Article about narcissists and why they ignore you after break up!

[singsparkles]

The Deafening Brutality of the Narcissist’s Silent Treatment:

 

 

Feeling included is crucial to the human experience. Humans must feel connected to each other to be happy, even introverts who enjoy a large amount of independence.

 

 

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the need to belong and feel accepted falls under the basic needs of food, water, and safety. In fact, this need can be so strong, it can override the needs for food and safety.

 

 

Psychologists consider the silent treatment a form of abuse. It’s a popular form of mental torture used by Narcissists, whereby they cut their victims off by not talking to them for extended periods of time. Sometimes days or weeks, which keeps the victim in a constant state of fight-or-flight, during which they feel isolated and rejected, as well as physically sick. The body’s physical reactions to this mental anguish are real. Headaches, stomachaches, and a general punched-in the-gut feeling.

 

 

When the Narcissist ignores, shuns, and ostracizes you, it’s more hostile and aggressive than if they’d verbally attacked you.

 

 

Because this type of abuse is harder to specify, it can be harder to heal from. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Silent treatments trigger what is called “Social pain” in this part of the brain, which also detects actual physical pain.

 

 

The depth of pain from the silent treatment depends upon the intensity of the Narcissist’s ignoring. The pain detected by the brain then makes the victim feel lonely and rejected. It lowers the self-esteem and the victim thinks his/her life is unworthy. It causes great harm to the sentiments of the victim. This condition may even cause critical conditions and permanent damage to the victim’s psyche.

 

 

Read the rest of the article here.

Edited September 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loversquarrel]

Good article, I had an ex that would do this to me. We would get into an argument on the phone and she would abruptly hang up and not answer my texts nor the phone upon call back. She was capable of ignoring me like this for days. It caused a lot of anxiety and fear of it happening again, I couldn't trust her reactions to certain difficult conversations.

[mightycpa]

If your partner has used this form of emotional abuse to get you to comply with their demands, you should consider using the opportunity to initiate No Contact.

 

I find it ironic that the cure for abuse is to abuse the abuser permanently.

 

No Contact is, after all, the ultimate Time-Out.

 

Not saying you're wrong, but that just jumped out at me.

[CT98]

My ex used to do this, we'd have a disagreement or an argument, then she'd send me a text putting across her point of view followed by 'I'm turning my phone off' I would get so angry because I didn't get to have my say, so I'd have to wait for a few days for it all to blow over then we'd be back to normal not actually having discussed the problem; just me being happy that she'd come round and started talking again.

 

Not healthy!

[leavesonautumn]

My ex would do it for weeks/months at a time. He has never been diagnosed with any personality disorders but he is borderline narcissist and suffers easily from addiction, based on my personal experience. Whenever we were together, I had this nagging feeling that he would drop me at any moment and when we were apart, I'd just wait for him because I knew he'd come back.

 

Thanks for sharing the article, very interesting read.

[rose27]

I had an ex who did this to me often and once I realised that I should follow through with the 'no contact' rule, he'd start to freak out because he was scared of losing me.

 

I'm also going through something similar in a current relationship where he'll hang up if he doesn't like something that I say then tells me not to call, although it's not as extreme as my last ex because we always resolved our issues before we went to sleep rather than not talk for a few days. It's still wrong though and it's causing us to have so many problems.

[singsparkles]

Good article, I had an ex that would do this to me. We would get into an argument on the phone and she would abruptly hang up and not answer my texts nor the phone upon call back. She was capable of ignoring me like this for days. It caused a lot of anxiety and fear of it happening again, I couldn't trust her reactions to certain difficult conversations.

 

 

 

I'm glad you liked it. I started reading it and figured it was SUCH a good share, because I believe there are many people that suffer from this behavior from their significant other after a break up.

 

Its a very sucky feeling ... I know, I still have anxiety and fear, and my ex and I have been broken up for months, yet I still look at the phone every time it rings wishing it is him...but it never is.

 

It sounds like your ex was very flighty and non reliable and inconsistent which are horrible traits that hurt everyone around them. I'm sorry you went through what you did.

 

I hope you stay keeping NC. It seems like she is a narcissist and derives happiness from ignoring you. You deserve so much better than that!!! Don't give her the time of day, she doesn't deserve any of your time! You're too good for her. Remember this. You are worthy of a beautiful, peaceful relationship with happiness!

[singsparkles]

I find it ironic that the cure for abuse is to abuse the abuser permanently.

 

No Contact is, after all, the ultimate Time-Out.

 

Not saying you're wrong, but that just jumped out at me.

 

 

 

It does sound like that... but I think what the article is saying is that ignoring someone who causes you the pain of ignoring you will set you free and will allow you to be happy once again. If you keep responding to someone who constantly ignores you for power and only talks to you on their terms, you are only ruining your self confidence and dignity even more because they dont deserve our reactions!

[singsparkles]

My ex used to do this, we'd have a disagreement or an argument, then she'd send me a text putting across her point of view followed by 'I'm turning my phone off' I would get so angry because I didn't get to have my say, so I'd have to wait for a few days for it all to blow over then we'd be back to normal not actually having discussed the problem; just me being happy that she'd come round and started talking again.

