Newly married... Not having sex...

[Nony101]

Hi there, this community has been great for answering my questions and giving me advice about my relationship. Let me start off by saying that I love my wife very much, and I'm only here to gain some sort of understanding and make changes in my life. My wife and I have been married for 3 months now (3 months a week ago). However, we haven't had sex in 2 weeks. It's been gradually getting worse and worse. Honestly, I don't pressure her at all. Recently it's been getting better, but for a few weeks there from the time I would get home from work (she gets home from work before me) she would just watch TV all night. At least 20 hours of Netflix during the week. Meanwhile I would wait on her hand and foot, not really expecting her to do anything. She would tell me that she was exhausted and not feeling well, so I chose to respect that and figured I wouldn't bother her with trying to initiate anything.

Honestly though, we're newlyweds (saved sex until marriage), and we haven't been intimate in 2 weeks. Now I'm not looking to point fingers or play the blame game, I just want to know what I should do to fix this? I try to kiss her passionately, but she keeps long kisses short. I tell her I want her, and she questions me, "do you?", yes of course I do, "then show me".

What does that even mean? She's constantly complaining of not feeling well and being exhausted, but wants me to try anyway. Why would I try to initiate something if I'm most likely going to get rejected because she is not feeling well or tired? I know as soon as the TV comes on that I've lost her for the evening. God forbid her phone goes off when someone does anything on her Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram accounts. I'll kiss her and touch her intimately while in bed, and I think we're getting somewhere, but then the buzz of her phone against the nightstand, and we stop. She'll clear the notification, but will spend 5 minutes going through all of her social media. While I'm like WTF, seriously? Also, getting a TV in the bedroom is by far the worst idea I have ever had. Then she asks me to get Netflix going for her. Hell, it's a wash now. Netflix on, I roll over and go to bed.

Sorry, that post turned more into a rant. That's not what I intended, but I do feel better. What do you think is going on? I'm kind of wondering if she's depressed. I just care a lot about her, and I love her so much.

[2sunny]

Was she like this before you married?

[d0nnivain]

Have you talked to her about this?

[CarrieT]

Was she like this before you married?

 

Re-read the post. They didn't even have sex before marriage! "Honestly though, we're newlyweds (saved sex until marriage)."

 

No pun intended, he is screwed...

 

I don't see this ending well at all. She already feels entitled and this is not an equitable marriage. I'm going to anticipate lots of threads on this subject before they start fighting about other things.

[Phoe]

The part where you said you aren't initiating because you know you'll get rejected stuck out to me.

 

She said show her that you want her.

 

So do it. Show her. Initiate.

 

By not initiating and assuming you'll get rejected, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. She's obviously not the type to initiate, so if you don't try, then what do you expect?

 

As far as the electronic devices go, suggest removal of the television from the bedroom. Make the bed a no phone zone. Phones go on silent.

[pteromom]

You need to talk to her. See what her "ideal" quantity of sex is. Tell her what yours is. Then you need to make some kind of compromise. Maybe she would be ok with giving you a bj or something between times you have sex.

 

Was she a virgin when you married? It may be that she has a very low sex drive, or it may just be that she doesn't realize that sex can be great. Does she like it when you are doing it?

 

Anyway - you need to talk to her.

[Nony101]

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the input. We did talk briefly about it, and she said that she does want me to try even though she says she's tired and not feeling well. To me (and to most people) it seems like she's not interested then. What fun is it if she's not really into it and is tired/sick? I guess that's just what I don't understand. She keeps saying she wants to try and do it everyday, but just given her body language and the whole tired/sick thing, I don't really believe that. I've told her that I would like to try that. The following day when I try to initiate, it's the whole tired/sick thing again. To be honest, it is a little bit of a turn off. I want her to enjoy it as well, and not just think I'm using her.

[Phoe]

Sometimes when I'm tired or sick, sex makes me feel better. Starting out slow of course, and him on top, but once I get into it I forget about the tiredness or sickness.

 

Like I said, it sounds like you're shooting yourself in the foot. She says to try. She said she will have sex everyday. You're the one stopping yourself.

[2sunny]

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate the input. We did talk briefly about it, and she said that she does want me to try even though she says she's tired and not feeling well. To me (and to most people) it seems like she's not interested then. What fun is it if she's not really into it and is tired/sick? I guess that's just what I don't understand. She keeps saying she wants to try and do it everyday, but just given her body language and the whole tired/sick thing, I don't really believe that. I've told her that I would like to try that. The following day when I try to initiate, it's the whole tired/sick thing again. To be honest, it is a little bit of a turn off. I want her to enjoy it as well, and not just think I'm using her.

