She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[eye of the storm]

Solo, If you are truly done with him, here are some tips.

 

 

Have a family member or close friend, or your AA sponsor (could be a stranger off the street) have them call him and tell him to stop contacting you. That way he is aware you are done but you don't have to talk to him.

 

If he continues after that, document the dates and times and have a lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. I have no doubt that will be the end of things.

 

Block him on all social media and if your phone company will not block him (Verizon lets you block like 5 numbers yourself online for free) download an app that will block his number. There are several free apps. If you have a home phone, record the msg to say you will not be allowing msgs to be recorded for the near future due to specific unwanted calls, you will return all calls using caller ID.

 

Good luck!

[Owl]

I like Eye of the Storm's suggestions. Good ideas that I'd not considered.

 

MM DOES need to know that you're done and not willing to accept anything further from him. It needs to be a clear, unmistakable message. Asking the lead of that AA meeting you both used as 'cover' to pass it on is a good way to let MM know that you're serious.

 

Downloading an app that blocks his calls/texts is also a good idea.

 

If it's a company provided phone...talk with your company about changing the number based on 'harassing calls'. No need to go into detail, especially since you're not co-workers.

 

He needs to know that you're done and no longer going to be his playmate, in a manner that he cannot mistake.

 

He needs to know that if he continues to try to contact you, it will be both unsuccessful, and likely highly detrimental to him to do so.

[solostand]

I had briefly considered this: His wife is a retired nurse but she gives flu shots this time of year. I thought I might get a flu shot from her and just flat out tell her to tell her husband to leave me alone.

 

But that is immature.

[solostand]

She is 67 and certainly does not need the trauma.

[Sub]

Yes, that would be the wrong thing to do on many levels.

[eye of the storm]

Solo, don't please don't go see the wife. This is between you and him. Going to see her at work to tell her to tell her husband to leave you alone is vicious. You didn't go and see her to and ask her to have her husband sleep with you, Don't do this.

 

You are a grown woman who got into this relationship without involving her, get out of it the same way.

 

You have admitted you love drama. Fine, be dramatic. Don't be cruel to someone who had nothing to do with this.

 

Take some positive steps to improve your life. Doing this is not positive and will not help you move on. It just keeps you rolling around in the mud.

 

If you truly want out, get out. If you want to just keep stirring $hit, well...go see her, embarrass the woman at her work. Maybe she will get so upset she will cry, then you can come back and talk about that. You have done enough, please dont do that.

[whichwayisup]

I had briefly considered this: His wife is a retired nurse but she gives flu shots this time of year. I thought I might get a flu shot from her and just flat out tell her to tell her husband to leave me alone.

 

But that is immature.

 

Don't do that. If she does actually know, you're putting yourself in a situation that could lead to violence, or at best, a yelling match in public. Plus, she has a needle, knows what you look like since you two have met before. This is just asking for trouble/drama...DO NOT GO LOOKING FOR DRAMA! I know you miss it and are bored, but still...Don't do that.

 

Solo, I will keep on you about this. Your A is not over until you actually say the words to him. He doesn't know it's over, so of course he's gonna keep contacting you. If you want it over, TELL HIM.

[solostand]

I said I thought about it but decided it would be very cruel. Also, dangerous and I'd probably get stabbed with a needle.

[whatatangledweb]

Why do you listen to the messages? There is no need for you to do that. Please don't let him suck you back in.

[solostand]

Good idea. From now on I'll just delete.

[eye of the storm]

Solo, I'm so glad.

 

 

From my experience, every time I did something negative to him, it drew me back. I couldn't heal because I kept "self-injuring" myself.

 

 

I finally got it thru my thick skull that if I wanted to heal, find peace and happiness I needed to stop worrying about him, I needed to end it and let go.

 

 

You need your peace and your art more than you will ever need him.

 

 

End it, and move forward.

 

 

you can do this

[2sunny]

Instead of indirectly addressing it (by going to her) - why not deal with him directly?

