She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[solostand]

Maybe they will suspect it was me, maybe they won't. I don't really care.

 

I didn't tell her in person or over the phone because I couldn't bear to hear what I would hear on the other side. An anon text at least can give her time to do whatever she needs to do to absorb it, maybe.

 

MM might have a hard time believing it was me because he has seen me as the sweet, loving woman who has helped him hide the affair from his wife and expressed hope that she would not find out. There was no precipitating incident, I mean we didn't have a fight or anything.

[2sunny]

You're as obsessed with them as you were with alcohol.

 

Not good for you - get to work on your program.

[ComingInHot]

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

 

 

Solostand I believe your intentions are selfish. HOWEVER, to me the important part is His Wife learns the truth and you see first hand the what an A does to His Wife, His children everyone in their extended family, friends and You too. Then I hope everyone can heal.

 

 

Solostand, 2 years you've stood by and watched gaslight His Wife & family?!?! It's no wonder you want out of the A and away from him. I'm so glad you seee him for the non-man he really is*

 

 

Fyi, she'll probably catch on that you're both the anon informant and the OW. It took me all of 2 seconds to figure it out with the exOW. Maybe rethink that cause it was my first indicator that she wasn't stable. Don't give her an opportunity to believe Her Husband if he throws you under (Hopefully he won't but...)

[Redheaded Mistress]

Who's "everybody"? I know you're against a betrayed spouse knowing the truth, but she did the right thing.

 

Everybody meaning he and his wife.

 

I know you're for a BS knowing everything regardless of how the message is delivered or what it does to the people involved, but if you're going to deliver the message, there's a right way and a wrong way.

 

Saying "I'm NC, I'm NC, I'm NC" then firing off an anonymous text with an "oh well" and "at least I feel better" attitude is not. If it's about coming clean and moving forward, you do it honestly and not behind an anonymous text. If it's about letting the BS in on what's going on, it's by talking to her openly and honestly, not firing a blind text and waiting for the blow back. She didn't give the BS any sort of resepect, even in suposdeldy trying to make things right.

 

Plus, there's no getting around that according to her, the BS knows her name, her friends have spotted her with MM, her friends have confronted her and said "SS is having an affair with your husband," yet still the BS stays, still she doesn't contact SS, and SS even said that BS knows he's having an affair.

 

Still, she hasn't contacted SS.

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what all of that means. She has all the information and doesn't reach out to her... That means she doesn't want to hear from her and she doesn't need to hear from her.

 

And if, for some reason I'm wrong, she's got all of that information that SS says she has and does all the things that SS says she does and she's still the most oblivious BS of all time and this information will be a revelation to her... Here's guessing if she didn't believe her friend, she won't believe a random text.

 

There's telling a BS the information, then there's torturing her with it. She has the information. Now, we're wandering into the torture realm. She got pissed at her MM, she reacted. What's worse is she doesn't even know if she wants to be with her MM anymore, but she wants to push the situation so that she can evaluate her options. She's playing with the MM and the BS. The fact that she thinks BS will be grateful to her just shows she's not really thinking this through. She's acting, she's reacting, and she's doing it without any clear purpose or even clear intent to maintain the relationship.

 

Umm, HE ruined his wife's life by having an affair. She is going to be devastated, yes, but at least now she can know the truth and make a decision about her own marriage, instead of having two people keeping her in the dark.

 

SS said she's been told by her best friend, by family, that she even knows her name and says it in the context of an affair, and the whole OP of this is that she knew but didn't care enough to divorce him. She's not in the dark at all. She's well clued in. She's just not divorcing the guy so that SS can have that legitimate relationship she's craving. We've established he won't leave, now she's trying to get her to leave. There's no altruistic "at least she knows and can make a choice" going on here. She knew. She's making her choice. By not contacting SS, by not confronting it, she's deciding to stay put.

 

SS can do two things... She can stay and maintain the status quo or she can leave. She made clear earlier that she's tired of the status quo and she now wants "the chips to fall where they may." Well, the chips did fall. BS isn't leaving even though she has all the info, MM isn't leaving because he doesn't want to. She told BS because she doesn't like the answer, because she wants BS to pull the trigger, because she wants to know where to go from here. This has nothing to do with an altruistic confession to clear the air... If it was, she'd have called her, identified herself, and told her. Or she would have texted her and told her directly, not as an anonymous text.

 

This is an impatient OW who doesn't like that the BS was chosen over her, who's impatient with how long the marriage is taking to end, who doesn't even know if she wants to be with MM anymore, so she decides to help move things along by passively telling the BS and waiting to see what happens.

