Realized my husband is a loser.

[regret143]

Every good job you think he should pursue to make a better living for you, is also available for you.

If it matters so much for you to have money, why dont you go out there and make more money? Is it hard for you? So it is for him.

[CarrieT]

RealConfused, I get it. I totally get it...

 

I was there and it is not that your husband is a "loser" but that you have begun to grow - as I indicated you would now that you are coming out of your early 20s - and are seeing your husband as a man who has no long-term potential.

 

He is not growing or doing whatever he can to care for his family. It is not necessarily financial, although that is an aspect of it, isn't it? I was there with the guy I met and fell in love with in my late 20s. At that time, he wore jeans and t-shirts and played guitar. But 11 years later, as I approached my 40th birthday, I was the one working three jobs to keep us afloat while he was still only in jeans and t-shirts and unable to get any job beyond being a night-stock clerk at Target.

 

The difference is that I never had children so it was easier for me to leave that relationship even though it took 11 years to do it. But I have a feeling you will have to do the same thing: Leave the relationship because you believe he will never attain that level of drive and success that you are starting to acquire for yourself. THAT is what you want to be 50/50, isn't it? Not just the bottom line of the amount of money he brings in, but his drive and motivation for life?

 

If he is your best friend, you should be able to have this discussion with him. You should be able to be completely open and honest with him about this. I did so with my Ex too many times. There were too many promises on him trying harder, but it never amounted to anything before the straw on my back finally broke. Mine was a car accident that I was in but because my BF didn't have a driver's license (which he promised he would get), he couldn't come to the hospital to pick me up. I had to take a cab home and the subsequent convalescence was made that much harder because my BF couldn't drive.

 

I believe this is what will happen to you; there will be an incident - and I hope not a traumatic one - where YOU will be the one who has to pick up the pieces for your family because your husband can't. Something will happen that will cost a lot of money and the shoulder of responsibility will be on you to manage it when, traditionally, it would be something a husband could/should take care of...

[Adele0908]

A huge part of me does feel that if I were to leave my relationship, who would want me because I have 3 kids?

 

But if I were to not be in my relationship anymore, I'd definitely want to be with an older man. About 10 years or so older. I don't relate to anyone my age due to my life experiences and maturity.level.

 

I've never gone to the bar/club, have children, only been with one man my whole life, been married, had my own place at 19, etc. And I'm pretty attractive.

 

Outside of me having children, I don't see why someone who's well to do wouldn't be interested im me.

 

You can have anything you want in life. Don't listen to the naysayers. Believe in yourself! Look how you supported your whole family and how strong you've been. If your husband is bringing you down, making you feel like you're carrying dead weight, let him go. Life is too short. You married when you were young and inexperienced with men. It takes time and experience to know what you want. There ARE great men out there for you. There are job opportunities out there for you. Speak it into existence.

[veggirl]

I don't get it. If you were a SAHM no one would bat an eye. Your husband is a SAHD. Who will watch the kids if he starts working full-time? Since you guys don't live off of much income can't you get grants, scholarships, etc and go back to school full-time so you can find better work afterwards? Do you want to stay home w/ the kids instead of him? Can he get the grants etc and go to school while you stay home? I think saying "just leave!" is AWFULLY dramatic when it's a marriage and there doesn't seem to be abuse or anything like that, but I DO think that basically giving him an ultimatum is fine, tell him that you HAVE BEEN considering what to do because you are so unhappy. Have you told him this before??

Edited October 4, 2014 by veggirl

[RealConfused]

Everyone, PLEASE READ THIS. I don't feel most of you have been reading my replies.

 

I have worked hard and will continue to do so. I don't want anyone else to do it for me! I've been consistently employed and have paid 90% of our bills/expenses. I have done this, all the while my husband has been employed on and off. Did I like it? No. But I did it and didn't seriously think of leaving him. We were fine financially, given our situation. However, early last year, I became pregnant and was terribly ill. I was no longer physically able to work. So, I was on bedrest for most of my pregnancy.

 

At this time, my husband lost his job and was out of work the entire time I was on bedrest. We had no income coming in and had to rely on savings and family to pay our bills. It was very difficult and it started making me very upset because this one time I really needed my husband to support me, he couldn't..at all.

 

Then we had to move in with his mom. There are other family members living here with their kids too. It's roach infested, not very clean. His sisters talk crap about me. It's just not a good environment. I can live with my family, but my husband would not be welcome.

 

I don't want him to be rich. I want him to have any job, even if it means flipping burgers.

[RealConfused]

Also, my husband is good to me now. But it wasn't always that way.

 

My husband and I had a lot of issues. A few years ago, as soon as I got home from work, he'd leave me to go hang out with his friends, drove my car, and didn't come back until night. He never owned his own car, so he drove mine. He's wrecked my car intentionally before.

 

We'd always argue and he'd become aggressive to me, curse me out, in front of our kids. He put his hands on me, choked me. I had to call the police.

 

Even last summer while I was pregnant, we got into an argument and he choked me.

 

All of that, on top of the lack of steady employment, makes me second guess settling down with my husband.

