Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[Fearful]

Help your self OP. You won't loose your kids if you divorce your wife because The kind of life style she want to leave would n't allow her more time with the kids. She depend on you as far as caring and management of the home and kids are concern and she will never stop being dependant on you in one way or the other. She knows your fear and she is using it to manipulate you. She also knows your worth as a father and husband wich you your self don't appreciate and that is why she is still with you. However, she will dump you like a piece of twep once you have outlived your usefulness. Your problem is that you are 'too weak' and 'fearful' and if you don't change ''the weakness in you'' and assume a position of strength, even if you move to your home country and have another woman, healthy relationship will elude 'the weak you'

[the_artist_1970]

Revelations, thank you for your reply. I know your right..it took me afew days to reply.

 

I am married, I want to make love with my wife. She is the only woman in my life. I want to have a normal relationship. Of course I am still attracted to my wife, I tell her I want to have sex with her. She says 'we are like friends' she does'nt want sex. She says is'ent cuddling up and watching a movie enough? She makes me feel bad for wanting sex with her. I say, "we are husband and wife' she says 90% of married couples don't have sex! please read a book about men and women"!..however her actions totally contradict this statement! she doesn't want sex, but yet she cheated on me and got pregnant...really at this stage..I could have exploded..What the hell am I? Is there any love for me...

 

my wife says " we have two young kids..5 yrs later they will be older...by that she means..hang on?

 

This is a lie. My DH and I have been married 22 years and we have a very active and creative s*x life. We had great s*x even during my three pregnancies and when our kids were little. Your W is only with you because you provide a good living for her. You are accepting abuse. I would get out of that marriage and let her remain sexless.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you need to wake up, your in your own fog and life will soon pass you by. Your daughter will always be your daughter, nothing your nasty wife can ever do to change that. All she wants from you is your pay cheque. She will do whatever she wants because she knows she has you scared sh*tless, your fear of losing your daughter is what she use's to keep you in the place she wants.

 

You can stop her abuse anytime you want too, you just have to take the first step. You may find her attitude changing once she knows your leaving. Being alone in my opinion is way better than what you have now. You really want to go the rest of your life without sex, really? Your wife isn't, why should you?

Edited November 7, 2014 by aliveagain

[HurtHusband]

I know your both absolutely right..she knows she's holding all the cards and I accept no sex or respect because I am terrified I will lose my kids.. That's 100% right. But it's no joke not being able to see your kids, and I have been with them everyday and it may kill me if I can't see them..sure they do grow up. But the bond may be broken, you miss their whole childhood, they may be exposed to 'parental alienation' where I am described as the bad parent and they cling tighter to her as they seek her love and approval..when I do eventually see them, they may not want to see me, or they may be totally screwed up..

 

So yes, I am scared. I know I deserve a damn sight better. And I am going a bit crazy without sex! I mean going with out FOR YEARS! I'm 36, not 86! I think I have had sex fewer than 10 times in 10 years...I can't imagine how that conversation will go..."hello dear, I need sex, I'm going abit loopy. I am attracted to you and want to make love to you but you reject me...what shall I do..oh..just go to that brothel near the station once a week..oh thanks, I feel much better now..

[aliveagain]

I know your both absolutely right..she knows she's holding all the cards and I accept no sex or respect because I am terrified I will lose my kids.. That's 100% right. But it's no joke not being able to see your kids, and I have been with them everyday and it may kill me if I can't see them..sure they do grow up. But the bond may be broken, you miss their whole childhood, they may be exposed to 'parental alienation' where I am described as the bad parent and they cling tighter to her as they seek her love and approval..when I do eventually see them, they may not want to see me, or they may be totally screwed up..

 

So yes, I am scared. I know I deserve a damn sight better. And I am going a bit crazy without sex! I mean going with out FOR YEARS! I'm 36, not 86! I think I have had sex fewer than 10 times in 10 years...I can't imagine how that conversation will go..."hello dear, I need sex, I'm going abit loopy. I am attracted to you and want to make love to you but you reject me...what shall I do..oh..just go to that brothel near the station once a week..oh thanks, I feel much better now..

