Realized my husband is a loser.

[RealConfused]

Was there some kind of agreement reached that he would be the sole person responsible to support the family? You said yourself that you don't make enough, so why are you placing the responsibility on him? Shouldn't it be 50 50?

 

Read my recent posts. I'm not placing the entire responsibility on him. The responsibilities been on me for the most part actually. I just want it to be 50/50

[Got it]

Why did you two continue having children if your financial situation is so bleak?

[TigerCub]

Why did you two continue having children if your financial situation is so bleak?

 

I was wondering the exact same thing.

It's not like being poor snuck up on em.

[Radu]

Considering what you wrote on the last page, i think your husband does have a problem, maybe he just doesn't feel a fire under his a*s when there should be one there.

Edited September 24, 2014 by Radu

[stillafool]

He spends his days watching our kids and sometimes applies for jobs online.

 

He is not employed. We've been together for several years and he has an issue with chronic unemployment. For most of our relationship, I've been the breadwinner. So, now that we are hitting our mid 20s, I'm becoming fearful that he may never really be able to help support us.

 

He's recently started talking about going back to school. So that's something he may do in the future.

 

Trust me, I'm not the Lexus type. I wish we had a Taurus with 100,000 miles.

 

My husband has been unemployed more times than he's been working during our relationship. I've been the breadwinner, I've paid our rent, got us a SUV (which is now broken down and repairs are now too expensive to get it fixed).

 

Things have gotten worse with him not being employed and with me having time off of work due to bed rest with our last child. So because of that, we've had to move in with his family and share 1 room for our entire family. There is other family members living there too and it's roach infested. I hate this situation and naturally it has caused me to second guess my husband and our future.

 

Have you thought of divorcing him? Where do your relatives live? Can you and your children stay with them while you get yourself together? Why are you depending on your husband to give you a good life instead of thinking about what you can do to better yourself to support you and your kids?

[RealConfused]

Why did you two continue having children if your financial situation is so bleak?

 

I should have waited. It wasn't the best decision. I can't make my kids disappear, but that doesn't mean the rest of my life should be miserable.

[RealConfused]

Have you thought of divorcing him? Where do your relatives live? Can you and your children stay with them while you get yourself together? Why are you depending on your husband to give you a good life instead of thinking about what you can do to better yourself to support you and your kids?

 

As I've mentioned, I've been the primary breadwinner for our family. My husband finds employment on and off. We were doing pretty well. But with my last pregnancy, I was on bedrest and out of work for close to a year. With my husband not working, our savings and everything we had basically vanished in front of my eyes. After our lease was over,we had to move in with family and we got stuck in a financial rut. It's hard as hell to get out of it now that I'm working again.

 

I have a decent paying job working for a Doctor. But it's not enough to pull us out of this hole and to take care of my entire family alone, with my husband not being able to find decent work.

 

I was even in school before I was placed on bedrest working toward mu Bachelor's. But I've had to place that on hiatus to work as hard as I can now for my family.

 

I don't want to divorce my.husband, but I'm having bad thoughts and I don't believe it's right to fantasize about other men, so I came here for help.

[RealConfused]

I know someone like you. Apart from the money thing what else is going on?

 

You are waiting for someone to come along with a pot of gold and rescue you from your life, why?

Does your husband help with the children?Is he looking for a job?how does he feel about the situation? Probably feels really emasculated. Less debts is less stress obviously but stuff isn't going to give you companionship or help you raise you're children. What are you doing to help the situation? Maybe seek debt management to work on your budget, have an account that's strictly for saving to move house, even if it only starts out small, buy less and pay off any debts.most people can get out of debt it's just a long road and your have to be committed to getting out and saving.

Is your husband really a loser or are you just going through a hard time?

 

I don't think he's really a loser. We are having a hard time. But it's been this way our entire relationship. I don't know why he has such difficulty finding work, but he does. I work as hard as I can, but I often feel that he's holding me back. I want to be with a man who has a decent job to support himself, his own place, his own means of transportation, and money to be able to buy me nice things.

 

With my husband's lack of income, I have never had additional money to be able to treat myself because all of my money goes to bills.

