Told him it's done.Really hurting.. .(Updated)

[DKT3]

Forget it..I am loosing my strength and getting more sad by discussing this over and over when I should be well on my way to forgetting this whole thing..

 

All I want to know is how to forget about the attractive stuff I saw in him, and how to overshadow it with the bad characteristics about him, viewing him in a silly or embaressing situation etc, seeing it for how he really is, how bad I feel when with him, how hes messed up, etc.. This is all I want to do... Downplay the good stuff and overplay his bad qualities! Will that just take time to sink in??

 

You have been given pointers on how to do it, your not getting it bcause what you really want is for this MM to fall all over and profess his everlasting love, to walk away from his wife. All the fantasy stuff that goes with affairs.

 

If you really want it over then it would get over. Focus on the fact that he treats you like crap. Pretty simple. Re-commit and re-focus on your family, marriage and husband. If it fails confess.

 

None of it will do you any good until you truly want it.

[GypsumSatellite]

 

- When he is with me, talks about wife, says "She does it like that, or she does that too, etc"

- Always talks to me about their family friends where the wives "go around with other men"

- He showed me a pic of one of their family friends(a lady) and said, isn't that a nice pic? and then when I asked him, "yeah, you wanna do it with her too?" Hes like "I wish."

- Asks often if I have ever tried lesbo stuff, ever done an "Asian" guy or a "African American" (I don't see why he would even mention this stuff when its just supposed to be about us)

- One day says that I should show more anger or jealousy and says "Shouldn't you stop me?" from making other friends..and another day says "don't be like my wife"

- A lot of lies about wife, made up stories

- Doesn't ask much about my life, about my work, what I did each day. If I tell him something important like, "we might move to a different city, or home", he never asked more about it and showed much concern.

 

 

You dating my MM? I'm not being funny, here. My MM pulled this on me to, almost word for word because he's insecure about his worth. He even wanted to get me pregnant because then I couldn't leave him (and no, I never allowed that to occur). He needed constant reassurance he was the best I'd ever been with. He wanted me as a possession. The only difference is mine is territorial and jealous. You have yourself a manipulator. He likes watching what your reactions are to his questions, his discussions about his wife, his opinions on other women. When he tells you how he feels about women in general, he's making a point so you'll keep in line. You'll jump to his beat. It will only get worse and he may begin to ask you to do things that are in effect "marking territory" like having sex in his house, in their cars, at significant places special to them, on her birthday or their anniversary... run now. It's not love.

[peaksandvalleys]

its been 3 days I didn't talk and im very sad.. whats even worse is that for the upcoming 2 weeks, I wont have my baby with me as she will be with her grandparents and I am going to have so much time on my hands, usually during this time, I would have met and spent with him..Now I am going to find myself free and miss him so badly, tempted to reach out to him, to meet him.. Please tell me how I am going to fill this empty void? I was thinking to go out, with my husb, do stuff that I enjoy, go to gym, maybe attend zumba classes, etc.. Time will fly, right? I wont even find that much time on my hands , right?

 

also, another reason why its been so hard to let him go is because im so attracted to him for some of his characteristics(despite the fact that hes a cheating liar..) but other things about him like soft natured, helpful , sporty, Emotional, fun minded etc. I love being around him. My Question is , how do I make the BAD things about him more prominent to rule out and ignore the good stuff about him? (the fact that i feel lot of stress because of stuff he says, how he makes me feel bad etc). Or do I just have to accept that Yes, he does have good qualities about him, but inspite of all his attractive qualities, still decide to Get over him no matter what?

 

 

Those qualities you dislike are still part of the as you described, "cheating liar". How do you separated that? What part will you dismember from the whole to create the partial human you want?

