I need help!! Please!!

[Tiff]

Hello,

 

I'm having more problems. My last post was this:

 

I'm having a hard time letting go.

 

Tiff -- Tuesday, 6 February 2001, at 12:33 a.m.

 

This is the story from that day on. It gets so weird too. Ahhh!

 

Ok this situation has taken a few curves. I was slightly depressed over the beginning of Feb. I was facing my inner child and learning to forgive. I felt so good about everything by Feb. 9th. I was happy and well adjusted. i felt like I was over my ex.

 

Then as fate has it, he contacts me. He IMed me to say hi. I am not the type of person to not listen to people. So I talked back.

 

He was pretty bitter at first and cold. I was surprised. He was so different. I felt so bad for him. Only because I already felt bad before, now it was only worse.

 

He told me all sorts of things and asked all sorts of things. They include: why I never said hi and he was angry about Christmas, because he gave me a gift and I never said anything about it, in his opinion. He asked about so much that happened over the two months of no contact. I felt wierd saying it all.

 

During this conversation, I felt a little funny. A part of me was flattered and so happy that there was a possible chance again. Another part of me was thinking, what the hell. Why is this guy so hurt; I was standing up for my right to live the way I wanted to. Then another part of me was relieved. I knew he didn't hate me and I could still eb friends with him. Finally, the other part of me was scared. I was scared to do the same mistakes I did before.

 

I started getting confused that night. I ended up speaking with him for 2 hours. I could hardly sleep that night because of that. He was so hurt about something. I couldn't stand it. he was complaining about his friends and family. saying after we broke up no one was the friend he wanted but his best friend. I was thinking about all this and I couldn't help but think, "Oh my God, why is he saying this? Does he want me still? Is he depressed? Does he not have a self esteem?" I couldn't help but think these things. They scared me at first. He was even telling me about some of this friends, and their comments after we broke up about me. He said all of them were tearing me down but he didn't think I was that way. So many questions arose at this time, "Does he really like me still? Was he trying to tell me those things for support or revenge? Was he angry or sad?" All these things ran through my mind.

 

He even mention some of his pretty close friends and bad mouthed them because of me. I just want to know what this meant. It so bizzare, and I never been in this situation before. i had also mentioned about some things I've learned when he said things about different things that hurt him. I told him that he should do whatever the hell he wants and stop doing everything for everyone else.

 

Well, the next day at school, he seemed happy. He still said never anything but we did make eye contact for a moment, which is more than we've done in a month and a half. That day I was trying to rememeber what it is that I said in the very beginning. I won't date a guy who has a self esteem problem. he isn't anytime soon going to change, so I decided to forget all attraction as well.

 

I was a bit mean at this moment, but his friend, who sat at my table, kept asking all the girls, "who is more attractive?" In my mind I don't have the right to think he is attractive. Immaturity is not attractive at all. So I replied, that his friend was. Of course, i didn't realize that he was going to start braging. i felt bad, but I also felt I was truly over him.

 

Two days later it was Valentine's Day. I felt so good that day, especially in the class I was in with my ex. I was happy because I was stable for once. i felt that balance. i was so good off that I actually responded to him. he was seeing my test score. i did better than everyone else and he made a look. i was so proud of myself I forgot everything that had happened. i felt he was a friend, just a friend. it was wonderful. but he looked so sad still.

 

Well the next day, I started feeling guilty for not keeping in contact. I did need to do it but i felt bad because I said I would stay friends with him and I didn't do that. So i sent him a quick apology. I wanted to say I didn't contact him because I was feeling guilty for the things I said out of anger and later I thought he hated me. I had to do this for myself. I needed true closure or at least have my true self out there.

 

Well when i sent it, i said hi over IMs later. I wanted to see what he had to say. I ended up talking for another two hours. We talked about a lot of things. He was really depressed. He said he had dated another girl for a bit and after that he hated women. I couldn't stand to hear all that. He was so dramatic. I thought I was emotional.

 

Well, some things he said seemed a bit usual. He said that he just got over me and hes been tired. He says he can't trust anyone. I asked him if he trusted himself. He said no. So he went off on all this stuff. He is so (not to be rude but) pathetic. I mean I can see why it all could get someone down so much but he seemed to want attention. I gave a lot of attention to him before. He was constantly saying he didn't trust anyone and how he hasn't been the same since i broke up with him. He was tired and can be better. I felt so bad about everything. I wanted to help so I tried to cheer him up. I asked what he liked about himself and wanted to hear about that. I think i made him feel better but then other things happened.

