CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I feel pathetic for making a thread like this, but since I really have no one to discuss this, I wanted to make a discussion that will probably help me get on the right track about this problem. I am very, very lonely. I have been feeling this way for so long that I can't even imagine at this point what it would be to live without this feeling. And the thing is, it's not getting any easier and I am getting even more uncomfortable and depressed about it. All my attempted 'relationships' - yes, it even feels weird to call them relationships because they're more like parodies than actual relationships - have ended like a trainwreck. My first one back when I was in high-school was with a girl who turned out to be a lesbian. Of course later on it turned out she always has been, but back then I got ridiculed by the entire school as a guy who was so pathetic and unattractive that caused a girl to turn her sexuality. It's a stupid immature thing I know, but it was a traumatic experience that haunted me for years. Then I was in love with a girl who got together with me, just so she can get close with my best friend back then, and leave me for him. And since he was my childhood friend and I was always with him, I had to watch them be in love for 5 years in front of me while I suffered and felt like I wasn't good enough. My next girlfriend seemed very interested in me until I caught her having sex with another guy, and then acted as if there was absolutely nothing wrong with that and left me without a blink. That completely destroyed me and I was unable to get attached to anyone for a few years after that. Recently I was rejected by a girl who I mentioned in my last threads, and since that happens, it really doesn't get any easier by the day and I am afraid that it's only getting worse. I can't seem to cope with depression anymore and I feel completely lost. I keep reminding myself that it will pass as always, but I can't stop feeling more and more lonely. I don't want to put the blame on the women, but I can't really seem to find the problem within myself - I am not a bad looking guy, I work out, I have a job, I am quite ambitious and intelligent, I am funny and creative, I dress well and am very hygienic, always finding ways to surprise those close to me and bring happiness in their everyday life. Overall I am happy with the other aspects of my life, and people tell me I always bring the good and positive energy when I am around, and that I always smile and can make everyone smile just by being there, but deep down I feel so lonely. Even when I tried to bring it up to a few different friends and family, they didn't take me seriously "Seriously? Are you joking? You are always so happy and smiling?", which makes me even more hurt. No one ever told me they loved me, not even once. It's not even something I wish to hear anymore, I just want to feel like I actually matter to someone, and I even noticed that when I am attached to someone, I am almost ready to settle for the least amount of attention they're willing to give me. I just feel like I am totally loosing hope of being with someone, and I keep being reminded of that everyday. Just last week in the middle of a party, I realized how everyone else there except me was with their girlfriend, and it actually stroke me so sudden and hard that I had to leave the party because of sadness. I don't know what to do anymore. I am not asking simply for advice on how to find someone, just some suggestions how to deal with depression, sadness and most of all loneliness after so much disappointment in dating. I know it's a long post, but I appreciate the effort of those of you who take the time to read it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Do you have friends you can lean on when you are feeling blue? If not, what are you doing to make friends? Therapy may also help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Do you have friends you can lean on when you are feeling blue? If not, what are you doing to make friends? Therapy may also help. I do have friends, and I am happy with the ones I have, but that's the thing - they also have a significant other, and very rarely hang out without them when we're together. It's okay, the girls are cool and I don't mind them, but still it doesn't help with my issue. I keep getting the same responses once I try to share how I feel - "Keep your head up", "Stay positive", etc. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 The best way in your case to deal with the depression is a counselor. The best way IMO to deal with the lack of women (which in your mind is equal to loneliness) is to find someone who can objectively help you understand why you can't attract or keep women. While you don't think it is you, "they" say that if it is one or two then it may be them, but when it is a series of women, then for some reason it is you...even if it is because you are picking the wrong women. The below link is what I am thinking of when I mention help for dating. This one may be too expensive or out of your area, but it is one example: Smart Dating Academy - Coaching Professionals - Dating Experts A one on one with someone may give you complete insight into your "problems." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 When you find the answer to this...let me know. You're not the only one. I've been dating a whole hell of a lot longer than you...and I've dated a lot. I'm a single, attractive female, with a great job. I keep dating losers and getting my heart broken, after promises of marriage and forever. 4 times in a row actually...promises of marriage and a future. Then over the wkend I met a guy who was perfect for me. Age appropriate, handsome, great job, funny, witty...he was divorced he said. Found out yesterday...he lied. He's not divorced. He's separated only 2 months and still lives with his wife. That's over. I've had my heart broken, lied to, cheated on, promises of the future...proposal, abandonment. It's enough to think there's something wrong with me...but there's not. it's my choices. I'm not going to sit and feel sorry for myself. 