She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[beach]

I went back and read your first post in your original thread.

 

My oh my you have stayed on his merry go round for a long time.

 

You want it and you want more. I wish you'd face your reasons why you do this to yourself.

 

Self abuse and abuse from others viewed as normal must be in your history. So much so that you believe these lies you keep telling yourself.

 

It's difficult to think he's abusive toward you when you are the one who keeps begging him for more of the same. That is your fault.

 

No one to blame for all of this crap except yourself.

 

 

 

When I got sober and addressed MY issues that looked much the same as yours I realized I was the only one responsible for my crappy past and I was the only one responsible for a better future for myself.

 

I did that by eliminating everyone who complicated my life. Those that added drama went away when I stopped participating with them.

 

Why did you drink solo? What was the pain that was so unbearable that you needed to get numb not to feel THAT feeling? You CAN stop chasing that abuse!

[gettingstronger]

Originally Posted by gettingstronger

As a BS that was told by anon text , I can say it's not how I found out but what happened next that mattered. My husband immediately admitted to it, begged forgiveness, etc. What has been damaging is our OWs refusal to stay out of our lives. If you really want to do what's best, stay away. Work on you and don't continue to intrude. You, like our OW are fragile. She kept intruding with very serious consequences to herself. I wish she had worked on herself. She would be so much better off by now.

So you just let him off the hook. My mm begged forgiveness too. Do you know for sure he didn't do the same with her?

 

 

Off the hook? Not by a long shot. By the content of her texts and her actions since dday, it's safe to assume he left her far behind. That's not the point though, the point is getting healthy and taking care of yourself. You may consider that for yourself as it appears you may still be worried about your mm as well.

[goodyblue]

Solo, there has been a lot of talk about your state of mind when you sent the text, your reasoning. I opine that it does not matter, it is done. Focus on what you want now and how you see things playing out. Only you can decide what you will do if anything more happens. Just try to prepare yourself for different scenarios so that you won't be taken by surprise and then work on your own peace and happiness. Everyone deserves peace. We should not be put in situations that make us stressed to the hilt all the time. It is so hard on us. Be good to you right now. If you feel good about what you did with the text, nothing else matters. Chin up.

Edited September 28, 2014 by goodyblue

[whichwayisup]

Why? You sent her your phone number you said... So why would she pry away his phone to call you if she wanted to call you?

 

If she wanted to call you, you gave her the information to do so, she would.

 

The fact is she already knew about you and how to contact you if she wanted to and you admitted she knows there's an affair, she never reached out to you then. I think you've got an over-inflated sense of how much sway you really have in this marriage.

 

I have to totally agree with this. Solo, you may never find out why she's chosen to turn a blind eye to all this affair information she's been given and still continue on her marriage with her husband. Obviously they have no desire to separate and divorce. Whatever their dynamic is behind closed doors ( that you know nothing about) is strong enough to keep them together. Their reasons are valid to them, whether it be old age, not wanting to start over again, money, lifestyle or now a grand child. For all you know she is fine with him cheating as long as he doesn't leave her. It could very well be she is having her own affair too. Who knows, but he's had plenty of time to up and leave, he hasn't and won't.

 

You are in control of your own destiny now. If you want MM, then continue on with your affair, stop pushing him to leave, stop making future plans or allowing him to future talk and let it be an affair. Nothing more, nothing less. Just an affair. Accept your role as the OW, enjoy the times you spend together and when you're not with him, LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE while he is living his. Stop putting him first, stop focusing on him, his marriage and his wife.

 

Or end it. Tell him to shove it up his ass and to leave you alone, that you're done and if he calls and calls and calls, doesn't leave you alone, you'll file a restraining order against him.

[jellybean89]

I'm curious too.

 

She said earlier that she thinks the wife loves him, that she wants the chips to fall where they may, she's tired of being the side bit, etc etc. I'm not sure what the goal was... To tell her so she'd leave him and they could have their relationship?

