Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[Xiomn]

Good for you. Stay strong, you're in for some rough times but you'll endure. You can do it!

 

Stop stalking me! :laugh: jk. How are you coping?

[Gus Grimly]

Stop stalking me! :laugh: jk. How are you coping?

 

Hehehe, I'm all over this mofo!

 

One day at a time. The first week was hell though, glad that's over with *whew*. I was a train wreak.

[ben derisgrate]

hey, y'all. I'm new here. I've read this thread and it's great. my situation might be slightly different but I could use all the help i can get if you have the time. i moved away for ultimate no contact, but the contact is there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/539321-i-moved-central-america-hope-there-both-us-but-not-ing-either-us

[Xiomn]

It's only been just over 2 weeks since she broke up with me, but I'm feeling relatively fine to be honest. I still think about her a lot but it's not in the sense of being depressed at the same time. I think the basic fact that before she broke up with me we already by that point hadn't seen each other face to face for over 3 weeks. That doesn't sound like a long time at all but in my situation I lived with her so I saw her every single day pretty much for 10 months straight and I was massively dependent on her since I'm not a very social person and don't have many friends.

 

Overall I went just over 5 weeks before seeing her face to face again, (the last time I saw her was June 11, she broke up with me July 6 and I first saw her face to face again July 20) So basically before she broke up with me I already by that point was transitioning into being comfortable not having her in my life as much (at least not face to face) So going NC and not having her in my life at the moment doesn't feel all that different.

 

Another reason I'm feeling relatively fine at the moment is because honestly, this time last year I was sitting in my room, I had just finished my first year at university, went out clubbing a lot over the year but at the end of the year I was thinking to myself, I'm still a virgin, I've not been in a relationship yet in my entire life or met anyone special. At the time I was scared and depressed that I would graduate from university 2 years later still a virgin and still never having been in a relationship. 1 year later, now, I can happily say I'm not a virgin anymore and I've been in a very happy 10 month relationship with someone. I feel like I have accomplished a lot over the past year.

 

And finally the other reason I'm feeling relatively fine is because I feel like I've said everything there was needed to be said. That last and final letter I sent to my ex a few days ago has made me find inner peace within myself. I made sure that I would get closure from the letter by asking my ex to just drop me a message to tell me they have read it, which she did. I have found inner peace in myself knowing that and knowing she knows how I feel. I also feel like I have tried everything possible to try and save the relationship (true, it included a ton of begging and a lot of desperate acts) but I know now there was not much else I could have done, basically i begged to the point whereby I just got up and accepted the plain and simple fact she would not change her mind.

 

Usually the only time I feel bad now is mornings, but the quicker I get out of bed the quicker I revert back to feeling fine again.

[Xiomn]

Finding it seriously hard to fight the urge to nosey on my ex on Facebook and the worst part is I know nothing good will come from it and I'll just end up torturing myself if I do it. Part of me actually wants myself to find out whether she is getting with someone else, just so I can sit back and give myself the satisfaction of saying to myself "You're such a liar, you told me when you broke up with me, you made it absolutely clear as possible and were very very adamant that you were not leaving me for anyone else and had no intention of getting with anyone else in the future because you just want to be alone, single and just be friends with everyone."

 

I've already found out she lied about one thing that she said to me just 6 days after she broke up with me. It's almost like i want her to give me reasons to move on, reasons for me to lose respect for her for not living up to what she said, but at the same time I know it will push me back to square one, if not worse If I did find out she got with someone.

 

Sure, I could block her on Facebook to fight these urges, which I have done, but that doesn't stop me from going to even creepier desperate lengths, If I really got desperate I could potentially create a fake account if I really wanted to, so in a way blocking only solves part of the problem, and even then If I couldn't fight the urge I could just unblock her. Oh it's so annoying.

 

Someone talk me out of it!

