Owl Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Well he never actually said she knows but does not care. I just assumed that because of all the suspicion she has about me. I won't call her because I no longer care. I'll leave their marriage alone and go my own way from now on. EXCELLENT! So what are you DOING to make that happen? How have you prevented him from contacting you again? What have you DONE to ensure that the affair is ended, completely and totally? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 EXCELLENT! So what are you DOING.... Standard Owl's questions. Not many that I have seen can answer it clearly and confidently. For your own benefits, I hope you can Solo, if not now, then soon. Be strong, be optimist, it is all within your hands. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 EXCELLENT! So what are you DOING to make that happen? How have you prevented him from contacting you again? What have you DONE to ensure that the affair is ended, completely and totally? I AM IGNORING HIM. He'll get the message eventually as I continue to ignore him. As I said earlier, I do not wish to speak to him because I am afraid he will suck me back in. And its not fair to ask anyone else to do my dirty work for me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Well he never actually said she knows but does not care. I just assumed that because of all the suspicion she has about me. I won't call her because I no longer care. I'll leave their marriage alone and go my own way from now on. Don't assume she doesn't care. Assume nothing since you don't know any real fact, all you have is what MM (exMM?) has told you. Again, this is wonderful news but it means nothing if you have not broken up with him officially and told him the A is over and not to contact you ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I AM IGNORING HIM. He'll get the message eventually as I continue to ignore him. As I said earlier, I do not wish to speak to him because I am afraid he will suck me back in. And its not fair to ask anyone else to do my dirty work for me. Ignoring him won't do anything. He thinks the A is still on Solo. Ignoring him, he could just think you lost your phone or something has happened to you. You don't have to speak to him, send an email saying you are done and not to contact you ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 He is technologically challenged. He doesn't have email. I suppose I could write him a letter and mail it the old fashioned way. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 I think if the OP does fully vanish then never having any further discussion will get the point across. There are many people who employ the vanishing act and never actually tell a person "things are done". It is a more passive aggressive approach but can be done. Solo - if you are erasing all access to you and changing your routine to just "drop off the face of the earth" it can be done though it is very passive aggressive than actually cluing him into your thinking. While I don't love it (if you care for my unsolicited two cents ) it is an option. Just understand it is going to result in longer attempted contact, potentially, until the lightbulb goes off that you have disappeared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 We are both passive aggressive personalities. He has mommy issues, I have daddy issues. Not a good mix at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Solo, I say this as gently as I can and not discounting what you have done. You know from past experiences that he is going to show up at your door once he gets back in town, what is your plan then? To hide and not answer the door? You can't just disappear. I know it is frowned upon to bring up past threads etc here as it is "off topic", but be honest with yourself, why is this time truly different than the other attempts you have made at NC? I think a snail mail letter is a great idea. Keep it short and to the point. You are done being the OW, you respect yourself too much. Do not call, do not come to your house, do not attempt contact in anyway or you will be forced to take further measures to keep him away from you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it seems like you don't really want to end this, it's just a passive aggressive way to punish him for not making a choice. Disappearing may work for some people, but your lives are much too entwined and this has played out too many times for that to work in your case. If its over, tell him or you will find yourself back in the same place again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Solo, If you don't want to call him, fine. If avoiding is, for you, the safest and most comforting option then do it. I do recommend you still download a free app and block his number. People can tell that they are blocked. I would still disable the voicemail on your home phone. I would also configure my junk folder so that all his emails to either straight to trash or to the spam folder so you don't have to see them. I know you say he is not tech smart but he will find a hole if you leave him one. I once saw a Rott climb a tree to get to a female in heat, males of all species can be very focused on what they want. (females can too) Do what you need to do to get thru this. Stay firm, stay focused, and stay involved in activities that help you heal and grow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 I don't know what is different this time except something just clicked inside me and I thought enough of this bull crap. If he shows up at my door I won't answer it. I just do not want to talk to him right now. Maybe after more time passes I will be able to do it but right now I think I would be too vulnerable to have any contact with him at all. He's not a stupid man and he is stubborn. I know him very well. Eventually he will get mad and say f*** her the b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 He's also afraid of my anger, which he has barely seen. He can't stand it when I am mad at him. He fears I can be a vindictive bitch. I've never done anything vindictive to him except go NC in the past, but for some reason he thinks I am dangerous when angry, lol. He knows I simply walked away from my marriage without even looking back, walked out the door one day with no note, no explanation, and no contact for three months. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 He's also afraid of my anger, which he has barely seen. He can't stand it when I am mad at him. He fears I can be a vindictive bitch. I've never done anything vindictive to him except go NC in the past, but for some reason he thinks I am dangerous when angry, lol. He knows I simply walked away from my marriage without even looking back, walked out the door one day with no note, no explanation, and no contact for three months. Well, he just doesn't know that you sent his wife the text about the A, warning her, so all the more reason I believe she didn't get text, maybe she has a new number that you're unaware of and the one you used to defunct. If he knows this about you, then do it and stick to it and hold yourself 100% accountable to follow through and make sure this A is over. My only issue about you doing this is, you've given yourself an "out" if you change your mind and want him back. By not telling him it's over it makes it much easier to step back into the A and pick up where you left off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 I don't think she got that text either. I sent it from the computer. I doubt she changed her number because its her business as well as personal phone. Her number is just one digit different than his - also a business phone. If she didn't get it, I'm glad! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 9, 2014 Share Posted October 9, 2014 Solo...my advice to you all this time has been centered around taking active measures to achieve the outcome you want. Ignoring someone until they go away is NOT, in any way, taking an active measure to create change and improve your situation. I've got nothing left to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 9, 2014 Author Share Posted October 9, 2014 Well he hasn't called lately and I feel pretty good about the whole thing. The longer time passes the less I care. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 SS I probably would have opted to tell him that it was over in some way but I don't see where ignoring him is a problem. I understand the whole when I'm done I'm done thing. That's how I ended my M and how I walked away from DMM when I ended the A. He continued to contact and I continued to ignore. I was done and he wasn't. That was his choice and I couldn't control what he did. Everything else being tossed around in here is moot now. You've ended it and he will get the hint. You said he'll get angry with you and turn you into the bad guy. Good. That'll get you guys onto the same page. I'm happy you're at the point you hope she didn't get the text. I know you're going to have tough moments and times when you're wondering what the heck you're doing but I, like loads of others here, are rooting for you to move forward and make your life about you. You go girl! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 Yeah the hard part starts now I guess. He's coming back from vacation this weekend so I know he'll just be a phone call away. But I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I'm not a religious person generally, but you know what I think has helped me? Praying! I know I have the strength, I just have to use it. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 Wishing you a whole lot of strength and patient solo, you can do it this time. Hold fast onto your goal and conscience, give your best to move forward. Delay, procrastinate, knock your head, or find whatever excuse there is to not answer/reply/contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I'd believe you but I know how much you love drama. I know you are seeking for a melodramatic return of him, swearing he loves you, he'll leave her, just like soap operas. I hope you prove me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 10, 2014 Author Share Posted October 10, 2014 I hope so too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 His wife knows for certain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 She told him to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 She told him to get out. And how do you feel about that? You could now get him by default, because she's kicked him out. He's gonna be looking for a place to stay. Hope you have it in you not to let him anywhere near you. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Solo, Be strong. You were not good enough for him when he had options. If he comes to you it is not because he chose you. It is because he feels he doesn't have any other option. Do you want to be with him because you are better than nothing?! You are stronger than you know. You are artistic. You deserve someone who will choose you because they want you. Not because nobody else will take them. Don't let him waste your time with woe is me tales. Stay strong and stay focused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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