It's been over a year now.

[ShannonBanana]

It's been over a year now. I can't believe it! I joined this group in June of 2013 as my life was turned upside down, inside out. The truth was found out on Valentine's Day 2014 as I trolled what I could see on his FB page to find his new girlfriend and her blog. Her blog showed the details that their life had started well before he informed me of his decision to ask for a divorce.

 

Before that, while I was living with him half of the world away, I was sent home packing and was the one that needed to do the dirty work of filing and starting the divorce process since he and the broad moved to another country together.

 

Here it is, over a year later and the sadness is still there beneath the surface. It only takes a few drinks for the sadness to creep back in and the tears of a failed marriage, regret and the loss of my husband to creep in. It's always the saddest thing for me to know that he doesn't think of these things. There is no sadness for him, yet I can't help the tears that come when my defences are lowered.

 

Will there ever be relief from the sadness? I've moved on in every way but every once in a while I want to repair the marriage. I want what I had married and thought would work out. I want the man I thought I married. How does it all turn to utter crap and nothing is left, but me holding the bag of what I hoped and worked hard for?

 

I wish there were no more tears. I wish there were no more regrets over a marriage that was toxic for me, no more heartache over the loss of some jerk that never knew what I had to offer anyways and the love that I did show during the marriage.

Edited September 23, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[trippi1432]

I think that, as cliche', as it sounds...it just takes time. That and finding that inner strength to care and love yourself so you can move forward. Just like you said, it only take a few drinks for the sadness to creep back in, it's a multiplier to what you are feeling.

 

I think that with or without that multiplier, it's only natural to look back and ask what you could have done differently....or even what your spouse could have done differently. But when you love and respect yourself enough you can let go of blaming yourself for what you wish you should have done (even if that is wishing you had walked away from a toxic marriage - such was my biggest angst) and you can finally let go of something you couldn't change.....him and what he could have/should have done.

 

It's indifference, and that truly begins when you forgive yourself (the should have/would have/could have) and the rest (him/the marriage/the affair) no longer matters. For you, it will come, just keep your head up and out of the FB pages.

 

Hang in there. xx

Edited September 23, 2014 by trippi1432
typo

[Shocked Suzie]

1 year seems a long time but it's not... It is all still very raw. 19 months for me, on the 18 month mark I felt a real shift... Instead of focusing on the loss and whys, I started to look at myself and what I want... Who I am... Where I am going. This was another set back, but also a great step forward. I focused on the parts that I really didn't like much and me weaknesses.

 

Pulling myself out of that one now... It's all part of the growth process that's for sure! This time though it was about me not what was.

 

It does get better, even if it feels like it's a different type of punch after another

 

SS x .... still early days, give yourself a break

[ShannonBanana]

Thank you for the kind words Trippi and SS. It's always nice to know I am not alone.