:mad:

Edited July 25, 2015 by Xiomn

[NVO]

Finding it seriously hard to fight the urge to nosey on my ex on Facebook and the worst part is I know nothing good will come from it and I'll just end up torturing myself if I do it. Part of me actually wants myself to find out whether she is getting with someone else, just so I can sit back and give myself the satisfaction of saying to myself "You're such a liar, you told me when you broke up with me, you made it absolutely clear as possible and were very very adamant that you were not leaving me for anyone else and had no intention of getting with anyone else in the future because you just want to be alone, single and just be friends with everyone."

 

I've already found out she lied about one thing that she said to me just 6 days after she broke up with me. It's almost like i want her to give me reasons to move on, reasons for me to lose respect for her for not living up to what she said, but at the same time I know it will push me back to square one, if not worse If I did find out she got with someone.

 

Sure, I could block her on Facebook to fight these urges, which I have done, but that doesn't stop me from going to even creepier desperate lengths, If I really got desperate I could potentially create a fake account if I really wanted to, so in a way blocking only solves part of the problem, and even then If I couldn't fight the urge I could just unblock her. Oh it's so annoying.

 

Someone talk me out of it!

:mad:

 

Keep going. I'm in the same situation as you are. Last time I checked my ex her Instagram (I can not check her Facebook) I saw a picture with a guy, with another guy commenting 'With his bae'. Now this could me a joke, or funny comment, but it kept me wondering. And right now I'm curious and want to find out more.

 

But it is a never ending story. You check it, you get hurt, you decide to go NC, you get curious, you check again and so on... It gets you nowhere. What does get you somewhere though, is resisting that urge.

[finalendeavor]

30th day of no contact, one month since he ended things with me- over text.

 

Still ridiculously upset, because of how easily he kicked me out of his life. He had me meet all of his family and friends, planned to move in with me, and then cut me off just like that.

 

I know people always say that it's easier to not hear from your dumper at all, but honestly, the pain has been even worse. I feel so disposable. Even after a month, I feel like ****, even though it was only a five - sixth month relationship. I'm still hurting so badly. I can't believe how easy its been for him, even though he impulsively dumped me. I've heard people say that impulsive dumpers regret quicker and will get in contact with you sooner, but that hasn't been the case at all. I feel horrible, I thought I meant so much to him. I was the first girl he ever considered moving in with, he told me his feelings for me were different than what he's ever experienced. I'm struggling so much with acceptance today.

[Xiomn]

30th day of no contact, one month since he ended things with me- over text.

 

Still ridiculously upset, because of how easily he kicked me out of his life. He had me meet all of his family and friends, planned to move in with me, and then cut me off just like that.

 

I know people always say that it's easier to not hear from your dumper at all, but honestly, the pain has been even worse. I feel so disposable. Even after a month, I feel like ****, even though it was only a five - sixth month relationship. I'm still hurting so badly. I can't believe how easy its been for him, even though he impulsively dumped me. I've heard people say that impulsive dumpers regret quicker and will get in contact with you sooner, but that hasn't been the case at all. I feel horrible, I thought I meant so much to him. I was the first girl he ever considered moving in with, he told me his feelings for me were different than what he's ever experienced. I'm struggling so much with acceptance today.

 

I know what you're going through also, literally2 days before my ex broke up with me she told me she loved me, told me I was the best and was sending me love emoticons over Facebook and everything. We had been planning on moving in together for over half a year, she wanted me to propose to her, even went as far as to planning the costs of the wedding and all sorts, talked about having kids on a regular basis. Then she broke it off with me suddenly out of nowhere over text, hadn't expressed any negative feelings to me in the past and as I said 2 days before she broke up with me she sounded very happy and loving towards me. It's all words, I learned a very important lesson, actions speak louder than words..sounds obvious right? You'd be surprised how love makes us falsely believe words mean something. (I'm not saying they don't, but actions tell the true story.)

[turtledove07]

[30th day of no contact, one month since he ended things with me- over text.

