Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[Zanyuki]

Moderation note: We broke out the discussion of individual experience with No Contact and/or the Guide to No Contact from guide content itself, so this posting is the start of that discussion. Members may find the Guide link here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

Hi,

 

I'm new here and I found this really helpful. I just started NC today since we broke up yesterday, and as you can imagine, this is all very fresh and very painful for me. I figured I'd feel better if I have a support group somewhere, anywhere, even online. My friends live too far from me to consider going out with them every night when loneliness strikes (too far in the sense that I wouldn't be able to go to work should I go the distance).

 

I'm confused about a lot of things because my girlfriend of 2 years (or ex in this case) wanted space but her space is just a euphemism for a break-up, since she doesn't know whether she'd come back or not. As you can probably see, she was the dumper, and though advice from people urged me to set some ground rules for this "space", she simply does not know and would instead be mad and confrontational and tell her about these simple what-do's and what-don'ts.

 

BTW she also tells me to move on and let her go.

 

What do I do? I know it's to NC, since I've had 3 break-ups before this and was successful in doing so, but not without its own heartache. I think this was the worst, because I don't know what's going on. I don't know if she's cheating, because she says she won't date anyone else for the meantime, but what does that mean exactly? I asked her that if I could date someone and said it's up to me - does this mean that, by inference, she'd rather not date but if it's totally up to her to date, since she says that it's okay for me to?

 

Thanks a lot for your help. Any comment is welcome.

Edited September 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Summerrose2013]

This right here is awesome. I have it saved to my desktop on a note just to remind me. I know it will come in handy when I do have the urge to break NC. But I'm 100% committed to keeping NC and figuring me out.

 

Thanks again. This truly is fantastic

 

Thanks for the awesome quote, I had missed it first time.

 

I've also saved it, and underneath is have written a list of things about the ex which annoyed me whilst we were together. It's important not to idealise a past relationship.

 

Found another way to help me maintain NC today too. I haven't deleted his number from my phone because I want to know it's him if he does contact me (we have shared family friends so there may be some practicality in the future where we have to communicate on a functional level.) I'm anyway more likely to email him, than text.

 

Anyway, my tip - open up an email or text from someone well boring, a mailbox that won't receive a reply (your phone, gas company etc etc). Then fire off that message to your hearts content. If you want to follow throught with the send button, who cares if they think you are mental, hopefully one of those no reply boxes anyway, LOL.

 

Then take a step back for however long you need (you know this - and I'm finding the sanity returning period is gettingn shorter every day for me), and think - what are the possible outcomes of sending this and how will they make YOU feel. not THEM, this is about YOU.

 

I realised that if he ignores me, I'll feel awful - back to day one.

He's think I'm still thinking about him - I am, but he does'nt need to know that that.

And then I realised that it sends him a much more POWERFUL message that I have walked away from him, if I send him NOTHING.

 

BINGO - lightbulb moment for me

 

Decided to treat myself as my reward, going to pay someone to wash and clean my car this weekend. She deserves a bit of love and attention. Like me, she's going to have an overhaul. She may be old but she's stuck by me.

[chris9210]

I can definitely see this working (I have started no contact and the pain does seem to be getting less each day) but I just wanted to touch on the part about birthdays. Obviously I know not to send her any kind of wish/gift on her birthday, and I won't, but does this change if you have kids? Like we would always buy gifts for each other that were "from the kids" (they are too young to go and buy their own etc) so I was wondering if it would still be acceptable to buy her a card or a gift from our children? I know I would hate to not receive anything for my birthday etc from our kids, and she would feel the same. So my question is, should I still get her a gift or at least a card and say its from them but still don't get her anything from me?

[FredJones80]

so I was wondering if it would still be acceptable to buy her a card or a gift from our children? I know I would hate to not receive anything for my birthday etc from our kids, and she would feel the same. So my question is, should I still get her a gift or at least a card and say its from them but still don't get her anything from me?

 

I think this is personal preference chris9210 and situation.

 

My partner had kids from a previous relationship and their father never did anything of that sort, so I took on that role and did it for her, now she has left me, obviously I won't be the one doing that, I don't expect the kids dad to do it now I've gone either.

 

I guess it depends if she is single or with someone new who should take on that role?

 

At the end of the day when the kids are so young the thought is for the receiving adult, if you're not with that adult then why should you have the thought?

[chris9210]

I think this is personal preference chris9210 and situation.

 

My partner had kids from a previous relationship and their father never did anything of that sort, so I took on that role and did it for her, now she has left me, obviously I won't be the one doing that, I don't expect the kids dad to do it now I've gone either.

