Realized my husband is a loser.

[goodyblue]

I don't want a man to "ride in and save me".

 

I really don't see what the difference would be. I've been taking care of our family by myself for all this time. Because my husband doesn't work, he watches the children. But we do have a designated family member who watches our children for free/little to nothing. A babysitter/costs of childcare is not a concern.

 

Additionally, I've encouraged my husband to find work. I've helped him apply for jobs, worked on his resume. But he can't find work or gain permanent employment. I've consistently worked and all I'm asking is if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone that they hold their own.

 

I made a lot of mistakes being young. But now that I'm getting older, mature, I'm realizing what I want out of life. I am finally taking charge of my life and ready to move in a better direction. That's all I'm saying. Idk if things will ever get better. I was doing better at the beginning, but my husband and his economic trouble has brought me way down. I've never been this bad off.

 

And now, our sex life is suffering. I'm so stressed out and uninterested in sex.

 

It may not happen a lot, but I am with a guy 7 years older than I. He is well off, we have been together for some time and are ridiculously happy. I did not count on it, I mad my own way, but it did happen, he is wonderful. And I have six kids. He loves them like they are his own and they are absolutely in love with him.

[Appreciate]

Jesus Christ already.. just tell him you are going to leave him if he doesn't find a job and it's affecting your attraction to him. Talk to him in a way a man can interpret: an ultimatum. Get off these internet boards. Woman up and tell him and stop acting like you are carrying the family load. If he's watching the children then he's doing something. That's a full-time job according to most moms. It's not like he is sitting on the couch drinking beer.

[heartshaped]

I don't want a man to "ride in and save me".

 

I really don't see what the difference would be. I've been taking care of our family by myself for all this time. Because my husband doesn't work, he watches the children. But we do have a designated family member who watches our children for free/little to nothing. A babysitter/costs of childcare is not a concern.

 

Additionally, I've encouraged my husband to find work. I've helped him apply for jobs, worked on his resume. But he can't find work or gain permanent employment. I've consistently worked and all I'm asking is if I'm going to be in a relationship with someone that they hold their own.

 

I made a lot of mistakes being young. But now that I'm getting older, mature, I'm realizing what I want out of life. I am finally taking charge of my life and ready to move in a better direction. That's all I'm saying. Idk if things will ever get better. I was doing better at the beginning, but my husband and his economic trouble has brought me way down. I've never been this bad off.

 

And now, our sex life is suffering. I'm so stressed out and uninterested in sex.

 

If you don't see what the difference would be why divorce at all? What have you to gain? You say you take care of your family yourself, but concede your husband watches the children..that dear is not taking care of the family entirely by yourself. It's like if the shoe was on the other foot and you were a SAHM and your husband came on here complaining that he did everything and you did nothing.

 

Is it that your husband can't find work or he won't? I think there is a key difference there. If he literally cannot find work I don't know what you expect the man to do. But I don't see why he cannot find a minimum wage job flipping burgers if that's even what it comes to if the cost of childcare is not a concern.

 

Also, the part about your husband's economic trouble, does he have bills of his own that are somehow contributing to your current financial situation? Because with or without him you would still have rent, utility bills, food expenses, etc.

[waterwoman]

What would childcare cost for three kids? If he is a SAHP he is worth quite a bit just for that alone. When ours were small it was only viable for h to work shifts so that we paid for fewer hours with day care.

 

I sympathise though. I have always earned more, have been the financial backbone of my family, supported h through teacher training. We are doing ok now but still not well-off. There have been times when I felt like you do - I wanted to stamp my feet and shout 'its not fair!' But that won't fix anything.

 

You need to be very very clear with your h. Spell it out in words of one syllable. Get. A. Job! Even if, for now its stacking shelves or cleaning offices at night. You are stressed and resentful and that damages marriages.

 

Oh and by the way, forget the sugar daddy fantasy. Ain't going to happen and if it did there would be a catch.

[NJ123]

I don't believe I made myself clear. I'm also uncertain as to whether or not you've read everything I typed.

 

I've been in my current relationship, which is the only relationship I've ever been in, for nearly a decade. So, if for any reason I'm no longer in my marriage, I would NOT immediately begin seeking a relationship with some one else.

