Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[OneBigIdgit]

Id say don't break NC. Your ex knows how to find you if he/she is interested in talking. At that point, you can decide whether it is worth replying

[imbax]

ok good idea guys. I am turning to this forum when the times get rough in my own head. Thank you for the mental support in this battle against myself.

 

I realised if she really did care or miss me, she would at least text me. But I have so far gotten ZERO from her. So sad but I guess it forces you to be realistic and move on.

 

Sometimes I still can't believe I am single....after everything we have ever been through, all gone in a matter of minutes with no warnings. One moment you are talking to them telling them you love them, the next, dead silence.

[bluealone]

NC for two months already but my heart is still so painful. He is probably at his happiest time with his new gf but I feel so alone and sad. Please give me strength to stay strong..plz...

[Tone Loc]

NC for two months already but my heart is still so painful. He is probably at his happiest time with his new gf but I feel so alone and sad. Please give me strength to stay strong..plz...

 

You should be proud of yourself, you're doing great. It takes a heck of a lot of guts and strength to go through 2 solid months of NC, you should be very happy with that. It's a display of strong character. It's perfectly normal to still be in pain and feeling sad and lonely, but it will get better, that's a fact. But it will take time, it won't happen after just two months. When it happens, trust me when I say that you will come out at the other side a much better, much stronger person. Don't worry yourself about what's happening in his life, he's nothing but a stranger to you now. Please make sure you keep up with strict no contact, it's the only way forward. And as one of my favourite singers says, "there ain't no way but the hard way". It's not easy but it's the way forward. Keep up with what you're doing. Turn to your closest friends and family to support you and help you through the tough times. Indulge yourself in the things that give you happiness. For me, I find music helps so much. For others, it can be food, sport, television, being social and interacting with people, immersing themselves in their work, etc...do whatever works for you. Please don't let this ex ruin your life, he's not worth it. You're in charge of your life, don't let an ex prevent you from enjoying your life.

[mossycup]

I've actually noticed that NC is very workable for me. I find that when I get dumped (as has happened more than once) I literally NEVER want to speak to the person unless the first words out of their mouth are: I made a mistake. Then I'd talk (if I also wanted to get back with them, which is not always the case). But generally speaking I feel absolutely repelled at the thought of speaking to the person. I feel like I can't remotely give them even the slightest feeling of any power over me, which I feel would happen if they knew even remotely what I was feeling or thinking. I even bar my friends from telling my ex how I am, and I don't post anything on social media that is remotely person for about a month or so. I feel like if a person dumped me, they took away all my choice and control, but the one thing I do have control over is my own actions and privacy. So I take what litle control I can and it gives me some stability. Of course it is also very healing and helpful in moving on.

 

That being said I am very empathetic for those people who wish to call and struggle with it. I feel grateful that I have this quirk in my personality so that at least on top of all my suffering I don't have the suffering of wanting to call. Maybe others can find it helpful to think of NC as I do - a way to feel safe and strong.

[bluealone]

Today, I am awake at 2 am, stalking his fb. I tried to be busy with work and activities. But when the night comes, it's soo hard to keep him out of my mind. I am still crying again and again. I am tired and I hate myself for being like that when he is already happily with someone else. How come no one love me?

[imbax]

I do the occasional stalk via a private web browser as I have blocked her from Facebook. I also stalked her YouTube channel that she has no idea that I know about. Found out she is watching heaps of relationship advice / humour videos. Makes me wonder what she is thinking sometimes. Obviously not getting back with me as she would have contacted me by now. So sad.

[OneBigIdgit]

My story is lost in the jungle of pages of heartbroken and confused. My ex thought I didn't care about her so she broke up in mid-Jan. She found a new man about 3 days later from a web site. She went on a date, moved 300+ miles to be near him about a week later, engaged within 20 days, married about 80 days after meeting him.

 

 

I didn't know about no contact but I was pretty much doing it until I saw her announce her engagement. I contacted her 2 days later to congratulate her. That was our first contact after the breakup about 25 days earlier. From the morning of texting to congratulate her, I went total no contact and made it to about 80-90 days. She contacted me a few days ago.