90% of the people on this site are lonely, hurt, feeling rejected or confused. You are far from alone. Besides...rather be alone and lonely...than lonely and with someone. Just be patient. Love will come. I promise. Don't be so hard on yourself. Besides, if real love came along so easily, it wouldn't be so special when you finally found it. Consider yourself lucky. Some never struggle and love comes easily. Boring. What fun is that??? Because you've suffered so much, you'll actually appreciate her even more when you find her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Okay, you are in the UK. Not sure where but here is one closer to home maybe: The UK's #1 Dating Coach for Men & Dating Coach London 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Life is about much more than just a romantic life. LIVE, set yourself some personal goals, dreams and work on them. Make friends, get closer to your family, try new things, travel, live a little, volunteer, help those around you that have MUCH less than you! I have been single for 10 years and I have never once said I was lonely! because I was too busy! Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 oh...and don't mix up frustration with depression. You're not depressed, you're just frustrated that you keep getting hurt and it's bringing you down and making you feel sorry for yourself. Depression is a medical issue, that is more chemical, where you're depressed and don't even know why. Nothing can lift your spirits. You actually know what your upset about...so don't throw the depression word around so lightly. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Ok. Now I understand you are looking for a romantic partner not just companionship. You are also hurting from the last break up / rejection & that is making you feel more vulnerable. How often do you reach out to the friends you do have? Get in touch with them now & arrange to do something. Anything. You just need to get out & to move (do something; not relocate) in the short term. A big party especially if it's a couple-y event won't help you. While you are with your mates, ask if their GF's know of anybody they can fix you up with. Also tell your parents & your co-workers you are open to introductions. You never know who knows someone who may be perfect for you. What organizations do you belong to? Are there women there you find interesting? If you don't belong to any organizations, think about things that interest you & go find groups that do that. Volunteer somewhere. Get your favorite candidate elected. Raise money for a cause. Being busy will also help with the loneliness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Life is about much more than just a romantic life. LIVE, set yourself some personal goals, dreams and work on them. Make friends, get closer to your family, try new things, travel, live a little, volunteer, help those around you that have MUCH less than you! I have been single for 10 years and I have never once said I was lonely! because I was too busy! I am doing this all the time actually, and without being full of myself, I spend quite a lot of time helping the ones in need around me, my friends and my family, some who are old and sick and impaired, and I do it on a daily basis. I know I am not the only one who feels lonely, I know that there are people with much worse problems, but I sometimes feel like I get caught in the problems of those around me way too much to actually focus on my own problems and concerns. So what is why I am trying to figure it out by reaching out to others here and seeing their opinions on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 @CharlieFox...you're just having a vulnerable moment and you got sad. You just wanted to reach out to others to know you weren't alone and to kinda get a hug from people who understood. You're going to be fine and this feeling is only temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Do you have any pets? When I felt particularly lonely, walking my dog helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 @CharlieFox...you're just having a vulnerable moment and you got sad. You just wanted to reach out to others to know you weren't alone and to kinda get a hug from people who understood. You're going to be fine and this feeling is only temporary. It's not just a moment unfortunately, I wish it was... Yes I am vulnerable when it comes to this issue, but I am trying to focus on other things and it keeps coming back. And I said depression because it's been going on for weeks - the little free time I have, I just spend doing nothing. Sometimes I just lie in my bed. I don't have the desire to do anything, and when I tried a few times to go out and have fun and try different activities, I don't really enjoy it. I haven't been eating properly for a while, I mean I haven't been eating at all mostly, and sometimes I force myself to eat the right amount of food (healthy too), but I don't even have the desire to do that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 What happened weeks ago that maybe brought this on? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 For clarification so everyone is on the same page... Your loneliness is because you do not have a girlfriend...correct? But you do have friends? So if you solved the no gf problem, then you would no longer be lonely...at least in your mind? Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Your loneliness will not be solved by being with a partner. If you really think so, you're on the road to co-dependency. If you're feeling lonely, even with the friends and family you have around you, something else is wrong. A romantic partner will screw things up, not help. You need counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 For clarification so everyone is on the same page... Your loneliness is because you do not have a girlfriend...correct? But you do have friends? So if you solved the no gf problem, then you would no longer be lonely...at least in your mind? Yes, I do have friends, I am quite sociable, I go out, I attend events with people in my age group, I have close friends, good ones, and they all have their girlfriends who are with them 99% of the time I see them. I know it might be hard to understand that someone can feel lonely even if he is surrounded by people, but it's the way it is. I am missing this from my life, and the gap just grows bigger and bigger. