Told him it's done.Really hurting.. .(Updated)

[DKT3]

Hello, it doesn't seem that your really hearing anything being said here. The MM is putting you into a box [THE SIDE CHICK] that is all he wants from you, it fact it appears that you are one of a number of women he has on the side. You want him to want you and you only which is odd because he is a married man and your a married woman.

 

I said end the marriage because your intentions with your marriage and husband are far less then noble. You are now just using your husband because you can't have what you want, so he is better then nothing. This isn't a foundation you can rebuild the marriage on. This will only cause him more pain and you grow to resent him because he isn't MM. At some point your fog will lift and you may not believe who's looking at you in the mirror.

 

This thing isn't going to end with MM as long as you hang on to this fantasy of him wanting you above all, wanting him to pick you, make you his number one.

 

Talking about his wife, and your husband smacks you in the face with the real world, and pulls you out of the bubble.

 

Lastly he has more power in your marriage then you husband does, that's why I suggest you end the marriage. You say your husband is a good guy, good husband and good father, is this what you feel he deserves for that? A wife who puts him on the back burner while she trys to convince another man to want her above all other. Is that fair? I don't think your marriage has much of a shot, you are doing far too much damage and its only a matter of time before your husband clues in. What do you do then? How do you deal with his pain, anger and confusion?

[Pinklotus]

Stop asking whether or not you are "right" or being a "drama queen"". He is not making you happy. He is freakishly non-committal, even for a MOM. He is trying to call all the shots. Why are you worried about whether you're right? It's up to you. If it's not right for you, get out. And if you're not planning to leave your husband, fix your marriage and end all contact immediately with the other man. Go to counseling. If your marriage was "fine" you wouldn't be having an affair. Counseling really helps. I have been amazed at how it has improved mine. I wasn't against counseling per se; I just wasn't sure it would help.

 

Let me tell you that hearing your husband speak from the heart trumps any crap an affair partner can say 100x over.

 

And since you asked, again I'll say this guy is a first class idiot, jerk, creep and so not worth risking your marriage over!!!!!

[DKT3]

Stop asking whether or not you are "right" or being a "drama queen"". He is not making you happy. He is freakishly non-committal, even for a MOM. He is trying to call all the shots. Why are you worried about whether you're right? It's up to you. If it's not right for you, get out. And if you're not planning to leave your husband, fix your marriage and end all contact immediately with the other man. Go to counseling. If your marriage was "fine" you wouldn't be having an affair. Counseling really helps. I have been amazed at how it has improved mine. I wasn't against counseling per se; I just wasn't sure it would help.

 

Let me tell you that hearing your husband speak from the heart trumps any crap an affair partner can say 100x over.

 

And since you asked, again I'll say this guy is a first class idiot, jerk, creep and so not worth risking your marriage over!!!!!

 

Marriages don't have affairs, broken people in marriages have affairs. Well adjusted people in bad marriages fix them or get out.

 

My point is, its totally BS to say people in good marriages don't cheat. Broken people cheat in great, good or bad marriages. Well adjusted people don't cheat in any situation. Its the person not the marriage, PERIOD.

[whichwayisup]

Prolly another MM, who knows, wouldn't be talking about spouses, and telling me to make love to my husb, etc.. when we are together.. HE says its fun to talk "kinky" but for me, it's like I loose the connection with him (I know I know, I shouldn't have it in the first place)

 

That's why he's doing it. He doesn't want you so emotionally attached to him. You want connection, love, romance, him gazing into your eyes etc..etc.. You won't get that from him, he isn't offering you that at all. As someone else said, he's put you in a box. When he's with you, it's fun times and light, filled with flirting and sex. As soon as he gets home, you don't exist in his mind anymore because he's focused on his wife and kids.

 

You are in love with him. He isn't in love with you. He is in love with how you make him feel and loves having sex with you.