 

 

I received a text from a number that I didn't know. I gave a 1 word reply. I received another text. I gave a 1 word reply. The 3rd text asked, What happened to us? That is when I realized who was texting me.

 

 

We went on to text pretty much all day. We cleared the air on what happened and why much of it happened. I knew there was at least one person telling her mother that I'd never marry her. Since I didn't give her a quick marriage, her mother advised her that the person must be correct and that she needs to dump me. She did. Much to her moms surprise, she found a guy on a dating site, went 300+ miles to meet him for a date, moved into his area 10 days later, got engaged within 25 days, and married about 80 days after meeting him.

 

 

Through the texting, she told me that she loves me, finds it tough to be married to him when all she can think about is here. Doesn't feel comfortable there, doesn't really like her husband. She said she might have been a little hasty in breaking up. She asked what my family would think if we got back together. That was all said the 1st day we texted.

 

 

The 2nd day we texted, she talked much about coming back. She told me that she felt like she had died when she unfriended me on facebook and that she loves me and doesn't care for him nor feels comfortable.

 

 

The 3rd day she changed her mind and while all she said is true, she said she can't walk out on the new family that she is married into. She said she has already hurt mine and hers by doing this, and if she divorces him it will add a 3rd family to the walking wounded.

 

 

She then told me that she is never going to contact me again because it hurts too much. She has been solid in not contacting me......however,

 

 

She texted both of my kids a week later explaining that she is sorry that it didn't work out between us. She said she can't explain nor understand how it happened.

 

 

She is a very unhappy, confused person.

 

 

Stick to no contact,,,,,,,,,it can get real interesting

[Woon]

3 and a half weeks post BU and only day 2 of NC

The days i manage not to contact her, she ends up contacting me the night. Part of me wishes she wouldnt. I cant block her, seeing as most of my furniture is still by her. Just going to take it day by day.

[TaraMaiden2]

3 and a half weeks post BU and only day 2 of NC

The days i manage not to contact her, she ends up contacting me the night. Part of me wishes she wouldnt.

It should be a determination to NOT RESPOND. She can't break No Contact if you do not reply to her....

 

I cant block her,

Yes you can. Work through an intermediary.

 

seeing as most of my furniture is still by her.

Arrange to ship it out and put it into storage.

 

Just going to take it day by day.

 

As does everyone else.

But you need to implement strategies to make your healing more effective.

[Calidude6]

So why is NC the best way to go? How come letting your ex know you miss them after doing NC for quite some time a bad thing? If you want something, show fight but for others, it makes you look weak?

 

I'm in the process of juggling to keep NC or tell her how I still feel or just even remind her of a time we had to remember a good memory of us. Life will still keep moving on even if I say something regardless what she says back.

 

So idk what to do, I want to say something but then I don't because I rather have her be the first to talk to me.

[RileyPayne]

On day 8 of NC and I feel like the pain is numbing. Although, I can't get the thought out of my head that she has replaced me and I'm nothing to her anymore. I'd still accept her back if she turned around to me and said so, but I highly doubt the text/call will ever come through.

 

Find myself dwelling a lot as well on my past mistakes that resulted in our break-up and subsequently, me not accepting her back, before realising my mistake and wanting our relationship again, only to be told no.

 

Feels as if she just doesn't care about me anymore, but yeah, day 8 of NC. I got the urge to drive past her house today, it's near where I go to get my haircut but I told myself it wouldn't be good for me and decided not to.

[Speirling]

Day 8 of NC (LC truly because I'm still on the lease, need to get the rest of my stuff and we work together) and he messages, apologising for the late notice (Saturday lunchtime) but he's off to his parents for the rest of the weekend, back Sunday night if I want to visit the flat. He hopes I'm ok, x....

Oh, and if I do visit, he moved the room around, it looks ***** but he "had to do it"

And there are some bits of mine on one of the dressers

But there's no rush because everything of his fits in drawers

 

I'm not replying. I have plans this weekend with friends so I can't go even though I want to get my stuff back asap to avoid this pretext for contact carrying on. I really want to reply. I want to psychoanalyse. I'm scared if I don't it'll annoy him and allow him to ignore any second thoughts he's having. But I'm not replying.