 

The only thing I'm expressing is: my relationship has not been satisfactory up to this point. Initially, my husband wasn't there for me emotionally, had anger issues, treated me poorly, and couldn't keep a job to save his life. Now, he is a better man to me in our relationship, but he still can't meet me halfway financially.

 

This causes me to reevaluate my life. Yes, I have children, but I'm wondering if everything I've experienced with my husband is all my life will ever be. I don't want to continue living this way. I've encouraged him for years to find work. I've gone as far to apply for him myself.

 

I don't want another man. Just because of my life, I recently find myself fantasizing about other people, what it would be like to live differently, not "rich", but different.

 

Well, than you need to either stick with your husband & try to work things out or get a divorce. You flat out call him a loser in the topic title & are fantasizing about being with other people. You obviously don't respect him at all anymore.

[SawtoothMars]

A huge part of me does feel that if I were to leave my relationship, who would want me because I have 3 kids?

 

Outside of me having children, I don't see why someone who's well to do wouldn't be interested im me.

 

There are tons of guys who would love to have a chance with a single mom of 3 beautiful kids. We call them child molesters.

 

Look, I'm doing very well financially. I struggled until sometime around 26 then something just clicked.

 

I personally would not be willing to leave the mother of my children just because she doesn't hold a job well. I would look down on any person who did walk away for that reason. Most Americans would agree with me that if you want more money... make it yourself.

 

I'm not necessarily looking to go right into another relationship. I'm just saying that, in general, I know there are better catches out there...possibly.

 

My husband and I have been together nearly a decade. I've dealt with a lot, outside of the money issues. Although my husband is caring and attentive now, he wasn't always that way. We went through rough times where we'd argue a lot, he put his hands on me, he didn't spend time at home, always leaving me lonely. He's changed and we don't have those issues anymore.

 

So, yes, a part of me does resent the bed I made. I feel like I deserve more than I've been given.

 

I'm a simple woman, easy to please. But it's like I feel like I can't be totally happy, for whatever reason, with my husband.

 

You just sound bored with your husband and wanting to experiment with other men. I would advise you to head for divorce... but you have kids and that really isn't fair to them at all.

 

Also... your overall attitude bothers me. It's like there is an expectation that other people need to provide you stuff vs. you working for them. I was butt poor at your age. Hell, I lived in a damn car for half a year. After that I realized people were not just going to give me stuff... so I started working for it and not complaining. Today I am doing very well.

 

The only thing I'm expressing is: my relationship has not been satisfactory up to this point. Initially, my husband wasn't there for me emotionally, had anger issues, treated me poorly, and couldn't keep a job to save his life. Now, he is a better man to me in our relationship, but he still can't meet me halfway financially.

This causes me to reevaluate my life. Yes, I have children, but I'm wondering if everything I've experienced with my husband is all my life will ever be. I don't want to continue living this way. I've encouraged him for years to find work. I've gone as far to apply for him myself.

 

Essentially you have only had vanilla.... and now you want to try some other flavors. I'm a guy... I get that. Are you willing to hurt your family just to try out your options?

[BeholdtheMan]

i don't know what to do

 

Call him a loser to his face. He'll make the decision for you.

[SawtoothMars]

Oh... One last point!

 

Decline of marriage: Pew shows there aren't enough marriageable men.

 

A husband with a full time job just is not in the cards for a woman under 30. Colleges have been 65% female for damn near a decade and the number of men who are capable of performing in our new economy is very low.

 

I think it's stupid for women to cling to traditionalist values when feminism has changed the landscape dramatically. My cousin is 25, college educated and with a good job. He will likely never marry because women line up around the block for him. The kid keeps 2-3 girlfriends at any given moment because frankly... the other guys didn't have a chance to attend college.

 

This does play out slightly different in small towns, but the overall trend is inescapable.

[BeholdtheMan]

OP has been dodging an important question:

 

Does her husband try very hard to get and keep work (albeit unsuccessfully)...or is he lazy and unmotivated?

 

This is a critical issue.

 

Furthermore, as has been pointed out, taking care of the 3 young children is a major contribution to the family. Yeah...I guess you could have a relative do it, but a stay-at-home parent is better than having a relative babysit.

 

Does he do a good job taking care of the kids? If he does, calling him a loser is very cruel on your part.

