She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[HBIC]

 

Wow, I LOVE being the Clown. I have it made!!

 

I don't feel sorry for the one who keeps looking for me.

 

The clown, by definition, lacks empathy. Story amended

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she knows actually what to do. There is the bias towards believing your spouse.

Yes there is. 30+ years of marriage, nobody is gonna walk away from that so quickly. Just like there is bias for you believing all that he tells you. You love him and trust him, he tells 'believable' lies and is quite convincing.

 

Also, maybe you can understand why she isn't reacting the way you want her to (divorce him), as loves him and they built a life together. You being the OW, you can't let go of him and you're not married to him, so imagine how hard it is for her. She isn't just gonna hand him over to you.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Well its no news to report really.

 

She has not called, not that I expected her to right away. One of the reasons I gave my phone number is so she can look up his phone records and see that number hundreds - probably thousands - of times, two three four times a day coming from his phone. So that would be a little bit of proof for her.

 

She already knew you were having an affair, or at least had enough reason to suspect it. You said others had confronted her about it, using your name as well. If she wanted to look, she'd have looked by now. Before the text even. I get concerned that you continue to imagine these fantastic reasons for why things haven't blown up as you apparently had hoped... The simplest explanation is often the most accurate... She's got the information she needed and has had it for awhile. She's not particularly motivated to act on it.

 

I was really busy at work so didn't think about it at all today. Phone turned off at work. Turned it on to hear message from MM saying "I love you". So I guess she hasn't confronted him yet.

 

At this point, it's probably safe to assume she won't. In fact, if her carrier is the same as mine, she may not even have gotten the text. Or if she had, she may have ignored it. Most people aren't willing to flush a 30+ year marriage with somebody because of an anonymous text especially if the text is telling her something she already suspected and has been told.

 

He has been successful so far in convincing her its just a "friendship". Coupled with the age difference, and our joint AA involvement, she's probably been satisfied with that, although I know from the questions she has asked she doesn't really believe it.

 

I don't think she knows actually what to do. There is the bias towards believing your spouse.

 

She does know what to do... And she's been doing it. In spite of being told and being suspicious of you and getting an anonymous text, she's decided to stick with her husband.

 

And I am not drinking and I am going to a different AA meeting.

 

That's good! Focus on your recovery, you'll get through this faster than you think.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[whichwayisup]

Practicing NC, or trying to. I have not spoken to him since Friday. My phone carrier does not having a blocking feature, which means he can still call and leave messages (like the one today).

 

He knew I was feeling unsatisfied Friday, but we did not fight and I did not tell him it was over. Just decided in my head.

 

Oops, I see you edited your post the same time I replied to your other reply.

 

Why did you not tell him? Honestly, is this because you can leave the door open for the A to continue if you change your mind and he won't ever have to know that you 'ended it' in your mind? Solo, make yourself accountable.

[Hope Shimmers]

solostand... I have followed this thread. I feel for you.

 

You are a relatively young, attractive woman yet you pursue a married man who is on his way to being elderly. Why do you do that? My thought is that it is lack of self-esteem on your part so that you feel you can compete with his wife, who is much older than you, and it seems clear that you love that others think you are so much younger and more attractive than his wife. This seems to be important to you.

 

You are addicted to drama. You have an addictive personality and as such, you are addicted to the drama of a relationship that you can't have and that results in endless drama and reasons for you to speculate about this or that and in all honesty - I think you KNOW he's not leaving his wife, down deep, and that is good for you. If he were to leave his W then the drama would end. You would just be living Real Life as we all do, and that's not what you are seeking. You are seeking the highs and lows of the relationship addiction drama and it's NOT love.

 

You are broken Solo, and you need to stop this and get help. You need to get out of this affair and stop obsessing about this couple and about him and her and just stop OBSESSING in general. Because that's what people with addictive personalities do... they obsess... they need something to obsess over and they need drama and dealing with everyday real life means they have to face their demons.

 

FACE YOUR DEMONS solo. Just take that challenge. Face them all on your own, without the MM to give you sex or compliments or without drama added on by what happens or doesn't happen with MM's wife and without compliments from strangers that boost your ego because you choose to put yourself beside a married man much older than you who is married and clearly isn't going to EVER put you first, even if his wife is not your age or as attractive as you.

 

Please - you don't need others to validate your ego. Do it for yourself.