 

He may have ruined BS's life by the affair (with SS's help, of course), but she made sure that when she saw BS standing on the cliff, she gave her the hardest push in the hopes of watching her fall off the cliff. This revelation isn't for absolution, it's SS further using BS as a pawn to extract a more desirable outcome for herself.

 

I think the worst part is she actually thinks that BS will be grateful to her for it.

 

Her husband is the one who has made a total fool of her, flaunting solo right under her nose (aka the hospital visits). Go back and read her other threads.

 

I did read her other posts. By standing right next to him and meeting her, she made just a big a fool of BS too. Why the focus on how awful he is for doing this to his BS with a straight face and no focus at all that SS stood right next to him and did the same thing, only managed to interpret it as an advancement in their relationship? Even as praise for her when others referred to her as tall, well dressed, young, and pretty?

 

Surely we have to see that a OW making a BS and interpreting that as a meaningful advancement of the relationship with MM is a sign that, when it comes to BS, she's not operating in a place where she wants the best for her. Most OW don't take a face-to-face meeting with BS as a relationship milestone on par with meeting the parents.

 

Just two days ago she's complaining how BS won't divorce, how she wishes she'd make up her mind, that she's detaching from MM because she doesn't know if she wants to stay in a relationship, she's going NC because she feels herself pull away... Today she's sending anonymous texts and saying that BS will be grateful for it, and waiting to see how that impacts her relationship with MM... A relationship she doesn't even know she wants... And saying that they were threatening to divorce anyway.

 

I just see that as cruel, and in no way an attempt to secure the BS's best interest.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Maybe they will suspect it was me, maybe they won't. I don't really care.

 

I didn't tell her in person or over the phone because I couldn't bear to hear what I would hear on the other side. An anon text at least can give her time to do whatever she needs to do to absorb it, maybe.

 

Another sign this isn't about helping her through the process or about ending it and moving on, or helping her end it so you guys can move on. I mean, the more you talk, the more obvious it is that you didn't really have a goal in mind other than to inflict hurt on the BS.

 

MM might have a hard time believing it was me because he has seen me as the sweet, loving woman who has helped him hide the affair from his wife and expressed hope that she would not find out. There was no precipitating incident, I mean we didn't have a fight or anything.

 

You just said a few days ago you went NC and he was growing concerned that you were detaching. Now today there's no precipitating incident?

 

They'll know it was you. They'll figure it out when she calls and you answer her questions which is not what would normally happen when BS contacts OW or when the OW tells the MM she'll help him hide the affair. That alone will let him know it was you. They'll figure it out when they ask the people around them and they say it wasn't them.

 

They will know it was you. It's fairly obvious and honestly, when such things happen the first person the finger is pointed at is the OW.

 

If you're nice, sweet, loving woman now, you're in danger of having him think you may be a bunny boiler. Detaching, going NC, strange texts to his wife, answering questions to the wife if she calls (I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't)... It's all very erratic. And since he apparently goes to AA with you every day, you'll have to face this pretty quickly.

[Lovebug66]

Solo,

I have lurked here for about a year and have followed your posts pretty faithfully. I'm not in AA, but I am in a closely related program. I'm a BS and not an OW. So although there were many times I wanted to sign up and post to you, I figured we are opposites and do I really have anything to contribute?

 

Well today I felt the need to show you support. I know how much you have been struggling with the decision to tell his wife for so very long and I am glad you have done it. Did you do it perfectly, probably not, but I'm of the opinion it doesn't matter if you do the right thing perfectly, just that you do it. I believe you that you will be honest but gentle with her if she decides to contact you.

 

I didn't contact my OW for 6-8 weeks after Dday, tbh, I didn't want to yell at her, I knew both of us were getting screwed over by a manipulative drug addict, but I had so much anger in me I waited till I cooled down so she wouldn't be the target of it. We had a few very nice conversations over email, I appreciated that and gained a lot of understanding and she said she did too. This is where our stories could be very similar - you two can be allies. You are both being abused (that may sound like a strong word but it's the truth) by your MM and the two of you standing together is his worst nightmare. He wants you two to direct your anger at each other instead of him and he then avoids the fallout. Maybe that is not something his BS is willing to do, but it's worth a shot to try to go that route because it is the best for both of you. If she calls you angry, well that's understandable. Just try to take responsibility for your part and gently (not from a high horse) try to explain how the two of you facing his manipulative bull***** together instead of directing it at each other is best for both of you.