 

Yes, standing up for yourself is scary but so is living with abuse. There are clergy that have sworn celibacy that get sex more than you, how's that for a statement? Change your situation or agree to an open marriage because you know she won't go without sex, she just doesn't want it with you. In a way, what you have if you stay is an open marriage anyway(she's going to be having sex with different men) so you might as well get yourself a girlfriend because it doesn't appear your leaving her anytime soon. You can't feel good about yourself when you know that just about every man in Japan has a better chance of having sex with your wife than you do. Isn't that fact enough to make you leave, you already know your future if you stay. Your best chance at happiness is to leave her.

[GorillaTheater]

In a way, what you have if you stay is an open marriage anyway(she's going to be having sex with different men) so you might as well get yourself a girlfriend because it doesn't appear your leaving her anytime soon. You can't feel good about yourself when you know that just about every man in Japan has a better chance of having sex with your wife than you do.

 

I was thinking the same thing, and trying to figure out how to word this so it wouldn't seem like I was advising you to throw your integrity out the window. I think Aliveagain hit on it: you're in an open marriage now, whether you want to be or not. Given that, and while I can't quite bring myself to heartily endorse you going outside the marriage to have your needs met, I'm sure as hell not going to throw rocks at you if you did. How about you? How do you feel about a gf on the side?

 

 

Your best chance at happiness is to leave her.

 

Again, agreed. But I understand your point about your children. Making the best of an impossible situation MAY well mean going outside of your marriage for you physical and emotional needs. And I can't think of another time I've suggested that.

[elaine567]

I haven't read all of this but it seems to me that you are not looking after yourself in all of this.

 

Stop the drinking alone at night and start thinking of ways that your life could be happier and start doing things differently.

Be there for your kids 100%, but for her, no.

She has made her bed, let her lie in it.

You being nice is not going to stop her having another affair and by what she says, she doesn't seem to care for your feelings anyway.

You need to stop being the doting husband and the focus for her "hate", and start being your own person.

Try making some friends at work, arrange to go out and have a few drinks/coffees, arrange golf or tennis or some other activity that doesn't include her, make some friends, friends with kids, perhaps, so you could go do stuff with them and take your own kids too. Take your focus away from her and her cheating ways.

Your kids will be happier too, with a more relaxed and interesting dad.

Show her and the world, you are not her doormat, drinking your life away in your room every night.

[GorillaTheater]

You definitely need to disconnect the emotional hose to your wife and get a fulfilling life without her, regardless of what else you decide to do.

[HurtHusband]

A rough day...it's now almost 3 months since my wife confessed about her affair..it has been a very hard time for me. Definitely one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life. Someone here wrote about triggers, or little flashes where you think about the affair, where it happened or what likely happened.. I know doing so is just like torturing yourself....it's painful to think about what happened.

 

As life continues, time passes, you go through the motions..some days it's not in my mind and I can almost be happy. Of course when the kids are present I am always happy for them. You enjoy things less however, because of what happened..it's hard to play the part of 'happily married couple' the image that you present to the outside world, because inside it's a different story...

And yes, I still have that sicky feeling, in the pit of my stomach, like a wounded man with an arrow in his side...

 

We were watching a DVD and in the movie one mans wife was supposedly having an affair with another man.. I sit there and she is oblivious...if the subject of infidelity or affairs comes up on tv..or in a conversation about friends..I almost freeze up..I become quiet...it's probably ancient history to her..but for me it's very painful.

 

 

 

She is not the women I thought she was....excuses, rationalizing,

The fallout after cheating is very hard to deal with..to continue, you have to put your trust and faith in this woman, to build a life and raise our kids..but there is doubt, pain, anger, after this who wants to get cheated on again? Who would want to feel this pain again? And you have the insecurity, her actions caused all this..and I am the one having to experience and go through it...you make plans for the future...sometimes I think wouldn't it be nice if we moved here? Or spend a year abroad..but I am worried she would cheat. Is my self esteem that low? It shouldn't be.. But it is low. Is it unrealistic to think that she will cheat again? There are no guarantees, does past behavior predict future behavior?

