Cheating and alcohol

[Anais]

Alcohol changes one’s personality totally. What the person becomes after drinking is not the person before.

 

It damages carriers, marriages, slowly kills the person.

 

 

 

I don’t mean that everyone who drinks cheats or who cheats drinks. But to my observation these two are often related and next each other.

 

 

Now my questions:

 

1) If you ever cheated on your SO or had a relationship with OW/OM were you also drinking a lot that time?

(Or if some that you knew cheated did he/she also drink?)

2) If you used to drink a lot did you also cheat on your SO or had a relationship with OW/OM?

 

What are your thoughts on the subject?

[Moose]

I certainly have had thoughts, desire, and temptation to cheat while I was drinking as heavily as I used to. I've had a lot of opportunities to do it too. What stopped me most of the time was the thought that I couldn't live with myself. Because I would feel the guilt, and it would be so real that it wouldn't let me sleep.

 

I can see where, yes, alcohol and temtpation to cheat will usually end up with negative effects.

 

The real question, and a more interesting one is:

 

"Does the fact the guilty party was drinking and intoxicated at the time, excuse them from the immoral act of cheating?"

 

I wouldn't find it surprising at all to find that most people would like that to be a valid reason now and days.

[GirlDown]

i am kind of torn between two views here.

 

i think far too many people do blame alcohol on their cheating ways...if they never drink again, that may prove that they are serious about whatever relationship they are in. if not, then well the odds are a little better that it will happen again. if you can't control it once, who says you can the next time? being drunk gives people guts they might not normally have, and the ability to justify actions in an impaired haze that, at the time, seem to make perfect sense. they may not think this way in a sober state, or they may. but in any case, alcohol combined with certain factors can be harmful. it can also be completely harmless. depends on the person, the situation, and the circumstances.

 

however, i myself was in a situtation that, while i'm not proud of it, can happen to some people. i was at a friend's house with a bunch of girls, we were all drinking--a lot. the boyfriend i had at the time was supposed to come pick me up when i called him so i didn't have to drive. he wasn't out of town, we weren't fighting, good relationship, nothing wrong.

 

eventually i ended up at her neighbour's house and slept with him.

 

at least, that's what i heard. i don't remember a thing.

 

apparently i left my friend's to go have a cigarette outside and never came back. one of the girls came over to the neighbour's to see if i was there and i was sitting on the couch. we had a conversation and she said i was really, really drunk and not making any sense. she said "you are going to do something stupid" and i answered that i didn't want any soup and then laughed hysterically until she left. yeah.

when she came back to fine me, i was nowhere to be found. she asked me the next day what happened and i said "i don't think anything, we just hung out for a while, i guess. i don't think i was there for very long, i don't know."

 

so long story short, i didn't even know anything happened until he told me. he called me and asked if i wanted to hang out the next night and do something, and i said "uh, that's really nice, but i have a boyfriend that i don't think would like that too much" and he was like "what? you could have told me that last night" and when i said "why would it have mattered" and he said "cause i don't make it a habit to sleep with other people's girlfriends."

 

i was floored.

 

he could have done anything to me that night and i wouldn't know it. the only reason i believed him is because i could feel that i had had sex. i wasn't hurt or anything like that, i could just tell, and the way i felt made a whole lot more sense when i found out. the neighbour was not an a-hole to me and felt really bad when he found out i didn't even know, and has apologized over and over again.

 

i can swear on whatever you want me to swear on that i don't remember anything past about 9pm that night. not even bits and pieces. i am unsure how i was able to even function the little that i apparently did, even just to be able to walk back and forth between houses. i didn't even know how i got home, until i checked my cell phone and saw that i called my boyfriend at 4am and figured out that he came to get me and dropped me off at my house. actually, he put me into bed. i wouldn't know unless he told me. he said i was just rambling the whole time and i was inbetween laughing and crying.

 

that is a scary thing, and i can tell you now that i do not do that anymore.