 

S

[mossycup]

My only form of contact is to see when he is online on Facebook, or to see his name. I blocked him from my newsfeed and never check his page. I never talk to him, text or email. Nothing but for when I see the little green light and know we are on at the same time.

 

It's been 9 weeks. I miss him so much, and sometimes I just hope he will come back, other times I just feel the horrible feelings of his having left me. I try to distract myself and it's working better and better as time passes. Tonight, out with friends, having fun, posting the pics on facebook, maybe he seems them, maybe not, it doesn't matter.

 

I see the little green light, I know he is online, and then I think, it's been 9 weeks, and he hasn't come back. That little green light doesn't mean anything, really. He might be at the other end of it but he's not reaching out to me.

 

That's when I realized, I think it will take me a long, slow, painful time, but I will get over him. I think this is the first day I've had that thought. Up to this point it's always been impossible to imagine or process the loss.

 

So there's that. And now I don't even want to look for the little green light so much. At least for today.

[finalendeavor]

I don't think I've ever handled a breakup better.

 

A guy who I had been seeing for a while as a LDR recently dumped me over text / Facebook in a very open-ended, terrible way. I posted a thread about it if anyone is curious on the details.

 

Short story short, I have only contacted him once since our final conversation, one week later, just to check in with him and see how he was doing. I got ignored. Its been three total weeks, and I've not contacted him at all other than that one time. I've not even looked at his social media sites; I have no idea what is going on in his life.

 

I'm so proud of myself. I have never been able to cut contact like that. It kills me that he hasn't tried to reach out at all after how our last conversation went, but I take so much comfort in the fact that I've really maintained my dignity. I took the breakup well, telling him that I disagreed but that I understood and would respect his feelings, despite the fact that they were rather vague.

 

I feel like how you handle a breakup in its initial stage is so key to how you'll be able to cope with NC in the long term. Even though he didn't give me closure, I gave myself closure by telling him how I felt. It's comforting to know that the ball in his court, and whether or not he decides to deflate it or do something with it is entirely his decision. I have no more words for him.

[candie13]

ok, guys, question:

 

I've disappeared from m ex bf's life when he told me he's iffy about "marriage", 5 months into the RS and after confirming that he does want a serious, exclusive RS, children included. He knew since the very beginning I am pro marriage, as you may imagine, that talk was a full blow to me.

 

So I've done everything by the book, after the sudden break up, we've exchanged a few emails the next day - I understood he was not at all involved emotionally. Tough pill to swallow, but knowing is better than not knowing. I stopped all personal contact with him after that - deleted him and his friends from fb, whatapp etc. HE was owing me some cash for the future trips we had planned and was in contact with his best friend for it - via text. In the end, i decided not to meet her at all, gave her my bank account details and just mailed him his stuff- 4 days later.

 

I've vanished after that and 64 days passed by. A few days ago I also blocked him on my fb - just the thought of his being able to find me and lurk around my profile picture was giving me the jiffies.

 

Here comes my question: I was at a music festival yesterday. And out of 6 days and a total of 240,000 visitors in total, I saw his best friend with her girlfriend. I think they saw me too, so I decided to go and say hi. It was a bit weird, they were not exactly happy to see me, but they did notice I was a bit embarrassed and made a few jokes and cleared the air - which I totally appreciated. Thing is, it sucked to confront them, but I am glad I did. I don't want to go hiding. I have nothing to hide and I don't want to act like a crazy person either. We broke up since over 2 months ago, I guess I do prefer to play it cool. FYI: previously, when I was dating my ex, I had invited them - together with my ex - to a nice weekend, at a chalet, so it's not just some people I knew. Confronting them was tough... but it gave me a sense of closure. Like it's over over. My hands were shakin' for the next 10 min, but was fine, after that.

question no 1: did I break NC? I didn't ask anything about my ex. Not how he was, nothing. I was civil and polite, short, funny and then I bailed out of there.

