She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[solostand]

I don't want to marry him. I am never marrying again. Decided that a long time ago and plan to stick to it.

 

And at least he didn't throw me under a bus.

[Mount]

He did not throw your under the bus or it is not the time for him yet to throw OW under the bus to keep him staying in marrage, because you did not ask him doing any important thing for youself. You are just wishful thinking and post here, and he does not need to do any damage control because you are so trivial for him, and he can carry on with you forever.

 

Does it make sense.

 

Also we are not really talking about marry you or not marry, as he needs to be SINGLE legally first, does he(?), and you want him to be single, do you? Or you don't mind he is not single, that will lead all discussion to another direction then.

 

 

I don't want to marry him. I am never marrying again. Decided that a long time ago and plan to stick to it.

 

And at least he didn't throw me under a bus.

Edited October 11, 2014 by Mount

[2sunny]

It's important that you stay busy, especially now.

 

Focus on your art.

 

Let him sort through all his crappy drama.

 

He's still stirring up crap and calling you to dump a crappy situation on you.

 

Let him deal with it. He has a long road ahead whether he divorces or not.

 

 

I think it's realistic to expect him to waffle and go back and forth for a long while.

 

I hope you can detach enough to avoid feeling the ebbs and flows of what he's about to endure - as it's HIS not yours to deal with.

 

 

Also, she may call you at this point... Be prepared, I hope you will be honest with her if she does.

[jellybean89]

Solo,

 

please don't let him suck you back in with this.

 

You honestly have no idea if he threw you under a bus. You don't know anything except what he chooses to tell you.

 

I am sure you are rattled...but that doesn't mean you should continue talking to him or dealing with him. Put your phone away and get back in the zone of your art. What he and his wife do now is not your concern. He can tell you all day long he is estatic that she kicked him out -- he isn't thinking long term. He is thinking "what can I do to get Solo to now be my caretaker since wife isn't going to do it anymore". He is going to play on your emotions. He is going to tell you HE did this for you (even though HE did nothing, she did it). He is going to use your feelings to lure you back and continue the same drama.

 

DO NOT DRINK. I have never had an addiction, but from what I have learned is that this is exactly the situation that can cause a relapse. Stay focused - get to a meeting if you think you may drink. Go for a walk, go see friends. Do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in MM's drama. It isn't good for YOU nor your sobriety. I don't remember if you said you have a sponsor - if you do, reach out to that person.

 

Don't pin your hopes on what he is saying right now (selling the company, etc). He is going to do whatever he can to get back into your good graces. Did you tell him that you are done with him? Did you tell him you will no longer have an affair with him? Don't let this drama weaken you.

 

I wish you the best -- sobriety and happiness -- two things I do not believe the MM can provide you.

[whichwayisup]

Just wait until his daughter finds out about this. Right now he is happy but once he actually has to face his daughter, own up to what he's done behind everybody's back, betrayed them and lived this lie, things aren't going to be good.

 

I agree with jelly, focus on your own path, your own healing and staying sober. Go to AA meetings, find a sponsor (you didn't say if you had one or not), continue with your art. Dive into that and make yourself busy.

 

They have a long history and many years of marriage together, she's upset and pissed, rightfully so. I hope for her sake she's done and divorces him immediately.

[Mount]

But can't you guys not see what Solo wants, it is clearly the MM, as Solo said earlier (the post below). She wants that but did not tell MM straightly over the two years but instead sent text msg to his wife recently so that the MM was being kicked out of house, not willingly by himself.

 

So cut to the chase, even I do hope MM will go to Solo but I am afraid the chaos/craziness will continue.

 

 

You can't get divorced in ONE DAY which is how long he's been gone.

 

You were going on and on about how nothing changes - well something has definitely changed: She gave him an out and he grabbed it. He left her.

 

If I was walking down the aisle with him tomorrow you'd still say nothing has changed.

 

 

 

 

Solo,

 

please don't let him suck you back in with this.

 

You honestly have no idea if he threw you under a bus. You don't know anything except what he chooses to tell you.

 

I am sure you are rattled...but that doesn't mean you should continue talking to him or dealing with him. Put your phone away and get back in the zone of your art. What he and his wife do now is not your concern. He can tell you all day long he is estatic that she kicked him out -- he isn't thinking long term. He is thinking "what can I do to get Solo to now be my caretaker since wife isn't going to do it anymore". He is going to play on your emotions. He is going to tell you HE did this for you (even though HE did nothing, she did it). He is going to use your feelings to lure you back and continue the same drama.