 

i am not with the same boyfriend now. i told him right after i find out, and i told him the truth. i couldn't use an excuse, because i didn't really have one. i don't know why i did it because i didn't even know that i did. we tried to make it work for a while, he tried to understand but we both ended up getting frustrated--him over being hurt and feeling like he couldn't trust me, and me over the fact that even though i hurt him and was sorry as i could ever be, i was also upset and angry with (not to mention ashamed of) myself that i had put myself in the position that i could have really been hurt--raped, killed, pregnant, std's, you name it. i was lucky enough to come away unscathed, but that's all it was--luck. i knew it was wrong, i knew it hurt him terribly, but for me to get past it, i needed to stop being reminded of it whenever we disagreed about something and he would throw it back in my face that "maybe i just didn't remember again." i was the one in the wrong, and i know that. i took responsibility for it. but i had had enough. i needed to stop feeling guilty and get over it.

 

i think the point here is that things do happen, and they happen for one reason or another. but the person who is cheated on, (even though they may ask for a justifiable excuse to make them feel better) aren't looking for excuses. they want it to never have happened, and they don't care why it did. and then when they realize it's never going away, that's when then sh*it really starts to hit the fan.

 

just my opinion.

 

wow, it was cathartic to say that. thank you for reading.

[GirlDown]

and just out of curiosity, did anything in particular make you post this? because i was just about to, and i saw it as soon as i got to the water cooler!

[Anais]

Thank you Moose and GirlDown for your replies.

I do drink occasionally. Mainly if there is a party or banquet, or share a bottle of wine with my husband. Recently I don’t like it at all as I get headache.

 

 

The reason I have posted is that I read so many posts here about cheating and most of the time alcohol is involved. These threads made me to think about my behavior when I drink few glasses. I am certainly a different person after couple of glasses of alcohol. Well I have never cheated on any of my partners.

 

 

But I have been at some parties or banquets before were the circumentences, the romantic atmosphere together with alcohol has made me to have “thoughts” couple of times and be flirty till some point.

 

I have stop in time thanks god. So now, after marrying second time especially, I know where, with whom and how much I drink.

 

The real question and a more interesting one is:

 

"Does the fact the guilty party was drinking and intoxicated at the time, excuse them from the immoral act of cheating?"

 

I wouldn't find it surprising at all to find that most people would like that to be a valid reason now and days.

 

No, I don’t think it is a valid reason. I can understand how it happens, and feel sorry for people who are “trapped”. But the relationship is like a crystal vase. If you break it, it doesn’t matter was it an accident, like you didn’t notice it in dark, nor did you break it knowing what you do. You cannot put the pieces together, at least not in the way like it was before.

 

Wow GirlDown. What a story! I totally understand and feel for you. I believe it could happen to everyone. I am really sorry you had to go through it. But you are right, it could end up even worse.

Take care,

Anais

[GirlDown]

hey thanks, girlie.

 

 

 

you reap what you sow, i suppose.

 

but i learned my lesson, so that must count for something.

[Anais]

You are welcome!

 

I would love to hear other stories.

 

P.S. oh, I am tired from editing my post . OMG typos typos typos and not only typos.

[opaleye]

My ex boyfriend cheated on while drunk. First time was at a club while I was working late and he kissed some girl and danced with her and all that. The next morning he told me and we met up and he had her number on his phone. We sort of broke up but I eventually forgave him because he was so sorry and he said that he thought that he might have an alcohol problem. After that he didn't drink for about 2 months and I thought that was good because it showed that he knew he had made a big mistake. Anyway a year later he did it again, then didn't tell me for a week then did it again with a different girl and told me and we broke up. Every time he was drunk. On the second time I left a party and he made out with a girl at the party then came home to me.

 

I have heard stories that he used to brag about the possibility of hooking up with girls while he was getting ready for big nights out and when people would say "But what about your girlfriend?" he would say that we were going to break up soon anyway so it didn't matter. Yuck. No one told me about this tho until after we were broken up.

 

After he cheated the first time I got upset when he would get drunk because I knew what he might do. Every time he went out without me I would be half thinking that he would cheat and we would be over. It wasn't good.

