Realized my husband is a loser.

[The Like Fairy]

Me and my now husband are childhood partners. We met when I was 15 and we fell madly in love. At this point, I'm now 24, we are married, and we have 3 children. But I'm not happy. My husband is still in love with me and treats me great, but he can never seem to find a decent job that pays well to help support our family. Due to this, we are piss poor now. I work, but it's not enough to support us alone. I want to be able to enjoy life, have my own home, be able to buy nice things, but I.can't. It's been this way for a long time now. I recently find myself fantasizing about being with other men who can support me and give me things my husband hasn't been able to. I feel like I may have ruined my life settling down with him. idk.

 

I feel like I'm at the point where I want more. We have family together though. i don't know what to do. Any suggestions or insight from any wise people here?

 

Just read your intial post. You are so young, you can leave him and have that great life you always wanted. You married too young, had kids too young.

 

You will need to seek higher education and training to support yourself. So that is a long term plan you need to begin taking steps and moving forward on.

 

There are a few great career paths that make great money and don't take 4 years to train for - in the medical field. Call your local community college to find out what is offered. Good luck

[The Like Fairy]

And - lastly - tell your husband your plans. He deserves to know that you are not happy and want more. See if there are ways you can work together to get this life you want and it may be possible to strive together towards those goals.

 

I just read Carrie's first post in this thread - a really spot on post.

 

The only thing I would add is that it all depends as to whether or not you should tell your husband about your plans.

 

In many cases, it is not wise to do so.

 

Only you know (and sometimes, you really DON'T know for sure) if he is the type to give you alot of grief, trouble, misery, or even put you or the kids in danger. So keep that in mind and good luck with whatever decision you make

[Got it]

I told him I want counseling and he doesn't want to do it, sees it as a waste of time. He believes in lieu of counseling you shoukd just "be honest with yourself".

 

I wouldn't make my decision based on the internet. If so, I would have left years ago after my relationship got physical and I posted online about it.

 

Okay, you can't force him to go but that doesn't stop you from going. My ex husband said the same. So I went to therapy. I told him I needed us to go, he refused. Eventually I was done and said I wanted a divorce. He then offered to go to therapy, which we did, but I was done.

 

You can put down expectations and requirements for both parties to move to a better relationship and if he chooses not to met them you are allowed to divorce.

 

You are allowed to divorce period. You do not need his okay or approval. You may never get it. You do need his okay and commitment to work towards a better marriage. That takes both parties working hard.

[LostInTheWild]

I am absolutely amazed at how many people jumped on you in this thread. I hope you've taken the advice you've needed to hear and use it wisely. Only you know what advice is most relevant to your situation.

 

I'm all for traditional family values and such, but I would never stay with a man who couldn't hold down a job. At some point, that kind of crap breeds resentment and it just festers and festers. It doesn't get better and no matter how many conversations you have with him about this, the only person who can turn his situation around is HIM. If a person wants to change, they'll change. If they don't, they will continue doing whatever it is that makes THEM happy. And I have, unlike a lot of people here, read your comments. I see how you are confused and torn.

 

I cannot believe that you applied for jobs for HIM. HE needs to be the one taking responsibility for his lazy ass and applying for jobs himself. This reminded me of something. When I was with my ex, we first moved in together and he worked full-time. I, however, did not and went to college full-time. I had a steady income though. I split bills with him and he paid for most things that we considered to be fun. I didn't want to work at that point in time, but I felt bad seeing him go off and work so hard. I didn't want to change and although he never asked me to work, I soon got sick of relying on his income, and mine soon became unsteady.

 

What did I do? I found a job! Duh! I went to a temp agency and they got a gig for me in a couple of weeks, knowing I was looking for permanent work. At first, I sold crappy lotions at a Costco, worked for a mail order center during a busy holiday season, filled in for a sick guy for a while (secretly hoped he never came back, well, he did), and then I had a dry spell. A long one, for about a month. One day I received a call from them for a job *I* applied to on their site. I got it. Temp-to-hire. Two promotions later, single, holding my own (barely, but I'm doing it), and I've yet to touch the glass ceiling.