 

DO NOT DRINK. I have never had an addiction, but from what I have learned is that this is exactly the situation that can cause a relapse. Stay focused - get to a meeting if you think you may drink. Go for a walk, go see friends. Do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in MM's drama. It isn't good for YOU nor your sobriety. I don't remember if you said you have a sponsor - if you do, reach out to that person.

 

Don't pin your hopes on what he is saying right now (selling the company, etc). He is going to do whatever he can to get back into your good graces. Did you tell him that you are done with him? Did you tell him you will no longer have an affair with him? Don't let this drama weaken you.

 

I wish you the best -- sobriety and happiness -- two things I do not believe the MM can provide you.

[solostand]

Well this is interesting.

 

Tonight I went out and I met the most wonderful man, my age, a true gentleman. We spent a lovely evening together and we talked as though we were old friends. He is handsome and there was instant chemistry. He opened my car door for me. He gave me a lovely good night kiss, and said earlier (when I was explaining my boundaries) that he would not expect to have sex with me until we both knew each other very well and wanted to do it to make love.

 

My head is spinning. I really liked this guy.

[Lurkeraspect]

Well this is interesting.

 

Tonight I went out and I met the most wonderful man, my age, a true gentleman. We spent a lovely evening together and we talked as though we were old friends. He is handsome and there was instant chemistry. He opened my car door for me. He gave me a lovely good night kiss, and said earlier (when I was explaining my boundaries) that he would not expect to have sex with me until we both knew each other very well and wanted to do it to make love.

 

My head is spinning. I really liked this guy.

 

Sounds like you live in a wonderful (mythical) land. You seem to meet men everywhere. Available men! Just enjoy, let this old man go. Poof.

[Mount]

I have to say this, and in very good intention. The whole/major issue is you ALWAYS want too little for yourself, and why? And so far you only attract drama/chaos for yourself.

 

A man that goes out (on a date) with you should open door for you, that is the minimal basic thing. And on first date a gentleman even should not mention "sex", "make love" such thing to you as it is so disrespectful. (if it was me, for a guy dares to say those in front of my face, I would pour water from my glass to his face)

 

For me, for those guys that inerested in me but I have no interest, even after one year I would not let them touch my fingernail.

 

So back to topic, you need to want and think you deserve things, want respect, want true love, want your BF including your MM's time (if he's going to be legally single), investment FOR YOURSELF. And you do not need to think you are trivial.

 

 

 

Well this is interesting.

 

Tonight I went out and I met the most wonderful man, my age, a true gentleman. We spent a lovely evening together and we talked as though we were old friends. He is handsome and there was instant chemistry. He opened my car door for me. He gave me a lovely good night kiss, and said earlier (when I was explaining my boundaries) that he would not expect to have sex with me until we both knew each other very well and wanted to do it to make love.

 

My head is spinning. I really liked this guy.

[solostand]

The sex part only came up when we were discussing what we wanted in a relationship, and how a relationship should start. I said that I would not have sex for a long time, so he knew where I stood, so I brought it up. The fact that he agreed with me was great.

[whichwayisup]

Well this is interesting.

 

Tonight I went out and I met the most wonderful man, my age, a true gentleman. We spent a lovely evening together and we talked as though we were old friends. He is handsome and there was instant chemistry. He opened my car door for me. He gave me a lovely good night kiss, and said earlier (when I was explaining my boundaries) that he would not expect to have sex with me until we both knew each other very well and wanted to do it to make love.

 

My head is spinning. I really liked this guy.

 

Great that you like him but Solo, you're not in a great place right now to get involved with someone else. You've got emotional baggage from your affair and you're so not over your MM. Your A isn't really over-over as MM is expecting you to be his out in the open girlfriend soon.

 

Be true and honest here, it's not fair to the new guy. Let him know that you're fresh out of a bad situation and even then you're not 100% sure what is going on and it would be best to keep things simple and at a friendship level.

 

I wish you'd not date anybody and just be alone and on your own so you can heal in a healthy way.

[solostand]

I agree.

