She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[solostand]

Three weeks ago, MM's BS asked him seriously - in front of their grown daughter - if he had a girlfriend. She has been watching his phone minutes and also wonders why he never answers his cellphone (when he is with me). There have been lots of other little tip-offs for her, her best friend's husband sees us together all the time and of course she saw me in the hospital visiting him.

 

This week, when he was leaving to come see me, she stuck her head out the window and said "I hope the new one takes as good care of you as I did".

 

They have been fighting a lot and he keeps throwing offers at her to buy him out.

 

Instead of scaring him, these near misses dont seem to bother him at all. He in fact is even more attentive than ever.

 

Is it possible that she knows but does not want to know the details?

[MuddyRock]

So when she asked what did he say?

[MuddyRock]

So when she asked what did he say? That makes a big difference.

[HermioneG]

Unless you were in the room- I have zero idea why you would believe his version of events.

 

This man treats you terribly. You are worth more. Run.

[adna89]

He most probably is giving her reason to stay,so its not like she is there because she wants to and he is unhappy about it,he wants to be with her

[the_artist_1970]

Believe half of what you are told and 80% of what you see. You take him at his word like it is the gospel of St. Luke. How do you even know he is telling you the truth?

 

She could know, just like you know he is married to another woman and going home to her every night and you don't care.

[2sunny]

But HE hasn't left her.

 

That tells you everything!

[bentleychic]

It's entirely possible she knows and doesn't give a $%*!. Some don't. I know most do care and even if they stay it's incredibly hard for them, but there are a few that truly don't care.

 

(Not saying this is your situation or that she even knows. My answer is responding to the hypothetical of IF she knows and doesn't care.)

[whichwayisup]

Three weeks ago, MM's BS asked him seriously - in front of their grown daughter - if he had a girlfriend. She has been watching his phone minutes and also wonders why he never answers his cellphone (when he is with me). There have been lots of other little tip-offs for her, her best friend's husband sees us together all the time and of course she saw me in the hospital visiting him.

 

This week, when he was leaving to come see me, she stuck her head out the window and said "I hope the new one takes as good care of you as I did".

 

The best friends husband probably doesn't want to get involved.

The rest, well, who knows if MM has made that all up for your benefit. There's no proof this, you only have his word.

 

Bolded part - So, why is there no divorce? Come on solo, I really wish you'd see that your MM is fooling you. He's fooling his wife too! He's very good manipulating and lying.

[MissBee]

Three weeks ago, MM's BS asked him seriously - in front of their grown daughter - if he had a girlfriend. She has been watching his phone minutes and also wonders why he never answers his cellphone (when he is with me). There have been lots of other little tip-offs for her, her best friend's husband sees us together all the time and of course she saw me in the hospital visiting him.

 

This week, when he was leaving to come see me, she stuck her head out the window and said "I hope the new one takes as good care of you as I did".

 

They have been fighting a lot and he keeps throwing offers at her to buy him out.

 

Instead of scaring him, these near misses dont seem to bother him at all. He in fact is even more attentive than ever.

 

Is it possible that she knows but does not want to know the details?

 

Let's say she knows but doesn't want to know the details...what does this mean? How does it change your situation?

 

It would be even more absurd IMO, as you're in affair with a man who has said he will leave when he got some check or other, he got it, didn't leave and his wife already knows anyway.So it just makes the situation sound even more silly...as if his wife knows, good, no surprises when he tells her he wants to leave. So what is stopping him then?

 

I don't really get the consolation of thinking the wife knows but is in denial...it's almost this way of trying to hinge everything on her or get some comfort from the fact that she "accepts it" but even if his wife accepts he has an OW....if you want an open relationship with MM or want him to leave, this doesn't at all affect the MM's behavior in terms of giving you that. So why does it matter?

[solostand]

It will take some of the sting out when the thing truly blows up I guess.

 

When she said the comment about "the new one" I said he should have said "she does!". However, his sister and brother-in-law were to arrive that day for a week long visit and he said he had to keep things civil for that visit.

 

I thought when this company arrived I wouldn't see as much of him but no - he is still seeing me every day and entertaining the company afterwards.

 

He is actually planning where he is going to live, he has a couple of options but one that really he is excited about.

 

As for the wife's best friend - oh the husband has definitely told her and she told BS my name and the concern that there might be something going on between us. Several times.