 

When her words don't match her actions - it makes her a liar.

 

 

It may stay this way forever - can you live with that?

 

On a side note I think you may be pampering her too much by doing all those things for her.

 

She acts spoiled.

 

Get busy - after work instead of sitting at home while she ignores you - go to the gym or take a few classes. Go out to eat with a few friends! Get busy living while she sits in front of the tv all night.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Another one bites the dust.

 

You should have came here BEFORE you got married, so I could have told you not to. I swear, I'm like the daddy men never had sometimes.

 

There's an epidemic in sexless marriages in case you haven't noticed, at least you would have gotten a clue to what may be in store for you.

 

At least at this stage, it's still very early on, however with her disinterest in sex it's a really really bad sign obviously...if she just started having sex with you and she has a reasonable sex drive then you two should be having sex much more often. Her behavior of disinterest, her avoidance to talk about the issues or completely sulk into social media avoiding the real world is also another side that she's physically present but she's really not there. So you've got that to address as well in your relationship, well else is going on the relationship and in her life, because you can be sure many women will pull as many excuses like rays of the sun for not needing to have sex with you...pretty soon you'll be told to just take care of it yourself because sex isn't important or necessary at this rate.

 

As far as in the bedroom...I'm not sure how well your experience is, but maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with you or enjoy sex that much. There are a lot of women out there who are just not getting off in the bedroom with their men, so I can understand them not wanting to have sex more often.

 

However you'll probably tell me she enjoys it and orgasms every time....but anyway, just try and talk to her about it. The main problem with talking about though is, it will just turn you into an automatic whiner, and then you'll look even more like a pussy because I'm sure she still expects you to initiate no matter how many times she rejects you, and stop doing everything for this woman for crying out loud, let her get off her @ss or she'll weigh 300 pounds posting just head shots and kissy faces on FB trying to look skinny pretty soon.

 

But as a man, whining/complaining is never good, it just makes you look weaker as a men in the attraction department, especially when it comes to sex and then she'll just start to ignore you and shut you out...it's just a downhill snowballing effect where you end up looking like a bigger vagina for not automatically knowing what to do.

 

I think you should keep trying to initiate, I think you should keep trying to figure her out. Women IME tend to expect you to want to know what they want, how to turn them on, how to touch them and everything else under the sun...if you figure out that then you'll send her to the moon, otherwise it's a learning process of trial and many errors for a guy in your position.

 

The other aspect is emotionally, unfortunately many women are tied into so much when it comes to intimacy...past trauma, relationship issues, emotional issues, body issues, self-esteem issues, the wrong color hair color issues, this shirt makes me look too fat issues, everyone has a more interesting life on FB issues...you know.....the norm. So the awesome part is, that's all your problem now! yaaaay! and now it's YOUR job to solve all this and figure it out, and make her happy....but guess what, you never will and you will never figure her out either.

 

There's so much to tell you and so little time, sh*t you won't even be able to process yet. I'll tell you one thing I'm pretty sure about though...it's only going to get worse, IF it ever even gets better...you shouldn't have married this girl, you sound young and inexperienced and all the effort you put into this will be futile...because she needs to be present, she needs to be interested, invested, concerned, caring, EMOTIONAL, about your relationship together. But she's going to ignore you and shut you out, and the harder you try to knock down the wall, the more frustrated and worse the situation will get...you don't have the experience or the knowledge for this, you just can't possibly know what to do and this marriage, like many other marriages before you, may just end up another big mistake.

 

If she isn't willing to work on the relationship with you, you need to walk away...like yesterday. Or you leave, and it'll save you a whole lot of wasted time...that's my best advice, but you won't take it till you learn it yourself....the hard way naturally.

 

This may seem like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but all the signs are there for everything to go wrong with this, it's a textbook disaster scenario, this is like sh*t you should be dealing with years down the road...and it would still be bad.

[stillafool]

Start having nights out with the guys and don't ask her for sex anymore. Give it a month and she'll come around. Also stop waiting on her hand and foot. She gets home first, come in the door asking her what's for dinner. Look, this is your first year of marriage and you better start setting some ground rules now before this becomes a habit. Don't ask her for sex, go in the bedroom, start undressing and call her in. Goodluck.