[thummper]

its been 3 days I didn't talk and im very sad.. whats even worse is that for the upcoming 2 weeks, I wont have my baby with me as she will be with her grandparents and I am going to have so much time on my hands, usually during this time, I would have met and spent with him..Now I am going to find myself free and miss him so badly, tempted to reach out to him, to meet him.. Please tell me how I am going to fill this empty void? I was thinking to go out, with my husb, do stuff that I enjoy, go to gym, maybe attend zumba classes, etc.. Time will fly, right? I wont even find that much time on my hands , right?

 

also, another reason why its been so hard to let him go is because im so attracted to him for some of his characteristics(despite the fact that hes a cheating liar..) but other things about him like soft natured, helpful , sporty, Emotional, fun minded etc. I love being around him. My Question is , how do I make the BAD things about him more prominent to rule out and ignore the good stuff about him? (the fact that i feel lot of stress because of stuff he says, how he makes me feel bad etc). Or do I just have to accept that Yes, he does have good qualities about him, but inspite of all his attractive qualities, still decide to Get over him no matter what?

 

Here's a thought: Just for once remember you're married....there's a husband here, remember him? You got time on your hands, how 'bout spending a little bit of it with the person you married and agreed to be faithful to (you know, that "forsaking all others" thing you solemnly promised) and try being his lover and WIFE! Forget this other idiot you have such an attraction to......forget him as if he never existed because, lady, he's only been using you as a steady piece, sort of an unpaid prostitute. All he had to do was throw a few compliments your way and you shed your panties without a thought to what your husband might feel if he were to discover what you were doing. Grow up. This isn't high school. This is "big person" stuff. If your relationship with your hubby is so terrible that betraying him doesn't faze you, bail out. Divorce the poor sap, then you can be attracted to a whole host of guys who'd love to get a little on the side from their miserable, unhappy marriages.

[PreciousOne]

Yes, You should.

[hello234]

So i have been involved with an MM for past 5 months. Altho I do believe he likes me,and has told me "love you" he flirts and talks to other women. I know, what else can I expect from a guy who cheats on wife right? so please don't tell me "what do you expect?" Cuz i realize it. And I know I can't change him nor do I have the right to tell him to stop as I am not his wife, But its like why would you proclaim love to me, waste my time and flirt with others, ya know? Don't i have at least a little bit right to be angry? so instead of fighting or getting mad, I am trying to change my mindset to not at all mind it. It is hard tho, I am not sure how to

just be careless about it. This is what I need help with. Sometimes, i just think about ending it with him, because this has caused me much pain and stress, to hear him talk about others, or to know that he flirts, and that he also goes to bed at night with wife. So I told him 10 days ago that We won't meet for sometime, I wanted time for myself

to just think about things, calm my mind, and try to detach from him and try to take things lighter. After meeting him and going home, I just end up feeling bad and sad.

 

I know completely cutting him off will be hard too, so I have decided that

I will just have to accept that he talks to other women, accept his flirts but at the same time, not take it seriously, not take it to heart or mind it, and just change my mindset to think carelessly. Like I just wanna think like "Oh whatever, he is a liar and idiot, let him flirt and talk to who he wants, What do i care? let him sleep at night with his wife.." I just wanna take it cool, not mind it, and continue to talk to him normally and affectionately without showing emotions or my anger toward him. Get what i mean?

All you MW in affairs, how do u handle the MM's flirting with other women? Do you take it lightly? Or do you get mad? or do you not care?

I dont want to care..PLease please help me and tell me how I should think and how i should train my mind to be so that it will brush off the fact

that he is flirting with others, so that I can just continue a relation with him without minding it? How should I handle this?

[hello234]

Also, as I told him "lets not meet for sometime," he was upset and continues to ask me to meet.. I just donno what to say? I don't want to sound like an idiot and clingy drama queen and be like " you flirt with other women , so why do you need to meet me?" I just wanna back off for sometime and want some time to think about this, detach from him and set my mind straight.. what am I supposed to say if he keeps asking me why I wont meet?