[stillafool]

I know you are gonna say it doesn't matter, but I want to know your opinion about this guy- MM. Even for a MM, doesn't he sound messed up? Prolly another MM, who knows, wouldn't be talking about spouses, and telling me to make love to my husb, etc.. when we are together.. HE says its fun to talk "kinky" but for me, it's like I loose the connection with him (I know I know, I shouldn't have it in the first place) but it happened.... What is your opinion of this guy?From my eyes, it seems as if he is just going looking for some love and attention wherever he can find it. If some other girl gave it to him, he would probably be In an affair with her right now too..Dont ya think? It's not anything about me being special or about him liking me genuienly (sp) is what I feel... be it the sad truth... ?

 

No he really doesn't sound any more messed up than you! After all the help you have received about your situation you are still fixated on this MM. You said in an earlier post that if MM forced you to leave your marriage you would. He doesn't have to force you to do anything, all he has to do is say the word and you would abandon your H. We have given you our opinion of this man over and over. How about asking about an opinion as to how to tell your husband you are a cheater and ask for a divorce because you don't love him? MM is selfish just like you and you are basically throwing a tantrum because he won't make you number 1 in his life. That's not going to happen because he isn't in love with you. You are his play thing along with others. No man who really wants a woman talks about other women when in her presence. Yes there are some MM in affairs who are in love with their OW and those are the ones who divorce and marry them. Your MM does not love you. Stevie Wonder can see this why can't you?

[Pinklotus]

Marriages don't have affairs, broken people in marriages have affairs. Well adjusted people in bad marriages fix them or get out.

 

My point is, its totally BS to say people in good marriages don't cheat. Broken people cheat in great, good or bad marriages. Well adjusted people don't cheat in any situation. Its the person not the marriage, PERIOD.

 

The people make the marriage. The marriage is therefore in trouble. Symantics. Fixing the things within herself and within the marriage that caused her to stray is essential. If she only works on herself but not the marriage, it's possible the problems within it will never really be addressed. And she'll be tempted again, or her husband will next time, or one of them will want a divorce. Yes, she is wrong to cheat, but that doesn't mean that her marriage and or spouse don't need some work done, too.

[hello234]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for ur feedback and thoughts.. Please try not to be too harsh on me, as I am already going through a bit of a bad time.. I have decided to just end my relations with this person.. So there's no more need to tell me anything, the only thing now is that I hope I don't grow weak.. Like for ex, today he posted an old photo of him on FB, and I saw that and got soft and thought to myself how cute he looks.. but I myself am not going to go and talk to him first or message him or reach out to him..but still, having these thoughts internally really gets to me. I am a bit sensitive and just the smallest trigger can bring my mood and me down...How am I supposed to stay strong?

[Lovemesomehim]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for ur feedback and thoughts.. Please try not to be too harsh on me, as I am already going through a bit of a bad time.. I have decided to just end my relations with this person.. So there's no more need to tell me anything, the only thing now is that I hope I don't grow weak.. Like for ex, today he posted an old photo of him on FB, and I saw that and got soft and thought to myself how cute he looks.. but I myself am not going to go and talk to him first or message him or reach out to him..but still, having these thoughts internally really gets to me. I am a bit sensitive and just the smallest trigger can bring my mood and me down...How am I supposed to stay strong?

 

In order not to grow weak, you begin focusing on yourself, your own mental health and integrity to produce the only proper outcome.

 

It will be hard not going back to this man but you deserve better than what he has given you in the past. Remember, the best relationship you can have is with yourself. When you realize who you are, what you will tolerate from anyone, you're on the track of having standards in your life.

 

 

I wish you the best.

[DKT3]

If your really serious about ending this affair, then tell your husband you've had the affair. You have had a chance to decide the outcome of your life your husband deserves that same chance.

 

I believe if you truly want your marriage to work you have to be open and honest. Not doing so in your situation will create resentment towards your husband as you start to veiw him as the reason your not with the MM.