 

As someone has pointed out, he'd probably be working but he has to take care of the kids and the jobs he's able to get as a high school graduate don't pay enough to cover childcare for three young kids.

 

I think you should put yourself in his shoes. However, if he's putting no effort into getting a better paying job (i.e. he's lazy and unmotivated career-wise), then yeah...I feel for you.

[pink_sugar]

Oh... One last point!

 

Decline of marriage: Pew shows there aren't enough marriageable men.

 

A husband with a full time job just is not in the cards for a woman under 30. Colleges have been 65% female for damn near a decade and the number of men who are capable of performing in our new economy is very low.

 

I think it's stupid for women to cling to traditionalist values when feminism has changed the landscape dramatically. My cousin is 25, college educated and with a good job. He will likely never marry because women line up around the block for him. The kid keeps 2-3 girlfriends at any given moment because frankly... the other guys didn't have a chance to attend college.

 

This does play out slightly different in small towns, but the overall trend is inescapable.

 

Most people I know in their early to mid twenties don't make a whole lot in this day and age, but there are those lucky few.

[RealConfused]

There are tons of guys who would love to have a chance with a single mom of 3 beautiful kids. We call them child molesters.

 

Look, I'm doing very well financially. I struggled until sometime around 26 then something just clicked.

 

I personally would not be willing to leave the mother of my children just because she doesn't hold a job well. I would look down on any person who did walk away for that reason. Most Americans would agree with me that if you want more money... make it yourself.

 

 

 

You just sound bored with your husband and wanting to experiment with other men. I would advise you to head for divorce... but you have kids and that really isn't fair to them at all.

 

Also... your overall attitude bothers me. It's like there is an expectation that other people need to provide you stuff vs. you working for them. I was butt poor at your age. Hell, I lived in a damn car for half a year. After that I realized people were not just going to give me stuff... so I started working for it and not complaining. Today I am doing very well.

 

 

 

Essentially you have only had vanilla.... and now you want to try some other flavors. I'm a guy... I get that. Are you willing to hurt your family just to try out your options?

 

I'm not bored with my husband. I love him; he's my best friend.

 

And idk if you've read my posts, but I've been working very hard and have gotten better jobs to support us. I also enrolled in school. I don't want my husband to 100% support me. All I want is 50/50. So, you're saying that I should continue working, going to school, make more money and then.what? That doesn't solve my issue. I won't be bad off, but my husband still won't be earning.income.

 

Having a parent home is great, but its a luxury for most families. Right now, because we have a babysitter, he needs to be working.

 

He does apply, but can never land a permanent job. Am I supposed to continue staying with someone who can't help guarantee a bright future for our family? I want to be with him, but not this way.

 

If you go to read all of my responses, you may have a better idea of where I'm cominh from.

 

I'm not going to cheat. I've gone through much worse with my husband and I didnt cheat then. I just need the dynamics of our family to change.

[Got it]

I'm not bored with my husband. I love him; he's my best friend.

 

And idk if you've read my posts, but I've been working very hard and have gotten better jobs to support us. I also enrolled in school. I don't want my husband to 100% support me. All I want is 50/50. So, you're saying that I should continue working, going to school, make more money and then.what? That doesn't solve my issue. I won't be bad off, but my husband still won't be earning.income.

 

Having a parent home is great, but its a luxury for most families. Right now, because we have a babysitter, he needs to be working.

 

He does apply, but can never land a permanent job. Am I supposed to continue staying with someone who can't help guarantee a bright future for our family? I want to be with him, but not this way.

 

If you go to read all of my responses, you may have a better idea of where I'm cominh from.

 

I'm not going to cheat. I've gone through much worse with my husband and I didnt cheat then. I just need the dynamics of our family to change.

 

RC - the one extremely important difference between you and Saw, is he was penniless but fancy free. You and your husband have children and that is a game changer. Being poor but accountable to no one is one thing. Having children whom are depended on you for house and home and food are going to need both parents to step up and be adults.

[SawtoothMars]

I'm not bored with my husband. I love him; he's my best friend.

And idk if you've read my posts, but I've been working very hard and have gotten better jobs to support us. I also enrolled in school. I don't want my husband to 100% support me. All I want is 50/50. So, you're saying that I should continue working, going to school, make more money and then.what? That doesn't solve my issue. I won't be bad off, but my husband still won't be earning.income.