 

I guess it depends if she is single or with someone new who should take on that role?

 

At the end of the day when the kids are so young the thought is for the receiving adult, if you're not with that adult then why should you have the thought?

 

Yea, I get what you're saying, the gifts aren't really from the kids, its basically me buying her something under the pretence of it being from them. She is with someone else (got with him before leaving me) but he has said he doesn't want to be a father figure to them, that he is only interested in her? (not sure how that is going to work but that's another story) so I don't imagine he will buy her anything off them. I just am thinking about it as if it was my birthday, I would like to receive something from my kids but then like I say, its not from them anyway so I think the rule of treating it like another day still applies. Thank you for your post, it helped me think of things in a different way.

[FredJones80]

but he has said he doesn't want to be a father figure to them, that he is only interested in her?

 

I certainly don't want to get your hopes up Chris9210 so please don't - but if your ex-partner/wife has any respect for her children this new relationship just won't work out.

 

I took someone else's kids under my wing and their father still saw them. It is basically impossible to live with someone in a relationship that has children from a previous relationship without taking some responsibility for them, it just isn't.

 

Its one of those, you accept me, you accept my kids. If he doesn't, I can't see it lasting long.

 

Again, don't get your hopes up.

 

I do know where you are coming from about the presents, its just when you do that, you do it for her, if she has left you then she has to accept that she loses your compassion for these situations also, she can't have it both ways.

[chris9210]

I certainly don't want to get your hopes up Chris9210 so please don't - but if your ex-partner/wife has any respect for her children this new relationship just won't work out.

 

I took someone else's kids under my wing and their father still saw them. It is basically impossible to live with someone in a relationship that has children from a previous relationship without taking some responsibility for them, it just isn't.

 

Its one of those, you accept me, you accept my kids. If he doesn't, I can't see it lasting long.

 

Again, don't get your hopes up.

 

I do know where you are coming from about the presents, its just when you do that, you do it for her, if she has left you then she has to accept that she loses your compassion for these situations also, she can't have it both ways.

 

Finally, someone who agrees with me! I thought I was going crazy because everyone I've spoken to has disagreed with my view, that if you're going to be involved with someone who has kids that aren't yours, you have to assume some kind of "father figure" role if its going to work, otherwise what happens if they move in together? Is he just going to ignore them? I won't be getting my hopes up, don't worry, nice that you thought of that before giving your opinion though! I'm not going to keep hoping their relationship fails as I believe this may come back to bite me, I will just let it run its course as I don't see it working of he isn't going to be involved in their lives. Although she did tell me that one of the kids (the youngest) is calling him daddy. Now she was angry at me when she said this so could it be that she just said that to hurt me? As they haven't been together long and she isn't the sort of person to introduce a love interest as "your new daddy" especially if the father is still around. Although she has changed since leaving so who knows!

[FredJones80]

Finally, someone who agrees with me! I thought I was going crazy because everyone I've spoken to has disagreed with my view, that if you're going to be involved with someone who has kids that aren't yours, you have to assume some kind of "father figure" role if its going to work, otherwise what happens if they move in together?

 

Yeah, I was never a father replacement because the kids had their dad, but you have to become something to them. Its just a impossibility to think otherwise.

 

My ex was pretty good though, she made it clear, you accept me, you accept my kids. I wasn't necessarily something I was overjoyed with but to be with the woman I loved I had to accept that.

 

Kids "get in the way" a lot of the time, when making plans, when plans go wrong, you aren't free to just do what you want all the time, if you don't accept that then how can a relationship work? I'm sure this new guy will get bored when their plans are scuppered or their weekends.

 

Lets hope anyway

[chris9210]

Yeah, I was never a father replacement because the kids had their dad, but you have to become something to them. Its just a impossibility to think otherwise.

 

My ex was pretty good though, she made it clear, you accept me, you accept my kids. I wasn't necessarily something I was overjoyed with but to be with the woman I loved I had to accept that.

 

Kids "get in the way" a lot of the time, when making plans, when plans go wrong, you aren't free to just do what you want all the time, if you don't accept that then how can a relationship work? I'm sure this new guy will get bored when their plans are scuppered or their weekends.

 

Lets hope anyway

 

Yea it would be nice for me if something like that happened, the kids in his eyes got in the way or something. Not much chance though I don't think because I have them at the weekend so they are free to spend all their time together while I'm looking after them, they even went away for a weekend together the other week and she asked me if I could have them an extra day because she had a "dentist appointment" but it turns out it was so she could go on this dirty weekend away with him, which made me feel a bit used, I know they're my kids but she only offers to let me have them extra if it benefits her. I hope what you say comes true, they they develop problems but I won't sit here and obsess over it because that would make me some kind of crazy stalker or something lol. Anyway thank you for your posts, I hope things work out for you too!