 

Not many people I am sure...

 

You may never get the 'why's' of the affair..you will never get all the details..and part of me just does not want to know..but I don't want to be the expendable puppet on a string for her..dancing to her tune...because it is soul destroying, damaging, I think mentally and physically my health is suffering..

 

they say 'Alls fair in love and war' I may one day put that saying to the test....

Edited November 26, 2014 by HurtHusband

[jbrent890]

A rough day...it's now almost 3 months since my wife confessed about her affair..it has been a very hard time for me. Definitely one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life. Someone here wrote about triggers, or little flashes where you think about the affair, where it happened or what likely happened.. I know doing so is just like torturing yourself....it's painful to think about what happened.

 

As life continues, time passes, you go through the motions..some days it's not in my mind and I can almost be happy. Of course when the kids are present I am always happy for them. You enjoy things less however, because of what happened..it's hard to play the part of 'happily married couple' the image that you present to the outside world, because inside it's a different story...

And yes, I still have that sicky feeling, in the pit of my stomach, like a wounded man with an arrow in his side...

 

We were watching a DVD and in the movie one mans wife was supposedly having an affair with another man.. I sit there and she is oblivious...if the subject of infidelity or affairs comes up on tv..or in a conversation about friends..I almost freeze up..I become quiet...it's probably ancient history to her..but for me it's very painful.

 

 

 

She is not the women I thought she was....excuses, rationalizing,

The fallout after cheating is very hard to deal with..to continue, you have to put your trust and faith in this woman, to build a life and raise our kids..but there is doubt, pain, anger, after this who wants to get cheated on again? Who would want to feel this pain again? And you have the insecurity, her actions caused all this..and I am the one having to experience and go through it...you make plans for the future...sometimes I think wouldn't it be nice if we moved here? Or spend a year abroad..but I am worried she would cheat. Is my self esteem that low? It shouldn't be.. But it is low. Is it unrealistic to think that she will cheat again? There are no guarantees, does past behavior predict future behavior?

 

Not many people I am sure...

 

You may never get the 'why's' of the affair..you will never get all the details..and part of me just does not want to know..but I don't want to be the expendable puppet on a string for her..dancing to her tune...because it is soul destroying, damaging, I think mentally and physically my health is suffering..

 

they say 'Alls fair in love and war' I may one day put that saying to the test....

 

Please stop tortuing yourself and leave her. She obviously isn't willing to put the effort in to make this work. I know it's a hard decision to make especially with children involved, but I think your children will be better off with a dad that is happy and not miserable. This woman should be kissing your butt right now. She should be answering all your questions, asking if you are okay, doing little things for you. It's time to do something for you my man. God knows if your wife didn't get pregnant, you would have never known about this.

[HurtHusband]

I would like to have sex with my wife..just to recap, I have not had sex for 3.1 years. We did have sex once in august, this was one week before her confession, she initiated it and she was ( unbeknownst to me) pregnant at the time with her lovers child. Yes, you all know what she was probably thinking or planning..that hurts me a lot.

 

She practically jumped me, of course I thought it was strange at the time after living with no sex for so long. When we had sex, she claimed it hurt, and we had to stop, and tbh it was a disaster, with her shouting, 'I will never have sex with you again in my life!! Now I am 6'2 and maybe a bit big, but I am not a bloody horse. She is small.

 

 

We had a chat this morning about sex, I said I would get condoms and oil, I told her I want to make love. Recently she has become more affectionate and even said she 'loves me' while we were affectionate.

 

 

It's abit infuriating talking to my wife, I bring up the subject of sex and the affair and her attitude is so nonchalant and matter of fact that inside it makes my blood boil!!! For example, I say ' you had sex with the OM multiple times, but I haven't had any sex for three years, there are pandas in china that have more sex than me!