 

Also it will make it tougher to fall back in with MM, and take away the chance of your husband finding out in another way.

 

There is a really good chance you are in an affair fog, if so, you may very well just snap out of it and the mistreatment by the MM will become as clear to you as it is to us.

 

There is also a really good chance your husband will simply walk away. Really that shouldn't prevent you from telling since you were prepared to walk away from him had the MM choose to do the same, you owe your husband the truth, he deserve a chance to pick his own path.

[DKT3]

The people make the marriage. The marriage is therefore in trouble. Symantics. Fixing the things within herself and within the marriage that caused her to stray is essential. If she only works on herself but not the marriage, it's possible the problems within it will never really be addressed. And she'll be tempted again, or her husband will next time, or one of them will want a divorce. Yes, she is wrong to cheat, but that doesn't mean that her marriage and or spouse don't need some work done, too.

 

Your totally missing the point. If people in bad marriages cheat then why is it that only one usually cheats, aren't they in the same marriage?

 

Blaming the marriage is an easy cop-out. If your in a bad marriage how does that make you cheat? Better yet how does it fix the marriage? Its counter productive at best.

 

All this she was wrong BUT stuff is excuses. She was wrong period. Besides she says her marriage was and is fine, she just met a man she wanted and she did what she wanted to do, which is betray her husband and risk her families happiness and way of life. Blame starts and stops with the unfaithful spouse no matter how much its dressed up.

[hello234]

Our culture works a bit differently in terms of marriages, so please, lets not keep talking about divorce and stuff.. My husband already knows I talk to MM , etc.. and sometimes husband likes me to be kinky and flirt when hes in a mood, so me telling him this wouldn't blow our marriage over or make it a huge deal.. So lets get past this talk about husband..I will deal with my marriage.

 

What I am feeling right now is terrible sadness..I know I should not be for a guy who "mistreated" me, but I cannot help it. I am human with a soft heart and I liked this guy, and now that I need to stop talking to him and being out of contact, I am really depressed. I am literally sitting here, with him on my Whatsapp list, thinking if he is going to message me, what I am going to reply, IF i should reply or not, How i am going to deal with this etc.. Its bugging the hell out of me.. I cant concentrate on work, I just feel like crying I am very sad right now.. I don't know what to do...Some moments I feel I should all out just block his number, delete him from everything and end it this moment.. THis has no future right? He has a life with wife n kids.. I think I am lacking confidence..I see his FB daily, him posting pics, of his life, and even though he always tells me how unhappy he is, I feel so insecure maybe about my life and do not have enough confidence to get past this or kick him out.. Maybe if I just completely stopped replying to him, I would get a bit confidence?

[DKT3]

I'm starting to have my doubts about this whole thing. You say your husband knows you TALK to this guy but does he know your screwing him? I knew my wife talked to the guy I didn't know she had slept with him.

 

Like someone said, your all over the place with this story, if hubby is ok then what's the problem? I think your not being honest with yourself. Oh and there is the whole thing about wanting to leave your husband had MM wanted that, is your husband ok with that also? I know you don't want to talk about him but its his life as well.

[whatatangledweb]

Block him from everything so he can't reply to you or contact you. If you want it over than make sure there is NO way for him to contact you.

[stillafool]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for ur feedback and thoughts.. Please try not to be too harsh on me, as I am already going through a bit of a bad time.. I have decided to just end my relations with this person.. So there's no more need to tell me anything, the only thing now is that I hope I don't grow weak.. Like for ex, today he posted an old photo of him on FB, and I saw that and got soft and thought to myself how cute he looks.. but I myself am not going to go and talk to him first or message him or reach out to him..but still, having these thoughts internally really gets to me. I am a bit sensitive and just the smallest trigger can bring my mood and me down...How am I supposed to stay strong?

 

You can start by blocking and deleting anything you have on him including phone numbers so he can't reach you. Then stop stalking him on FB.

