Author solostand Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Well all lives are not the same and I unfortunately have had a rather difficult one due to the disease of alcoholism. Not every person is comfortable at this age in life - people need to realize there are many, many people suffering out there, they just choose not to look. I am doing my best to rebuild my life and lately I have been doing very well. I don't need lectures about how I should have Registered Retirement Savings Plans. Remember, walk a mile in someone else's shoes. . . Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) [5944652] Also did the MM tell you exactly what he will do (his plan next) when you two met? Or do you not mind at all he is married? Right now at this point the critical discussion topic between you and the MM should be when he will file divorce if you still want him to be single, not some lame gift or some "keeping thinking about you during the trip with wife" non-sense as it can go on another 60 pages post - you need to get on the BUSINESS (the real deal means the MM will put divorce in action if he truly loves you). But I feel like you don't mind keeping the status quo But you are avoid the million-dollar question, did MM lay out the specific plan to divorce, or does he even want to divorce and being with you. I think you already know the answer, that it is clearly not happening but you keep avoiding and avoiding. Normal OWs who do not want to be OW anymore at this stage will focus on the MM's action (Divorce) vs words topic. So cut to the chase, what do you WANT at this point, if you are contented MM being in your life and do not mind he is married, it is still ok. Well all lives are not the same and I unfortunately have had a rather difficult one due to the disease of alcoholism. Not every person is comfortable at this age in life - people need to realize there are many, many people suffering out there, they just choose not to look. I am doing my best to rebuild my life and lately I have been doing very well. I don't need lectures about how I should have Registered Retirement Savings Plans. Remember, walk a mile in someone else's shoes. . . Edited October 12, 2014 by Mount Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 He wants to be with me. As I told you prior, its hard to get a divorce on one day's notice, especially on a long weekend in my country. Its going to take time to sort out assets et cetera. But he has left because he longs to be with me, and cannot bear to be without me. Something happened to him on that trip that took him to the next level, if you know what I mean. He's dead serious. As for divorce, I personally don't care if he's divorced or not as long as we eventually end up publicly together as a couple. I know this is a controversial topic on here, but my first marriage ended after three years and we didn't bother to get divorced for 20 years, and I had several long term relationships during that time, as did he. We just didn't need to so why bother spending money? The only reason we DID divorce is because I remarried. If not, we'd still have been married when he passed away. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I still don't see that anything has changed... Except that you allowed him to contact you and see you again. Back to square one at this point... Change will only come from you Solo - what are you planning to change for yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Solo, he is telling you how happy he is. Who cares! He didn't choose you. He go kicked out! He still hasn't picked you. Arent you better than that? He didn't leave the lighter as a shrine, he lost it and decided to tell you some romantic slop he knew you would eat with a spoon. For all you know she bought that worry stone and then threw it at his head. If you love him fine, love him. I love fried everything but I don't eat it because it damages me. this guy damages you. Stay away. Treat him like booze. Stay away. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 I am so tired of defending myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 But every MM in this world says the samething to their OWs, as long as OWs allow them still not changing anything such as they are married...etc, the expression can go on forever. My xMM not only say those things till even right now, during the affair he constantly bought rose, gift, including very expensive High-end jewerly , all other financial help on my home deco and renovation, paid trip for me as he claimed he can not bear not seeing me when he went on 6 days trip with wife...etc. Despite we saw each other every working day, he also sneaked out during weekends, holiday. But it is not enough FOR ME, I deserve more than, his legally single status is the critical point that is why I demanded to have that. Since he can not fulfill my requirement and back out twice despite the affair disclosure day it was him telling his wife that he's leaving her and got out of house then back out. Because I dislike having drama in my life, even two weeks ago XMM says he still want me, I have to ignore that part of his words. No drama anymore, enough is enough, I dont want to waste my precious time or life wasting on listening those useless wooing words. I need to see D paper on the table. He wants to be with me. As I told you prior, its hard to get a divorce on one day's notice, especially on a long weekend in my country. Its going to take time to sort out assets et cetera. But he has left because he longs to be with me, and cannot bear to be without me. Something happened to him on that trip that took him to the next level, if you know what I mean. He's dead serious. As for divorce, I personally don't care if he's divorced or not as long as we eventually end up publicly together as a couple. I know this is a controversial topic on here, but my first marriage ended after three years and we didn't bother to get divorced for 20 years, and I had several long term relationships during that time, as did he. We just didn't need to so why bother spending money? The only reason we DID divorce is because I remarried. If not, we'd still have been married when he passed away. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) Because your posts content is contracdicting what you tried to say in the beginning of your post. Basically you are contracdicting yourself. So you need to have answer yourself clearly, you want to be the MM's OW and even he is married, yes or no. And you know MM will return home to his wife very soon (for any reason he will come up), it will not be a surprise. Also why you so believe his words, is real life composed by "words"? How come at your age you still do not understand people can say anything they want to say, fall in love, can not live without you...etc. I am so tired of defending myself. Edited October 12, 2014 by Mount 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 @Mount: I myself have been harsh on Solo in the past, but I don't understand the reason for this "tough love" coming from you. You are asking questions that she can't answer cause she has not taken her life in her own hands, the MM defines her being and her choices. You pushing her to the corner and being that harsh and ironic to her won't help her, as many more posters' harsh way didn't help her all this time. You chose to be strong and realistic with your MM's words and demand actions, she is not that strong. Lets wait and see how this time things will turn out. Solo, I'm supporting you. You seem like a hurt person from life, and I respect that. All your poor choices are not your fault. I wish you find the strength to do the best for yourself and your happiness in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Have you written out a fourth step yet - specifically on your MM? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I cant understand why Solo keeps saying MM left his wis wife when that is not the case at ALL. She left him, and there is a huge difference. Him divorcing his wife will be the worst thing that can happen to solo. He is such a bad person in every way. He will bring her down. He is going to resent solo eventually. The first time she forgets to shave her legs he will say to himself, I am only here because solo told on me and made my wife mad. It had to be from him leaving her. The relationship is toxic, and has taken an even more toxic turn. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I think most of the posters really wanted to "shake" Solo and wake her up to see/face the reality, which she constantly refused to see. That is not helping if Solo refused to see the reality, in self-denial mode. I cant understand why Solo keeps saying MM left his wis wife when that is not the case at ALL. She left him, and there is a huge difference. Him divorcing his wife will be the worst thing that can happen to solo. He is such a bad person in every way. He will bring her down. He is going to resent solo eventually. The first time she forgets to shave her legs he will say to himself, I am only here because solo told on me and made my wife mad. It had to be from him leaving her. The relationship is toxic, and has taken an even more toxic turn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Solo, I'm supporting you. You seem like a hurt person from life, and I respect that. All your poor choices are not your fault. I wish you find the strength to do the best for yourself and your happiness in the future. I agree that she does seem like a hurt person who has been through a lot but to tell anyone who is an adult that their poor choices are not their fault is not reality. Her posts scream low self esteem but she is still responsible for her own choices. Her choice to stay on the sidelines of this MM for so long and deny herself meeting someone who will put her first was a choice. Participating in lying and deception was a choice. Now she is faced with another choice to break free of this guy and possibly take a chance with a single guy, or continue to deal with whatever the next drama with this MM is. Yes his wife kicked him out and he states he is happy but it has only been a couple of days, when reality sets in things might look different. The truth is that 20 plus pages have been given to Solo of what others on this board think she should do, but none of us have a real vested interest in her life and as I looked back in her threads this is pretty common, she does what she wants regardless of what's said to her, which is fine. So it is her choice and she may choose a positive one for her life or a negative one, but it will be hers and she is responsible for it. She is not a 20 year old woman, at some point in all of our lives we have to own our choices and the consequences they bring. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I phrased it wrong, I meant to say that not all her choices are entirely her fault. Bad childhood and an absent father is very common to cause this kind of behaviors to women. Low self esteem is a result as well. I'm just trying to consider everything before I start judging her. I find she is the victim in this situation, the MM's victim, cause he is taking advantage of her low self esteem and daddy issues instead of letting her go to find a man who is available and single. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I find she is the victim in this situation, the MM's victim, cause he is taking advantage of her low self esteem and daddy issues instead of letting her go to find a man who is available and single. I completely disagree. I do not believe in overblown victim's mentality and excuses. I have had huge obstacles as a child, and I could have chosen to use them as an excuse for my poor choices, but have instead used them to make myself a stronger person. She is not his victim. She is not mentally stunted or on the spectrum of retardation in which she cannot actively make healthy choices. Some people choose dysfunction and thrive on drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I do understand what you are saying and I see that her issues have contributed to her poor choices. She is only a victim if she chooses to be. My H cheated on me and I could have chosen to be a victim or keep my self worth and make choices based on what's right for me. Children are victims when things happen TO them, people who are assaulted are victims because things happen TO them. She has chosen to engage with this man for I think 6 years. That is a choice. He does sound manipulative and brutal but she has participated in the manipulation and games in this A. Again she is not a young girl. We all have pain and sometimes trauma in our pasts but as adults we get help and grow. No one in an A is a victim unless they didn't know they were in one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 The whole point is People live on life by really thinking, not live on emotion. Emotion does not achieve on anything. Believe or not, right now Solo's MM is thinking - to think what is next step to get back to house/wife; The MM's wife is thinking - actually her kicking MM out is just a gesture to get MM's attention and to warn MM who is the boss here. But Solo has not been thinking, about what the next step is, instead Solo is just going along with MM's words...words... Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Sweetheart, you are the current board "whipping boy", unfortunately. Anything you post is going to get negativity and criticism and it sucks monkey butt. You're not the first and you won't be the last. No matter what you decide, I hope you make the best choice for YOU that will make you happy. THAT is what you need to base your decisions on. Whether that's with or without MM, make YOUR choice what's best for YOUR life. No one on this board has to live with that choice, only you do. Much love and peace to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) I think there has a logic messed-up in the long post. 1) Solo started a post stating what she wanted to have (at that time) - MM being single to be with her; 2) Then over 20 pages replied that posters advised her in order to get there, what she supposes to do, including NC; 3) Then Solo re-vamped everything she said, by saying she does not want MM being single (actually she deeply knows it is not going to happen), and instead Solo says she is satified with the wooing words the MM was saying, and she does not mind if MM is married. . . . duh....where is the congruence. Posts reflect people's thoughts, and thoughts will be reflected into life, so if posts' content is so messed up, then.....in real life..... Sweetheart, you are the current board "whipping boy", unfortunately. Anything you post is going to get negativity and criticism and it sucks monkey butt. You're not the first and you won't be the last. No matter what you decide, I hope you make the best choice for YOU that will make you happy. THAT is what you need to base your decisions on. Whether that's with or without MM, make YOUR choice what's best for YOUR life. No one on this board has to live with that choice, only you do. Much love and peace to you. Edited October 12, 2014 by Mount Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 You are right about me needing validation from men. I was always seeking validation from an emotionally absent father, plus my sister abused me emotionally by calling me fat, ugly, and telling me no man would ever want me for my entire life. I know this. These are new realizations that I have just recently come to. I do have a psychiatrist and plan to start working on these problems with him. I have also started praying a lot for strength to face whatever comes to pass, and for the right thing to happen, even if it hurts me. Do you think, right now, you're in a healthy place? If no, then why not slow it down with MM and stop all intimacy. if you two end up together when he is divorced and you're in a healthier and stronger place, then go publicly date. Timing is wrong right now. Deal with your struggles, past hurts from childhood and your daddy issues. Therapy is what you put into it so work hard to fix what's broken inside of you Solo. He wants to be with me. As I told you prior, its hard to get a divorce on one day's notice, especially on a long weekend in my country. Eye of the storm said it perfectly. I mirror her post! He had tons and tons of opportunities to leave his wife, to divorce her, but he didn't pull the trigger. Now you'll have him to yourself because she kicked him out. HE is in unhealthy too, in a bad place, all over the map. He isn't true to anybody. He needs to work on himself to be a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Solo, I hope you can find a way to be happy. With or without this MM. Edited October 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Solo, your happiness matters. You have every right to expect that from life. We are not meant to be miserable. Hang in there. Edited October 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 How are you feeling today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I feel anxiety, fear, anger, love, revenge, empathy, but mostly anxiety. This is very difficult and I am having a bad day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Solo focus on your art. Link to post Share on other sites
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