 

Why did this work? Because I wanted to do it. I wanted a better life for us (at the time). I didn't want anyone I love to struggle. *I* made this happen. Not one person did it for me. Ask, reach, and work for it and you shall receive. My ex never had the opportunity to call me a loser because I worked my ass off. He never had the opportunity to feel badly about finances because we never wanted for anything. He didn't seem to like, however, that I was beginning to surpass him financially.

 

But my point is, my story is what I call drive. You seem to have it and not one person should bring you down because you've got it. Not one. He is dead weight if he is not making attempts to find some kind of job to help better your situation. Roaches? EW! I would have left him and stayed with ma and pa. You kidding me? No way!

 

I know you love him. I know you really do. But if he doesn't want to TRY...that's your future for you and in another 10 years you can come back to this site crying about how you've made your bed and you're lying in it or you can get out there, be a single mother, and find your own way which can (CAN) lead to Mr. Right.

 

Which leads me to say this - there are plenty of men out there who would date you with three children. Plenty! I cannot believe there are so many people here telling you that basically you've ruined your life by having children. Those are the same people who smile through their teeth and say, "I'm happy I have children. I love them!"

 

You are not worthless because you have three children. It only makes you more aware when you date and it puts up some hurdles that the right guy would be willing to leap over to be with you. I won't lie, it might never happen. But it certainly could. He might not have all the money in the world but you could find a guy who would never BEAT you, CHOKE you, LEAVE you, and he might even be more AMBITIOUS than you. Everyone is entitled to have a caring partner in a relationship. I don't care if you have no kids or 80 kids. Healthy is healthy...but first I think you need to find yourself before you cross that bridge. Before you cross it, dump the dead weight into the creek and keep moving because nothing will motivate him to change unless he wants it to.

 

Nobody should have to live in filthy conditions all for love. If ya ain't happy...change it.

[bathtub-row]

I guess it doesn't need to be said again that having kids at such a young age wasn't your best move. Most people don't ever think about what it means to have a family and all that it entails.

 

If I were you, I would lose respect for a man like this, too. I don't hold to the idea that making a living should be 50/50. I know a lot of people love to think that way -- especially men -- but the truth is, women do not respect a man who can't provide for them. This is a basic instinct for women -- to feel cared for and to know that the man will keep her and their children safe, sheltered, and nourished. As you already discovered, when you were ill, you couldn't even depend on him then. A lot of women are happy to work but very few of them like to feel like they HAVE to work. This argument goes on and on and on on this site in endless proportions and all the talk in the world will not change this basic fact.

 

So, this most basic instinct has caused you to lose respect for your husband and it's understandable. He does not make you feel safe and you and your children are living in one tiny room, among roaches. Even worse, you see no end to this nightmare. I can't imagine why you've lost respect for him.

 

I have a 24 yr old son who was raised by me -- a single mom -- so when I ask why men have lost their masculinity and desire to provide for their wife and kids, I come up with no answer, because I know a lot of people like to blame it on kids being raised by single parents. My son would consider it an insult if his wife had to work. He is his own person and isn't the least bit confused about women's lib. He wouldn't care one way or another if his wife worked or not. He wants her to be educated and smart but he sees it as his job to take care of his family. This is his belief to his core. Anything else would be an insult to him. His life isn't riddled with bad relationships, either, and I'm sure when he does marry, he will be a wonderful and fun-loving husband. Most of the men I know who are in happy relationships have this basic belief.

 

I don't know what the answer is to your problem except that you're probably going to be forced to pull yourself out of this nightmare on your own. Living the way your are now is unacceptable. Whether you choose to stay with your husband or not, I think it's clear that he's not someone you'll ever be able to depend on. The truth is, if you're living with his family and these are the conditions they live in, then he's probably used to that and thinks it's normal. My guess is that he doesn't aspire to anything higher. You're in a tough spot because even if you leave him and want to find another guy, you've got 3 kids which can become an issue. Not everyone is going to be up for that. That's not to say you wouldn't be able to find anyone, it's just not going to be that easy. It would be great if your husband would just get his act together. Knowing human nature, though, that's probably not going to happen.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would eventually leave and go it on my own. If a great guy came along, wonderful. If not, I'd be ok with that, too.

Edited October 9, 2014 by bathtub-row