[Hope Shimmers]

Have you considered that she never received the text? I have my phone set on contacts only, so that any texts that come in from people who are not in my contact list are blocked and not displayed.

 

Please admit why you told her. You did it because you wanted to change the outcome of what otherwise might not have been. I have been in that mindset in the past and I recognize it in your posts that follow.

 

You didn't do it to help her. You also didn't do it to end your affair with MM. You did it to push things forward since MM wasn't doing it. You did it to ultimately get her to leave him so he could be with you.

 

I am not trying to beat you up - I have been in that mindset although I didn't take the action. I just think you need to admit it. So many posters on this thread have said "Great! You're moving on!" I don't think you're moving on, not for a minute.

 

Take care solo. I hope you find yourself soon, because you are worth SO much more than this elderly married slimy lying jerk.

[Realist3]

 

Please admit why you told her. You did it because you wanted to change the outcome of what otherwise might not have been. I have been in that mindset in the past and I recognize it in your posts that follow.

 

You didn't do it to help her. You also didn't do it to end your affair with MM. You did it to push things forward since MM wasn't doing it. You did it to ultimately get her to leave him so he could be with you.

 

I am not trying to beat you up - I have been in that mindset although I didn't take the action. I just think you need to admit it. So many posters on this thread have said "Great! You're moving on!" I don't think you're moving on, not for a minute.

 

Take care solo. I hope you find yourself soon, because you are worth SO much more than this elderly married slimy lying jerk.

 

Without question. Anyone who has followed this sad tale can see it for what it is.

[bentleychic]

You did it because you wanted to change the outcome of what otherwise might not have been. I have been in that mindset in the past and I recognize it in your posts that follow.

 

If this is true, PLEASE don't have your heart set on that. I did not create our d-day, but I did have thoughts multiple times over the past two years that if a d-day happened, it would cause him to $&!* or get off the pot.

 

Well, d-day happened and it didn't. They had about a week long blow up and she's swept it under the rug and looked the other way ever since. They've been married way less time than your MM, too.

 

Not sharing the rest of my story here right now (other than that my part in the cake eating is ending ), but I just wanted to say to try to guard your heart and do not expect this to result in you ending up happily ever after with just you and MM.

[gettingstronger]

Well, d-day happened and it didn't. They had about a week long blow up and she's swept it under the rug and looked the other way ever since. They've been married way less time than your MM, too.

 

 

How do you know this for sure? After our dday, things looked normal from the outside- we had appointments to keep, parties we had already plan on attending, kids to raise-heck we even hosted a grad party for 300 within a few months-but inside our bedroom, things looked very different- hysterical bonding mixed with the most gut wrenching conversations were the norm-

 

I am happy to read you are no longer going to be part of the cake eating- and just like we have told solo- take care of you and guard your healing-

[goodyblue]

If this is true, PLEASE don't have your heart set on that. I did not create our d-day, but I did have thoughts multiple times over the past two years that if a d-day happened, it would cause him to $&!* or get off the pot.

 

Well, d-day happened and it didn't. They had about a week long blow up and she's swept it under the rug and looked the other way ever since. They've been married way less time than your MM, too.

 

Not sharing the rest of my story here right now (other than that my part in the cake eating is ending ), but I just wanted to say to try to guard your heart and do not expect this to result in you ending up happily ever after with just you and MM.

 

Really proud of you Bentley. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

[solostand]

I can't really explain why I did it. I did it on impulse when I was having negative thoughts of MM. I did think it would end the affair, and yes, because I haven't been able to muster up the courage to just say its over.

 

After I did it, I was quite upset and agitated and regretted it almost immediately.

 

Many posters here are correct about how I am addicted to the affair and MM is equally addicted.

 

And yes, I guess I did want to push things to an outcome - any outcome.

 

Lots of posters have been guessing what my issues are. I've been in IC and I know what my issues are: daddy issues. I was always trying to get my emotionally unavailable father to LOVE ME and walked on eggshells. When he got MAD he got REALLY MAD. So I'm still trying to gain the approval of my father - only through this older MM. Its very clear to me. That's why I am so conflict avoidant in the relationship, and in life in general.

 

Anyway, I am keeping myself really busy and doing a lot of self reflecting, making art on the side as well as my regular job, just to not obsess. Because I have an obsessive personality I need to find something else to obsess about.