 

Not healthy!

 

 

 

 

Wow, that is just horrible :/ I could understand how you would feel horrible having someone treat you like that, it plays with your psyche big time and it hurts a lot.

 

Sounds like she was horrible at communication which makes for a very bad, unhealthy relationship. You deserve better and I hope you know this. You deserve better. You're too good for her because you actually have feelings and emotions and are mature enough to want to talk them through. She seems to be very immature or maybe that is just who she is... and she will be that way with any guy, not just you! Don't blame yourself!

[Haydn]

These articles are all well and good but it still equates to the same thing. They have moved on. We are justifying their actions as a condition.Maybe they just were not into us as much as our ego believed? Just a thought.

[singsparkles]

My ex would do it for weeks/months at a time. He has never been diagnosed with any personality disorders but he is borderline narcissist and suffers easily from addiction, based on my personal experience. Whenever we were together, I had this nagging feeling that he would drop me at any moment and when we were apart, I'd just wait for him because I knew he'd come back.

 

Thanks for sharing the article, very interesting read.

 

 

 

Wow, have I been through what you've been through! The worst feeling in the world is being threatened by someone you love that they will leave you at any given moment. It makes you feel helpless and horribly sad. He definitely seems narcissistic and could possibly have a mental disorder!

 

Im glad you got out of that relationship! So glad to hear that, because you deserve so much better!

 

All men like that ignore you, and when you stop messaging them, they always come crawling back. It's just that...we need to stop letting them come back, and instead, we need to ignore them because they just don't deserve us. Nobody deserves their mind to be played with like that! Its horrible!

 

So many other fish in the sea who would die to be with the same person another person is treating like sh*t!

[Maleficent]

I find it ironic that the cure for abuse is to abuse the abuser permanently.

 

No Contact is, after all, the ultimate Time-Out.

 

Not saying you're wrong, but that just jumped out at me.

 

I was going to point this out too.

 

haha!

Edited September 24, 2014 by Maleficent

[singsparkles]

These articles are all well and good but it still equates to the same thing. They have moved on. We are justifying their actions as a condition.Maybe they just were not into us as much as our ego believed? Just a thought.

 

 

 

I understand your point. I think everyone's situation is different. In my case, the guy I was with treated me like an absolute princess, held my hand 24/7, kissed me at every red light, opened my car doors, called me beautiful every other second and also introduced me to 28 of his guy friends the very first date we went on. He also claimed he had never felt for any girl what he felt for me.

 

Then his insecurities got to him and he thought I cheated on him (bc we live a state away and I'd only see him on weekends) and not once did I cheat on him. Then he started calling me names like "sl*t" and "wh*re" etc etc and he made me cry so many times in front of him and over the phone.

 

Then when I began to become psycho and called and texted him all day, explaining to him that I wanted the old him back, he just started ignoring me for months on end. But he will still text or call me like every three weeks when it's convenient for him. I think he loves the power he has over me, and is a complete narcissist.

[singsparkles]

I was going to point this out too.

 

haha!

 

 

 

I respect your opinion, but How can you be rooting for the abuser as if we should just treat them great after they put us through hell? I will never understand that concept. If they didn't abuse us, there'd be no reason to ignore them. But since they do, it's best we keep our distance so we're able to keep our pride and dignity. I think it's a very valid point. We're not ignoring them TO HURT THEM. We are ignoring them to gain OUR happiness back!

[stillafool]

 

Then when I began to become psycho and called and texted him all day, explaining to him that I wanted the old him back, he just started ignoring me for months on end. But he will still text or call me like every three weeks when it's convenient for him. I think he loves the power he has over me, and is a complete narcissist.

 

I really don't understand the "why they ignore you after a break up" part. When people are broken up aren't they suppose to ignore and move on? Also regarding the bolded part above: why do you give him power over you? If you two are broken up why haven't you moved on?

[singsparkles]

I really don't understand the "why they ignore you after a break up" part. When people are broken up aren't they suppose to ignore and move on? Also regarding the bolded part above: why do you give him power over you? If you two are broken up why haven't you moved on?

 

 

I feel like I'm seriously getting badgered on this post. Why do you think it's so easy to just turn off your care for someone like a light switch? Its not that easy. I am working on and doing my best. I actually dont contact him at all anymore, but I know if I did, he would ignore me like he did in the beginning of our break up. I am working towards happiness, but everyone has feelings and it's not as easy as people make it out to be. Just because you're broken up, doesn't mean you move on right away like it was nothing.

 

I agree that I shouldnt give him power over me and that is exactly what the article is about; leaving things and people in the past who obviously dont care about you (shown from their actions)

[singsparkles]

And also, it would be one thing if he ignored me completely, but he still messages me every three weeks and wants to see me just to give me enough attention to keep me there. So its not just me contacting him.

