surrealmess Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 (edited) I have been married for 12 years and have been by all accounts a model husband the whole time. Sex has been severely lacking for most of the marriage, and my wife has definitely had depression and emotional dependency issues. Her job is really dominating her life, which is a shame because she really hates what she does. Over the last 3 months or so she has become increasingly depressed, and refused to seek help even though I told her a number of times that she needed to see a counselor. Over the last week it all came to a head, and we have had a couple of really heavy discussions during which I told her she needs to make changes and I am about out of patience. Yesterday she finally admitted that she is depressed and expressed desire to see someone. Today she tried to get me to have sex with her in hopes that I would get her pregnant and it would therefore be harder for me to leave. She admitted this to me word for word. She constantly looks for me to tell her I love her and looks for validation of the marriage, which makes me feel terrible. I still love her, and in a lot of ways she is a tremendously sweet person, but I have to be crazy to stay at this point, don't I? FWIW we have no kids. I'm thinking that me going to a counselor is a good next step. If a friend told me this I think I would be inclined to tell him to get out ASAP, but I really never thought I would end up in this situation and am pretty much in shock and denial. Thanks in advance for your perspective. Edited September 24, 2014 by surrealmess typo Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 (edited) I know how it feels, as I deal with it. When you feel things are demanding, you feel helpless even if they are in best intentions. As long as your wife stays depressed, this will be an ongoing issue. We have had 5 years of a wonderful life living to together, waiting for the right time financially to get married. So her depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder was stable enough not to feel the tittering of stability is on ones shoulders. Once she had a dramatic change that effected her personal outlook, and caused difficulty with drugs being effective, I am trapped by being her only support, and will not leave her alone to see everything crash around her by melting down. I feel helpless in knowing at anytime things could end, but it won't be because of me leaving. Now, you see my side of the coin... yours is more open to allow freedom of choice without burdon. She wants a fling... Knowing that she will only get temporary satisfaction that can spiral out of control. It is best to get her professional help that can make adjustments to her meds if taking them for depression. If she is unwilling or unable to find relief through the proper channels, then I would suggest separation as it may be the best alternative. As she has lost comprehension of what love is, because depression blocks such deep feelings. Feelings are now expressed as material... Sex, words of love, gifts, and appreciation of her body. If you are so hurt, expressing in such ways is the last thing you think of, as all you can do is want to be there and hold her, and show you are there for her. Unfortunately she sees you as an uncomfortable couch that she has to sit on. It sounds harsh, but she needs to see you are not added to the source of her negative feelings. As depressed people will drag what ever in at anytime to feel anger or resentment. By keeping away you both can clear your heads of such matters, as most of the time, denial will take form and keep what needs to be addressed from being taken care of. Yes work will stress one out, and make being depressed even more so. Allowing her to feel free to release stress on her own accord than to be around to make her feel confined, will allow your contact to be seen clearer and discussion easier. To be truthful a depressed person is the only one who can bring themselves out of depression. Sometimes a bit of freedom to be alone helps more than feeling smothered. Edited September 24, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 If you start getting counseling, perhaps she will see that it's OK to seek help. She may be lost or ashamed. Once she gets her own therapist hopefully she will be more open to marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
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