 

As to my competition with the wife: well, I don't know what to say about that. I know I'll never win, that's for sure. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes. I think of my mother, how devastated she would have been if my father had an affair. So far, I am unable to have a LOT of empathy for her and this is part of the problem. She is not my enemy. She is 17 years older than I am - so I try to think of people that age - - - how they would react.

 

Still NC. Its hard and sometimes I just panic and want SOOOOOOOOOO bad to call him. I treat it like drinking though - one day at a time - the feeling will go away.

[Lovebug66]

Still NC. Its hard and sometimes I just panic and want SOOOOOOOOOO bad to call him. I treat it like drinking though - one day at a time - the feeling will go away.

 

There was a lot I could comment on in your post, but this stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

 

You've been in AA long enough to know what you are describing is "white knuckling" it, and how often have you seen that work? Not only with yourself, but others? The feeling doesn't just go away, it's stuffed down until there is no more room to stuff and you drink. "We aren't fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation, we feel as tho we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected." I know you know how to get there too.

 

I think it's a great comparison - so are you going to actually do something about it? You are setting yourself up for failure and I know you know that. Hey, if you aren't at bottom yet that's not for me to judge, but I do think you need to get honest with yourself. Saying you are done or taking small actions when you really don't want to follow thru is just ruining your self worth and esteem. Just like buying that next drink after you swore it off killed you a little more inside. Think about it. Still praying for you.

[whichwayisup]

I really hope you get the courage to actually say the words "It's over, don't ever contact me again" to him. Your A right now is on hold and you've given yourself permission to continue the A if you change your mind. No harm done as you will tell him you just needed space.

 

Until you sort yourself out with counseling, (good for you for going) and work on your issues, continue being clean and sober (find a good sponsor) and get used to NO drama in your life (you don't need it, it's a poison to you just like booze) you'll get stronger and won't feel you need MM in your life.

 

Do your best to stop obsessing daily about MM and his wife. It is what it is, you have absolutely no control over their life and marriage, so just focus on fixing you and doing counseling.

[bentleychic]

Well, d-day happened and it didn't. They had about a week long blow up and she's swept it under the rug and looked the other way ever since. They've been married way less time than your MM, too.

 

 

How do you know this for sure? After our dday, things looked normal from the outside- we had appointments to keep, parties we had already plan on attending, kids to raise-heck we even hosted a grad party for 300 within a few months-but inside our bedroom, things looked very different- hysterical bonding mixed with the most gut wrenching conversations were the norm-

 

I am happy to read you are no longer going to be part of the cake eating- and just like we have told solo- take care of you and guard your healing-

 

I only know what he told me of course.

 

We still talk at the moment and I'm not sure I'll ever go completely NC with him (and I admit I still love him, but the resentment of what's happened is making that feeling weaker and weaker), but I have a date with a FABULOUS guy next weekend who has already opened up his entire world to me. It's quite a change to have a guy say "Hey, here's all of my info, please google me, please friend me on facebook. I want you to know I'm legit and who I say I am. When can I see you? Contact me any time, even if it's the middle of the night because you can't sleep."

Edited October 1, 2014 by bentleychic

[Donesharing]

I can't really explain why I did it. I did it on impulse when I was having negative thoughts of MM. I did think it would end the affair, and yes, because I haven't been able to muster up the courage to just say its over.

 

After I did it, I was quite upset and agitated and regretted it almost immediately.

 

Many posters here are correct about how I am addicted to the affair and MM is equally addicted.

 

And yes, I guess I did want to push things to an outcome - any outcome.

Lots of posters have been guessing what my issues are. I've been in IC and I know what my issues are: daddy issues. I was always trying to get my emotionally unavailable father to LOVE ME and walked on eggshells. When he got MAD he got REALLY MAD. So I'm still trying to gain the approval of my father - only through this older MM. Its very clear to me. That's why I am so conflict avoidant in the relationship, and in life in general.

 

Anyway, I am keeping myself really busy and doing a lot of self reflecting, making art on the side as well as my regular job, just to not obsess. Because I have an obsessive personality I need to find something else to obsess about.

 

As to my competition with the wife: well, I don't know what to say about that. I know I'll never win, that's for sure. I try so hard to put myself in her shoes. I think of my mother, how devastated she would have been if my father had an affair. So far, I am unable to have a LOT of empathy for her and this is part of the problem. She is not my enemy. She is 17 years older than I am - so I try to think of people that age - - - how they would react.