 

 

She says 'but it hurts' apparently the OM is smaller and it didn't hurt that's what she said....there is no remorse or 'ok, darling, I will try..' I mean Jesus Christ, how do you think this makes me feel?? She offers no solution and makes me feel like **** for supposedly being bigger.

 

The other line is, ' none of my other married friends are having sex, this is normal for married couples our age ( 30's) you can ask my friend...I can't actually touch my wife down there. It's out of bounds..I can't stimulate her in any way apart from kissing/touching...this is what sexual relations consists of in my house...

 

Kiss/cuddle...my right hand...tissues...finished...

 

She says ' that's good enough, once you get your load off, that's enough, she doesn't understand my needs at all and she is not willing to even try.....

 

The truth is, I think it may hurt a little, which is why we use oil. But she is exaggerating this excuse, at first she said ' don't use condoms, it's right after my period. When I insisted that I would use condoms, she started the 'it hurts' line...apart from the beginning courting stage of our relationship, there has been very little sex. Except when we were having our children and at that time we used oil and there was no 'it hurts' excuse.

 

 

While we had the chat this morning she said she was 'disappointed in me' and that I was a bit 'aggressive' I think she will always try to shift blame for her failings onto me..I am meant to feel bad or guilty for gasp...wanting sex with my wife or for bringing up the subject. I know this technique of hers...it won't work anymore. I am going to work now, I don't feel guilty at all. I will not be buying any condoms or oil today that's for sure.

[oldshirt]

I would like to have sex with my wife..just to recap, I have not had sex for 3.1 years. We did have sex once in august, this was one week before her confession, she initiated it and she was ( unbeknownst to me) pregnant at the time with her lovers child. Yes, you all know what she was probably thinking or planning..that hurts me a lot.

 

She practically jumped me, of course I thought it was strange at the time after living with no sex for so long. When we had sex, she claimed it hurt, and we had to stop, and tbh it was a disaster, with her shouting, 'I will never have sex with you again in my life!! Now I am 6'2 and maybe a bit big, but I am not a bloody horse. She is small.

 

 

We had a chat this morning about sex, I said I would get condoms and oil, I told her I want to make love. Recently she has become more affectionate and even said she 'loves me' while we were affectionate.

 

 

It's abit infuriating talking to my wife, I bring up the subject of sex and the affair and her attitude is so nonchalant and matter of fact that inside it makes my blood boil!!! For example, I say ' you had sex with the OM multiple times, but I haven't had any sex for three years, there are pandas in china that have more sex than me!

 

 

She says 'but it hurts' apparently the OM is smaller and it didn't hurt that's what she said....there is no remorse or 'ok, darling, I will try..' I mean Jesus Christ, how do you think this makes me feel?? She offers no solution and makes me feel like **** for supposedly being bigger.

 

The other line is, ' none of my other married friends are having sex, this is normal for married couples our age ( 30's) you can ask my friend...I can't actually touch my wife down there. It's out of bounds..I can't stimulate her in any way apart from kissing/touching...this is what sexual relations consists of in my house...

 

Kiss/cuddle...my right hand...tissues...finished...

 

She says ' that's good enough, once you get your load off, that's enough, she doesn't understand my needs at all and she is not willing to even try.....

 

The truth is, I think it may hurt a little, which is why we use oil. But she is exaggerating this excuse, at first she said ' don't use condoms, it's right after my period. When I insisted that I would use condoms, she started the 'it hurts' line...apart from the beginning courting stage of our relationship, there has been very little sex. Except when we were having our children and at that time we used oil and there was no 'it hurts' excuse.

 

 

While we had the chat this morning she said she was 'disappointed in me' and that I was a bit 'aggressive' I think she will always try to shift blame for her failings onto me..I am meant to feel bad or guilty for gasp...wanting sex with my wife or for bringing up the subject. I know this technique of hers...it won't work anymore. I am going to work now, I don't feel guilty at all. I will not be buying any condoms or oil today that's for sure.

 

Why are you even speaking to this creature????????????????

[HurtHusband]

Thank you old shirt!! It's surreal.....I am starting to think the same thing myself.