[Sub]

Also, as I told him "lets not meet for sometime," he was upset and continues to ask me to meet.. I just donno what to say? I don't want to sound like an idiot and clingy drama queen and be like " you flirt with other women , so why do you need to meet me?" I just wanna back off for sometime and want some time to think about this, detach from him and set my mind straight.. what am I supposed to say if he keeps asking me why I wont meet?

 

I would say exactly what you said in your post: "I just wanna back off for sometime and want some time to think about this...set my mind straight."

[Quiet Storm]

His behavior is bothering you for a reason- it's not right and against your value system.

 

Instead of honoring yourself (finding a man that can give you what you want & need), you are trying to twist his behavior so that it's not so bad. You want to minimize it's impact on you, and since you can't change him, you are trying to change your reaction to it.

 

Your feelings are not unreasonable, but instead of thinking "This guy is hurting my feelings, so I should detach from him & avoid him" (because its our responsibility as adults to protect ourselves from emotional pain), you want to keep the relationship going and pretend. That's not a good way to cope with this, and it will only cause more emotional damage to you in the long run.

 

What you want is called "cognitive dissonance", a type of denial that is an unhealthy coping mechanism. It's basically lying to yourself so that you won't get upset about something that you SHOULD be upset about. It's a way of giving yourself permission to do something that is not in your best interests.

 

What is so great about this guy that you would put yourself through this? Honor your feelings! Listen to those doubts. They are warning signs and you should pay attention, not ignore them. You know he is a cheater, a liar, a flirt. You know his words mean nothing.

 

If he wants to meet, just say "No. It is not in my best interest to continue this relationship because we want different things. Please respect my decision and do not contact me".

[Lovemesomehim]

Also, as I told him "lets not meet for sometime," he was upset and continues to ask me to meet.. I just donno what to say? I don't want to sound like an idiot and clingy drama queen and be like " you flirt with other women , so why do you need to meet me?" I just wanna back off for sometime and want some time to think about this, detach from him and set my mind straight.. what am I supposed to say if he keeps asking me why I wont meet?

 

 

 

If you want to back away from him, be honest

[DKT3]

Why would you expect better then your willing to give? You are doing the same to your husband. Your married yet going on with this guy on the side and complaining about him being interested in others.

 

Why would you even want to continue? You know you need to cut this guy off. This is a very toxic relationship that will leave you being the one who loses the most. I don't think you ever need to accept anyone mistreating you. The problem is your really unwilling to stand up for yourself, and do what you know you need to do with either your husband or your married boyfriend.

 

You do the same things, you get the same results.

[Owl]

Also, as I told him "lets not meet for sometime," he was upset and continues to ask me to meet.. I just donno what to say? I don't want to sound like an idiot and clingy drama queen and be like " you flirt with other women , so why do you need to meet me?" I just wanna back off for sometime and want some time to think about this, detach from him and set my mind straight.. what am I supposed to say if he keeps asking me why I wont meet?

 

NO! It's pretty universal.

[hello234]

I am not in denial, or trying to pretend that it's all ok- the flirting, etc.. I know that he does it and I know I cant change it..I am accepting it..It's not like I want to ignore the fact that he talks to other women and proceed with him- no way, I am not the type that can just ignore that and continue to be sweet and nice to him.. But however, I don't want to give him up.. So in order for me to continue to talk to him, I need to be able to change my mindset to not care about him flirting with others, and have it make no impact on me- Like for ex, if I see him get a text from a girl, or from his wife, I should be able to Brush it OFF and not care and continue to talk to him like I normally would..ThATS how I want to change..I want to become more careless, more light toward him, rather than just cut him off.. I want to first try this, and IF I cannot do this then cut him off completely cause I cant take the pain... Not sure how to became careless.. help?

[d0nnivain]

S I know, what else can I expect from a guy who cheats on wife right? so please don't tell me "what do you expect?" Cuz i realize it.

 

You answered your own Q.

 

It's only been 5 months. Don't waste 5 more.