[MayaKey]

....the dumpee just starts it on her/his own? I'm sorry if that question has been asked already. I made my own decision just like my ex made his own by breaking up with zero warnings. I've been in a shock for two weeks......denial first....mixed feelings of love and hate at the same time.

Since I'm very logical person but naive and gullible as well I made a journal for myself how In handle NC and am making notes and charts about my moods and feelings day by day. It seems to work so far and I am proud of myself with every hour and day that goes by.

[anemptycup]

that was biblical. thank you.

[DownNtOut]

Yes, I think the things that remind you of your lost love are the hardest things of all. You cant control the kind of cars like theirs that go by, songs on the radio, places you went together...or hearing some good news and not having someone to share it with...or a joke that only you two would get. No contact, working out like crazy and finding a new hobby has got to help.

 

6 months NC

not healed but stronger

[littleplanet]

This is all great stuff.

Except for this: I had an ex wife one time with whom I maintained a great friendship. We had a child who we co-parented. (He's all grown up, now.) That was infinitely easier to do, maintaining that friendship (and mutual respect.) The bumps along the way were minimal. He grew up normal, natural, healthy.

 

I also have maintained a friendship with a high school ex - that goes back 40 years. It is one of the most powerful friendships of my life.

I also talk (two or three times a year) to my very first girlfriend - "the one who got away."

 

Beyond all this, I've had a happy love life.

How was this done? Learning how to let go. Not "dropping and forgetting."

Just......letting go, when that's what is necessary to do.

 

I don't think I would have wanted to live a life, not learning how to do that.

How is this done? The usual way. Did I do this with every single ex? Of course not. It depends on the mix. (I've employed your methods from time to time.....but it's been a while since that was necessary.) Good advice, when needed.

But a baby doesn't always need to be thrown out with the bathwater........

Edited May 15, 2014 by littleplanet

[jbelle6]

This is all great stuff.

Except for this: I had an ex wife one time with whom I maintained a great friendship. We had a child who we co-parented. (He's all grown up, now.) That was infinitely easier to do, maintaining that friendship (and mutual respect.) The bumps along the way were minimal. He grew up normal, natural, healthy.

 

I also have maintained a friendship with a high school ex - that goes back 40 years. It is one of the most powerful friendships of my life.

I also talk (two or three times a year) to my very first girlfriend - "the one who got away."

 

Beyond all this, I've had a happy love life.

How was this done? Learning how to let go. Not "dropping and forgetting."

Just......letting go, when that's what is necessary to do.

 

I don't think I would have wanted to live a life, not learning how to do that.

How is this done? The usual way. Did I do this with every single ex? Of course not. It depends on the mix. (I've employed your methods from time to time.....but it's been a while since that was necessary.) Good advice, when needed.

But a baby doesn't always need to be thrown out with the bathwater........

 

 

 

Sure, some instances are different. I'm best friends with my ex husband which is fantastic for our son, he sees both of us every day and there is no arguing/drama. The reason we are friends though is that we were pretty much just room mates by the time things ended and our feelings were neutral/equal, no one was still in love the other. We had the unicorn "mutual" breakup lol. I think if one person is still in love it won't work.

[littleplanet]

I agree - when feelings are neutral, it makes a big difference. That often leads to a breakup that is far more mutually agreed upon. Not the quick dump.

Now that I think on it.....I never did experience a 'dump' (either side) that wasn't short term - a few months. So the damage was minimal.

(except for that "first cut is the deepest" - but I was a kid then, really.)

 

One thing I would heartily agree upon though, for sure: Anything in the unrequitement category - avoid like a plague. Because it is totally toxic.

But here's the thing. I must admit - when I was the unrequited one, that was so much easier to arrive at, and maintain.

Yet two of my most powerful friendships (going back decades) were both unrequited on the other side. I guess I would put them both in the category - that the friendship ultimately became more important than the unrequitement.

But what does that really mean? Perhaps - that it was easier for those two to get over their unrequitement........than it was for me to get over mine.

 

But then....no unrequitement is in the same category as a full-blown relationship. There are no promises or commitments.

 

But here's the thing: If one is still in love, then of course there's a lot of pain.

NC is for the purpose of minimizing that pain - until the day arrives when it isn't there anymore (for the purpose of moving on.) Is that not the same thing as letting go? Or......has one really learned how to let go?