[hello234]

Block him from everything so he can't reply to you or contact you. If you want it over than make sure there is NO way for him to contact you.

 

- THank you. This is what I want to hear... At times When I am really feeling sad and low, I think like let me just completely block him, and then I start feeling better and my confidence kind of starts coming back.. Do u think I will get total relief if he is out completely? Will I feel More relief than Joy? is my question..

 

My confidence has gone low due to him, seeing him display his life on FB, with pics of wife and kids.. I don't know how to build my confidence to a high... I need assurance on what to think/how to think in order to build my security n confidence so I can totally kick him out..

[Lovemesomehim]

I think I'm understanding this a little bit more

 

 

You're willing to accept this relationship with him, as long as he stops comparing you to his wife, right?

[jellybean89]

I wouldn't say he talks about spouses to remind me of my role..because I do not doubt the fact that hes really into me, and he wants to be with me all the time and if he could, he would live with me.. and prolly marry me..so its not that he mentions them because he wants me to remind me of my place but its just stupid..hes just stupid to do that right? and that's another thing that upsets me.. like why should he have me on the side and then later I see pics on FB of him and his wife out enjoying, pics of his wife, etc..like she gets all the luxury with him and im just a meet by week basis, a kiss, love making session here and there.. that's it..so its like whats the point right? why wouldn't I end it right?

 

No, he "prolly" wouldn't marry you. He has a wife and "other" women in his life. You are more like something he interacts with when he is bored, wants attention or enjoys the ego feed of you falling all over yourself for him.

 

How about instead of stalking his FB and day dreaming about him, you focus on your kid. Focus on teaching your kid anything. Think about how you would feel if someone was married to your kid and doing what you are doing behind your kids back. Instead of being all weepy cause the MM hasn't messages you, find something constructive to do with your time. Obviously you have too much free time, even with a kid. Volunteer at a shelter, a soup kitchen...somewhere that you can help others. Look at yourself and try to find out why you allowed yourself to have an affair.

[hello234]

You know what.. Just so y'all get to know about this MM a lil bit more..I am gonna list out all the stuff about him which I found bizzare and ridiculous.. Let me know your thoughts so that I know that I am making the right decision.. Your thoughts will also help me feel more confident and can really make me feel better.. So please, make a difference in someone's life with your feedback:

 

- When he is with me, talks about wife, says "She does it like that, or she does that too, etc"

- Always talks to me about their family friends where the wives "go around with other men"

- He showed me a pic of one of their family friends(a lady) and said, isn't that a nice pic? and then when I asked him, "yeah, you wanna do it with her too?" Hes like "I wish."

- Asks often if I have ever tried lesbo stuff, ever done an "Asian" guy or a "African American" (I don't see why he would even mention this stuff when its just supposed to be about us)

- One day says that I should show more anger or jealousy and says "Shouldn't you stop me?" from making other friends..and another day says "don't be like my wife"

- A lot of lies about wife, made up stories

- Doesn't ask much about my life, about my work, what I did each day. If I tell him something important like, "we might move to a different city, or home", he never asked more about it and showed much concern.

 

It could be that his personality itself is like this , but... it all seems messed up to me..and Please don't tell me "I told you so" that he is just making it clear that he doesn't want attachment bla bla..heard enough of that. :-). So your thoughts on his character/type of person he is? Am I right in DUMPING him?

[Lovemesomehim]

You know what.. Just so y'all get to know about this MM a lil bit more..I am gonna list out all the stuff about him which I found bizzare and ridiculous.. Let me know your thoughts so that I know that I am making the right decision.. Your thoughts will also help me feel more confident and can really make me feel better.. So please, make a difference in someone's life with your feedback:

 

- When he is with me, talks about wife, says "She does it like that, or she does that too, etc"

- Always talks to me about their family friends where the wives "go around with other men"

- He showed me a pic of one of their family friends(a lady) and said, isn't that a nice pic? and then when I asked him, "yeah, you wanna do it with her too?" Hes like "I wish."