 

File a restraining order and have him served as soon as he's back from vacation.

 

It should also be easy to change your phone carrier. Keep the number but find a carrier that allows you to block him. Don't answer any calls from unknown numbers.

 

A combination of both would be new action on your part (things you can change) and would send him a clear message that you need to move forward.

[jellybean89]

A restraining order? For what? She's NOT told him to not contact her ever again. Why involve the police over something that she can handle? I'm sure they have much bigger fish to fry.

 

Solo got into this, she can get herself out. She needs to tell him it's over - cause he probably assumes she is in a jealous tantrum since he went away with his wife and WILL show up at her door when he returns unless she tells him to take a hike.

[MuddyRock]

A text to the wife telling her to make her husband stop calling her might help. It would sure pi$$ him off.

[beach]

I wonder if he thinks if he says they are fighting - it's supposed to make you feel better about him being on vacation with her.

 

My bet is that they aren't fighting at all. He wants you to believe him again.

[Got it]

In order for it to work...NC has to be in both directions.

 

IGNORE is not NC.

 

Since she can't block him...taking action to prevent him from contacting her again is the right step.

 

If 'legal action' will work, then she can take that in lieu of fwd'ing the text.

 

But in my mind...nothing at all wrong with fwd'ing the text on to his wife. No different than seeking 'legal action'. It's not directly contacting him, and it's a step that should cause him to go away.

 

We may not agree on this...but that's ok...it's a big internet.

 

No, NC does NOT have to go both ways. NC has to go one way, you can not control the other party's actions but you can shut down your involvement with them.

 

So blocking, deleting and if it becomes harassment legal action is what is needed. If it involves both parties then that is saying you are tied into the connection until both parties finally agree to NC which keeps you prisoner and is ridiculous.

 

And it is not necessarily a step that will make him go away. You are assuming things. He could still continue to contact to DISCUSS why she would reach out to his wife, etc.

 

One party can decide to go NC and one party can continue NC by not ever engaging.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I wonder if he thinks if he says they are fighting - it's supposed to make you feel better about him being on vacation with her.

 

My bet is that they aren't fighting at all. He wants you to believe him again.

 

Maybe, or maybe that text is getting to her and she's having a hard time keeping it in. Perhaps she wanted to wait until after this vacation to address it with him.

[Owl]

No, NC does NOT have to go both ways. NC has to go one way, you can not control the other party's actions but you can shut down your involvement with them.

 

So blocking, deleting and if it becomes harassment legal action is what is needed. If it involves both parties then that is saying you are tied into the connection until both parties finally agree to NC which keeps you prisoner and is ridiculous.

 

And it is not necessarily a step that will make him go away. You are assuming things. He could still continue to contact to DISCUSS why she would reach out to his wife, etc.

 

One party can decide to go NC and one party can continue NC by not ever engaging.

 

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

"Trying" to do NC without telling him to stop contacting you is usually nothing more than a feeble attempt to make it look like you tried. You know he'll continue to send messages...and odds are they'll be received.

 

That's why I personally feel telling him to stop IS an important step. Whether or not he does...that effort has been made, and it sets the stage for the next step if need be...which is him suffering consequences for violating that request. Whether those consequences are informing his wife, getting a restraining order...doesn't matter as long as they're enforced.

 

To me...NC means no contact...it doesn't mean "not engaging". Contact maintains the feelings, not engaging doesn't change that one way or another.

 

Like I said...I don't think we're going to agree here. You give her your advice, I'll give her mine...and she'll choose what she feels she needs to hear.

[whichwayisup]

No, NC does NOT have to go both ways. NC has to go one way, you can not control the other party's actions but you can shut down your involvement with them.

 

So blocking, deleting and if it becomes harassment legal action is what is needed. If it involves both parties then that is saying you are tied into the connection until both parties finally agree to NC which keeps you prisoner and is ridiculous.