[MuddyRock]

If you try and just be friends he may well cut it off for you. He ain't interested in you or what you have to say unless your legs are spread. You said yourself he won't even listen to how your day was.

[GypsumSatellite]

I am not in denial, or trying to pretend that it's all ok- the flirting, etc.. I know that he does it and I know I cant change it..I am accepting it..It's not like I want to ignore the fact that he talks to other women and proceed with him- no way, I am not the type that can just ignore that and continue to be sweet and nice to him.. But however, I don't want to give him up.. So in order for me to continue to talk to him, I need to be able to change my mindset to not care about him flirting with others, and have it make no impact on me- Like for ex, if I see him get a text from a girl, or from his wife, I should be able to Brush it OFF and not care and continue to talk to him like I normally would..ThATS how I want to change..I want to become more careless, more light toward him, rather than just cut him off.. I want to first try this, and IF I cannot do this then cut him off completely cause I cant take the pain... Not sure how to became careless.. help?

 

 

I just am failing to understand why you feel you have to accept his ridiculous behavior that is so NOT what you desire in a man. "I have to accept this"... no you don't! You can say "I don't accept these behaviors" and give him all the space int he world. You have free will!

 

Ultimately you're dealing with a man who wants lots of attention from many women. No one is enough for him. You can't jump high enough or outperform enough for him to grant you "Pick Me" status. This is who he is. It doesn't please you. Please don't keep doing the dance hoping you'll be picked. No one is going to get picked. Well, no one aside from him.

 

The only thing that will get you from the point you're at now and the point in which you write him off is a level of heartbreak that you're going to hate. Sometimes that will take a breach of trust from his end, sometimes that'll be you catching him with another woman, sometimes that'll be you finding fulfillment elsewhere and realizing he wasn't all that much in the first place. It'll happen, and when it does you'll just go "Huh, this is easier than I thought it was going to be.".

[hello234]

Guys I am going crazy today.. I'm literally having some sort of anxiety and depression attack..I don't know what it is.. 2 days ago MM's wife invited me to their home for dinner (yes, I know.. me and her knw each other) but I don't wanna elaborate on that, anyways I said NO I made an excuse that I had a headache cuz obviously, I don't wanna see him either..anyways after that he messaged me and said he knew I made an excuse and sorry to bother me and "goodbye, have a happy life" Lol, and since 2 days we haven't spoken...Well I pinged her back yesterday informing her that there was this concert going on, and she had told me she loved going to concerts.. so I jus wanted to show that I didn't have anything against her, it was just about him.. But she did not even reply me..Arghh I'm just sooo frustrated and bothered, I KNOW I KNOW I THink I should just message him right now and say DONT CONTACT ME, just get out!! ARGGGHH im goin crazy but doing that, that's gonna kill me emotionally... and I might end up regretting it later when my mind is calm and im in better mood... god I cant take this...I cant focus on anything else, work, or house chores, anything.,. the fact that he is still lingering out there and we have unsaid words just bothers me. I was thinking this morning if I just got rid of him once and for all, Just cut him out, I could focus on other things, I don't have his burden anymore.. but then I would be floored by extreme pain which I am scared of

[DKT3]

First it kinda sounds like this guy has been setting you up for some kind of three way sexual relationship with his wife.

 

There is nothing left to say, your desire for "closure" like sooo many other involved in A's is really just an excuse to try to keep it going.

 

Just let it be over already, its only been a few months how is it possible to be this caught up?

[Pinklotus]

What? He got mad because you didn't want to go to their house? I mean get away from this jerk as fast you can. The whole situation is toxic. You can't possibly be friends with either one of them and you need to get away, far away NOW. Save your pride while you can, your self respect and dignity. For the love of God, you would have to be completely insane to think he is going to change and ever be the man to treat you right. Sorry but you need to hear this.