 

He treats me better now. However, I fell in love with him when I was 15. I fell hard, we had kids, got married. But I'm just not sure if he's the one I should spend the rest of my life with. My family feels I've made a mistake and said they know I could do better.

[RealConfused]

Also, my husband is not a stay at home dad!

 

Usually, a family decides if a parent will stay at home. We didn't consciously make that decision.

 

The children's grandmother will babysit the kids for little to nothing, while both of us work.

 

Costs of childcare is not an issue!

[RealConfused]

Also, this is NOT a new issue. My.husband has had spotty employment for years! We've had conversations about it. He knows he needs to keep applying. He knows it's in his best.interest to return to school. He knows I am tired and hurting due to our situation. He knows he's starting to lose me.

 

All of that won't magically make a job fall from the sky though.

[RealConfused]

Some of you are saying "Why don't you work harder and advance yourself?Make more money yourself!"

 

I've been attending school up until my last pregnancy. I've been working hard and finding better jobs with more pay!

 

That's not going to change the fact that I'm married to someone who isn't doing what I expect a husband to be doing for his family. Simple and plain.

[RealConfused]

I don't want to divorce my husband and begin a hunt for the next man who can take care of me. Not at all!

 

All I was saying is: I feel that if I wasn't with my husband, the opportunity would be available for me to find a man who I feel is more suited for me. That could be 5 years from now!

 

Just because I married young and.had kids doesn't mean I'm.obligated to be.unhappy forever because "it'll be hard.raising kids myself" or "no one wants a single mom"

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Being married young, you have no clue to the life a head of you. Until it slapes you in the face, you are left with, either a man who is worthless or a worthless life with a man who did not grow up.

 

You can put your foot down, and make him attempt to get educated or move on with your life. You can blame him all you want, but until there is change, all I see is more and more resentment, which will make you hate, and do drastic things.

[Tayla]

Sounds like there is an imbalance of the family goals. learn communication skills.

there is a time to access past history for wisdom sake, and there is a time to set new realistic goals for the family unit. Sit with your partner/spouse and have that heart to heart. You both may find that supporting each others strength works well instead of re-hashing what is wrong.

[Adele0908]

Also, my husband is good to me now. But it wasn't always that way.

 

My husband and I had a lot of issues. A few years ago, as soon as I got home from work, he'd leave me to go hang out with his friends, drove my car, and didn't come back until night. He never owned his own car, so he drove mine. He's wrecked my car intentionally before.

 

We'd always argue and he'd become aggressive to me, curse me out, in front of our kids. He put his hands on me, choked me. I had to call the police.

 

Even last summer while I was pregnant, we got into an argument and he choked me.

 

All of that, on top of the lack of steady employment, makes me second guess settling down with my husband.

 

He treats me better now. However, I fell in love with him when I was 15. I fell hard, we had kids, got married. But I'm just not sure if he's the one I should spend the rest of my life with. My family feels I've made a mistake and said they know I could do better.

 

Honestly, no one can make this decision for you. Just trust your INSTINCTS. You also need to ask yourself why you picked a man like this. Remember, you picked him!

 

Do what makes you happy. When mom is happy, kids are happy.

[RealConfused]

It's actually quite ironic because not too long ago my husband would ALWAYS leave. I'd get off of work in the early afternoon and want nothing more than my husband to spend time with me. But he'd always leave to hang out with his friends and then come back later in the night to spend time with me. He told me one day that he'd stay home with me if I asked him to. I remember one night, I begged him to stay and I began to cry. But he still left.

 

I say that to say: Given all that we've gone through and my husband's current issue with unemployment, I find myself doing the same thing but in a different way. I'm always at home with my.family when I'm not at work, but over the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time laying down/sleeping. I don't feel as anxious and excited to be around my husband. And now.he's complaining about how I'm not interested in spending time with him, etc.

 

It's not intentional, but it's quite "funny" how the tables turn.

 

I just feel like the life.has been sucked out of me at this point. Living here with his family is hell. No, I don't feel up to making love when your family and a million kids are right outside of our door.

 

No, I don't feel excitement doing the same thing everyday. We sit in his family's house every night, watching movies,.etc. It's the same thing and it's boring. It's other people living here and so I spend 99% of my time.here confined to one room. I'm.depressed. I hate that this is my life. I wish I would have ended this relationship years ago. I was young, naive, and foolish!

[RealConfused]

Honestly, no one can make this decision for you. Just trust your INSTINCTS. You also need to ask yourself why you picked a man like this. Remember, you picked him!

 

Do what makes you happy. When mom is happy, kids are happy.

 

 

I grew up very strict, in ways. As a teenager, my mom didn't know how to let me grow up. I worked a part time job, did well in school, was responsible, but my mom kept me on a tight leash. I couldn't date, I couldn't talk to guys on the phone, I couldn't own a cell phone. I basically stayed in the house.

 

So, one day at work, I met my now husband. He was nice, sweet, attentive. I had never had a boyfriend before and fell hard. Once things started to get bad, I still stayed. I couldn't bring myself to end it, for.whatever reason. Now, he's grown in that way. But I resented him for it for a long while and just recently forgave him.