 

I am still a young person. I want to be able to buy new clothes, shoes, etc. Not expensive items, but just buy something I find nice. I want to still enjoy my life, but oftentimes I can't because I feel so unhappy. I often forget I'm only 24 because I feel like such an old lady.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

As I've mentioned, I've been the primary breadwinner for our family. My husband finds employment on and off. We were doing pretty well. But with my last pregnancy, I was on bedrest and out of work for close to a year. With my husband not working, our savings and everything we had basically vanished in front of my eyes. After our lease was over,we had to move in with family and we got stuck in a financial rut. It's hard as hell to get out of it now that I'm working again.

 

I have a decent paying job working for a Doctor. But it's not enough to pull us out of this hole and to take care of my entire family alone, with my husband not being able to find decent work.

 

I was even in school before I was placed on bedrest working toward mu Bachelor's. But I've had to place that on hiatus to work as hard as I can now for my family.

 

I don't want to divorce my.husband, but I'm having bad thoughts and I don't believe it's right to fantasize about other men, so I came here for help.

 

I am only saying this because I can see you getting a bit annoyed by added questions. I think if you read through the replies given and take time to understand what can be done, as I and others have given possible options for the both of you to try.

 

If he seems so negative doing what he has to alone... you may have to be his mother and show him what he has to do and help look for a path along with him. If finding options, let him pick from what you find. You can't do everything, plus it will make it more difficult and add to the demands of being told to do something. This way he cannot get gravitated by feeling you made him do everything.

 

I think you have enough answers to contemplate and be confident on what choice you take in the matter. Being here on this topic seems to be draining. As I would have stopped at after your recent reply.

[pink_sugar]

Hi OP, you situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband has also had an issue with on and off employment. I've felt a lot of the pressure and this year has been particularly hard on us as I've been in and out of work (no fault of my own) and my husband has been on call for the better part of several months. He stuck with the company as he was promised a stable position with corporate...we'll be finding out if corporate is still going forward with the position this week. Crossing my fingers, otherwise my husband will need to find other work, which worries me as him finding work has been an issue in the past. He's a hardworking guy, but landing new jobs isn't easy for him. We're also staying with family and I'm hoping he gets the new position at work or at least is able to find something else soon. I hear you though, hang in there. You really do need to have a serious talk with your husband though. If he doesn't have any valuable skills, he may need to return to school. In the meantime, he needs to take any job out there to further himself.

[RealConfused]

A huge part of me does feel that if I were to leave my relationship, who would want me because I have 3 kids?

 

But if I were to not be in my relationship anymore, I'd definitely want to be with an older man. About 10 years or so older. I don't relate to anyone my age due to my life experiences and maturity.level.

 

I've never gone to the bar/club, have children, only been with one man my whole life, been married, had my own place at 19, etc. And I'm pretty attractive.

 

Outside of me having children, I don't see why someone who's well to do wouldn't be interested im me.

[pink_sugar]

I don't relate to anyone my age due to my life experiences and maturity.level.

 

I've never gone to the bar/club, have children, only been with one man my whole life, been married, had my own place at 19, etc. And I'm pretty attractive.

 

This is me down to a T....although I don't have any kids. I am 25. With regards to finding someone even though you have 3 kids, we're not in the 1950's anymore and there are plenty of guys out there that will love you and your kids. Like you said, you will probably be looking at older guys since you have a ready made family and a lot of guys your age either aren't ready or will want kids of their own someday...unless you're open to that, you may want to find a guy with kids of his own already or someone who is fine with just being a stepparent.

 

There is no reason you cannot be happy, but try and see if you can make things right with your husband first...marriage counseling or etc.

[carhill]

Yes, we do have faith. We have spoken about having a faith based counselor, but I'm not completely sure my husband is open to that. I don't exactly know how to go about networking, but I can explore our options. We live in a pretty small city.

Good, make an appointment when you can leave the kids with a carer and you have time away from work. H isn't working so he can fit it in. Making the appointment is the first step. Proactive focus.