 

His attitude has changed very much toward me. I decided to detach and think a lot about what is going on here. I think he senses that detachment and is doing everything he can to keep me with him.

 

Bottom line is I'm almost done (two years in) and I am not putting up with this much longer. I have a plan to get out and I intend to execute it.

[A.Moscote]

If she knows and do nothing, that is her decision (yet). We can only guess what compelled her to decide so. At least she's not so much in the dark anymore. Not everyone is that strong to be drastic in that situation, to just leave him, you should know.

 

Anyway I hope you'll be much more careful now, be a bit more demanding and firm for him to do the right thing (if you still want the relationship with him). Don't let him get too comfortable in this setting, lest thing will never move forward, and he'll be happy staying in his little polygamy world (though not that bad if everyone accept it, rather than an affair).

 

...she stuck her head out the window and said "I hope the new one takes as good care of you as I did".

What a scene... so sad and defeated.

 

Edit; Hey great now that you have a plan. Go for it Solostand, take the driving seat. Perhaps you will get what you want.

Edited September 24, 2014 by A.Moscote
Afk, missed latest post.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What do you think his purpose was in telling you that?

[gettingstronger]

None of this matters- who knows what and why...

gently and with concern-

haven't you already fallen off the wagon and lost your job over all of this stress- please, don't worry about what she does and does not know-

what you know is he is no good for you and you need to leave-

[whatatangledweb]

 

Is it possible that she knows but does not want to know the details?

 

It's possible that she knows.

 

It's possible that she doesn't.

 

It's possible that MM is lying.

 

Anything is possible. Why don't you call and ask her? You have thought about it for some time. So why keep waiting? By the way, I thought she was leaving last week to spend a month with her daughter.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Three weeks ago, MM's BS asked him seriously - in front of their grown daughter - if he had a girlfriend. She has been watching his phone minutes and also wonders why he never answers his cellphone (when he is with me). There have been lots of other little tip-offs for her, her best friend's husband sees us together all the time and of course she saw me in the hospital visiting him.

 

This week, when he was leaving to come see me, she stuck her head out the window and said "I hope the new one takes as good care of you as I did".

 

They have been fighting a lot and he keeps throwing offers at her to buy him out.

 

Instead of scaring him, these near misses dont seem to bother him at all. He in fact is even more attentive than ever.

 

Is it possible that she knows but does not want to know the details?

 

It could be two things.

 

She's pushing to get a d-day where it is confirmed he's with somebody else. Then when she knows, all fire and fury will rain down.

 

Or she simply doesn't care.

 

I'm thinking it's the first, not the second. She's pushing buttons and you're right on the brink of an explosion.

[Mount]

So what, even BS knows clearly about her husband's affair (even witness wayward spouse's affair hypothetically), so what. The status quo is not changing, none of you is changing status or dynamic anyway.

 

Status quo it is.

[MuddyFootprints]

He has had more opportunities to come clean than you care to count.

 

Doesn't that make you feel cheap and insignificant in the grand scheme of his 'real' life?

 

Come on Solo! Scrape that gum from your shoe. Take your life back.

[MissBee]

It will take some of the sting out when the thing truly blows up I guess.

 

When she said the comment about "the new one" I said he should have said "she does!". However, his sister and brother-in-law were to arrive that day for a week long visit and he said he had to keep things civil for that visit.

 

I thought when this company arrived I wouldn't see as much of him but no - he is still seeing me every day and entertaining the company afterwards.

 

He is actually planning where he is going to live, he has a couple of options but one that really he is excited about.

 

As for the wife's best friend - oh the husband has definitely told her and she told BS my name and the concern that there might be something going on between us. Several times.

 

His attitude has changed very much toward me. I decided to detach and think a lot about what is going on here. I think he senses that detachment and is doing everything he can to keep me with him.

 

Bottom line is I'm almost done (two years in) and I am not putting up with this much longer. I have a plan to get out and I intend to execute it.

 

I don't really understand you.

 

Her knowing will lessen the sting how?

 

Do you mean she won't go berserk or it won't be a crash of worlds like in other ddays where the BS is unaware or do you mean if he still doesn't ever choose to leave her knowing will make that somehow less painful?

[Redheaded Mistress]

It will take some of the sting out when the thing truly blows up I guess.

