I hate my breaking point! I am done with MM!

[newdaynewstart]

Ladies,

 

I have made up my mind...and I am going to do it! There will be NC with MM starting tommorow. I have had enough and I have been driven to the point that I now know it is not possible for MM and I to be "friends." Been there, done that, and it sure as hell is not working!

 

So the jist of my story for those of you who have not heard it. I have been with my MM for over a year. I used to be able to date and actually had a boyfriend when we started the A but I find now that my mind is so consumed with MM that I barely give any guy time of day. This is not going to change unless I start NC with MM asap. So...I do not know what has happened to me lately. I think honestly I have just kind of gone through a low point in my life. I moved, recently started a new job, I am having a hard time with being single and trying to go and meet new guys. I really think that my confidence has lowered because of my relationship with MM...I just do not feel good about myself like I used to.

 

I know this all sounds so pathetic...but it feels so good to get it all out there. Because of how I have been feeling lately and honestly because I came across this board...I have gotten the strength to start taking the steps to say good bye forever. Off and on the past few weeks I have this one day a week where I break and tell him NC. And then we both get sad and we decide we can be friends. Well, this past Thursday I hit this breaking point. I wrote him this long email and basically told him that I was not going to be "second" in his life. And that the only way for me to completely move on with my life is NC. I wished hime the best and said good bye. Well of course the next morning he emails me at work telling me that he understands...that if it were not for his wife getting pregnant he would have left for me. But now with two kids he has realized that he has so much to lose and that he could not stand seeing his daughters raised by another man. So then we come to this conclusion once again that we can be friends and that we will both move on from this, remember the good, whatever... So Friday after work he calls and asks if one of him and his friends can stop over. I was getting ready to go out and one of my girfriends was on her way over so I figured it was harmless. Well...not the case. He basically told me that he just can not imagine not having me in his life at all, that he was sick all day from it all... Well, after a few drinks that night I got VERY emotional...and broke down and told him that I hated him and the situation, etc.

 

So he texted me Saturday telling me he was sorry I was so upset...yada yada. After a long talk with two of my best friends they told me that NC is the ONLY way I am ever going to beat this. I know that I have to do it now! I have no other choice. I can not just be friends with him vice versa, and every time that I see him it makes it all hurt even more.

 

And...I am proud of myself. I went out with a nice SG last night. We had a great time, laughed a lot. A part of me was still thinking about MM though. I have put him so high on a pedastool! For what reason, I am not sure. But I am done....

 

Tips on how to get through each day...and similar experiences with beginning NC and sticking to it! It always helps to hear other success stories and feedback! Also, what are some books that I could read to help me get through this and some things I can do for myself to get my life back on track!

 

Thanks all for your support!!!!

[kkat]

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you.

 

Newday, check out your earlier thread about "How do I initiate NC" - I think there are some good pointers, success stories, etc. in that thread that will help you with NC.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[lynnered]

keep busy !!!

today is 7 weeks for me well partial !!

well for the last 3 weeks he's been emailing&iming

usually his pattern is ,

ill break it off tell him not to call until he get legal separtion

he has never gone more then 30 days

i said don't call lol well he ims &emails

talk to him a little on I'm

since A began this is the longest I've went w/o seeing him

he's freaking out!!he acts jealous now he never did before ,

at least i know he does love me but he deserves this like your MM does ,

he deserves to know what it feels to like not to have you in his life because they don't think of the pain OW goes through in this situation,of loving somebody and not having that person fully there for you.

please be strong you can do it!!

you sound like me with "every time that I see him it makes it all hurt even more."

I'm OK with email&I'm but if i see or talk to him on the phone ,ill be back in that situation,before this we never contacted that way always by phone or person.

now he finds more time ,now he wants gym"dates"to take me to shoot pool .

when i have urges to im or email him i call a girlfriend

come to love shack!!

write in my journal

and i totally understand you with the not yourself anymore &the anger ,that me!!

please keep posting you can do this &remember if you fall down 7 times get up 8!!!