 

It made me really mad because he claimed that he couldn't control himself, that he didn't know what he was doing. But I have been really drunk before and I have managed to not cheat! I can't even imagine doing that to someone, the thought alone would just make me sick because I know how much it hurts. I know how much it affected me when he cheated on me- made me feel inadequate, ugly, fat, gross, undesirable, etc. So I would never do that to someone else. But I don't allow myself to let what he did make me feel that way anymore. I have come to realise that when he was cheating he probably wasn't thinking about me at all- he probably didn't consider me at all when he was doing those things- all he was thinking about was himself and stroking his ego.

 

The fact that he was drunk actually did make me more leniant the first time than I think I would have been if he hadn't been drunk. But no more. Using "i was drunk" as an excuse just doesn't wash with me. It's not an explanation either. Eventually I just found it pathetic.

[GirlDown]

i see what you're saying opaleye, the fact that it was repeated sure didn't make it any easier i'm sure!

 

but truly, everyone says " i was drunk and i have managed not to cheat." if you have, that's wonderful, and more power to you. (no, that is not sarcastic!)

 

but i had always said the same thing. and i would have kept on saying it even after i cheated...cause i would not have even realized.

 

it's sounds like a lousy excuse, but in fact, it's not even any kind of excuse...it doesn't excuse anything when you don't know even know about it yourself, so there is no justifcation or explanation.

 

people are affected differently, and some people don't know their limits.

 

i know mine now, thank goodness! and it's certainly not just for non-cheating purposes...it's for everyday life.

[opaleye]

Yeah, I get that it's different for different people. I am glad that you learnt from your situation- which sounds really scary! Not being able to remember anything and not knowing what you did. That would be terrifying.

 

And once can be a mistake- that's why I forgave my ex when he did it the first time, but if a person realises what they are capable of doing when they let themselves get really drunk yet they do it anyway then I don't think they deserve any sympathy. When you have a partner I don't think that people should put themselves in the situation where they have no control and where the people around them aren't exactly looking out for their best interests. And when someone cheats and then repeatedly puts themselves in those types of situations then that's what I think it pathetic- I hope that I didn't make it sound like I think that people who make mistakes like you did are pathetic- I just mean that I found my exes excuses of being drunk pathetic.

 

 

I just feel like while I was with him I was also in the position to cheat if I had wanted but I didn't, I said that I had a boyfriend and that I wasn't interested. In our situation I obviously valued our relationship and his feelings more than he valued mine. In the future, when I am in a relationship I am going to be sure to know my limits and not allow myself to get into any situation where I might be tempted- thank you for sharing your story- it has really made an impact on me and I am going to remember it in the future so that what happened to you won't happen to me. Thanks Girldown for sharing.

[Anais]

Thank you girls for honest posts.

 

I remember, in particular, one thread when the honeymoon was damaged because the girl got drunk and kissed some other man…

 

Keep the stories coming!

[GirlDown]

anais and opaleye--

 

you are both quite welcome, and i thank you as well.

 

[Merin]

IMO Alcohol is just a lame reason to give for cheating..

 

While I can understand that people do tend to behave in a way they may not if they were not intoxicated, I still hate to hear someone say "Well I was drunk" because instead of it seeming that they are really remorseful for whatever they did to hurt another person it seems more like a *Get out of jail free card* and I think it sucks.

[Anais]

I think people are feeling really sorry for what happened early or late. Nobody says that is an excuse but if people recognize the "danger" they probably won't go for it the very first time.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Merin

IMO Alcohol is just a lame reason to give for cheating..

 

While I can understand that people do tend to behave in a way they may not if they were not intoxicated, I still hate to hear someone say "Well I was drunk" because instead of it seeming that they are really remorseful for whatever they did to hurt another person it seems more like a *Get out of jail free card* and I think it sucks.

 

i don't know...i was pretty remorseful...

 

and i definitely didn't get out of jail free, but i wasn't using it like that like some people do. i was too busy trying to figure things out for myself. i think i punished myself more. i still feel weird about it sometimes. ew.

 

maybe my situation was a tad but different though.

[Breathe]

An ex would travel a lot on business and cheat. When asked why he cheated, he replied, "because I could".

 

Alcohol wasn't a factor - selfishness was.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Breathe

An ex would travel a lot on business and cheat. When asked why he cheated, he replied, "because I could".

 

Alcohol wasn't a factor - selfishness was.

 

sounds like a lovely person.

 

ugh.