 

I don't think so... I think he warning signs are there for a huge confrontation on the way. She's being borderline confrontational even with no evidence. She may just be waiting for the proof, for the family to leave, or the family to arrive and witness it truth be told... Sounds like she's going into loose cannon mode. That generally means bigger blowup, not smaller one.

 

As for the wife's best friend - oh the husband has definitely told her and she told BS my name and the concern that there might be something going on between us. Several times.

 

So she may have felt antagonized.

 

I'd fasten down the hatches... It's about to blow up.

 

Bottom line is I'm almost done (two years in) and I am not putting up with this much longer. I have a plan to get out and I intend to execute it.

 

Out of a relationship with a spouse or a relationship with the MM?

[DKT3]

If she knows and doesn't care yet he doesn't leave why would he ever leave? It would mean he has both right? I think at the end of the day most MM wants both.

 

What I don't get is why people hang on to and believe every word out of a known liar and cheaters mouth. If I was a betting man I would bet most of what he is saying is a lie, which I think deep down OP does as well which is why you attempt so hard to convince us with what the cousins girlfriends brothers of their banker said or saw.

[gettingstronger]

Red headed,you "appear" new here and are a realist I believe, so please read the OPs history. The wife is not the problem here. Those of us that have been around a while know this man is no good for solo. She has risked her sobriety and lost her job during this whole crazy mess. Solo, you were doing so well. Move forward not backwards. Leave him and his messy marriage behind and work on you!!!

[Redheaded Mistress]

Red headed,you "appear" new here and are a realist I believe, so please read the OPs history. The wife is not the problem here. Those of us that have been around a while know this man is no good for solo. She has risked her sobriety and lost her job during this whole crazy mess. Solo, you were doing so well. Move forward not backwards. Leave him and his messy marriage behind and work on you!!!

 

I don't think the wife is the problem, nor do I think the OP or the MM are the problem, mainly because I don't know enough about any of the players to say that the blame for the current issue is 100% somebody's fault. I do think a major problem is a combination of factors that are pushing people to their breaking points.

 

I honestly feel badly for all of them and I hope there is some positive resolution coming from some angle for all involved. I think my over-riding concern is the fact that the OP thinks that the wife's behavior/hinting she suspects something will make things easier when, in fact, I think a major blowout is on the way and I'm a bit concerned that the OP is missing those warning signs. If she should stay, go... I have no opinion on that just like I have tried so hard to be middle ground for all the replies I make.

 

Thanks for the suggestion to check out the situation further and I admit I should have. Despite apparent suspicions I'm not as new here as I seem, I am truthfully new to this forum and don't know any of the long-term posters long and complicated back stories. Maybe I should try to dig, but I truly just want to be a middle-of-the-road, pros and cons to both sides, type of poster. Not pro affair, not anti, not pro-staying, not pro-leaving. Just objective snapshots of the plus and minus of both.

 

If the situation is really like that historically, then maybe I did insert foot into mouth by not saying that she needs to run fast and far. As it stands with what I see here, I'm nervous for the OP because I don't think she's seeing clearly that things are about to get super messy.

[solostand]

She was supposed to go to her daughter's for a month but she changed her plans and wouldn't leave home for one night! She drove her daughter to the airport in another province and then drove straight home.

 

I said "she REALLY doesn't want to leave you alone for one night, does she?"

 

He said no, she does not trust him.

 

That's when he told me about her asking if he had a girlfriend.

 

I kind of think she's just waiting for the company to leave before the blow-up. Or maybe she will use the family for an "intervention".

 

BTW the MM had nothing to do with me falling off the wagon or losing my job. I kept BOTH a secret from him for two weeks.

 

I am sober again, working really hard, and have found a new job, thank God.

 

 

I don't know why he would lie about her saying she hopes the new one is as good to him as her. It freaks me out when he tells me things like that.

Edited September 25, 2014 by solostand

[Toodaloo]

He said no, she does not trust him.

.

 

In fairness to her she really has no cause to trust him. I actually have no problem with her behavior and it all seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

Neither should you. His behavior is abysmal.

 

If you want to be with him it makes far more sense for you to stick your foot down now and tell him that he needs to be single. If you can take him away from his wife then another woman can take him away from you. Is that really how you want to feel?

 

Two years is a long time to waste on lies and playing second fiddle.