 

 

 

 

Guys I am going crazy today.. I'm literally having some sort of anxiety and depression attack..I don't know what it is.. 2 days ago MM's wife invited me to their home for dinner (yes, I know.. me and her knw each other) but I don't wanna elaborate on that, anyways I said NO I made an excuse that I had a headache cuz obviously, I don't wanna see him either..anyways after that he messaged me and said he knew I made an excuse and sorry to bother me and "goodbye, have a happy life" Lol, and since 2 days we haven't spoken...Well I pinged her back yesterday informing her that there was this concert going on, and she had told me she loved going to concerts.. so I jus wanted to show that I didn't have anything against her, it was just about him.. But she did not even reply me..Arghh I'm just sooo frustrated and bothered, I KNOW I KNOW I THink I should just message him right now and say DONT CONTACT ME, just get out!! ARGGGHH im goin crazy but doing that, that's gonna kill me emotionally... and I might end up regretting it later when my mind is calm and im in better mood... god I cant take this...I cant focus on anything else, work, or house chores, anything.,. the fact that he is still lingering out there and we have unsaid words just bothers me. I was thinking this morning if I just got rid of him once and for all, Just cut him out, I could focus on other things, I don't have his burden anymore.. but then I would be floored by extreme pain which I am scared of

[hello234]

I am really feeling depressed today for some reason..Think if I cut it off now that I will get instant relief? I hate this lingering around... Waiting to see what happens feeling.. Like we talk for a day, mainly nowadays he talks about how hurt he is that I walked out, etc.. how he is sad,, and then we don't talk for 2 days.. and then he again will ping and start... and then now his wife and I talk..ARGGGHHH such a big mess and frustrating.. What do I do what do I do??? DO I just message him Right now and say look, don't contact me.. just get lost?? Im jus irritated at him for so many things which I don't wanna keep going over and over..Even tho he says he loves me and that hes sad, but something, my GUT FEELING TELLS ME ITS NOT SINCERE.. AUGH thinking about ending gives me relief, but wont I regret it later? I cant imagine the pain that will follow once I say the words- there is no going back or I am going to look like an idiot...

[pteromom]

I am really feeling depressed today for some reason..Think if I cut it off now that I will get instant relief?

 

Maybe. Maybe not. But at least you can start healing instead of continuing on in limbo.

 

DO I just message him Right now and say look, don't contact me.. just get lost??

 

Yes. Then block his email and number.

 

This guy isn't good for you. I am not a fan of affairs, but it would be one thing if you were both happy with sex on the side. It would also make some sort of sense if you were both unhappy in your marriages and looking for a way out to be together.

 

But that's not the case here. You have strong feelings for him and would like to be with him, while you are just one of his many side-women. He wants you around for his own needs, but has no desire to leave his wife for you or stop seeing other women. When you are honest about your feelings, you are called a drama queen.

 

This situation is very dangerous for you emotionally, and you need to end it for your own sanity.

 

Even tho he says he loves me and that hes sad, but something, my GUT FEELING TELLS ME ITS NOT SINCERE..

 

That is because his ACTIONS don't line up with his WORDS. Saying "I love you" is the easiest thing to do. It's so easy to let it roll off his tongue, and even gaze lovingly into your eyes while he says it. That's EASY. What's difficult is putting action behind it.

 

First of all, if he truly LOVED you, he would want you to have a wonderful life. Your best interest would be very important to him. Based on his actions, that isn't the case. So he doesn't love you.

 

If he truly LOVED you, he would move mountains for you. He would tell his wife and come be with you. He wouldn't have a need to continue to look for other women. He would be able to commit to you.

 

But here's the thing...

 

You can't think that him not loving you has anything to do with YOU. Because it doesn't. He isn't capable of the kind of true love you want. For whatever reason, he is broken inside. If he was capable of single-mindedly loving someone wholly, he would have done that with his wife. Instead, he is lying to her, and always on the lookout for the next woman to use.

 

He's not capable. And yes, you need to END it. Be strong.