- Asks often if I have ever tried lesbo stuff, ever done an "Asian" guy or a "African American" (I don't see why he would even mention this stuff when its just supposed to be about us)

- One day says that I should show more anger or jealousy and says "Shouldn't you stop me?" from making other friends..and another day says "don't be like my wife"

- A lot of lies about wife, made up stories

- Doesn't ask much about my life, about my work, what I did each day. If I tell him something important like, "we might move to a different city, or home", he never asked more about it and showed much concern.

 

It could be that his personality itself is like this , but... it all seems messed up to me..and Please don't tell me "I told you so" that he is just making it clear that he doesn't want attachment bla bla..heard enough of that. :-). So your thoughts on his character/type of person he is? Am I right in DUMPING him?

 

What difference does it make if we suggest that you are right in dumping him? You know he's not right for you. You know he's not the man for you, why are you holding back in progressing forward?

 

 

No one can answer your questions or fill in the gaps for you but you.

[jellybean89]

You know what.. Just so y'all get to know about this MM a lil bit more..I am gonna list out all the stuff about him which I found bizzare and ridiculous.. Let me know your thoughts so that I know that I am making the right decision.. Your thoughts will also help me feel more confident and can really make me feel better.. So please, make a difference in someone's life with your feedback:

 

- When he is with me, talks about wife, says "She does it like that, or she does that too, etc"

- Always talks to me about their family friends where the wives "go around with other men"

- He showed me a pic of one of their family friends(a lady) and said, isn't that a nice pic? and then when I asked him, "yeah, you wanna do it with her too?" Hes like "I wish."

- Asks often if I have ever tried lesbo stuff, ever done an "Asian" guy or a "African American" (I don't see why he would even mention this stuff when its just supposed to be about us)

- One day says that I should show more anger or jealousy and says "Shouldn't you stop me?" from making other friends..and another day says "don't be like my wife"

- A lot of lies about wife, made up stories

- Doesn't ask much about my life, about my work, what I did each day. If I tell him something important like, "we might move to a different city, or home", he never asked more about it and showed much concern.

 

It could be that his personality itself is like this , but... it all seems messed up to me..and Please don't tell me "I told you so" that he is just making it clear that he doesn't want attachment bla bla..heard enough of that. :-). So your thoughts on his character/type of person he is? Am I right in DUMPING him?

 

So you want us to validate that you should dump him? I am confused, why do you need strangers to tell you what to do?

 

he's a whack job who isn't into you - no matter what you may want to believe - he likes having sex with you; but he isn't leaving his wife for you and he is most likely seeing other OW and not just you. He is a loser who gets off on all the attention you give him. He doesn't care about your life, he doesn't care about your marriage (and from the looks of things, you don't either). You are - to put it bluntly - an orgasm for him. He doesn't love you. Heck, I don't think he even likes you - he knows with you he will get what he wants without having to put any effort into it. He definitely doesn't respect you.

 

So my opinion - I don't know why you are even struggling with making a decision. He isn't worth your time or effort. I am guessing you are young and for whatever reason, your marriage (husband) and family (child) aren't interesting enough or fulfilling enough for you. Instead of honoring your commitment, you chose to give yourself to this egotistical jerk who seems to use you for his own enjoyment. Dump him and walk away.

[hello234]

its been 3 days I didn't talk and im very sad.. whats even worse is that for the upcoming 2 weeks, I wont have my baby with me as she will be with her grandparents and I am going to have so much time on my hands, usually during this time, I would have met and spent with him..Now I am going to find myself free and miss him so badly, tempted to reach out to him, to meet him.. Please tell me how I am going to fill this empty void? I was thinking to go out, with my husb, do stuff that I enjoy, go to gym, maybe attend zumba classes, etc.. Time will fly, right? I wont even find that much time on my hands , right?