 

Still NC. Its hard and sometimes I just panic and want SOOOOOOOOOO bad to call him. I treat it like drinking though - one day at a time - the feeling will go away.

 

I totally understand the way you did it. I did the same thing. I just wanted off the train. I would rather be done with him, then continue the way it was. Of course I wished he would have just left her and fulfilled all the promises he made me. But, he didn't so now I know that I was never as important to him as he said I was. That is really hard to face. But, again, better than being the OW. You are doing a great job solo. I am new here, but I can relate to your posts and your situation.

[solostand]

I've been doing really well at not obsessing today and yesterday. I've been instead obsessing about something else - creating art. I have sold a whole lot of pieces lately and have orders for Christmas, which makes me really happy.

 

I have also been going to non-MM AA meetings - I know he won't be there (he only goes to one - the one that we used to cover our affair). I've been opening up and feeling good.

 

I have Daddy issues - he has Mommy issues. We are a toxic pair.

 

I also keep reminding myself of two AA members. One was an alcohol counselor, the woman was an AA member. They had an affair. They started drinking together. He is dead now. Died from alcoholism. She is still drinking. I keep thinking that could be us.

 

LS, though I sometimes HATE to hear it, is really helping me.

 

I remember when the affair first started. Three months in he told me he was going to leave (limerance). I actually believed him, because I was naive and maybe a little stupid. Then he told me that he couldn't leave, she controlled the money, it would hurt too many people, it just wasn't HIM. He did not do things like that (ha ha).

 

I stupidly accepted that but secretly believed I could change his mind if I was just the sweet, loveable girlfriend.

 

Since then, he has waffled about leaving - he is, he isn't. Blah blah blah. When he's emotional with me, he wants to leave. But then he has all this history, two adult children and a grandchild, plus a wife who actually loves him, so of course the cards are totally against me. . .

 

He told me if his wife found out, she'd be on the phone to a divorce lawyer immediately. He also said she has threatened to leave him with nothing but his shoelaces.

 

It is all because my self-esteem has had a beating. I'm not even one of those women who NEED to be in a relationship - this one has just been an addiction for both of us.

 

 

I also think about the horrible things he has said about his wife. Passive aggressive to the worst degree. So I know if he got caught he would say similar things about me. He probably already has.

[goodyblue]

I've been doing really well at not obsessing today and yesterday. I've been instead obsessing about something else - creating art. I have sold a whole lot of pieces lately and have orders for Christmas, which makes me really happy.

 

I have also been going to non-MM AA meetings - I know he won't be there (he only goes to one - the one that we used to cover our affair). I've been opening up and feeling good.

 

I have Daddy issues - he has Mommy issues. We are a toxic pair.

 

I also keep reminding myself of two AA members. One was an alcohol counselor, the woman was an AA member. They had an affair. They started drinking together. He is dead now. Died from alcoholism. She is still drinking. I keep thinking that could be us.

 

LS, though I sometimes HATE to hear it, is really helping me.

 

I remember when the affair first started. Three months in he told me he was going to leave (limerance). I actually believed him, because I was naive and maybe a little stupid. Then he told me that he couldn't leave, she controlled the money, it would hurt too many people, it just wasn't HIM. He did not do things like that (ha ha).

 

I stupidly accepted that but secretly believed I could change his mind if I was just the sweet, loveable girlfriend.

 

Since then, he has waffled about leaving - he is, he isn't. Blah blah blah. When he's emotional with me, he wants to leave. But then he has all this history, two adult children and a grandchild, plus a wife who actually loves him, so of course the cards are totally against me. . .

 

He told me if his wife found out, she'd be on the phone to a divorce lawyer immediately. He also said she has threatened to leave him with nothing but his shoelaces.

 

It is all because my self-esteem has had a beating. I'm not even one of those women who NEED to be in a relationship - this one has just been an addiction for both of us.

 

 

I also think about the horrible things he has said about his wife. Passive aggressive to the worst degree. So I know if he got caught he would say similar things about me. He probably already has.

 

 

I am so proud of you. I think it is great that you have such insight. Hang in there and give yourself a pat on the back. X

[jellybean89]

Glad to hear about your art obsession! Much healthier for you!

