's too late, the damage is done and long term there is no repairing this.

 

Planning is very important. There are a lot of things I have already done.

 

* finances are in order.

* made copies of all important documents.

* made a note of all my wife's friends/ addresses / contacts etc.

 

Legal representation, creating a new life, there is a lot more that I have to organize..but I am trying...

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, first of all she didn't have to have an abortion. I just told her that I won't raise the child as it's not mine and that if she wants to have it it's her choice but I won't be paying for it, and the OM is useless and can't even provide for his own family, so naturally she decided to have an abortion...

I am a doormat, but I am not raising someone else's child..

 

 

 

She chose to have the abortion. You telling her you wouldn't pay for it had nothing to do with it. If she wanted to keep it, she would have. and you would've been paying for it.

Even in America, if a wife becomes pregnant with another man's child, the husband often gets stuck with housing and paying for it. I doubt if Japan has much a better get-out-of-jail-free card for that.

 

I guess you owe her some gratitude for that one.

 

 

My goal is to get back home, gain control of my life, get divorced and get custody. No easy task. Yes I am making plans but I won't be posting them on a public Internet forum.

 

Understood. And neither I nor anyone else expect you to make daily blow-by-blow reports on what you are doing. My point is that when you say you are biding your time, people interpret that as you sitting on your hands doing nothing.

 

 

The pain is still very raw, detaching myself emotionally from her, looking after my own mental and physical health is a good start for me..this is one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life...I also work 3 jobs, ferry the kids to school, look after them and do many other things...I am the engine of this family. What she wants is to 'have her cake and eat it' so to speak..things would fall apart without me as I am the guy juggling all the balls. Even though she may threaten divorce, I doubt she would risk the stability she has now and mess up her kids future and security. Either way it's too late, the damage is done and long term there is no repairing this.

 

Planning is very important. There are a lot of things I have already done.

 

* finances are in order.

* made copies of all important documents.

* made a note of all my wife's friends/ addresses / contacts etc.

 

Legal representation, creating a new life, there is a lot more that I have to organize..but I am trying..

 

 

 

 

and we are praying for you and hope you are able to get things in order and move on with the rest of your life and put this nightmare behind you.

 

 

.

 

see above.

[SawtoothMars]

Oldshirt, first of all she didn't have to have an abortion. I just told her that I won't raise the child as it's not mine and that if she wants to have it it's her choice but I won't be paying for it, and the OM is useless and can't even provide for his own family, so naturally she decided to have an abortion...

I am a doormat, but I am not raising someone else's child..

My goal is to get back home, gain control of my life, get divorced and get custody. No easy task. Yes I am making plans but I won't be posting them on a public Internet forum.

The pain is still very raw, detaching myself emotionally from her, looking after my own mental and physical health is a good start for me..this is one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life...I also work 3 jobs, ferry the kids to school, look after them and do many other things...I am the engine of this family. What she wants is to 'have her cake and eat it' so to speak..things would fall apart without me as I am the guy juggling all the balls. Even though she may threaten divorce, I doubt she would risk the stability she has now and mess up her kids future and security. Either way it's too late, the damage is done and long term there is no repairing this.

Planning is very important. There are a lot of things I have already done.

* finances are in order.

* made copies of all important documents.

* made a note of all my wife's friends/ addresses / contacts etc.

Legal representation, creating a new life, there is a lot more that I have to organize..but I am trying...

 

Oh... Oldshirt just mentioned that you are in Japan?

 

I've never heard of a guy getting custody. Maybe she would be willing to trade some financial support for visitation?

[HurtHusband]

@oldshirt..there is no alimony system in japan. After separation there are only non enforceable recommendations regarding contact ( that is if you go to court) Some men pay out of obligation or so that the ex will let them see their kids. But there are no laws or penalties regarding alimony or child payments..( the wife gets the kids, the man gets to walk away with all his assets..that's the way it works here)

 

@korva, yes it's pretty obvious is'ent it..first time to have sex in 3 yrs!! Her idea...she practically jumped me...ok she confessed a week later..but it's obvious she was thinking about the possibility of making me believe I was the father..it shows a really shocking level of deception on her part..it's scary, it's not the person I loved and trusted...if she is capable of that, than really she cannot be trusted..

[bestplayer]

@oldshirt..there is no alimony system in japan. After separation there are only non enforceable recommendations regarding contact ( that is if you go to court) Some men pay out of obligation or so that the ex will let them see their kids. But there are no laws or penalties regarding alimony or child payments..( the wife gets the kids, the man gets to walk away with all his assets..that's the way it works here)

 

@korva, yes it's pretty obvious is'ent it..first time to have sex in 3 yrs!! Her idea...she practically jumped me...ok she confessed a week later..but it's obvious she was thinking about the possibility of making me believe I was the father..it shows a really shocking level of deception on her part..it's scary, it's not the person I loved and trusted...if she is capable of that, than really she cannot be trusted..

 

What I really hate about this forum is that some posters don't even bother to read the OP's thread properly but start agressively throwing their same old repeated lines of advices bundled with their condescending remarks. People should first put some energy in reading the thread rather than in responding with their mindless advices .