 

I cant imagine the pain that will follow once I say the words- there is no going back or I am going to look like an idiot...

 

Not for nothing, but have you considered that you kinda look like an idiot now?

 

I don't mean that to be rude or insulting, but it is very obvious he is using you, and it is time for you to see that and stop allowing it.

 

It's possible HE might tell you that you are an idiot for ending it. Actually, he will probably say anything his little mind can think of to keep you on his hook. He might even say he wants to leave his wife and be with you, and beg beg beg you to please give him some time. But it is all LIES. Just a song and dance to keep you there for him, so he has a bed to run to when he is feeling bored with sex with his wife. So he has someone to look at him adoringly so he feels important.

 

Just end it. Please. Either recommit to your husband, or end your marriage and be happy on your own.

[whichwayisup]

Guys I am going crazy today.. I'm literally having some sort of anxiety and depression attack..I don't know what it is.. 2 days ago MM's wife invited me to their home for dinner (yes, I know.. me and her knw each other) but I don't wanna elaborate on that, anyways I said NO I made an excuse that I had a headache cuz obviously, I don't wanna see him either..anyways after that he messaged me and said he knew I made an excuse and sorry to bother me and "goodbye, have a happy life" Lol, and since 2 days we haven't spoken...Well I pinged her back yesterday informing her that there was this concert going on, and she had told me she loved going to concerts.. so I jus wanted to show that I didn't have anything against her, it was just about him.. But she did not even reply me..Arghh I'm just sooo frustrated and bothered, I KNOW I KNOW I THink I should just message him right now and say DONT CONTACT ME, just get out!! ARGGGHH im goin crazy but doing that, that's gonna kill me emotionally... and I might end up regretting it later when my mind is calm and im in better mood... god I cant take this...I cant focus on anything else, work, or house chores, anything.,. the fact that he is still lingering out there and we have unsaid words just bothers me. I was thinking this morning if I just got rid of him once and for all, Just cut him out, I could focus on other things, I don't have his burden anymore.. but then I would be floored by extreme pain which I am scared of

 

Stop contacting them BOTH. You are 'pretending' to be her friend, you're not. By contacting her, it's creating unnecessary drama.

 

Make your own closure here. Otherwise if you reach out again, it'll just fuel things on.

 

There's a time to let stuff go, now is that time.

[hello234]

also another thing is that the guy is 11-12 years older than me..a 42 year old he is..prolly in mid life crises and a bored ba*****. What business does he have talking to me? Do u think the age gap for us to possibly have a "romantic relation" or "romantic connection" is possible? But I just like him, found his other qualities attractive, so I dismissed the age thing... what u say? too old?

[stillafool]

ARGGGHHH such a big mess and frustrating.. What do I do what do I do??? DO I just message him Right now and say look, don't contact me.. just get lost?? Im jus irritated at him for so many things which I don't wanna keep going over and over..Even tho he says he loves me and that hes sad, but something, my GUT FEELING TELLS ME ITS NOT SINCERE.. ...

 

This is what you should do:

 

First, cook a nice dinner and when your husband comes home tell him that you are in love with another man who treats you like dirt and have been in love with him for 5 months.

 

Second, tomorrow morning when you get up call and make an appointment with a therapist to help you get over MM.

 

Third, call a lawyer to help you with your Divorce.

[pteromom]

also another thing is that the guy is 11-12 years older than me..a 42 year old he is..prolly in mid life crises and a bored ba*****. What business does he have talking to me? Do u think the age gap for us to possibly have a "romantic relation" or "romantic connection" is possible? But I just like him, found his other qualities attractive, so I dismissed the age thing... what u say? too old?

 

Why does age matter? It's how he is treating you (and his wife) that matters.

 

Your question would be like having a splinter in your foot and a knife in your heart and obsessing over the splinter! Age is the least of your worries.

 

Whether or not he is too old, he is:

- too married

- too cheating

- too lying

- too selfish

- too unavailable