 

Still ridiculously upset, because of how easily he kicked me out of his life. He had me meet all of his family and friends, planned to move in with me, and then cut me off just like that.

 

I know people always say that it's easier to not hear from your dumper at all, but honestly, the pain has been even worse. I feel so disposable. Even after a month, I feel like ****, even though it was only a five - sixth month relationship. I'm still hurting so badly. I can't believe how easy its been for him, even though he impulsively dumped me. I've heard people say that impulsive dumpers regret quicker and will get in contact with you sooner, but that hasn't been the case at all. I feel horrible, I thought I meant so much to him. I was the first girl he ever considered moving in with, he told me his feelings for me were different than what he's ever experienced. I'm struggling so much with acceptance today.]

 

 

 

 

Im in the same position!!! Pretty much same ordeal. But Ive been blocked on facebook and I don't even know whyyyyy, it has been 8 horrible days of silence....

[Sunshine09]

I feel for you two. It was the same for me. Just discarded like trash. Blocked on everything . For her I guess :/

 

 

 

Anyways today is day 2 of no contact since I sent a brief email stating for him to never contact me again as I agree moving on with our lives is key. I then blocked his email so even if he does respond or send me anything, I cannot even see it or know about it. His only option is to call me if he really wants to be in contact. I still wish and hope that he will call and say how sorry he is, the same call we all wish we get from our ex. But I'm starting to realize that even if he did, it would just be words and his actions never did match up so it would just be more manipulative lies. I guess maybe him finding a new victim in her is a blessing in disguise too but it doesn't make it hurts any less. I have urged to stalk as well but it never ever ends well. You end up finding out that you were right but it doesn't help any, just makes you feel that much worse. So I'm really trying my best to stay away from that.

 

I wish I could fast forward time to a month from now.

[rishu1211]

I hav been in a 3 year relationship, she dumped me out if the blue all of a sudden and blamed it all on me.. I was so devastated, even begged, cried, pleaded, nothing worked out. She was busy with her bew boyfrnd. At the end i decided No contact at all,it is much important.

I have goals in my life focusing on them, i am not over her totally but its not that bad.., what goes around comes around, she may or may not come back but i have to move forward in life. Life was befote her and it will be better after her. This forum and people here are too good, gives me lot of support and strength to keep going NO Contact.

[theredpill]

Never beg or plead with the dumper, ever... just tell them want you want, if they want something different, wish them luck, move on and block if necessary, it's their loss.

 

When you cry and beg a woman who's leaving you to change her mind, every last bit of respect she had for you simply evaporates and she will NEVER see you as an option again and more than likely tell all her friends what a total wussy her ex was, please remember this for future reference.

 

You're her rock, her mountain, can you get tears from a rock?

 

No....

 

Harsh words, best lessons.

[Marinapr]

Hey, so I'm going to try and be as succinct as possible. My bf who I dated for 7 months broke up with me the day he was going overseas to sort out some major family issues for five weeks. He said that he didn't want me to miss him while he was gone because he's not sure about the next step and he feels like he's not falling in love. I told him I thought I was in love with him but at 7 months I had no idea about the next step either because its too soon. Anyway it was at this point he tried to retract the break up but I wouldn't let him because I was so hurt by him not using the L word even though he has been demonstrating it for the last four months. He's pretty messed up and I'm the first gf in years since someone broke his heart about 15 years ago. It ended with him saying that he'd still call me from overseas and I asked him not to because I would need time to get over him and hearing his voice wouldn't help. He then asked me to email him and I said I wouldn't be doing that either. At that point he started crying uncontrollably and he left to get his flight after we told each other how much we would miss the other. A week ago everything was great and he was acting like a guy in love. Anyway I haven't contacted him since he left my house five days ago and have heard nothing from him. Am I crazy to do no contact? Should I just wait for him to clear his head and come home? He said he only has two friends and I'm one of them but I put too high a value on myself to be a friend.