 

He asked some questions about me or something. Like whether or not I thought some people were hot or not. That made me feel weird. I mean, he is my ex. That seemed to be something that shouldn't come up. Then he started talking about the things he gets to do later. About his looks and so on. He seemed to want me to compliment him or see if I still liked him or something.

 

Then, he asked whether or not I thought Russell Crow was hot. I said yes. Then he said you think everyone is. I said yes to a degree. Then he said something that at the time I saw as a joke but now its rude and disrespectful. He said I should be careful, or I will become a whore. That disturbed me at first so I said there is a difference between dating and attraction. But now I am really pissed off. That was so rude. Then he had commented about how he does the same thing. Attraction towards everyone. But I thought something was weird here.

 

By the end of the conversation he was saying things like he was going to get a hair cut like a prince for a play. The way he said it, it was almost like he wanted a compliment. Then when I started talking about something i was happy about, he got off with saying goodbye.

 

The next day, I felt really good. I thought I helped him. I saw him in the hall and waved. Then, I started thinking about it. All over the day. I was thinking, its amazing that something good you do for someone else you will end up getting something back in return eventually. I thought this because some stranger gave me a ride to school when I was walking in the rain and it was cold. I felt wonderful that day, but at the time where I had the class with him. He never once acted like he had for the past few days. He was as he was before.

 

I didn't think about it at the time but he was really trying to get attention. He doesn't want to be my friend. He wanted someone to treat him like a kid again. He also envied children and their carefree life. It makes sense.

 

He is such a confusion. He says he wants respect, but he can't treat others with respect because he doesn't respect himself. He wanted to talk to me those nights, but now that i look at it. It wasn't because he really wanted a friend. He wanted someone to take the burden off himself. The worst part of that is that I for a while wanted to get back together with him, at some point. I didn't realize he was in fact using me. I thought he actually cared. I will still be there to a degree. I can't stop that. I have always felt everyone deserves someone to talk to, but I will never let him get to far. He will never be a true friend. He doesn't know how nor will he want to. I hope one day he will realize that I am doing a good thing for him. I know in time he will see that, but still, he si so rude.

 

I can't believe his anger. As I see it, he is so confused. He is never the same person. In class, he is really extroverted and a show off. In clubs, he's really goofy. At home or in private he is quiet and depressed. He is so confused. It seems like is faking something. Maybe I over analyse things but I would like to know what is going on. I do care. I can't say I don't, but I wish he would grow up.

 

After what has been said and done. I liked him at first because he was confident, outgoing, sweet, in touch with his emotions, smart, popular, fun, and seemed to be himself because he did things that seemed weird. Like he was not afraid to be his weird self. But now as I see everything unraveling in my mind. I see he isn't the person I though he was as well as him. Everything he did was so weird it wasn't healthy.

 

Just to say the least, he is a work-a-holic, he was jealous, self conscience, suicidal, scared, he felt no one ever really cares, he didn't trust anyone, he hated his family, and he always had to do things for others. Later, I realized that his behavior was a sign of co-dependence. He has a lack of self esteem and he causes his own problems. I want to help, but I don't want his problems to be mine as well. I want to know how to do that.

 

I see people who are like that and I feel for them. I used to be that way too. Now I see it is important to be yourself and stand up for yourself. I will if i notice it. I am kinda oblivious at times. I learned a lot from the relationship, but because I did feel that way too. I see him and want to help. But I know in my heart i can't. No one can but him. I want to stay a friend and be helpful, but I can't let it get to me. How do i do that?

 

I ask for advice because I am oblivious. I have a hard time seeing the different options, but once I do i follow my heart and see where it goes. Please help me. Thank you for your time.

[sparkle]

Hi Tiff,

 

I read your post, but it was veryyyyyyyy long..and it's rather late, so maybe that's why I had a hard time understanding what exactly you were asking.

 

Your ex is having a difficult time coping, and you want to help him out? But you are over him and don't want to get involved with him?

 

Maybe in another (much shorter) post, you could re-state what you were having a problem with and we can try to help you out.

 

Take care.