 

question no 2: my ex knows that I absolutely am crazy about this music festival and tomorrow there are my absolute favorite bands. I don't think he will be there, but in case I do spot him there, what do I do? I think, deep down inside, I do want to confront him. Be cool, say hi and bye and disappear. I do not intend to say "you lying bastard, you led me on for 5 months, you didn't even care for me, I hope you die in pain and burn in hell".

 

Basically, I don't want to make him into something I am running away from. I am simply actively choosing to reject him. I will acknowledge his presence, be sweet and cold, but not run away. I hate avoidance.

 

The irony is we were supposed to go on holiday in exactly 5 days - I cannot cancel the flight tickets. Anyways, such is life.

 

so thoughts ?

Edited July 21, 2015 by candie13

[Mathematics]

I sent my ex holiday money with no message. Did I break no contact? If she contacts me to say "thanks" have I broken NC?

[TaraMaiden2]

No.

 

No (providing you do NOT reply.)

[Mathematics]

No.

 

No (providing you do NOT reply.)

 

I replied and now we are arguing about it. However, I am not too worried a slls I has a fun date with another girl tonight

[TaraMaiden2]

I replied and now we are arguing about it. However, I am not too worried a slls I has a fun date with another girl tonight

 

Don't play games with your ex, though.

It will backfire on you.

Quit now, while you're ahead.

[Mathematics]

Don't play games with your ex, though.

It will backfire on you.

Quit now, while you're ahead.

 

What game am I playing?

[TaraMaiden2]

Breaking NC and now arguing.... That's messing about.

Either do it, or don't, but now it's broken, go back: Day one.

 

And stay there.

[Mathematics]

Breaking NC and now arguing.... That's messing about.

Either do it, or don't, but now it's broken, go back: Day one.

 

And stay there.

 

I see. She contacted me after seeing her account to which I said "I know what you said but I said id send it -treat your parents to dinner or something". We will go NC now. (again). Its not a full blown raging argument or anything. We are on good terms.

[Xiomn]

I don't think my ex will ever contact me again to be honest. I've given up, I tried everything and just don't seem to give a crap anymore. I've finally decided that if she wants to reconcile in the future it is up to her to contact me because I've said and done everything there needs to be said and done.

 

And when I say everything I damn well mean it, unless you've proposed to your ex out of desperation then you ain't gone to the depths I went to haha. I actually think it's funny looking back on it because it was stupid. Not because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with her but because I should have listened to her.

 

I did it all, I begged, pleaded and tried to persuade her endlessly on the day of our breakup. She wanted time and space to focus on herself etc etc, you can read my other threads for more details. My begging and pleading annoyed her so much she blocked me off Facebook. I initiated NC for a mere 1 week before giving in and contacting her again. We got talking as friends despite her only telling me a week before not to ever contact her again. (obviously her anger towards me had cooled down by then) I finally got her to agree to meet up with me despite in the past refusing to do so and making all sorts of excuses up not to.

 

She told me to not bring up "us" or the breakup when we met up, we were just meeting up as friends. I refused to listen to her again and that's when I proposed to her. She didn't say no, but she threatened to walk away as I got down on one knee so it was clear nonetheless, she told me that I honestly didn't expect her to say yes, part of me didn't expect her to say yes, but I wanted to show just how much I love her nonetheless.

 

Anyway that was the last straw for her, she said she couldn't trust me anymore to respect her wishes for space and blatantly told me she doesn't love me anymore on that basis. She said we can't be friends because it wouldn't work, she was right. She said we shouldn't keep in contact anymore and so we said our final goodbyes.

 

Now in DAY 2 of No contact. Still hope one day she will contact me, but I know for the long foreseeable future that is not going to happen, so I'm moving on and forgetting about her.

[Gus Grimly]

Now in DAY 2 of No contact. Still hope one day she will contact me, but I know for the long foreseeable future that is not going to happen, so I'm moving on and forgetting about her.

 

Good for you. Stay strong, you're in for some rough times but you'll endure. You can do it!