 

So what if she knows the text was from you? If she asks say exactly what you said here, you've been struggling with this for a year and you just couldn't face her. That maybe it was kind of chicken but that was all you could muster. I don't think it's a big deal.

 

I know you love MM and this whole ordeal has been tough on you. But I'm sorry, this guy is the biggest a$$hat ever. I just re-looked at some of your first posts and remember this guy has shared fantasies of killing his wife, having you sit across from her right after you had sex, laundering money from their business, not to mention all of the mean, nasty, evil things he just throws out there about her, he is a piece of work and his wife deserves to know just how bad he is.

 

I highly recommend a book to you (and all OWs and BSs alike) called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I guarantee you will see him in there.

 

Keep going to (separate!) meetings, get a sponsor, get totally honest with her. You can make it out of this, I have you in my prayers.

[2sunny]

Solo - do you even have a sponsor?

 

Go to only women's meetings for now!

 

I think your agenda in going to meetings has been to see MM. That's a tainted way to "try" and get well.

 

Stopping the alcohol is one thing - getting honest with YOURSELF and others is key.

 

You aren't really DOING AA if your not working your way through those steps and helping others! Meetings are generally a place where very sick people gather - talk about a bunch of crap in their lives and lie out loud.

 

 

Find a sponsor and DO the WORK to help YOURSELF become a better person.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe they will suspect it was me, maybe they won't. I don't really care.

 

I didn't tell her in person or over the phone because I couldn't bear to hear what I would hear on the other side. An anon text at least can give her time to do whatever she needs to do to absorb it, maybe.

 

MM might have a hard time believing it was me because he has seen me as the sweet, loving woman who has helped him hide the affair from his wife and expressed hope that she would not find out. There was no precipitating incident, I mean we didn't have a fight or anything.

 

So you don't want to deal with her. Now you know why HE hasn't come clean either as he doesn't want to deal with the fallout and face her either.

 

You should admit that it was you who sent the text. It's like you don't want MM hating you or being angry at you for telling his wife.

[Mount]

But can't you not see the truth is the Solo does not want to go NC, neither does she has the strength the real from the bottom of her heart either.

 

The reality is, even she sent the text to the wife, really nothing will change at MM and wife's side. As she does not live with them, MM can turn everything around by talking, so Solo's influence is non-existing anyway.

 

And even the wife questioned, and no surprise, Solo will be the crazy, stalking, bunny boiler..etc

 

 

If you really wanted out you would just go NC. Why the continued involvement with him and his wife? Are you hoping he will leave her for you? Are you really thinking that you're doing this as some kind of a favor to her?

[whichwayisup]

I just see that as cruel, and in no way an attempt to secure the BS's best interest

 

It is cruel, but it's cruel that she had the affair in the first place and couldn't care less back then about the damage being done to his wife. She didn't care then, and gloated about how much better she was than his wife and she doesn't really care now. Many OW's and OM's tell to free themselves.

 

 

I know you're for a BS knowing everything regardless of how the message is delivered or what it does to the people involved, but if you're going to deliver the message, there's a right way and a wrong way.

 

I agree there is a right and wrong way and she did it the wrong way. Her way she can wash her hands of it, really can choose if she wants to answer his wife's questions, doesn't have to own up to her part in the affair etc..etc.. and MM will be clueless that it was her who put the final nail in the coffin.

[Donesharing]

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

 

I agree. I am just 2 weeks ahead of you in all of this. I am feeling free and I am glad she knows, and glad I told her. I understand the controversy. But, in the end everyone in the triangle needed the truth. Stay strong!

[Mount]

But as I forsee and said, Solo does not want to go NC, neither does she has the strength the real from the bottom of her heart either.

 

She trulydoes not want to end the affair with the MM, if he does not break up with her first.

 

 

Nothing is/will be really changing majorly.

 

 

 

 

It is cruel, but it's cruel that she had the affair in the first place and couldn't care less back then about the damage being done to his wife. She didn't care then, and gloated about how much better she was than his wife and she doesn't really care now. Many OW's and OM's tell to free themselves.

 

 

 

 

I agree there is a right and wrong way and she did it the wrong way. Her way she can wash her hands of it, really can choose if she wants to answer his wife's questions, doesn't have to own up to her part in the affair etc..etc.. and MM will be clueless that it was her who put the final nail in the coffin.

Edited September 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ronnie33]

If you were really doing it for the wife's benefit and to end the affair you wouldn't have done it anonymously. You would have sent it from you knowing MM would know what you did and might stop contact with you. You sending it anonymously was strictly for your benefit in hopes of hurting her and causing their break up so he would come to you.

 

I'm not saying you telling her was wrong but the why behind it is wrong.