[d0nnivain]

I admit I didn't read the original post carefully. Now that I have re-read it, & understanding two important things: you two waited until you got married & she says she wants you to try to have sex with her, even if she says she's tired, tells me she had a skewed view of sex. Especially if you waited for religious reasons & she was a virgin before your wedding night she may not understand that she is allowed to like sex or want it. She may still see it as a wifely duty & there is something wrong with her if she initiates rather than allowing herself to be talked into it by you. It's a horrible game but that's my take.

[somedude81]

Unfortunately this has turned into a great thread about why people should not wait until marriage to have sex.

 

How frequent was the sex before she turned it off?

 

Also, does she have an actual illness?

[2sunny]

I wonder how she expects you to feel

Married to her when she basically shuts you out?

 

She isolates and is on her own.

 

That's not leaving room for interaction and a marriage.

 

Have you asked her to go to counseling?

[somedude81]

d0nnivain makes a really good point.

 

Was your wife a virgin before you got married?

[2sunny]

This is just a repeat pattern of when you dated.

 

She was always sick or tired.

 

If you really want a lifetime of sick, tired and selfish go ahead and stay married.

 

That's a loooong miserable life though.

[Turtles]

Sometimes when I'm tired or sick, sex makes me feel better. Starting out slow of course, and him on top, but once I get into it I forget about the tiredness or sickness.

 

Like I said, it sounds like you're shooting yourself in the foot. She says to try. She said she will have sex everyday. You're the one stopping yourself.

 

Phoe, it sounds great but what happens when you are the only one initiating and you are getting rejected 28 days out of the month, at one point it's easier to just turn it off and let it go numb.

 

OP: guessing it will take you 3-5 years to figure it out and leave, so just make sure you don't get her pregnant in the meantime... good luck. Sorry for the cynicism, just seen it too many times.

[Phoe]

Phoe, it sounds great but what happens when you are the only one initiating and you are getting rejected 28 days out of the month, at one point it's easier to just turn it off and let it go numb.

 

If he's getting rejected then yes, that's an issue.

 

The perception I got from the OP's posts is that he's not even bothering with initiating because he assumes he will be rejected. Because she's sick or tired. It appears to me that he's not bothering trying, but is unhappy with the fact that she doesn't APPEAR like she would want sex.

 

They are only 3 months in. That's hardly enough time to constitute a pattern. They haven't had sex in 2 weeks. That's hardly a sexless marriage.

 

Because it's still early in, NOW is the time to create good patterns and good habits.

 

If he is not initiating, which is how I perceived it, then he should start initiating. He needs to stop assuming he will be rejected. She said she wants to try having sex everyday, so he should take her word for it and try. Until her actions legitimately prove that false, he should believe it. Until she is legitimately rejecting him, he should consider her willing.

 

If we reach the point where he knows he's not getting rejected, but she is being a total cold fish during sex, THEN there's a different issue to discuss.

 

I'm guessing because sex waited until marriage she likely is not totally comfortable with it yet, and hasn't gotten a chance to learn or understand that it's okay for her to want and like sex, and it's okay for her to be more than just a "willing" participant.

 

But from what I gather, OP is giving up and quitting the race before even reaching the starting line.

[oldshirt]

Uncle Oldshirt is going to give you some no-holds barred, tough love that he would give to a beloved nephew if he were in a similar situation. This may seem harsh and be a bit painful to read but I fear if I try to sugar-coat things, you won't understand and won't take it seriously.

 

I have read your other 36 posts going back to last Oct when you were just dating and all 36 posts are just a broken record repeat of the post before.

 

In all of this posts you were advised to man-up, find some balls and institute some boundaries for yourself and quit waiting on her hand and foot like some house slave and stop letting her use and manipulate you for her own gain whilst providing nothing to you in return.

 

Many posters urged you not to marry her and warned that once married, the pattern would get progressively worse. Are you prepared to accept that folks here know how these things work and know what they are talking about now????

 

In reading your posts, quite frankly you sound like a naive, insecure, pussy-whipped, 16 year old girl who is a complete pushover for her bad-boy abusive boyfriend who can't understand why he doesn't treat her as well as as she treats him.

 

Here is the bottom line, women can't desire men they don't respect. It's not that they don't want to or don't choose to, it's that they can't. And women can't respect a man that they can control and manipulate.