 

If he says 'no', go anyway. Reach out to the church for assistance. Fellow believers can help you, both with today's needs and with options for H to find work. It's a community. The more people you know, the more opportunities. Also, in many faiths, marriage is strongly supported and you may find resources to improve your marital relations within those contacts. The first one is with the church or place of worship itself. It costs nothing to ask.

 

Fixing this is one step at a time. Someone has to take the first step.

[Clockwork]

Me and my now husband are childhood partners. We met when I was 15 and we fell madly in love. At this point, I'm now 24, we are married, and we have 3 children. But I'm not happy. My husband is still in love with me and treats me great, but he can never seem to find a decent job that pays well to help support our family. Due to this, we are piss poor now. I work, but it's not enough to support us alone. I want to be able to enjoy life, have my own home, be able to buy nice things, but I.can't. It's been this way for a long time now. I recently find myself fantasizing about being with other men who can support me and give me things my husband hasn't been able to. I feel like I may have ruined my life settling down with him. idk.

 

I feel like I'm at the point where I want more. We have family together though. i don't know what to do. Any suggestions or insight from any wise people here?

 

Well, at least you are realizing things now. I worked with a girl who worked full-time. She had two kids, her husband stayed at home with the kids. He was on "disability". Hmmm. Yeah, I met the guy, he could work, he just had a case of laziness. That is not a man. That is not a provider. A real man works for his family. He earns money. Period.

 

 

Now, not everyone is going to be wealthy. But if he is trying to put food on the table by working his butt off then he is no loser. If he isn't even making an attempt, yeah, the guy is a loser.

[jm2013]

You should let him know your feelings. Do not hide them from him. You've got three kids. If you're only concerned about finances the last thing you should be looking for is a divorce. You think you're going to be able to easily shop for a financial supporter who would just love to step into your life and float the bill? More than likely you're going to run into many roadblocks. Acquiring wealth is a lot easier than you think. And splitting over finances isn't the wisest decision with three kids. This is all correctable.

[juicygirl]

You should let him know your feelings. Do not hide them from him. You've got three kids. If you're only concerned about finances the last thing you should be looking for is a divorce. You think you're going to be able to easily shop for a financial supporter who would just love to step into your life and float the bill? More than likely you're going to run into many roadblocks. Acquiring wealth is a lot easier than you think. And splitting over finances isn't the wisest decision with three kids. This is all correctable.

 

I don't think it's anything to do with the money. I'm getting the feeling op doesn't want the guy and the life she created and now wants a way out. All that glitters isn't gold.

You can start saving money when you clear off your debts, it's not going to be easy, no. If you think it's hard now, try being a single mum of three kids. I don't think you want to stay with your husband because people are offering solution but you are suck on this fantasy of a rich guy! Rich men are use to having everything at a 10, so unless you and your life is a 10, I wouldn't bothered.some men won't want a single mum but plus you are young so when your kids are older you'll still be young. Negative you may have to get use to your own company and be single for a while, I wouldn't advice going from one relationship to another when you have children. Maybe leave your husband and stand on your own two feet and find a guy you love, not his wallet.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Bingo! Took the words right out of my mouth. (referring to juicygirl's response above).

 

From what I can see, you're already checked out of the marriage AND thinking of the NEXT guy who'll step into your life and (hopefully) be in a position take care of you and your kids. You're feeling like you've missed out on something because you got married and had kids so young and are now fantasizing about another life, a life you thought you should have had.

 

I'm not necessarily taking your husband's side. I mean, not being able to hold down a job with 3 kids to feed can be very stressful on a marriage and difficult to accept. I get that.

 

I'm all about finding one's happiness even if it means separating from your partner and breaking up a family but only AFTER a couple has turned over every rock (infidelity excluded) to try to and make it work.

 

I'm not sure you've done this and that worries me.

[Turtles]

A huge part of me does feel that if I were to leave my relationship, who would want me because I have 3 kids?

 

But if I were to not be in my relationship anymore, I'd definitely want to be with an older man. About 10 years or so older. I don't relate to anyone my age due to my life experiences and maturity.level.

 

I've never gone to the bar/club, have children, only been with one man my whole life, been married, had my own place at 19, etc. And I'm pretty attractive.

 

Outside of me having children, I don't see why someone who's well to do wouldn't be interested im me.