 

Again, there's no way he won't know his wife was told by her. Everybody will figure it out. After doing something like this, she's already said the wife will be relieved (implying you think she'll be thankful for what she did)... Does she honestly think she'll have a grateful wife who "knows who she's married to" and gets the divorce and the ex-husband who's equally happy he can now be with the woman he really loves?

 

Instead of berating Solo with every one of your posts, how about just supporting her?

 

She FINALLY took a step in the direction of ending the affair - she said she is going NC with the MM now.

 

So she took the 'easy' way out and sent an anony text..so what! the fact is she did it and she is ready to move forward.

 

Continuing to berate her, tell her she is basically stupid and tearing apart what has ALREADY HAPPENED....how about giving her suggestions for going forward with NC, things to do instead of drinking or contacting the MM, etc.? Post after post after long winded post about how 'everyone will know it was her'. SO WHAT!!! According to her, everyone knew she was in an affair! Its DONE - the text has been sent. So let it go.

 

Solo, find the courage and strength to NOT be in contact with the MM. Find a new meeting to go to to get support - stop going to the 'normal' meeting with him. Find a sponsor who you can trust and be honest with.

 

Get busy with getting on with your life.

 

My heart breaks for the wife -- her world has imploded (and I do not believe she really knew of the affair -- she probably thinks who would have that old coot of a husband!) Now, she has to figure out if the text was the truth or whatever baloney her H is going to be telling her is the truth. That is between them -- so unless SHE contacts you, stay away from them. Let them heal their marriage. You honestly have no idea what their marriage is like - you can't believe the MM because he is a known liar. We know he stays with his wife for some reason - love, security, who knows... but your affair with him is now over, right? You won't go back to it, right?

 

Good luck to you.

[goodyblue]

Instead of berating Solo with every one of your posts, how about just supporting her?

 

She FINALLY took a step in the direction of ending the affair - she said she is going NC with the MM now.

 

So she took the 'easy' way out and sent an anony text..so what! the fact is she did it and she is ready to move forward.

 

Continuing to berate her, tell her she is basically stupid and tearing apart what has ALREADY HAPPENED....how about giving her suggestions for going forward with NC, things to do instead of drinking or contacting the MM, etc.? Post after post after long winded post about how 'everyone will know it was her'. SO WHAT!!! According to her, everyone knew she was in an affair! Its DONE - the text has been sent. So let it go.

 

Solo, find the courage and strength to NOT be in contact with the MM. Find a new meeting to go to to get support - stop going to the 'normal' meeting with him. Find a sponsor who you can trust and be honest with.

 

Get busy with getting on with your life.

 

My heart breaks for the wife -- her world has imploded (and I do not believe she really knew of the affair -- she probably thinks who would have that old coot of a husband!) Now, she has to figure out if the text was the truth or whatever baloney her H is going to be telling her is the truth. That is between them -- so unless SHE contacts you, stay away from them. Let them heal their marriage. You honestly have no idea what their marriage is like - you can't believe the MM because he is a known liar. We know he stays with his wife for some reason - love, security, who knows... but your affair with him is now over, right? You won't go back to it, right?

 

Good luck to you.

 

I see you pushing your own agenda here as well.

 

Solo, take what helps and leave the rest.

[bentleychic]

I'm sure any OW here can tell you that if they got a call from the BS saying they were told you were sleeping with their spouse, they'd deny, deny, deny, answer nothing.

 

Nope, not any of us. Some of us would be honest about it.

 

My MM's W already knows and he's admitted to her so it'd be stupid for me to deny now, anyway, but even before she knew, I wouldn't have denied.

[goodyblue]

I don't think I would give any info at all. I would refer her to her husband.

[bentleychic]

Instead of berating Solo with every one of your posts, how about just supporting her?

 

Agreed. Good luck, Solo.