I just don't think she understands..

[whichwayisup]

she isn't sexually into you anymore and sadly it's doing damage to you now.

 

And no, what she said isnt'normal - Most married couples in their 30's ARE having lots of sex. I'm in my 40's and having lots of sex with my husband. My friends have sex with their husbands. She is justifying and making excuses, then trying to make you feel bad and put the blame on you. F that. Enough! Stop allowing her to make you feel like crap.

[CarrieT]

A baby ten times the size of your dick came out of her! It can't hurt THAT bad. Tiny Asian women get FISTED all the time.

 

She *could* take it if she wanted to.

 

She just doesn't want to.

 

Stop begging for it and get a lover who will appreciate you!

[HurtHusband]

You are both right...we never really had much of a sex life to begin with....

 

It's natural that I would want to be intimate with my wife, but the reality is it won't happen. And sex with someone who doesn't want it, begrudging mercy sex...that's no fun.

 

Recently we were affectionate and she seemed to enjoy it ( as in she actually started kissing me normally with her mouth open, we started play acting, she was laughing) and I thought maybe there is a spark there, maybe I can turn her on, and I thought why wouldn't she enjoy having sex...I am suggesting things, romantic evenings out and baths together,

She likes that...but if I mention sex..no..she won't go that far.

 

she seems almost asexual...she said there were no other affairs before the OM. Is that normal for a woman of 34 to have basically zero sex drive? I mean if I kissed her or touch her, thee are no groans of pleasure, she does not get excited.

And I am not allowed go down there...

 

After the confession, for the first week, I went through the 'hysterical bonding' and we had showers together and let me touch her more .but that was only then. I suppose she was feeling guilty then..

 

Also you are correct, she is just making excuses. I am a very patient person/lover. But seriously **** this.

[aliveagain]

You are both right...we never really had much of a sex life to begin with....

 

It's natural that I would want to be intimate with my wife, but the reality is it won't happen. And sex with someone who doesn't want it, begrudging mercy sex...that's no fun.

 

Recently we were affectionate and she seemed to enjoy it ( as in she actually started kissing me normally with her mouth open, we started play acting, she was laughing) and I thought maybe there is a spark there, maybe I can turn her on, and I thought why wouldn't she enjoy having sex...I am suggesting things, romantic evenings out and baths together,

She likes that...but if I mention sex..no..she won't go that far.

 

she seems almost asexual...she said there were no other affairs before the OM. Is that normal for a woman of 34 to have basically zero sex drive? I mean if I kissed her or touch her, thee are no groans of pleasure, she does not get excited.

And I am not allowed go down there...

 

After the confession, for the first week, I went through the 'hysterical bonding' and we had showers together and let me touch her more .but that was only then. I suppose she was feeling guilty then..

 

Also you are correct, she is just making excuses. I am a very patient person/lover. But seriously **** this.

 

 

How did her O/M fu*k a baby into her if she wasn't into sex? It still comes down to not wanting sex with you. Your options are very limited, stay and accept the fact that she is going to bang other men, stay and get yourself a girlfriend so it won't bother you as much when she's out banging other men or just leave and find someone that's in to you. I'd go for the latter.

[Fearful]

Op, Your wife love sex but just not with you. If I can ask, what are you getting from this marriage? At this point, I think your problem is not really your wife, your problem is you. She deny you sex for 3years, got pregnant for the OM and tried to trap it on you, treats you like a piece of ****, have Zero respect for you. I don't think a man with a balance mind will even contemplate living with a person like your wife talkless of wanting sex with her. She doesn't see any thing good in you and have succeeded in making you not seeing any thing good in you. Worst, you cant even see your face through the mirror, you can only see your face through the eyes of your wife. She have emasculated and cripled you with fair. Also, Advising you to move on with your life is useless because you have no life. Sorry if I sound too harsh but the reality is that you live only in your wife. The children whon you are claiming to live for, you are unknowingly destroying them. Find your self and get a life so you can be more useful to your kids otherwise, all your fears will come 2 pass. Good luck.