Having a parent home is great, but its a luxury for most families. Right now, because we have a babysitter, he needs to be working.

He does apply, but can never land a permanent job. Am I supposed to continue staying with someone who can't help guarantee a bright future for our family? I want to be with him, but not this way.

If you go to read all of my responses, you may have a better idea of where I'm cominh from.

I'm not going to cheat. I've gone through much worse with my husband and I didnt cheat then. I just need the dynamics of our family to change.

 

I'm saying you should give up on the 50/50 stuff. Consider him a house-husband and you make the money.

 

Look, you seem like you want some kind of 1990's style relationship. That boat sailed years ago. This is 2010 and if you are not comfortable being the ONLY one working, then build yourself a time machine. Otherwise you should focus on your career and just pray that something in the economy shifts and guys can start working again. You realize that some communities have over 50% unemployment for men under 30? Also... our higher education system is 65% female... very few guys get to attend college.

 

I don't think you are a bad person... but you just seem to be focused on controlling a world that is out of your control. My advice is to accept reality and work for something better that is achievable.

[SJS]

Is he chronically unemployed or just a job hopper?

 

 

Why do you have a babysitter right now if he's not working?

[BeholdtheMan]

This is 2010

 

Mind = Blown

[GildedLily]

A huge part of me does feel that if I were to leave my relationship, who would want me because I have 3 kids?

 

But if I were to not be in my relationship anymore, I'd definitely want to be with an older man. About 10 years or so older. I don't relate to anyone my age due to my life experiences and maturity.level.

 

I've never gone to the bar/club, have children, only been with one man my whole life, been married, had my own place at 19, etc. And I'm pretty attractive.

 

Outside of me having children, I don't see why someone who's well to do wouldn't be interested im me.

 

Sadly, this is true. Most well to do men want their own children, and if they are interested in you it could well be they are actually interested (too interested) in your children. What would divorcing him accomplish exactly? At least right now they have a loving father. Why not just switch roles entirely and you stay the breadwinner and he can be a stay at home dad. Trust me this fantasy of finding a wealthy man just won't pan out for you.

[GildedLily]

She might be more limited, but there of plenty of men who will do it. A friend of mine has 3 kids and she's 25. She's dating a guy 13 years older and one of the kids is his, while the 2 others are from different fathers. I can appreciate why the OP wants things to change. She's tired of the inconsistent employment with her husband that isn't allowing them to have a decent quality of life. I've been there. I've struggled with money for the last 7 years and it doesn't seem like there's ever an end in sight.

 

So he knocked her up and didn't marry her and this is what the op could have if she divorced her husband? Sounds like hell.

[SawtoothMars]

Mind = Blown

 

Oops... I was referencing the decade not the exact year.

[SawtoothMars]

RC - the one extremely important difference between you and Saw, is he was penniless but fancy free. You and your husband have children and that is a game changer. Being poor but accountable to no one is one thing. Having children whom are depended on you for house and home and food are going to need both parents to step up and be adults.

 

Disagree. My cousins were raised in the poorest family I've ever seen. They didn't have running water for 3 years! My aunt worked and my uncle just did handyman odd jobs under the table.

 

Both kids are highly successful, emotionally stable, college grads. One is planning to launch his own software company next year.

 

My point is that kids need loving parents... not money. Statistics show that kids with non-divorced parents perform better at everything even when raised miserably poor. Kids with divorced parents do mediocre in the middle class... and account for the majority of all generational poverty when raised poor.

[pink_sugar]

So he knocked her up and didn't marry her and this is what the op could have if she divorced her husband? Sounds like hell.

 

The point is that she found someone who case for her and wants to help her raise her other children and love them as his own.

[JS84]

I'm not sure how realistic you're being if you expect a man with only a high school education to go out and land a permanent/reliable job/career that's on par with $16 an hour. It's hard enough for people with college degrees to get a decent paying job these days let alone someone with only a high school degree and a spotty employment record.

 

I think it goes without saying you both made some pretty unwise life decisions. Like someone else said, you need to tell your husband he either needs to get his **** together or you two need to re-evaluate your marriage. And to be honest unless he learns a trade or goes back to school (in a field with good job prospects, do your research), his prospects for gainful employment are not great.