 

So while you may think you are doing all these wonder things for her and that she should reward you with equal kindness and desire, the fact is her legs are cramping tighter together every time you fetch her slippers like a good puppy.

 

All women desire the Lord of The Manor. None desire the butler or the maid. You are acting like you are the house slave assigned to foot rubs.

 

I am going to guess you were not a ladies man and didn't date much and she was the first gal that has given you the time of day and you have since prostituted yourself to her in hopes that she will throw you a bone now and then and that your greatest fear is that this is your one chance at love so if she leaves you, you will die alone in a one-room apt with your carcass being eaten by rats.

 

That kind of mentality and behavior is the most guarenteed way to assure that she will never desire you and never treat you with dignity or respect.

 

My advice is the same as all the dozens and dozens of other posters that have advised you since your first post -You are simply going to have to grow some balls and stand up for yourself and pursue your own self-interests. In order to do that you may have to let her go.

 

You may be able to man-up enough that she will respect and desire you and treat you fairly but I doubt it. There is a good chance the reason she married you is because she can so easily control and not have to do anything in return.

 

Do you think if she was with Adam Levine or Ryan Gosling or Ashton Kutcher that she would pick up her phone if they were wanting some loving?????

 

You need to do a lot of work and it will take awhile to overcome the years of insecurities and the years of beat-downs you have endured but it can be done.

 

I'm going to recommend a few books to start with. Get the books "The Married Man Sex life Primer" and " The Mindful Attraction Plan" both by Athol Kay. There is also a website called "married man sex life" that deals with this exact thing and it has helped a lot of guys in EXACTLY your situation.

 

Another book you must get is called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You desire to be "nice" and to please her is quite toxic and dysfunctional. You are actually not be nice at all but are actually being quite toxic and damaging to your relationship. You are actually harming your relationship and driving you two farther away with this behavior.

 

If you don't stop, she will continue to neglect and manipulate you worse and worse untill she starts screwing someone else and makes you change her panty-liners afterwards.

[oldshirt]

If he's getting rejected then yes, that's an issue.

 

The perception I got from the OP's posts is that he's not even bothering with initiating because he assumes he will be rejected. Because she's sick or tired. It appears to me that he's not bothering trying, but is unhappy with the fact that she doesn't APPEAR like she would want sex.

 

They are only 3 months in. That's hardly enough time to constitute a pattern. They haven't had sex in 2 weeks. That's hardly a sexless marriage.

 

Because it's still early in, NOW is the time to create good patterns and good habits.

 

If he is not initiating, which is how I perceived it, then he should start initiating. He needs to stop assuming he will be rejected. She said she wants to try having sex everyday, so he should take her word for it and try. Until her actions legitimately prove that false, he should believe it. Until she is legitimately rejecting him, he should consider her willing.

 

If we reach the point where he knows he's not getting rejected, but she is being a total cold fish during sex, THEN there's a different issue to discuss.

 

I'm guessing because sex waited until marriage she likely is not totally comfortable with it yet, and hasn't gotten a chance to learn or understand that it's okay for her to want and like sex, and it's okay for her to be more than just a "willing" participant.

 

But from what I gather, OP is giving up and quitting the race before even reaching the starting line.

 

 

No, this is an established pattern from when they first started dating. It has been progressive and worsening, but the pattern was well established from about day one. Go back through his old posts. They are basically carbon-copies of each other.

[oldshirt]

 

OP: guessing it will take you 3-5 years to figure it out and leave, so just make sure you don't get her pregnant in the meantime... good luck. Sorry for the cynicism, just seen it too many times.

 

Yes, absolutely do NOT get her pregnant!!!!!!!

 

If you knock her up you will never have sex again and will forever be her foot-slave catering to him every whim while she screws every guy in town.

 

If she catches wind that you may grow some balls and divorce her couch-sitting ass, she will intentionally lie to you and manipulate you into impersonating her.

 

She may even bang some other dude to get pregnant and tell you it's yours. Don't laugh, it happens and this case is serious enough that it may be a real risk.

[travelbug1996]

You mentioned that this community has been of great help to you but you haven't taken any of the suggestions.

 

You have always known that you weren't a priority for her and that she didn't desire you sexually. You mentioned time and time again how she watches tv all the time and stays on her iphone.

 

You really shouldn't be surprised or complaining about the situation since you knowingly married someone that didn't care about your needs as a man.