 

The thing about the new guy is that he's out of province for three weeks per month. Which means he is only here one week per month. He's leaving Tuesday for a three week shift. That will give me lots of time (hopefully) to start sorting out my head.

 

Truth is though folks, I am in love with MM. There, I said it. And he is in love with me, no matter what you say I have no doubt about that. I've seen it, felt it, and been emotionally brought to my knees because of it.

[beach]

Well this is interesting.

 

Tonight I went out and I met the most wonderful man, my age, a true gentleman. We spent a lovely evening together and we talked as though we were old friends. He is handsome and there was instant chemistry. He opened my car door for me. He gave me a lovely good night kiss, and said earlier (when I was explaining my boundaries) that he would not expect to have sex with me until we both knew each other very well and wanted to do it to make love.

 

My head is spinning. I really liked this guy.

 

That's great to hear!

 

Do you have evidence he is single/available?

[beach]

Great that you like him but Solo, you're not in a great place right now to get involved with someone else. You've got emotional baggage from your affair and you're so not over your MM. Your A isn't really over-over as MM is expecting you to be his out in the open girlfriend soon.

 

Be true and honest here, it's not fair to the new guy. Let him know that you're fresh out of a bad situation and even then you're not 100% sure what is going on and it would be best to keep things simple and at a friendship level.

 

I wish you'd not date anybody and just be alone and on your own so you can heal in a healthy way.

 

I think it's great! As long as she completely cuts her MM out of her life.

 

Getting into counseling could help Solo a lot too. But she could do that while dating an available guy.

[Mount]

Agree with you, no doubt about it. So back to the core question, what do you WANT now from the MM? Do you want him to be single so he and you can be together? Or do you WANT him in any circumstance, even he is still married? If so, I am afraid it will bring you more chaos and craziness.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

The thing about the new guy is that he's out of province for three weeks per month. Which means he is only here one week per month. He's leaving Tuesday for a three week shift. That will give me lots of time (hopefully) to start sorting out my head.

 

Truth is though folks, I am in love with MM. There, I said it. And he is in love with me, no matter what you say I have no doubt about that. I've seen it, felt it, and been emotionally brought to my knees because of it.

[beach]

If you are that intent to be with this MM - you're capable of waiting until his ad is final.

 

If he divorces it's likely to be an ugly, awful time for a while. No need to be his emotional tampon for all his anger and tears about divorcing.

 

He can prove he's divorcing by finalizing it and then letting you know.

 

Heck, he's in such a temporary, limbo state he's staying with his brother.

 

Let the guy show evidence he plans to rent or buy a new place and gets his new life set up so he's actually all on his own.

 

For now, he could easily just grab his bag and head back home to the wife any moment - poof! And he might - not even considering how it may affect your feelings.

[whichwayisup]

I agree.

 

The thing about the new guy is that he's out of province for three weeks per month. Which means he is only here one week per month. He's leaving Tuesday for a three week shift. That will give me lots of time (hopefully) to start sorting out my head.

 

Truth is though folks, I am in love with MM. There, I said it. And he is in love with me, no matter what you say I have no doubt about that. I've seen it, felt it, and been emotionally brought to my knees because of it.

 

Then end it with the new single guy. It isn't fair to him to keep him in your life.

 

Fix you, do counseling, do AA and let MM and his situation play out as it will. If he divorces, then you two can get together. Until then, keep contact limited to calls, don't relapse back into sex and continue the A while he's sorting out his divorce and all the other stuff that goes with it.

[solostand]

Well the first question I asked new guy if he was married. He wore no ring. He said no. Then I asked if he had a girlfriend. He said no. Later he brought it up and said something along the lines of "when you asked if I was married or had a girlfriend, I want you to know that I would NEVER EVER cheat on anyone."

He goes away for three weeks a month so there will be no choice but to take it slow if I take it at all. He has my number, I have his. He raised his daughter as a single parent and says he lives for his grandson.

He didn't mind getting his picture taken with me a dozen times because his funny stupid buddy kept taking it and sending them to him by text.

 

But yes, I have to deal with MM first.

[whichwayisup]

But is he aware that you're with and in love with someone else? You asked him questions and he answered honestly. Didn't he ask you some questions as well?

[solostand]

No he didn't come to think of it. I think he just assumed I was single because I was acting single. It was really a light evening of a game of pool and superficial sharing of our lives. The point was, I could see myself having a relationship with him because many of our interests are the same and there was definite chemistry - rare for me to find.