The processes that strengthen one through life's experiences. Rising above what makes us feel weak.

(emptying out the suitcases and putting stuff away in drawers and back in the attic).......reduced baggage. Travelin' light. (freedom?)

[JoeFallkon]

After nc for a while this biotch messages my friend asks him.if I was ok. She left and she was afraid Id kill myself. Last 2 weeks she would text just a hi at 4am and added me on google+ at 6am. Last week she said hi Mon. Tuesday And tried addin me on fb at 2 am afte r she blocked me. Then.she contacted my fnd askin if I was ok...she was affraid I'd kill myself. Why? She never admits she misses me. Obviously the late night's she texted me but no.. she always has her pride win And put me down.

But I'm still gonna.ignore her. Hope I can.het some good advice from here. Cuz I do want her back.

[tavares4pres1]

I was told this "I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

and then the next day she was like never mind.

[considerthis]

Has anyone ever considered that everyone preaches NC from experience, but almost no one has been able to pull it off from the start of the break up?

 

Don't you think that those first days/weeks/months of pleading/trying/staying in contact are actually just part of the human process of breaking up?

 

If we didn't at least try one time wouldn't the regret eat as us more than the fact that we sacrificed our dignity on an occasion or two?

 

Isn't it better to look back and know that we put all our cards on the table than wondering what if I had just apologized/explained/tried one more time?

 

Hindsight is 20/20. Just food for thought.

[johnsonracer]

should i say this and go nc or just go nc?

 

im done playing your games, and gettin disrespected by you and me lettin you walk all over me with all your mistakes and how you would talk about other guys in front of me.. for over a year i put up with it but no more.

 

congrats on losing the best thing that happened to you

[Madtraveler]

I wish I would have seen this list about four months ago. In my break-up I have basically done the opposite of just about everything that's on this list. I did and still do want to remain friends but ultimately it's only hurting the both of us I think.

Edited June 8, 2014 by Madtraveler

[Alexjones1]

Yeah, I was never a father replacement because the kids had their dad, but you have to become something to them. Its just a impossibility to think otherwise.

 

My ex was pretty good though, she made it clear, you accept me, you accept my kids. I wasn't necessarily something I was overjoyed with but to be with the woman I loved I had to accept that.

 

Kids "get in the way" a lot of the time, when making plans, when plans go wrong, you aren't free to just do what you want all the time, if you don't accept that then how can a relationship work? I'm sure this new guy will get bored when their plans are scuppered or their weekends.

 

Lets hope anyway

 

 

I agree with the kids and father like person.

 

My ex has a 10 yr old son and I have two of my own. His dad is around but mostly just wants time with them when their playing travel hockey.

 

I spent tons of time teaching this boy many new things in life and just being there for him.

 

Last thing I taught him was the last day I saw my ex about a month ago.

 

He was so pumped to learn to throw a curve ball.

 

So I know I helped give him some memories! My ex still wont contact me back to get the engagement ring, off joint accounts, and get my stuff back.

 

I have been respectful of her wishes to give her space, but I am also letting her go. She now wont do the same with me as it seems.

 

Who knows man, but I absolutely agree you must assume some sort of a father figure, but you are never the one who does discipline, mom is and you help reenforce it.

 

That's my two cents

[triniechu]

I wanted to say thanks for this! I broke NC twice since we broke up a week and a half ago. The last time I contacted him was about 4 days ago, I will go strong with the NC this time around.

[SoThatHappened]

Still stinging after being lied to and manipulated, but have been sticking with LC for a week and NC for only a couple days. She keeps texting and even sent an email. I know I'm going to hear from her again (just how she works), and I want a little revenge. She really screwed me over.

 

So, would responding to a breadcrumb text or email (from her asking how I'm doing and apologizing) with the statement below be wise?:

 

"I'm doing better than I have in years. Please don't contact me anymore."

 

She hurt me when I gave everything. I've taken the complete high road with her, but want to let her have it bad. Maybe it's just the angry phase on my end. I don't want to hurt her or get back, but just want her to regret it bad.

 

I know... I know... no contact. I blocked her number and don't have social media accounts, but she still sneaks emails and texts in.

 

Ugh I just don't want to care but want her to hurt as bad as I did...

[Familia]

Awesome thread, although its Friday night and I darn messaged her after a bit over a week of resisting no contact, no response and feeling ****ty about myself

[David87]

Awesome thread, although its Friday night and I darn messaged her after a bit over a week of resisting no contact, no response and feeling ****ty about myself

 

You messaged her after reading this thread ? Why ?