 

And as far as dating is concerned, ya a woman in her early-mid 20s with 3 kids and divorced is not going to have men beating down her door for a serious relationship. For men out there who do have their career, finances, and lifestyle in order it's just not going to happen. But there are some men out there who don't have a problem with that. I know a couple of guys like that. I think they're rare though.

 

I wish I could give you some more positive feedback but I really think for the time being you're stuck in your situation. Wish you the best of luck though. One positive thing is you're still pretty young (I say this at the ripe old age of 30 lol). You still have a lot of time for your life to move in a more positive direction.

[Cristo]

Just being honest here but your going to have a really rough time finding someone else who will want to be with a 24 year old with 3 kids. You have tons of competition & these older guys with $ will choose other women without kids. It seems you want out of your marriage strictly just so you can try to find a rich guy to provide for you. And that's not going to be easy at all for you in your situation.

 

I actually disagree with this. A single mother with 3 children recently hit on me and I turned her down. Not 10 days later, she found another guy and is now dating him.

 

It is very easy for women to find men here. Not so for men. Don't underestimate a man's desperation to find a woman, any woman.

 

My prediction is that OP will find a man that will provide for her and she will do it very easily.

[atreides]

a lot has been said, so i will simply say this. blaming your husband is not going to get you anywhere. I have not read that he is a bad guy or has any real severe vices to deal with.

 

The only issue here is money and a job... this means you need to create opportunities.

First, if you really are living in a roach infested home and clothes as i read are of "re-used lives" as they say your debts should then take a back seat.

 

Create opportunity and stop blaming your husband... as with the opportunities you create, you will have time to decide what you want later, but blame is not priority. You have 3 little ones and need to change and break the limbo, even if that means dragging an unemployed spouse. I have been there, at bankruptcy which is something you may need to look into. I chose to settle my debts, got sued a few times but 4 years later I was out.

Depending on your state you could do it in as little as 3 years..

 

Get government help, WIC, food stamps and since you are not paying the debts ( i know it sounds scary but many of us have done this) but settling, you can use the the income to get no credit or bad credit application based apartments. Stabilize first and then make decisions about your marriage later. There are many stories here on LS where one spouse did everything while the other went to school or was sick or simply could not find a job.

 

You can do this, but wallowing and "woe is me" and especially blaming your husband is not the way. Do it for your kids, do it for you and the future of your marriage... your husband does not sound like a bad guy... don't add to the stress of yourself or his... create opportunities... prioritize, debt takes a back seat to food and shelter and especially raising kids.

[Diezel]

I'm just saying that, in general, I know there are better catches out there...possibly.

 

This is going to be brutally honest and borderline mean...

 

But this is what you need to hear from a male perspective.

You may think there are better catches out there, but how seriously do you think those "better catches" are going to take you when it comes to "providing" for you when you have 3 kids in tow at the age of 24?

 

Quite frankly, and this is just me personally, I wouldn't even think of embarking on an LTR with you because of the young age and the various children.

 

And just as I have this opinion, I am sure other men will as well. So don't think that just because there are options out there, that those options will welcome you with open arms.

 

Your husband might be a "loser" financially, but there are plenty of other fathers/husbands who are absent from their families' lives. Take this into consideration and what I said before.

 

Your husband definitely needs a fire lit underneath his ass though.

[Thegameoflife]

What you're dealing with is your instincts. A woman's mind is geared to seek out a mate that will give her security. What is happening is that your subconscious which is driven by your instincts, is waging a war against your conscious mind. You aren't getting security with your husband so your brain is creating negative feelings towards him so that you'll seek out a mate with more security. Women need both financial and emotional security. If a women makes great money, then she'll probably only need emotional security.

 

Without these securities, a woman's brain will start creating thoughts and feelings that are negative until the mind justifies going against everything else. For most women, this is where the seed of infidelity starts. You're thinking about new men and leaving simply because you're a human female, and this is your nature to do so in such a situation.

 

The rational response is to either seek out ways of improving your income, or letting him know he needs to create security for you or you will find it elsewhere. If you have given him a chance and encouraged him to do this already, then it is time to leave. If you do nothing, eventually your subconscious will win out and you'll probably cheat with a man that fills your need.