[DKT3]

I see you pushing your own agenda here as well.

 

Solo, take what helps and leave the rest.

 

We all push our agenda's here, don't we? Some say its ok to tell the BS, some say not. Some say its wrong to have affairs, some say they are wrong but less so if THEY are happy in the end and others have to deal with the pain of someones elses choices.

[goodyblue]

We all push our agenda's here, don't we? Some say its ok to tell the BS, some say not. Some say its wrong to have affairs, some say they are wrong but less so if THEY are happy in the end and others have to deal with the pain of someones elses choices.

 

That is correct. I just find it interesting who gets called on the carpet for it and who doesn't.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I don't think I would give any info at all. I would refer her to her husband.

 

If you chose to have an affair, chose to reveal it to the BS, then if she had questions, would refer her to her WH??? Seriously? Why out the affair then? You know WS position. Why would you out the affair, then clam up? If the WS had been honest from the beginning this would be a moot point. Why disclose then not follow through?

[goodyblue]

If you chose to have an affair, chose to reveal it to the BS, then if she had questions, would refer her to her WH??? Seriously? Why out the affair then? You know WS position. Why would you out the affair, then clam up? If the WS had been honest from the beginning this would be a moot point. Why disclose then not follow through?

 

Good question. I have to answer hypothetically as I would never have revealed in the first place. However, I believe sometimes an AP will reveal so that the WS is outed and caught by the BS in an effort to stop the affair and feels disclosure is the only way. Most of the time, as you know, disclosure sends the WS into a tailspin. The damage control then usually begins. The pathetic begging of WS, the trickle truthing, even the gas lighting. But... what also happens is the BS demands NC with the OW. If this is the reason that the AP has exposed the affair, to put an end to it that is permanent, once that goal is accomplished there would be no more reason to have any contact with the BS. It is not OW's marriage but the marriage of WS and BS. It is up to them how they handle the rest. Therefore, after exposure, the OW could move on and heal and let them sort out what they want to do without further interference from OW.

[gettingstronger]

Again- guard your sobriety first-the rest can wait-

[Redheaded Mistress]

Instead of berating Solo with every one of your posts, how about just supporting her?

 

Giving her information that may conflict with her plan or advising her she made a bad choice doesn't mean I'm not supporting her or offering her help or advice. Support isn't just being told what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

 

She FINALLY took a step in the direction of ending the affair - she said she is going NC with the MM now.

 

NC means NC. Not NC on the MM and contact with his wife.

 

She said earlier that she was frustrated it was taking so long for the "chips to fall where they may." She's ending the affair, but ending it in the hopes of ending their marriage so the affair can continue as an open relationship. That's not quite the same thing as "ending the affair."

 

So she took the 'easy' way out and sent an anony text..so what! the fact is she did it and she is ready to move forward.

 

But she's not because now she's creating fantastic reasons for why his wife hasn't contacted her yet, for how she's going to have to steal the phone to call her, for how she's giving information that will be a relief to the wife, and how now she can decide to leave him.

 

Continuing to berate her, tell her she is basically stupid and tearing apart what has ALREADY HAPPENED....how about giving her suggestions for going forward with NC, things to do instead of drinking or contacting the MM, etc.? Post after post after long winded post about how 'everyone will know it was her'. SO WHAT!!! According to her, everyone knew she was in an affair! Its DONE - the text has been sent. So let it go.

 

The "so what" is that Solo has continued to operate in a way that's one step from reality. She thinks that she's completely undercover, she won't be discovered and despite being told by myself and others that it's obvious that the text would have come from her, she still believes nobody will know. That means this girl hasn't planned at all what she's going to do when/if that phone rings and the wife says she knows she sent it. She hasn't prepared for the blowout from her MM when he says he knows she deliberately informed his wife to cause problems. She hasn't prepared for the idea that now she's being thrown under the bus and all the stress that comes with having your MM and his wife now pissed at you and what all that could mean.