[Maleficent]

I respect your opinion, but How can you be rooting for the abuser as if we should just treat them great after they put us through hell? I will never understand that concept. If they didn't abuse us, there'd be no reason to ignore them. But since they do, it's best we keep our distance so we're able to keep our pride and dignity. I think it's a very valid point. We're not ignoring them TO HURT THEM. We are ignoring them to gain OUR happiness back!

 

well basically, what your article describes is basically No Contact. Essentially, you just called a ****load of people here narcissists. I'm not rooting for the abuser at all.

 

I get what you are trying to explain, but perhaps it's not as black and white as you make it out to be.

[singsparkles]

well basically, what your article describes is basically No Contact. Essentially, you just called a ****load of people here narcissists. I'm not rooting for the abuser at all.

 

I get what you are trying to explain, but perhaps it's not as black and white as you make it out to be.

 

 

 

 

 

I understand your situation may be different, but I posted that article for people who are going through the same situation as myself, and its very painful.

[Maleficent]

I understand your situation may be different, but I posted that article for people who are going through the same situation as myself, and its very painful.

 

Everyone's situation is different and everyone has different views and this is what these forums are for.

I'm sorry you went through something painful but we still don't have to agree with your view of things.

 

Some of us picked on the irony and pointed it out.

[OwMyEyeball]

well basically, what your article describes is basically No Contact. Essentially, you just called a ****load of people here narcissists. I'm not rooting for the abuser at all.

 

I get what you are trying to explain, but perhaps it's not as black and white as you make it out to be.

The article describes behaviours - silent treatment - within an established relationship so shouldn't extend to one that's ended.

 

Once that relationship has been formally ended then I don't see how NC can be considered a form of "silent treatment" as described in this article.

 

As for the article, I'd also want to see a bit more of an explanation as to how the silent treatment, which is entirely inappropriate and hurtful in any relationship, is consistent with Narcissism.

 

Or has narcissist been boiled down here to simply mean self-absorbed / selfish?

 

@OP - There's no doubt that this guy has issues, but NPD might not be one of them.

 

Seems your issue is believing he has control. How is that possible? Aren't you in full control of your thoughts? In situations of romance, people don't take power from us - we surrender it to them.

[singsparkles]

Everyone's situation is different and everyone has different views and this is what these forums are for.

I'm sorry you went through something painful but we still don't have to agree with your view of things.

 

Some of us picked on the irony and pointed it out.

 

 

 

 

Its one thing to disagree, but another to poke fun at someone else's opinions and feelings and call the things they talk about seriously and things that mean a lot to them "irony". I understand you're on the other end of the spectrum, but people come on this site sometimes feeling very sad and wanting to be understood. To be borderline poked fun at as if my article was stupid is very hurtful. But I understand and no need to say more. Agree to disagree.

[Snaggletooth]

Unless someone has been doing you harm, No Contact is pretty shabby behavior. To capture someone's friendship, trust, heart and then cut them dead is awful. I don't know why it became such common advice. The world has changed, when I was a lad you were told you had a responsibility and duty towards those who care for you, even when splitting up with them up with them. Now people discard each other like trash. It is narcissistic. Mind, we live in a narcissistic world, so it's become acceptable behavior and generic advice.

[singsparkles]

The article describes behaviours - silent treatment - within an established relationship so shouldn't extend to one that's ended.

 

Once that relationship has been formally ended then I don't see how NC can be considered a form of "silent treatment" as described in this article.

 

As for the article, I'd also want to see a bit more of an explanation as to how the silent treatment, which is entirely inappropriate and hurtful in any relationship, is consistent with Narcissism.

 

Or has narcissist been boiled down here to simply mean self-absorbed / selfish?

 

@OP - There's no doubt that this guy has issues, but NPD might not be one of them.

 

Seems your issue is believing he has control. How is that possible? Aren't you in full control of your thoughts? In situations of romance, people don't take power from us - we surrender it to them.

 

 

 

It IS Selfish to ignore someone you once loved while they're in complete pain. I could NEVER do that to someone, even if I fell out of love with them. I'm really done talking on this board. I came here for support, and all I get is long paragraphs about how my emotions and opinions are underlying dumb, and how somehow you all know me suddenly and think I'm this powerless person. I'm sorry you didn't agree with the article, but it helped me.

[singsparkles]

Unless someone has been doing you harm, No Contact is pretty shabby behavior. To capture someone's friendship, trust, heart and then cut them dead is awful. I don't know why it became such common advice. The world has changed, when I was a lad you were told you had a responsibility and duty towards those who care for you, even when splitting up with them up with them. Now people discard each other like trash. It is narcissistic. Mind, we live in a narcissistic world, so it's become acceptable behavior and generic advice.

 

 

 

 

SOOOO true! Love your reply. I believe I live in the olden days as well. I am very old fashioned mind set wise, and even if I were to break up with someone & have no feelings for them whatsoever, I would never be able to brutally ignore them because my compassion is too strong. It is extremely disappointing how nowadays people truly do throw other people out like trash, as if they never existed, after a relationship, or even argument or fight. There is no respect today from people and it is very heart wrenching to watch. Wish I could change the world, but I can't. I guess we can only change ourselves and just remain good, compassionate, loving , understanding people.