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Just smile all the time... Wilco "How to Fight Loneliness" How to fight loneliness Smile all the time Shine you teeth till meaningless Sharpen them with lies And whatever's going down Will follow you around That's how you fight loneliness You laugh at every joke Drag your blanket blindly And fill your heart with smoke And the first thing that you want Will be the last thing you ever need That's how you fight it Just smile all the time Just smile all the time Just smile all the time Just smile all the time Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I know it might be hard to understand that someone can feel lonely even if he is surrounded by people, but it's the way it is. I am missing this from my life, and the gap just grows bigger and bigger. Oh, I totally understand. Weird thing is....I can feel lonely with my kids and wife sitting in the same room. A GF or wife may alleviate this loneliness, but a bad relationship will bring on a new kind of loneliness. Having said that, I do agree. A partner who loves you as you love her makes life so much enjoyable most of the time. I still think that if I were you, then I would want some sort of objective critique regarding why I could not attract or keep women. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I know it might be hard to understand that someone can feel lonely even if he is surrounded by people, but it's the way it is. I am missing this from my life, and the gap just grows bigger and bigger. No. Sometimes you feel more lonely in a crowd. the depression is making you your own worst enemy: And I said depression because it's been going on for weeks - the little free time I have, I just spend doing nothing. Sometimes I just lie in my bed. I don't have the desire to do anything, and when I tried a few times to go out and have fun and try different activities, I don't really enjoy it. I haven't been eating properly for a while, I mean I haven't been eating at all mostly, and sometimes I force myself to eat the right amount of food (healthy too), but I don't even have the desire to do that.. Especially when you only want to lie around, you have to force yourself to do something. Even taking a walk around the block will help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CharlieFox Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 I guess the problem is indeed that I just keep getting attracted to the wrong women. Most, if not in all occasions, I am attracted to someone who, no matter how objective I am, seems rather normal and good, and then something comes out of nowhere (like the girl telling me she is actually a lesbian and said yes to my proposal to date just so that her classmates don't think there is anything wrong with her, or catching my gf having sex with someone else just a few hours after sending me a message how excited she is to see me and can't wait to get together with me) that just completely shocks me and I keep getting thoughts about me being the wrong or what did I do to make this happen. I try to bring the most when I am trying to date someone, I mean I am not too pushy or anything, but bring a good balance between being flirty, provide a good and intelligent conversations, take the girl out of the blue by providing and exciting and unique experience most of the time, and at the end I am left with the feeling that it was all unappreciated and meaningless. I do not get into episodes where I beg someone to be with me or be too clingy or needy, but the girls never seem too bothered to leave me. Like, I am not even sure if they miss me one bit, because it does seem like I am bringing something to their lives that is worth having and valuable, at a point at least. Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Probably the only solvent point for you to recognize right now is that your perspective is clouded by emotional reasoning. You're in the midst of a depression. Your one and only goal should be to do your utmost to take care of you. That means cleaning up your living space, exercising, eating nutritiously and most of all, anything that can keep your mind occupied so it doesn't cycle through the endless parade of hurtful thoughts. What you feel is not who you are or what you're destined to be. Give yourself a break from thoughts of relationships or whatever else your mind scrambles to make sense of. It's not well suited for the task right now. All the best 2 Link to post Share on other sites
boilingpoint Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I guess the problem is indeed that I just keep getting attracted to the wrong women. Most, if not in all occasions, I am attracted to someone who, no matter how objective I am, seems rather normal and good, and then something comes out of nowhere (like the girl telling me she is actually a lesbian and said yes to my proposal to date just so that her classmates don't think there is anything wrong with her, or catching my gf having sex with someone else just a few hours after sending me a message how excited she is to see me and can't wait to get together with me) that just completely shocks me and I keep getting thoughts about me being the wrong or what did I do to make this happen. I try to bring the most when I am trying to date someone, I mean I am not too pushy or anything, but bring a good balance between being flirty, provide a good and intelligent conversations, take the girl out of the blue by providing and exciting and unique experience most of the time, and at the end I am left with the feeling that it was all unappreciated and meaningless. I do not get into episodes where I beg someone to be with me or be too clingy or needy, but the girls never seem too bothered to leave me. Like, I am not even sure if they miss me one bit, because it does seem like I am bringing something to their lives that is worth having and valuable, at a point at least. If you're feeling some emptiness inside you then chances are it's an inside issue i.e. maybe you're not ready for a relationship despite wanting one. However dating chicks might help that issue anyway, while you're try to figure your life out. Try online dating and just go out with a few girls here and there, have fun with it and know that you'll meet someone eventually. Also, while you're figuring out your goals, dating skills etc, just write about your problems. It's great therapy in itself. Link to post Share on other sites
boilingpoint Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Also make sure you're not hanging around with *******s... "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *******s." William Gibson Link to post Share on other sites
boilingpoint Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 ok since that was censored, make sure you're not hanging around *jerks* Link to post Share on other sites
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