 

I think there are plenty of divorced men who are in the same boat, hard working, etc.

 

But you want to leave your husband because he is not able to find work easily enough. It's going to be a lot tougher when you are single. You need to pull yourself up first. I understand the resentment but I think you are putting the blame in the wrong place. Life sucks like that sometimes.

 

Now this might be a bit offensive but I am going to be brutally honest because I think that's the most useful advice. You can cheat on your husband, find a "sugar daddy", divorce and get remarried, wait a few years then divorce again and take half his stuff. It sounds like an easy way out, right? Millions of women do it. But I think you will regret selling yourself out like that. You sound like a hard worker and a honest person. Don't be that woman.

[RealConfused]

I don't think it's anything to do with the money. I'm getting the feeling op doesn't want the guy and the life she created and now wants a way out. All that glitters isn't gold.

You can start saving money when you clear off your debts, it's not going to be easy, no. If you think it's hard now, try being a single mum of three kids. I don't think you want to stay with your husband because people are offering solution but you are suck on this fantasy of a rich guy! Rich men are use to having everything at a 10, so unless you and your life is a 10, I wouldn't bothered.some men won't want a single mum but plus you are young so when your kids are older you'll still be young. Negative you may have to get use to your own company and be single for a while, I wouldn't advice going from one relationship to another when you have children. Maybe leave your husband and stand on your own two feet and find a guy you love, not his wallet.

 

I'm not necessarily looking to go right into another relationship. I'm just saying that, in general, I know there are better catches out there...possibly.

 

My husband and I have been together nearly a decade. I've dealt with a lot, outside of the money issues. Although my husband is caring and attentive now, he wasn't always that way. We went through rough times where we'd argue a lot, he put his hands on me, he didn't spend time at home, always leaving me lonely. He's changed and we don't have those issues anymore.

 

But with the issues we have now financially, it makes me feel like I should have possibly left this relationship a long while ago. Although he treats me great now and I'm no longer emotionally suffering, I'm now financially suffering.

 

So, yes, a part of me does resent the bed I made. I feel like I deserve more than I've been given.

 

I'm a simple woman, easy to please. But it's like I feel like I can't be totally happy, for whatever reason, with my husband.

[NJ123]

I'm not necessarily looking to go right into another relationship. I'm just saying that, in general, I know there are better catches out there...possibly.

 

My husband and I have been together nearly a decade. I've dealt with a lot, outside of the money issues. Although my husband is caring and attentive now, he wasn't always that way. We went through rough times where we'd argue a lot, he put his hands on me, he didn't spend time at home, always leaving me lonely. He's changed and we don't have those issues anymore.

 

But with the issues we have now financially, it makes me feel like I should have possibly left this relationship a long while ago. Although he treats me great now and I'm no longer emotionally suffering, I'm now financially suffering.

 

So, yes, a part of me does resent the bed I made. I feel like I deserve more than I've been given.

 

I'm a simple woman, easy to please. But it's like I feel like I can't be totally happy, for whatever reason, with my husband.

 

Just being honest here but your going to have a really rough time finding someone else who will want to be with a 24 year old with 3 kids. You have tons of competition & these older guys with $ will choose other women without kids. It seems you want out of your marriage strictly just so you can try to find a rich guy to provide for you. And that's not going to be easy at all for you in your situation.

Edited September 28, 2014 by NJ123

[pink_sugar]

Just being honest here but your going to have a really rough time finding someone else who will want to be with a 24 year old with 3 kids. It seems you want out of your marriage strictly just so you can try to find a rich guy to provide for you. And that's not going to be easy at all for you in your situation.

 

She might be more limited, but there of plenty of men who will do it. A friend of mine has 3 kids and she's 25. She's dating a guy 13 years older and one of the kids is his, while the 2 others are from different fathers. I can appreciate why the OP wants things to change. She's tired of the inconsistent employment with her husband that isn't allowing them to have a decent quality of life. I've been there. I've struggled with money for the last 7 years and it doesn't seem like there's ever an end in sight.

[heartshaped]

I had a friend in a similar, but different situation. I am going to tell you the same thing I told her.

 

I have no idea what you think you have to gain by leaving your husband.

