URGENT ending my marriage and love

[utterly confused one]

I am writing this as a last ditch attempt to try and understand my feelings and get feedback to find out if anyone has felt this way, and what it means for my marriage.

 

I met my husband 8 years ago and we got married four years ago. I am 27, he is 30. We don't have kids. We get along very well for the most part. He is very kind, honest, faithful, strong and loving. He loves me unconditionally.

 

I didn't think I loved him very much, but recently, since I have been thinking about ending our marriage, I have realised I do love him deeply, he is my best friend in the world, and we are pretty good together. I feel extreme sadness and pian when I imagine we couldn't be together again. There are a lot of good things we have together.

 

Mainly that we share the same values about life and we have come this far and overcome some major disasters in our lives.

 

I am not satisfied with our day to day life, or our sex life. Sexually, he doesn't turn me on, and never did. I tried hard to feel passion for him, but it never happened. We do have sex, and it isn't bad - he is very diligent and skilful, but I odn't feel like I ever make love, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I didn't think it mattered, but when I find myself attracted to other people - men and women - I become frustrated with my sex life. I also findmyself attracted mentally and have become very close and "clicked" with people, the way I always tried with him. He knows I like women as well, and is happy for me to experiment, but I odn't want him around when I do, and I am afraid I will like it more than being with him. I also don't know how he could consider being in a relationship where he knows I am not happy with him sexually, and getting satisfaction elsewhere.

 

I find we don't have much to talk about, but that when we do, I don't feel connected to him, and I have given up as I don't want to try to make myself feel right anymore. I can talk about light stuff - the pets, domestic issues, but I always feel on the outside when we talk about anything one of us is into.

 

Since November we have been having serious talks, at my request, to try and improve our marriage. I especially wanted to focus on doing more things together - going out - seeing films, dinner etc. He has made a real effort - as have I - but I still don't feel any more in love. I have had more fun, but I don't feel any more fulfilled.

 

After much thought, I decided that it wasn't going to work - I can't make myself love him - and he can't change the person that he is - that it would be better and healthier for us to find someone who can make each of us happy. I thought about it for a long time, and last night sat down to tell him I was not happy and planned to end it. I figured he would have seen it coming - but he is bnot very perceptive like that. I have forgiven him for not being very emotinally in touch. I didn't want to tell him it was sexual. I started telling him that he is wonderful, all the good things, that I love him deeply, but that I'm just not happy. I told him he has done everything I have asked, and I appreciate it. I tried to say it "just isn't right", and that I couldn't change that. I had fully intended to end our marriage there, but he spoke logically, and I couldn't argue with what he was saying. He said he thought my not seeing my friends enough probably made me unhappy. That's true, I don't have many close friends around, but that is partly as he never wanted to go out when we first met, and I drifted away. Also, he is so antisocial that it was a drag taking him along as he wouldn't talk to people. But he is a lawyer, and seems to be able to make everything sound logical.So I gave up on the idea of ending it there. We went to bed after alot of crying with no resolution.

 

We woke up this morning and hugged and held each other, and he wanted to have sex. I just don't want to have sex with him any more, and told him that. Til then, I avoided the fact that my dissatisfaction was mainly sexual, but, without mentioning it, there doesnt' seem to be too many problems in our marriage to him - although I think there is. This morning I told him I was just not interested, and that maybe I preferred women, so as not to make him feel bad, as he knows I also like women. I told him he is great - quite skilled, as I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't feel anything when we made love and wanted to stop it from now on. I think that hurt him very much, but that's the truth. I don't want to pretend anymore. I will do things to make him happy, but I don't want to if I can help it.

 

He asked if that was it - was I just going to give up? In my heart I gave up a long time ago. I have prepared myself mentally to leave for some time. To him it probably seemed sudden. But I don't know if there is something I should do - some attempt I should make with him. I love him very much, he really is the person I am closest with in the whole world. I can't imagine only ever having sex with him as long as I live, but I will miss him like mad if we are not together. I also know that you only live once, are only young once. That when I am 60 - I am yhappy with what I have done. He is away for a day for work now, and I want to know where I should begin when he gets back.

 

I know this is long, but it is serious and I am running out of ideas. Thank you so much.

[Tony T]

For some women, sex is not so important. But for you it is. Sex is an extremely important component of a marriage. Sex seems to be important to him as well but he finds you attractive...you are not attracted to him sexually.

 

I guess you know that no matter who you find, eventually you will not be nearly as attracted to them sexually as you were in the beginning. But, it seems in this particular case you came right out of the starting gate with no attraction to him. That wasn't good. Obviously you thought things might work out, that you could work yourself up into an attraction for him and that all of his other good points would make up for things. That didn't happen.

 

There will be pain and everything you said about missing him, etc. is absolutely correct. But you are missing a very important part of a marriage. Even if the attraction for someone doesn't stay at radioactive levels forever, at least you will have experienced it and the lows couldn't be as low as you've seen with your current situation.

 

It seems this guy is almost like a good friend, rather than a husband.

 

There are some women who would be just fine in this arrangement. They have little or no sexual appetite or they would be willing to trade faking it for being married to an attorney. You see that you can't do that. You need to move on.

 

Again, it will be tough. He will not understand. You have been very sensitive to his feelings and I admire you for that. Continue this. There's really no point in crushing him more than you need to.