 

And it is not necessarily a step that will make him go away. You are assuming things. He could still continue to contact to DISCUSS why she would reach out to his wife, etc.

 

One party can decide to go NC and one party can continue NC by not ever engaging.

 

Agree, but the guy doesn't even know the A is over and she's not told him to leave her alone, so filing a restraining order against him is kind of pointless right now.

 

If she tells him it's over and asks him to never contact her again and he still contacts her, then yeah, file that RO.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe, or maybe that text is getting to her and she's having a hard time keeping it in. Perhaps she wanted to wait until after this vacation to address it with him.

 

Just my 2 cents, but it seems she's not told him the A is over (in her mind) in case she changes her mind in the near future. She could very well just say I ignored you because you went away with your wife and I needed space.

 

She hasn't made herself accountable to follow through on ending the A.

 

And as for the text to his wife, possibility that the number has been changed or she never got it. No way in heck would she go away with her husband to visit their daughter and grand child if she actually knew about the text. She'd go and he'd stay home.

 

They are 'fighting' but he doesn't elaborate as to what about. Seems very weird, one would think if the A is out now and she knows about you, he'd be giving details about her reaction and finding out about the affair. This is why I think she didn't get the text.

Edited October 7, 2014 by whichwayisup

[cozycottagelg]

Just my 2 cents, but it seems she's not told him the A is over (in her mind) in case she changes her mind in the near future. She could very well just say I ignored you because you went away with your wife and I needed space.

 

She hasn't made herself accountable to follow through on ending the A.

 

And as for the text to his wife, possibility that the number has been changed or she never got it. No way in heck would she go away with her husband to visit their daughter and grand child if she actually knew about the text. She'd go and he'd stay home.

 

They are 'fighting' but he doesn't elaborate as to what about. Seems very weird, one would think if the A is out now and she knows about you, he'd be giving details about her reaction and finding out about the affair. This is why I think she didn't get the text.

 

This is not necessarily true. My boss recently confessed to his wife that he was having an affair the day before they went to Hawaii. They still went... Long term marriages don't just stop dead in their tracks.

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative at all, just saying that you never know what's going on inside a marriage.

 

Also - The wife has already suspected Solo is having an affair with her husband. So maybe the text wasn't really all that shocking for her.

[MuddyRock]

Sometimes for the older generation an affair is not a deal breaker. Depending on the culture and religion she grew up with she may just think he will get it out of his system, and will come home to her eventually. I know some older women that were cheated on and that is the exact mind set they had.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Just my 2 cents, but it seems she's not told him the A is over (in her mind) in case she changes her mind in the near future. She could very well just say I ignored you because you went away with your wife and I needed space.

 

She hasn't made herself accountable to follow through on ending the A.

 

And as for the text to his wife, possibility that the number has been changed or she never got it. No way in heck would she go away with her husband to visit their daughter and grand child if she actually knew about the text. She'd go and he'd stay home.

 

They are 'fighting' but he doesn't elaborate as to what about. Seems very weird, one would think if the A is out now and she knows about you, he'd be giving details about her reaction and finding out about the affair. This is why I think she didn't get the text.

 

I question whether the wife didnt actually get it because if you remember she was already suspecting then didnt end up going to the daughter's home alone for a trip to help out. She may well be biding her time since it seems that she already suspects.

[Spark1111]

Well whether you successfully end this, block him and move on, saying my spouse knows and doesn't care remains the oldest line in the affair script.

 

Think about it: It makes the AP feel less guilty and therefore MORE invested in the affair. The APs carry on with greater abandon because, according to the married partners spouse's know and do not care.

 

I can't think of a better ruse than that one line.

 

want to know the truth??

 

call her and ask her. Don't text, email, etc. Get the woman on the phone and ask her if it's true.

[solostand]

Well he never actually said she knows but does not care. I just assumed that because of all the suspicion she has about me.

 

I won't call her because I no longer care. I'll leave their marriage alone and go my own way from now on.