[Molly Hooper]

The other line is, ' none of my other married friends are having sex, this is normal for married couples our age ( 30's) you can ask my friend...

 

The truth is, I think it may hurt a little, which is why we use oil. But she is exaggerating this excuse,

 

You have nothing to feel guilty for in regards to your wants. My god, considering what you've been through, she should be shocked you want anything at all.

 

The part above that I left in quotes... that just sounds juvenile. "All my friends are doing/have/want/get... blah blah blah." It isn't true. I mean... it is true in the sense that a lot of people have a depleted sex life in marriage... but that is up to each couple... and it really isn't always the case at all.

 

Ultimately... she is juvenile.

((Or rather, using juvenile excuses to just get out of being intimate with you))

 

And that's okay... if she isn't with you.Honestly, from the (admittedly little) amount that I read from this thread, she doesn't necessarily sound (or seem to be acting) like she does want to be with you. She isn't emotionally there.

 

This is going to really take a toll on you. even more than it already has... Consider if it's really worth it.

[Snaggletooth]

You are both right...we never really had much of a sex life to begin with....

 

It's natural that I would want to be intimate with my wife, but the reality is it won't happen. And sex with someone who doesn't want it, begrudging mercy sex...that's no fun.

 

Recently we were affectionate and she seemed to enjoy it ( as in she actually started kissing me normally with her mouth open, we started play acting, she was laughing) and I thought maybe there is a spark there, maybe I can turn her on, and I thought why wouldn't she enjoy having sex...I am suggesting things, romantic evenings out and baths together,

She likes that...but if I mention sex..no..she won't go that far.

 

she seems almost asexual...she said there were no other affairs before the OM. Is that normal for a woman of 34 to have basically zero sex drive? I mean if I kissed her or touch her, thee are no groans of pleasure, she does not get excited.

And I am not allowed go down there...

 

After the confession, for the first week, I went through the 'hysterical bonding' and we had showers together and let me touch her more .but that was only then. I suppose she was feeling guilty then..

 

Also you are correct, she is just making excuses. I am a very patient person/lover. But seriously **** this.

 

HH, you've got two options, either continue to lose yourself and your self respect or regain yourself and your self respect. Your wife isn't going to want sex with you until you choose the latter. The latter involves telling her to go f*ck herself. Whether you want to stay together or divorce, that's something you're going to have to do, otherwise you're going to end up a broken, henpecked, appeasing shell of a man with your balls, wallet and dignity lost in the garbage and secrets of your wife's handbag.

[No Limit]

Stop listening to her excuses. I bet you someday she'll say that her anatomy is wrong so a penis can't get into her while still banging other men on the side.

 

Find a woman who will appreciate you. And if you play with open cards, trust me, they won't care about you being married.

[spanz1]

you have really three choices here:

 

 

divorce her, fast (which would be my recommendation)

 

 

try an open marriage and cuddle with her all you want, but only get sex from other women. The other women would GLADLY utilize your "too big" member!

 

 

Live like you are...its called a "cuckold" lifestyle. Some men, those that enjoy sexual humiliation, really enjoy it--they get sexual stimulation from the abuse their wives give them and revel in stories she tells them of her lover's actions. In a typical cuckold relationship, the wife will deny the husband any normal sex, while teasing him and humiliating him by having multiple partners with the most kinky types of sex. there are plenty of websites describing cuckolding....check them out and see if that is what you want for the next 10 years or so.

 

 

BTW, have you been tested for STD's? unprotected sex with a man that had so many partners is troubling.

Edited December 6, 2014 by spanz1

[road]

Facts

 

 

Your WW did OM repeatedly.

 

 

Did you once to trick you to think you were the one that got her pregnant.

 

 

Refuses to do you now.

 

 

Maybe it is time to divorce her.

[spanz1]

"Maybe???"

[oldshirt]

thank you old shirt!! It's surreal.....i am starting to think the same thing myself.

I just don't think she understands..

 

 

 

she doesn't need to understand. You do!!!!!!!!!