[curly]

Tips for NC - It may not seem like it at first, but you have to be VERY sure of what you are doing. Be firm with him that this is it. You want nothing from him any longer. Tell him "do not call me, don't send me anything, if you have anything of mine, I don't want it back" No contact means no contact. Nothing. Cold Turkey. It's the ONLY way to stop the madness that consumes your thoughts.

 

And then here's the kicker.. It's a real doozy... You'll think about him 24/7 for a loooooong time. I'm 5 weeks in and he is out of my thoughts for about 2 of every 5 minutes that goes by. But at first, he was all I thought about so I'm making progress. It comes... slowly, but it's there. You just have to decide that you want something better. He will never give it to you and you MUST move on.

 

I will probably never not love him. I will always have a little ache or soft spot for him. But that will go away. It may take a few years, but it will.

 

Keeping busy is the best way. Do you have a house? Start a project, redo a room. If not, start a different project. Join a gym. Volunteer. Nothing will make your problem seem smaller then when you help other people. You'll see your value in the world.

 

I can't really preach too much about how to do it. He went back to W and I told him goodbye. He hasn't called since. And it kills me, don't think for a minute that I'm so strong that I've been able to rebuff him. He hasn't called. I'm not really sure what I would have done if he had called. So, in a way, I'm lucky. LOL while crying.... But I know I got the last word in. And in the smallest way, that's helped me. I told him I thought he was psychotic and I wanted nothing more to do with him.

 

You need to be so very strong. It will take everything in you, the very bottom of your reserves to get through. I'm not trying to scare you but I think it helps if you know that it will be extremely difficult. But you can do it. Do you remember when you got your heart broken when you were young, usually in your teens? That's how this is going to feel. Like you're 16 again and experiencing heartbreak for the first time. Treat yourself with kid gloves. Be very generous with yourself. Pampering is very needed. Sleep when you can. You heal through sleep. Give yourself a treat for every day or week that goes by that you continue NC. Rewards are good.

 

Just remember... if you contact him, drive by his house, call his voice mail, etc. anything that connects you to him... you will put yourself back to day one and go through all the motions again. I know through experience.... Once you make the break, say the big words, stick to them. If you don't, you'll only be ashamed of yourself.

 

I say all this with the wisdom and experience of what I have been going through. Please heed my advice.

 

I wish you luck. And even if you don't go through with it, Know that we all understand and will continue to be there for you.

[newby]

it took me awhile once i had started talking about it to do it properly, even now i have still not blocked him off IM and its got to the point that i feel that if i did, it would show that i care enough to.

we all want to leave on the perfect note etc, i too didnt have the problem that you have with him trying to contact you, on the other hand each of them knows what works on each of us. my mm happens to know that i feel stronger and more resolute the more he tries to contact me, he could well be not bothering me cos he knows thats what gets me hooked back. on the other hand he probably just wants it over with too. who knows.

but anyway they will try whatever trick they can to keep you where they want you.

you gotta stay one step ahead. if his trick is to contact you with sweet words you gotta let him know it doesnt work, he will probably then try a different tactic, he may well ignore you so you start to worry he is over you. some say nc some say not, i dont know i think it all depends on the tactics they use.

in my case if i nc he nc's better! so i get worried, but i know that now, and now i'm not biting, i'm still not contacting no matter how well he nc's.

in your case he seems to think he can break you with his words. let him see it doesnt work.

i think in your case nc is good, but be really prepared for how much he is going to try and break you down. each time you try teaches you a little bit more about his tactics. dont feel you have failed, you are just sussing out the enemy. i know i treat this as some kind of strategic battle game but thats how it works for me!!!

have fun with it if you like.

after a while you will get perspective, many people told me to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride, its true i have gone and am going through so many different stages in this. my emotions change from one thing to the next so quickly, its another good reason for nc! otherwise you might say something you are going to regret in the next emotion and then likely regret regretting it an hour later!!! just ride it!

keep going on dates, you sound like you have good girlfriends ask them to help you through this.

confidence will come back, it doesnt take all that long once you are completely out. you sound like a strong girl i think you will bounce back quite quick.