[gettingstronger]

As a BS that was told by anon text , I can say it's not how I found out but what happened next that mattered. My husband immediately admitted to it, begged forgiveness, etc. What has been damaging is our OWs refusal to stay out of our lives. If you really want to do what's best, stay away. Work on you and don't continue to intrude. You, like our OW are fragile. She kept intruding with very serious consequences to herself. I wish she had worked on herself. She would be so much better off by now.

[2sunny]

MM doesn't need to change it.

 

He has filet mignon AND lobster at the same time.

 

Granted - he's critical and mean to the lobster but he certainly hasn't thrown the lobster out.

 

Meet him with hair frazzled and legs unshaved for a week! See how he likes reality then.

[beach]

While all your focus is on the MM it's part of your obsession. It may not be your alcohol now. But he mind certainly keeps obsessing when the drink is taken away.

 

Can you obsess about something else; anything else?

 

How about exercising? A creative outlet? Random acts of kindness? Anything but alcohol and/or MM and his wife!

[solostand]

Just realized she may pry MMs phone away from him (which would be a very hard thing because he never lets her near it) and call from his number. It would just go to voicemail though.

[Mount]

See, your guessing, your imagining their marriage dynamic is going to extend another 58 pages.

 

You need to accept nothing will change, just be with it.

 

Just realized she may pry MMs phone away from him (which would be a very hard thing because he never lets her near it) and call from his number. It would just go to voicemail though.

[solostand]

Mount you may think you're a magical mind-reader, but you aren't.

 

There is a convenient ignore button if you don't want to read my posts. But here you are, following right along.

[Mount]

My point is I am interested in reading your "real" executing NC with MM, not obsessing with MM and his wife marriage/dynamic/his saying/her saying anymore.

 

But in one of your previous post, you said MM did not break up with you even you sent the text, is it a good thing to celebrate or feel lucky, joyful?

 

If that so, then you post the wrong forum, not supposed in OW/OM, should be in some "I feel lucky have a part time man in life" forum?

 

Make sense? I am just be blunt, honest.

 

 

Mount you may think you're a magical mind-reader, but you aren't.

 

There is a convenient ignore button if you don't want to read my posts. But here you are, following right along.

[lovedandlostit]

As a BS that was told by anon text , I can say it's not how I found out but what happened next that mattered. My husband immediately admitted to it, begged forgiveness, etc. What has been damaging is our OWs refusal to stay out of our lives. If you really want to do what's best, stay away. Work on you and don't continue to intrude. You, like our OW are fragile. She kept intruding with very serious consequences to herself. I wish she had worked on herself. She would be so much better off by now.

So you just let him off the hook. My mm begged forgiveness too. Do you know for sure he didn't do the same with her?

[2sunny]

Just realized she may pry MMs phone away from him (which would be a very hard thing because he never lets her near it) and call from his number. It would just go to voicemail though.

 

Obsessing obsessing obsessing.

 

He still holds all YOUR power.

 

What will change that solo?

[2sunny]

So you just let him off the hook. My mm begged forgiveness too. Do you know for sure he didn't do the same with her?

 

Sure she let him off the hook. She hasn't changed anything.

 

 

She will eventually "meet" with him under HIS terms. He will tell at her and criticize her any way he can find - and she will smile and think it's just lovely.

[Minnie09]

I have read most of your threads, OP, but wow......it's the same old same old, just sprinkled with changing obsessive thoughts on your part here and there........reality is, though, that there's nothing different now compared to many many weeks/months/years ago......

 

you're lucky.....you have a support system, you can go to meetings, people will listen and you can get out of this R. Most people in As aren't that lucky. Nobdy wants to listen to them anymore after a while. Take that opportunity and go to meetings. Work on yourself. This is your chance. Start a new chapter. Forget him.

 

Why do you want to play cat and mouse with his wife now? What's the point? If she calls you, you'll get more of the drama. You'll never find a way out of this maze, if you keep yourself all tangled up like that. You've already lost a lot of yourself, and at some point, there won't be anything left to work with and build upon. Can you see that?

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just realized she may pry MMs phone away from him (which would be a very hard thing because he never lets her near it) and call from his number. It would just go to voicemail though.

 

Why? You sent her your phone number you said... So why would she pry away his phone to call you if she wanted to call you?

 

If she wanted to call you, you gave her the information to do so, she would.

 

The fact is she already knew about you and how to contact you if she wanted to and you admitted she knows there's an affair, she never reached out to you then. I think you've got an over-inflated sense of how much sway you really have in this marriage.