[Adele0908]

So it sounds like your mom really inhibited your growth as a young woman. I grew up in a strict household too. I also had to learn about men and relationships the hard way, since I had no one to guide me.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't know any better. But now you realize this life with him is not what you want, which is good news, because now you can choose something else. You are an attractive, hard-working woman with 3 beautiful kids...now why would that be a man repellant? A good woman is a good woman whether she has kids or not. Being a mom can actually make you MORE attractive to men, because moms radiate that soft love energy, because of the love they have for their children. I remember when I worked at a hotel years ago and my attractive male co-workers eyes fell upon this beautiful young pregnant girl with 2 kids. He immediately went over to her to find out if she was single. So don't doubt yourself!

[veggirl]

So what does your husband say when you sit him down and calmly tell him that you have been seriously contemplating other options/divorce because of the situation?

 

I mean does he KNOW how unhappy you are? What does he say?

[RealConfused]

So what does your husband say when you sit him down and calmly tell him that you have been seriously contemplating other options/divorce because of the situation?

 

I mean does he KNOW how unhappy you are? What does he say?

 

He knows how unhappy I am. He says that we need to continue to work together. We need to come up with a game plan.

 

Then he says how I don't show him I love him, I'm not affectionate.

 

I am, to a certain extent. But I don't know of any woman who would stay with him, given the circumstances. Let alone, be attentive to his every need.

[Tayla]

get counseling. both for your marriage and the sake of yourself. people deserve to know both sides before jumping on the divorce wagon. as previous folks mentioned how are you both setting those goals... i think your foot is out the door and your just waiting for someone to give you that last nudge... that way you can say.... i left him because some stranger on the internet said i could... kinda wacky eh?

[RealConfused]

get counseling. both for your marriage and the sake of yourself. people deserve to know both sides before jumping on the divorce wagon. as previous folks mentioned how are you both setting those goals... i think your foot is out the door and your just waiting for someone to give you that last nudge... that way you can say.... i left him because some stranger on the internet said i could... kinda wacky eh?

 

I told him I want counseling and he doesn't want to do it, sees it as a waste of time. He believes in lieu of counseling you shoukd just "be honest with yourself".

 

I wouldn't make my decision based on the internet. If so, I would have left years ago after my relationship got physical and I posted online about it.

[pink_sugar]

I told him I want counseling and he doesn't want to do it, sees it as a waste of time. He believes in lieu of counseling you shoukd just "be honest with yourself".

 

I wouldn't make my decision based on the internet. If so, I would have left years ago after my relationship got physical and I posted online about it.

 

This happened with my parents as well. My dad only went to marriage counseling for my mom and said he didn't believe he had to change. The counselor then recommended divorce as such. If one person refuses to cooperate, the marriage is pretty much over. If your husband can't change, you will always be unhappy.

[Tayla]

I told him I want counseling and he doesn't want to do it, sees it as a waste of time. He believes in lieu of counseling you shoukd just "be honest with yourself".

 

I wouldn't make my decision based on the internet. If so, I would have left years ago after my relationship got physical and I posted online about it.

 

Shocking news here....Rumor has it ,...one person from the marriage can go to counseling and believe it or not...sometimes its the one that goes is the one that needed it and benefits in the long run

 

Doubt you'll go as you seem to have much to contend with in your mind. Do hope the family unit can be stable thru this time......

[SawtoothMars]

I told him I want counseling and he doesn't want to do it, sees it as a waste of time. He believes in lieu of counseling you shoukd just "be honest with yourself".

I wouldn't make my decision based on the internet. If so, I would have left years ago after my relationship got physical and I posted online about it.

 

Dunno... I still have an overall hard time understanding where you are coming from.

 

If my wife said she didn't want to work anymore... it wouldn't make me want to dump her. I would just earn more money. I am in love with her... not her purse! So... your whole attitude just kinda blows my mind.

[gaius]

If you're that miserable and bored why not just have an affair? Find a richer guy who would be happy to take you out somewhere nice, spoil you a bit then take you somewhere and bang you silly.

 

Or if that's not enough for you the divorce route is always an option. If you minimize your exposure to your kids, find a way to send them off to boarding school or slap him with primary custody there's no reason a better provider won't come along and snatch you up. You can have some new kids with him and it's back to the family life, but in much better digs.

[AmyBamy]

No, no, no. If someone is dead weight, father of your children or not, it's time to cut the anchor loose and move on. He isn't working all the time because he doesn't have to since you pick up the slack for him. You and the kids would be better off without him around! Not only would you then be eligible for some assistance at least, but he wouldn't be there using up your limited resources all the time.

 

I've seen men like that. They get married and just play video games all the damn time and don't hold a job because their wife is a hard worker. I've seen marriages go on for 40 damn years like that. To me, it's no different than a wife not pulling her weight either. Providing child care is one thing, but once the kids are in school there is absolutely no reason that both partners are not working full time. It's ridiculous that some people think that sitting around the house and not having to have a job like everyone else is acceptable.

 

I wouldn't waste another minute. I'd take my kids, pack up, and head out. Let him figure out how to support himself for a while. But, I certainly wouldn't let my kids go without because another adult in the household is too damn lazy to pull his own weight.