 

Yes, the text has been sent, but my concern and that of everybody posting here is that she hasn't given a moment's thought of what happens next. The reality she's told us she expects is that his wife will be grateful to her for telling her, leave the marriage, and her MM will be equally grateful to be out of the bad marriage and then fall back to her for a relationship because he really loves her.

 

Does that seem at all realistic?

 

I get she sent the text. I don't care, there's no fixing that. But the behavior that lead to it and the behavior she's displaying after and the result she believes will come... She's setting herself up to look like a bunny boiler. Not to mention, her behavior to get attention from his wife and force a resolution to their marriage that she wants is escalating. So if the wife ignores the text as she's ignored her and him and the affair thus far, then what?

 

My point is that she has at no point displayed an intent to end the affair, go NC, and move on. She's got an ending she wants and she's acting in a way to illicit that ending and in a manner that shows no regard for the man's wife or even him for that matter. If she was serious in NC, the phone would have stayed in the drawer and she'd have washed her hands of the whole thing, not contacted the wife and then expressed on how she's now waiting to hear from her so they can talk and she can spill the details. None of that is resolution, none of that is NC, and since she's doing it with the intent of their divorcing, it's not her ending the affair.

[Got it]

Solo - I, like you, didn't get the handbook on how to handle things as the OW including how to end things properly or the proper protocol on how tell the spouse.

 

So, you did it the way you did it. Okay. What do you want to do now? What are your next steps? I do think you should dig deeper on why you choose to do it anonymously and whether that was to give yourself some wiggle room on the NC piece.

 

Do you want to end the affair? Do you want to part ways with him?

 

Also keep focused on why you are in AA and what your issues are tied to your addiction. Do you have an IC that you are talking to? I am afraid that the affair and everything tied to it is just a cover, a distraction, for your deeper issues. So you are repeating patterns.

 

Start to journal and think through your actions and thought processes. Sit with yourself and be silent, be still.

 

I do think therapy would be very beneficial for you. I hope you continue on the right track and start acting in behaviors that set yourself up for success.

 

Who do you want to be and what do you envision for yourself?

[goodyblue]

We all push our agenda's here, don't we? Some say its ok to tell the BS, some say not. Some say its wrong to have affairs, some say they are wrong but less so if THEY are happy in the end and others have to deal with the pain of someones elses choices.

 

Just to be perfectly clear, I do not feel that my guys ex is dealing with the pain for our choices. I think that if she is in pain it is because of the choices she made to shut her husband out, which was a large factor in the demise of the marriage.

 

No more thread jacking.

 

Solo, I just wondered if you could elaborate as to what you hope the end game to look like?

[cozycottagelg]

How are you doing today Solo? Have you heard from either of them?

[pixiecut]

Why? You sent her your phone number you said... So why would she pry away his phone to call you if she wanted to call you?

 

If she wanted to call you, you gave her the information to do so, she would.

 

The fact is she already knew about you and how to contact you if she wanted to and you admitted she knows there's an affair, she never reached out to you then. I think you've got an over-inflated sense of how much sway you really have in this marriage.

I would not be surprised if the BS does call SS from the husband's phone, pretending to be him, to verify the story he may tell her about the affair after the confrontation, meaning evaluating the OP's tone/reaction to "him". My BF's ex wife did just that on the Dday, texted me from his phone suggesting we meet (hours later I got an email from him letting me know that his phone was in her possession) obviously from the text I figured out it was not him (speech pattern/expressions etc very uncharacteristic of him) and played along to minimize the nature of our relationship. A humiliating experience to say the least. Anyway, my point being, the BS may reach out either directly or under pretense to SS, in which case, Solostand, you may want to make a decision to further engage this charade/drama/utterly humiliating farce of a situation, or own up to your part and then respectfully withdraw and concern yourself with your own life.

[Owl]

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

 

Not all.