 

I hope things work out for you but its not looking good.

[soret]

I've looked at your history and noticed that this is pretty standard behaviour not only for her but for yourself as well. If you were having problems like this when you were dating her why did you marry her? You were clearly asking for advice because you were unhappy almost a year ago so is this any surprise to you?

[Nony101]

In defense of myself, I DO love her. The problem probably isn't as bad as it sounds to all of you. I guess generally people don't come on here to post when things are going well, you know what I mean? Who knows, I'm probably just being naive. Honestly though, I really appreciate you guys helping me, even though it doesn't look like I apply what I'm learning here, I do. Trust me. I picked up a few of the recommended books awhile ago, but put them down when things were getting better.

All that aside (and sorry for the delayed response, I wanted to put into practice some of the advice before reporting back). Since I've talked with you all last, I've really been trying to delve into what she means by showing her that I want her, and pursuing her. One night, I started to initiate, and I told her I wanted her. She asked me that same question, and I was like YES! Why do you keep asking that? She said she doesn't feel wanted. I told her I straight up didn't understand, I don't do anything differently than I did before when we were having sex. If anything, I treat her better! To me, it feels like over the past month or so, after month 2, she's been getting really cold towards me.

Fast forward to yesterday. We resolved our differences from the previous paragraph. We've been exchanging "dirty"/"suggestive" text messages all day. She seems really into it, by the time I'm home things are pretty heated, and I feel like we're both just waiting to get to bed (had to do some practical things first you know). Finally when bed time rolls around, and she finally puts down her iPhone, I start initiating. Kissing her all over, but something isn't right. She isn't moving, she's just laying there like a dead fish. No vocal cues, no nothing. I could barely see her eyes (dark/night, you know), but I stopped what I was doing and just looked at her, and she just had this blank stare/what are you doing/judgement, etc. At that point I just felt embarrassed/humiliated/rejected. I just rolled over, said sorry, and that was the end of it.

She woke up with me this morning and said she was sorry for the previous night. She doesn't feel great about her body image, and that's why last night happened. The frustrating part about that is there is nothing I can really do about how she feels about her body, right? I tell her she's beautiful all the time, and that I love her body, and that she's sexy. I truly believe those things, otherwise I wouldn't say them. I'm just at a loss. There's no "helping me out" in the sense that a few mentioned earlier either, if she's not in the mood.

[oldshirt]

In defense of myself, I DO love her. The problem probably isn't as bad as it sounds to all of you. I guess generally people don't come on here to post when things are going well, you know what I mean? Who knows, I'm probably just being naive. Honestly though, I really appreciate you guys helping me, even though it doesn't look like I apply what I'm learning here, I do. Trust me. I picked up a few of the recommended books awhile ago, but put them down when things were getting better.

All that aside (and sorry for the delayed response, I wanted to put into practice some of the advice before reporting back). Since I've talked with you all last, I've really been trying to delve into what she means by showing her that I want her, and pursuing her. One night, I started to initiate, and I told her I wanted her. She asked me that same question, and I was like YES! Why do you keep asking that? She said she doesn't feel wanted. I told her I straight up didn't understand, I don't do anything differently than I did before when we were having sex. If anything, I treat her better! To me, it feels like over the past month or so, after month 2, she's been getting really cold towards me.

Fast forward to yesterday. We resolved our differences from the previous paragraph. We've been exchanging "dirty"/"suggestive" text messages all day. She seems really into it, by the time I'm home things are pretty heated, and I feel like we're both just waiting to get to bed (had to do some practical things first you know). Finally when bed time rolls around, and she finally puts down her iPhone, I start initiating. Kissing her all over, but something isn't right. She isn't moving, she's just laying there like a dead fish. No vocal cues, no nothing. I could barely see her eyes (dark/night, you know), but I stopped what I was doing and just looked at her, and she just had this blank stare/what are you doing/judgement, etc. At that point I just felt embarrassed/humiliated/rejected. I just rolled over, said sorry, and that was the end of it.

She woke up with me this morning and said she was sorry for the previous night. She doesn't feel great about her body image, and that's why last night happened. The frustrating part about that is there is nothing I can really do about how she feels about her body, right? I tell her she's beautiful all the time, and that I love her body, and that she's sexy. I truly believe those things, otherwise I wouldn't say them. I'm just at a loss. There's no "helping me out" in the sense that a few mentioned earlier either, if she's not in the mood.

 

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