 

Keep strong Solo. Just like AA, one day - one hour - at a time. YOU are the priority - mentally, physically and emotionally. So happy yo hear you are attending non MM AA meetings. Be proud of yourself. You can succeed!!

[Donesharing]

I've been doing really well at not obsessing today and yesterday. I've been instead obsessing about something else - creating art. I have sold a whole lot of pieces lately and have orders for Christmas, which makes me really happy.

 

I have also been going to non-MM AA meetings - I know he won't be there (he only goes to one - the one that we used to cover our affair). I've been opening up and feeling good.

 

I have Daddy issues - he has Mommy issues. We are a toxic pair.

 

I also keep reminding myself of two AA members. One was an alcohol counselor, the woman was an AA member. They had an affair. They started drinking together. He is dead now. Died from alcoholism. She is still drinking. I keep thinking that could be us.

 

LS, though I sometimes HATE to hear it, is really helping me.

 

I remember when the affair first started. Three months in he told me he was going to leave (limerance). I actually believed him, because I was naive and maybe a little stupid. Then he told me that he couldn't leave, she controlled the money, it would hurt too many people, it just wasn't HIM. He did not do things like that (ha ha).

 

I stupidly accepted that but secretly believed I could change his mind if I was just the sweet, loveable girlfriend.

 

Since then, he has waffled about leaving - he is, he isn't. Blah blah blah. When he's emotional with me, he wants to leave. But then he has all this history, two adult children and a grandchild, plus a wife who actually loves him, so of course the cards are totally against me. . .

 

He told me if his wife found out, she'd be on the phone to a divorce lawyer immediately. He also said she has threatened to leave him with nothing but his shoelaces.

 

It is all because my self-esteem has had a beating. I'm not even one of those women who NEED to be in a relationship - this one has just been an addiction for both of us.

 

 

I also think about the horrible things he has said about his wife. Passive aggressive to the worst degree. So I know if he got caught he would say similar things about me. He probably already has.

 

Great job! You are an inspiration!!

[solostand]

Lately I've been also remembering a few moments of clarity.

 

Once, I was looking at him across the room in an AA meeting (we were having an affair then but this was before we started sitting together and touching each other all the time). I remember thinking "he's just another man, nothing special, looks like ninety percent of the men here, older, what is wrong with me?"

 

I also remember my father saying to me, when I was totally obsessed with this guy years ago, "he's just another man. Nothing special about him."

 

Then, I remember what my friend said when she was home this summer. She was my best friend in high school. I told her "I'm in love."

 

She just looked at me and said: "You were in love last year (with a different man)." It was SO true. The year before I was all wrapped up with another guy, now I don't even think about him, let alone think I'm in love with him.

 

So the problem is ME. All this clarity is coming to me. I hope I have the strength to continue to act on it.

 

And thank-you posters for your kind words. Truly, if I hadn't found LS, I would still be walking along on this fake cloud.

[whichwayisup]

I also think about the horrible things he has said about his wife. Passive aggressive to the worst degree. So I know if he got caught he would say similar things about me. He probably already has.

 

I think so too. He is talking out both sides of his mouth. When he's with you, he's with you, but when he's with his wife, he's with her all the way.

 

No doubt he's gonna (if he hasn't already) thrown you under the bus.

 

He's a great liar and now is the time to stop believing everything he's told you.

 

Keep going to counseling and your AA meetings.

[BetrayedH]

I'm late to your update but just wanted to say...

 

Nice job. I might have prefered for it to be less anonymous (so he doesn't continue to gaslight her) but coupled with NC, you've taken some really great steps in the right direction.

 

And even while you may not have clearly communicated NC with him, it looks like you've kept NC for a good 5 days or so. That's a big accomplishment.

 

And other than your initial panicked regret after the text, your posts since sending the text sound healthier than any others I've read from you. That must feel good.

 

Good work, Solo. If she contacts you, I hope you'll have the courage to be straight-up honest with her. And keep up the NC - there's a better life out there for you than this messed-up situation but you gotta keep out of this situation so it can unfold.

 

Best of luck to you.

[gettingstronger]

Yeah for you Solo! Like all of us, you have some tough days ahead but your most recent post show so much clarity and hope. I am truly happy for you!

[cozycottagelg]

Thinking of you everyday. I hope today finds you well.

[solostand]

I'm doing ok. It helps that MM is gone away for two weeks to visit his daughter and grandson. This was a scheduled visit so I knew about it before NC.