 

I agree with telling her. Reading the rest of the thread now.

[cif]

Again- guard your sobriety first-the rest can wait-

 

Why hasn't anyone said this earlier? I missed the other thread and only read this one.

 

My advice would be work on sobriety and the other issues in your life. Ending the affair without a strong support system will ruin OP! The affair, the BS they can all wait. Continue the affair while you work on yourself will make you better equipped to finally leave MM.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Good question. I have to answer hypothetically as I would never have revealed in the first place. However, I believe sometimes an AP will reveal so that the WS is outed and caught by the BS in an effort to stop the affair and feels disclosure is the only way. Most of the time, as you know, disclosure sends the WS into a tailspin. The damage control then usually begins. The pathetic begging of WS, the trickle truthing, even the gas lighting. But... what also happens is the BS demands NC with the OW. If this is the reason that the AP has exposed the affair, to put an end to it that is permanent, once that goal is accomplished there would be no more reason to have any contact with the BS. It is not OW's marriage but the marriage of WS and BS. It is up to them how they handle the rest. Therefore, after exposure, the OW could move on and heal and let them sort out what they want to do without further interference from OW.

 

 

If one can not see how utterly selfish, immature and pathetic it is for an AP to out the affair to the BS because they can not control their own emotions/actions surrounding the ending of the affair.......just wow!

 

I also like the part where an AP gets to decide who/when/how long one of the parties gets to interfere in the lives of the other two. Not to mention NC with the BS....and not the WS.

[Owl]

If one can not see how utterly selfish, immature and pathetic it is for an AP to out the affair to the BS because they can not control their own emotions/actions surrounding the ending of the affair.......just wow!

 

I also like the part where an AP gets to decide who/when/how long one of the parties gets to interfere in the lives of the other two. Not to mention NC with the BS....and not the WS.

 

Here's the thing. Most (granted not all, but IME, most) BS's want to know. Regardless of who tells them, nor why.

 

Having the affair was interfering in the BS's life.

 

Admitting the affair to the BS isn't interfering...it's a step towards ENDING your interference and taking responsiblility for what you've done.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would not be surprised if the BS does call SS from the husband's phone, pretending to be him, to verify the story he may tell her about the affair after the confrontation, meaning evaluating the OP's tone/reaction to "him". My BF's ex wife did just that on the Dday, texted me from his phone suggesting we meet (hours later I got an email from him letting me know that his phone was in her possession) obviously from the text I figured out it was not him (speech pattern/expressions etc very uncharacteristic of him) and played along to minimize the nature of our relationship. A humiliating experience to say the least. Anyway, my point being, the BS may reach out either directly or under pretense to SS, in which case, Solostand, you may want to make a decision to further engage this charade/drama/utterly humiliating farce of a situation, or own up to your part and then respectfully withdraw and concern yourself with your own life.

 

The problem that I see from your advice here is that Solost has already set up the dynamic of not disclosing who is on the other end of the communication not the BS, in this situation.

 

What concerns me...is how far Solost...has allowed herself to fall down the rabbit hole. How does an AP get the private cell phone number of the BS?

 

When does advice start addressing the issues within ourselves and not just the dramatics of it all?

[goodyblue]

If one can not see how utterly selfish, immature and pathetic it is for an AP to out the affair to the BS because they can not control their own emotions/actions surrounding the ending of the affair.......just wow!

 

I also like the part where an AP gets to decide who/when/how long one of the parties gets to interfere in the lives of the other two. Not to mention NC with the BS....and not the WS.

 

Whatever. I answered the question. So ridiculous. BS' s say they want to know. Suddenly they don't? Jesus, the entire affair is selfish, what do you expect? A bouquet of roses and chocolates with a note sayin 'i have been physically an emotionally involved with your husband, just letting you know. Call me!' Solo did it, sent the text, now the BS can make her own decisions. It would not have mattered what I said, you would have attacked. Enjoy your day.