Trying again but partner wants to keep it a secret

[milk]

Hi! My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months now, with the last few months being extremely rough for us. We were on and off constantly at that time and it became tiring for both of us.

 

Our last breakup was extremely hard on me as it seemed like I was the only one who wanted to pick up the pieces. I tried to reconcile our relationship but he kept telling me that he was over me. It seemed like he moved on with his life (eating and sleeping well, going out to bars and clubs with his friends) and wanted to focus on school. Last Sunday we had something extremely important to talk about so we ended up seeing each other and apparently his feelings for me flooded back which I think was due to me doing a lot of reflection, self-help, and improving myself. I told him that I couldn't see or speak to him anymore after that meeting and he did not want to let me out of his life. He proposed to start over or to even just be friends(no thanks..). We decided to 'date' again rather than jumping back into a relationship.

 

We talked again the night after and he told me that he would like to keep this a secret between us for one or two months because he is embarrassed about how often he tells his friends that we are broken up and back together. He now says that we are 'seeing each other,' which according to him is past dating and much closer to being in a relationship. I can somewhat understand his thought process as I know some of my friends would be angry at me for getting back with him, but I also think that if you really love someone then who cares what people think?

 

I guess I am just wondering if you all agree with him wanting to keep us a secret for this reason. I am also thinking that because we have been so on and off because he would like to see how well that one or two months goes and much both of us have changed before going public. I have just never been in a secret relationship before and being secretive at all should at least raise some concern, right? He has always been faithful, loving, and proud of me as a girlfriend, I am just sometimes afraid that this won't lead to a relationship like I'm hoping for and that he may think he is better off staying like this with me or even without me (which would be his loss...!!). I am going to persevere though! and focus on school, haha.

 

TLDR; my ex and I are seeing each other again and he wants to keep it a secret because he is embarrassed of how often he tells his friends we are on and off. he wants to wait 1 or 2 months before coming out about it. the secret part scares me as well as this little secret not leading to a relationship..!

[Standard-Fare]

The issue isn't really your BF wanting to keep this a secret. The issue is that he feels insecure about this relationship and has doubts about its ability to succeed. He wants to make sure the relationship is on a more stable path before he takes it completely seriously and reserves that special spot for it in his life.

 

Given the on/off nature of your past, I can understand where your BF is coming from. But I can also understand why you're upset about it.

 

I think you should allow your BF at least a couple weeks to adjust and get comfortable, without giving him hassle or demands. It's also in YOUR best interest to make sure this reunion isn't just a fluke.

 

If you're still together in a few weeks, and you're on the same page in committing to each other/the future, then maybe you could start worrying about other people. But right now, your focus should be on him.

[d0nnivain]

Standard fare explained this better than I could.

 

On & off again relationships are unhealthy. Merry-go-rounds & roller coasters should be for amusement parks not love.

 

Until you can prove to yourselves that you can make this work (& I have real doubts that this is possible) there is no sense giving everybody else a front row seat to your latest drama. Friends & family will only make this harder on you as they tell you why you are crazy to even try.

[caplion]

I can understand his motives, it makes sense - but they are flawed and kind of lame. This maybe impossible to do - but why not remain "friends" for a set amount of time - say three week - don't sleep together - sort of date each other like you are in middle school. And then talk again in three weeks.

 

Don't worry for one second what other people think - they really won't care one way of the other and if they do care they'll care for about 24 hours and then they'll have something else to do.

 

However, there does sound like a maturity issue - which if you are young is fine. You both could use some work on being in a relationship....hard to get without massive amount of time though.