 

You think you have difficulties now? Try being a single mom of three small children.

 

It seems to me that you resent this whole life you've created for yourself. Well, I'm sorry, but the truth is you can't go back now and undo any of this and divorcing isn't going to improve your quality of life.

 

You are living in a fantasy land if you think some guy is just going to ride in on a white horse and save you.

 

If anything, your focus should be on motivating your husband to get off his *** and get a job. Even a minimum wage job at this point, but I'm guessing the reason he doesn't take a minimum wage job is because of the cost of childcare no? Methinks the missing piece to this puzzle is he watches the kids all day while you work and he can only work opposite shifts to you or a higher paying job because you cannot afford childcare unless he makes more.

[Friskyone4u]

You are starting down a slippery slope where you are going to look for an affair and justify it because your husband can't provide you with the finer things you want. If you think you have problems now, wait until you see what your life will be like with three kids and being a single mom. You'll have plenty of men willing to have sex with you , not that many willing to take on three of someone else's kids.

If you are that unhappy, which is OK , divorce your husband and find the man of your dreams. That is much more likely to happen that way that to become someone's sex toy and go sneaking around and blaming it on your husband.

Be honest with yourself and him

[RealConfused]

Just being honest here but your going to have a really rough time finding someone else who will want to be with a 24 year old with 3 kids. You have tons of competition & these older guys with $ will choose other women without kids. It seems you want out of your marriage strictly just so you can try to find a rich guy to provide for you. And that's not going to be easy at all for you in your situation.

 

I don't believe I made myself clear. I'm also uncertain as to whether or not you've read everything I typed.

 

I've been in my current relationship, which is the only relationship I've ever been in, for nearly a decade. So, if for any reason I'm no longer in my marriage, I would NOT immediately begin seeking a relationship with some one else.

 

The only thing I'm expressing is: my relationship has not been satisfactory up to this point. Initially, my husband wasn't there for me emotionally, had anger issues, treated me poorly, and couldn't keep a job to save his life. Now, he is a better man to me in our relationship, but he still can't meet me halfway financially.

 

This causes me to reevaluate my life. Yes, I have children, but I'm wondering if everything I've experienced with my husband is all my life will ever be. I don't want to continue living this way. I've encouraged him for years to find work. I've gone as far to apply for him myself.

 

I don't want another man. Just because of my life, I recently find myself fantasizing about other people, what it would be like to live differently, not "rich", but different.

[RealConfused]

I had a friend in a similar, but different situation. I am going to tell you the same thing I told her.

 

I have no idea what you think you have to gain by leaving your husband.

 

You think you have difficulties now? Try being a single mom of three small children.

 

It seems to me that you resent this whole life you've created for yourself. Well, I'm sorry, but the truth is you can't go back now and undo any of this and divorcing isn't going to improve your quality of life.

 

You are living in a fantasy land if you think some guy is just going to ride in on a white horse and save you.

 

If anything, your focus should be on motivating your husband to get off his *** and get a job. Even a minimum wage job at this point, but I'm guessing the reason he doesn't take a minimum wage job is because of the cost of childcare no? Methinks the missing piece to this puzzle is he watches the kids all day while you work and he can only work opposite shifts to you or a higher paying job because you cannot afford childcare unless he makes more.

 

I don't want a man to "ride in and save me".

 

I really don't see what the difference would be. I've been taking care of our family by myself for all this time. Because my husband doesn't work, he watches the children. But we do have a designated family member who watches our children for free/little to nothing. A babysitter/costs of childcare is not a concern.

 

Additionally, I've encouraged my husband to find work. I've helped him apply for jobs, worked on his resume. But he can't find work or gain permanent employment. I've consistently worked and all I'm asking is if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone that they hold their own.

 

I made a lot of mistakes being young. But now that I'm getting older, mature, I'm realizing what I want out of life. I am finally taking charge of my life and ready to move in a better direction. That's all I'm saying. Idk if things will ever get better. I was doing better at the beginning, but my husband and his economic trouble has brought me way down. I've never been this bad off.

 

And now, our sex life is suffering. I'm so stressed out and uninterested in sex.