 

I think you have learned an important lesson here. But remember, things could be the other way around. You might find someone you want to have sex with three times a day but be incompatible in some other ways. You have to decide the things that are really important to you and be willing to make trade-offs. I think sex is one thing you aren't willing to do without.

 

Move forward with your plans and get away as swiftly as possible. I do not recommend you getting out immediately and dating. Give yourself some time to heal and get your head back on straight. And feel no guilt. You are really doing your husband a major favor in the long run. He will be free to find a woman who will find him attractive and desire him sexually.

 

Then when you start to date, don't just settle for men you are attracted to sexually. Look at the entire picture, intelligence, financial stability, honesty, loyalty...look for all the traits you admire...and also be sure you are head over heals for them in the sex department

 

Remember, don't jump into something without giving it a lot of serious thought. Don't be blinded by your desire to find a hot-to-trot sex partner.

 

Good luck.

[utterly confused one]

Thank you a tonne for this wonderful reply. Yes I know I am not attracted to him sexually. I always knew this and hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. I do know that in any relationship the lust will die eventually. Yes I did start off without the attraction, despite the fact that he is an extremely good looking person. I used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me.

 

I would like to have once experienced the passion that seems to be the beginning (and the end) of some relationships. I know older couples who have been married for more than 20 years, and they say the thing that keeps them going is that initial spark they had, is still there after all those years. They still have passion for each other. I really want to experience that. I want to hurt him as little as possible, so that one day we may be friends, and I mostly don't want him to hate me.

 

I know I have to make trade-offs. I have been weighing up the pros and cons for so long, I can't work out what's important anymore. I could do without the sex for so long, but now I ache to feel that special thing with someone I am attracted to.

 

I don't want to date, I don't want to see anyone for the time being. There are a few special people, but I am not interested in commitment for a while.

 

The problem is that I just spoke to him on the phone - he is away - and he was crying and asking if we could just give things a go, to give him a chance. He said we haven't had enough time together, we both travel alot for work, and last year was quite bad. But since Nov we have both been making an effort in the relationship, and both been home most of the time.

 

He doesn't realise I have been trying for so long, I don't see how it could make any difference, but I also don't want to be seen to be not trying, in his eyes. How do I make him know I have been trying all along? But, as everyone says, it's better not to prolong it and give false hope. What do I do in this situation? How do I respond? SHould I be together for a few weeks and then just say it isn't going to work? And then be done with it? Or should I honestly make an effort and see what happens?

 

Anyone's feedback would be helpful, especially if you've been on the other side. Thanks Tony very much!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "How do I make him know I have been trying all along? But, as everyone says, it's better not to prolong it and give false hope. What do I do in this situation? How do I respond? SHould I be together for a few weeks and then just say it isn't going to work? And then be done with it? Or should I honestly make an effort and see what happens?"

 

Only you can answer these questions. Your original post seemed to indicate you have already and "honest" effort, unsuccessfully, and you have been unhappy for a very long time.

 

There is no useful point in stretching this out just to appease your guilt. If you feel you've done enough, and everything you say points to that, just get out of there and move on.

 

If you feel there is a morsel of hope, give it another try. It would seem to me that would be pretty futile. You really sound like you have the sincere desire to be attracted to this guy. If there was some medicine you could take, some mental exercise you could do, some amount of money you could spend to get excited about your husband, I know you would do that. But it doesn't work that way. This is something that just has to come to you naturally...and it is NOT something you have to give a try or be forced to do. The major mistake you made was getting into this in the first place.

 

I think if you have to keep making an effort to be attracted to this guy, you could actually grow bitter and to resent him.

 

Don't drag this on too long. Do what you have to do and cut your losses.

[unnamed]

Sigh.

 

You claim you love him. Bull. If you loved him, there would be no issues such as this. You talk of leaving him, and the most prominent reason is because he does not fulfill you sexually - appearance and act.

 

That is simply pathetic. Nothing less.

 

Your husband deserves better. In fact, a lot better. If you loved your husband, how could you like other women sexually? And, in addition to that, want to experiment with other women? Where is the faith and exclusiveness in that? There are many essential components to marriage and love you are missing. You do not love him, it simple.

 

Leave him. Do him a favour. All you are concerned about is with sex, sex, sex. Sex is NOT an essential component to being happy. If it is, then you're treating your husband like trash. But you already are.

 

If you have problems, then work on them. But if you do not love your husband, why did you marry him? When you marry someone, you love them UNCONDITIONALLY. Thus meaning no matter the appearance, attitude or the like, your "love" (in your case, subtle interest) will not diminish, fade or dissapear. Also, marriage is an eternal committment. Divorce should never be considered, and if it is, then you are not in love.

 

You claim to be in love with your husband. "Deep love." You're not. You would have never written that message had you been in love. However, you might have written a message on how to improve your relationship.

[cass]

Hi - I can totally understand all you are saying because my situation is very similar (but not attracted to women). I find my husband a total turn off and THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT now but didn't used to be. I am married with a child though and worried about how me leaving will affect her.

 

This post is not to give you advice but to say that I understand. The person unnamed who says it's your husband they feel sorry for hasn't got a clue.

 

I will post my ask for help another day because I haven't the time now.

 

Hope you get some advice and sort things out soon.