 

also, another reason why its been so hard to let him go is because im so attracted to him for some of his characteristics(despite the fact that hes a cheating liar..) but other things about him like soft natured, helpful , sporty, Emotional, fun minded etc. I love being around him. My Question is , how do I make the BAD things about him more prominent to rule out and ignore the good stuff about him? (the fact that i feel lot of stress because of stuff he says, how he makes me feel bad etc). Or do I just have to accept that Yes, he does have good qualities about him, but inspite of all his attractive qualities, still decide to Get over him no matter what?

[DKT3]

I don't understand what your looking for here. It isn't advice because you deflect, avoid most of what's being said. And on top of that you keep saying the same things over and over again.

 

I just absolutely feel horrible for your husband. It appears you haven't got an ounce of respect for the man. Leading him on and using him as a bill payer and time killer until you can be with this other man. I don't see any feelings from you other then words, your actions say he is your enemy.

 

How would he feel if he found and read what you've wrote here? Now I fully expect you to avoid this with "my marriage will be ok" or "my husband knows I talk to this guy" which maybe the case, but does he know you've replaced him in all aspects of your life except father of your child? I doubt he does. Yoju really need to start facing reality and being honest with yourself. I truly feel you will soon be slapped silly with a lot of REAL sh&t.

[hello234]

Forget it..I am loosing my strength and getting more sad by discussing this over and over when I should be well on my way to forgetting this whole thing..

 

All I want to know is how to forget about the attractive stuff I saw in him, and how to overshadow it with the bad characteristics about him, viewing him in a silly or embaressing situation etc, seeing it for how he really is, how bad I feel when with him, how hes messed up, etc.. This is all I want to do... Downplay the good stuff and overplay his bad qualities! Will that just take time to sink in??

[whichwayisup]

its been 3 days I didn't talk and im very sad.. whats even worse is that for the upcoming 2 weeks, I wont have my baby with me as she will be with her grandparents and I am going to have so much time on my hands, usually during this time, I would have met and spent with him..Now I am going to find myself free and miss him so badly, tempted to reach out to him, to meet him.. Please tell me how I am going to fill this empty void? I was thinking to go out, with my husb, do stuff that I enjoy, go to gym, maybe attend zumba classes, etc.. Time will fly, right? I wont even find that much time on my hands , right?

 

Take this time to DETACH from the MM. Focus on your husband, friends, anything to keep you busy. You won't die from the pain of this. Don't be scared of feeling sad. Accept it.

 

also, another reason why its been so hard to let him go is because im so attracted to him for some of his characteristics(despite the fact that hes a cheating liar..) but other things about him like soft natured, helpful , sporty, Emotional, fun minded etc. I love being around him. My Question is , how do I make the BAD things about him more prominent to rule out and ignore the good stuff about him? (the fact that i feel lot of stress because of stuff he says, how he makes me feel bad etc). Or do I just have to accept that Yes, he does have good qualities about him, but inspite of all his attractive qualities, still decide to Get over him no matter what?

 

You have to want to get over him and let go. You must make yourself accountable. Make yourself a promise to stay in NC mode and stick to it.

[stillafool]

All I want to know is how to forget about the attractive stuff I saw in him, and how to overshadow it with the bad characteristics about him, viewing him in a silly or embaressing situation etc, seeing it for how he really is, how bad I feel when with him, how hes messed up, etc.. This is all I want to do... Downplay the good stuff and overplay his bad qualities! Will that just take time to sink in??

 

You have asked this over and over and there is no easy solution to getting over someone. You have to put in the work. That is strict NC, keep yourself busy with your husband and child, get another job if you work with him or get a job to keep your mind off of him. Cook new recipes for your husband, volunteer, over clean the house, I don't know there are hundreds of things to keep you busy. If you can't do these then seek therapy to help you get over it.