 

As for MM, today he brought me a gift he bought for me at the religious shrine on his vacation. It was a Sterling Silver worry stone, with the serenity prayer written on one side. It is meant to be carried with you at all times. Of course I was touched.

 

He also told me that the only thing he had of me on that trip was a white lighter I gave him. He said he held on to that lighter because it was Solostand. Then one night it ran out of fuel and he put it in a v between two maple trees as sort of a shrine.

[Lovelysweet2]

He also told me that the only thing he had of me on that trip was a white lighter I gave him. He said he held on to that lighter because it was Solostand. Then one night it ran out of fuel and he put it in a v between two maple trees as sort of a shrine.

 

That seems a bit bizarre to me, but whatever floats your boat. Men and women on first dates are usually on their best behavior, some are genuine and some pretending. It seems you place your self worth solely (solostand) on validation from men.

You went on one date, and attempt to twist it into a fairy tale of the great knight. You lied to him about who you are, your status, what is to say he didn't.

I wish you would wake up from these delusions and find true happiness. Sincerely.

[goodyblue]

Solo, I am all for you finding happiness whatever that means for you, but when you read back on your posts doesn't it all feel a little juvenile? He couldn't leave BS of his own volition, dumped you and then pined for you... it just feels... so 10th grade. He carried a white lighter and then left it as a shrine? Wut? I know you love him but he has simply got to be doing more. Otherwise he is wasting his time and yours. I would feel differently if you were ok being OW forever but that is not what you want. He has got to get his crap together and fight for you. Clinging to a lighter is not change, it is lack of conviction to do what needs to be done.

 

I know you love him. I am not bashing you. I just think that, if he has left, and you want him, now is the time to assert your needs and make him live up to your expectations. He can't be a mealy mouthed pacifist forever. Keep us posted.

 

PS. I read about the FB thing on the other thread. My guy's ex stalked me and still does on FB. It is awful. I made everything private but sometimes one will slip through to public and she always sends horrible emails and makes life h* ll. And if he is really divorcing, do not give her ammo to use against him in court or in public. Be the better person.

[solostand]

You are right about me needing validation from men. I was always seeking validation from an emotionally absent father, plus my sister abused me emotionally by calling me fat, ugly, and telling me no man would ever want me for my entire life. I know this.

 

These are new realizations that I have just recently come to. I do have a psychiatrist and plan to start working on these problems with him. I have also started praying a lot for strength to face whatever comes to pass, and for the right thing to happen, even if it hurts me.

[HermioneG]

My wish for you is that you find a way to get enough clarity and distance to realize that nothing this man is telling you is true ( I do not believe for one second that his wife kicked him out. Nope. ). And I hope you also realize that drama does not equal love or true emotion. It's just drama, and it's better suited for a soap opera, not a real life.

[Mount]

She needs to know how serious it is. Not just a fling.

 

In another post you said you want MM's wife knowing more about you (the affair with the MM) by unlocking facebook pics, that is very passive way . If you really want the MM solely you should have the gut speaking to wife directly.

 

Also did the MM tell you exactly what he will do (his plan next) when you two met? Or do you not mind at all he is married? Right now at this point the critical discussion topic between you and the MM should be when he will file divorce if you still want him to be single, not some lame gift or some "keeping thinking about you during the trip with wife" non-sense as it can go on another 60 pages post - you need to get on the BUSINESS (the real deal means the MM will put divorce in action if he truly loves you).

 

But I feel like you don't mind keeping the status quo, hope you do know you are worth more than a little gift, you deserve more..And also you are not a teenage anymore, and if talking practically you need to prepare for your retirement life, those little meaningless wooing words, little gift are not helping you, not help you living on true good life. Usually people at your age is already starting to enjoy their fruit of lives including career, financial, family, and peacefully slide into retirement life, not teenage drama.

 

 

You are right about me needing validation from men. I was always seeking validation from an emotionally absent father, plus my sister abused me emotionally by calling me fat, ugly, and telling me no man would ever want me for my entire life. I know this.

 

These are new realizations that I have just recently come to. I do have a psychiatrist and plan to start working on these problems with him. I have also started praying a lot for strength to face whatever comes to pass, and for the right thing to happen, even if it hurts me.

Edited October 12, 2014 by Mount