Edited August 9, 2015 by Marinapr

[Xiomn]

Never beg or plead with the dumper, ever... just tell them want you want, if they want something different, wish them luck, move on and block if necessary, it's their loss.

 

When you cry and beg a woman who's leaving you to change her mind, every last bit of respect she had for you simply evaporates and she will NEVER see you as an option again and more than likely tell all her friends what a total wussy her ex was, please remember this for future reference.

 

You're her rock, her mountain, can you get tears from a rock?

 

No....

 

Harsh words, best lessons.

 

Already did all that, biggest mistake ever. Completely screwed the whole situation up and she forced NC on me on 20th July.

[cookiejar]

All of these stories are such an inspiration to me. I'm feeling much better knowing I'm not alone in this as I very much feel.

 

My ex of 6 months recently broke up with within the last 3 weeks. Things were literally perfect between us or so I thought. We never had a legitimate argument, only what I would call 'discussions'. He was very clingy, emotional, and always sweet to me. It was everything I was looking for but never got in a relationship before. But eventually work started getting in the way and we began seeing each other less. I'm starting to think maybe because he was always coming over to my house to see me and I wasn't going to his he felt like I wasn't putting in much effort. But I will never know. But I started to feel neglected. I approached him about it in a harsh way and I think I scared him away. Before he read my message about being unhappy, etc. everything was normal. After my message, he ignored me for a day and then said he wasn't happy and is unable to give me the relationship I want so we needed to go our separate ways. He doesn't have any bad feeling towards me and wishes me nothing but the best. He also said there's nothing to discuss and no point in us being friends. I have since respected his wishes and have not contacted him at all.

 

I'm proud of myself because I normally would beg and plead but I've reached a point where I no longer feel like I need to force someone to stay with me. They either realize on their own I was worth it or I'll realize they aren't. I still have good days and bad days, but I'm coping with them and getting comfortable with feeling them. I know I'll eventually feel better and that's what keeps me going. There's no doubt in my mind I wish he'd talk to me but I can't keep waiting around for him to do so. It's only making me worse. I wont message him because I'll have more anxiety about getting a bad response or no response that I don't feel its worth it. He knows how to contact me if he should change his mind or wish to speak. My only problem is I'm so curious to know if he's feeling awful or if it was just so easy for him to let me go. & I'm not quite sure why I'm so bothered with finding out. I guess because I feel like its always easy for people to let me go and I am always the one who suffers more.. :/ I want him to be happy with me or without me... but I also feel like I'm in a race to see who can get over the other faster even though my gut tells me he's leap years ahead of me regardless of how strong his feelings were for me which it seemed they were .....

[purpledooze]

I'm on Day 55 of our second NC.

 

The first time I went NC was right after the breakup. I wanted it indefinitely, he wanted it temporary. After the dust settled, we reconnected. It felt good to have him back, but there was always that feeling we're not in each other's lives yet and that was painful.

 

After some drama with his other ex, I went back to NC but this time I didn't tell him. A couple of weeks ago, he'd come online on a game I introduced him to. The last time we reconciled, he did it through that game. I reached out, we played, reconnected and eventually got back together after talking. This time, I didn't reach out.

 

Last week, he tried to talk to me about attending a co-worker's daughter's funeral. I made the mistake of replying, so I don't know if I should reset my NC countdown. But it doesn't matter anymore. He was curious about how things were going. I never answered that. I feel like I didn't want him to know what was going on in my life. Though I have him on Facebook, I don't feel like posting about random things like I used to. I used to be the nerdiest, probably most annoying Facebook poster and I used to post about anything going on in my life and stuff I was up to: my 100 days of happiness project, going on random walks at 2AM, ranting about stuff. Now I don't even feel the need to do that. I just want to disappear and hide. It's like I went from total attention whore to someone who doesn't want any spotlight shed on me. Maybe I am starting to grow up.

 

Last week he asked how I was doing at work. I haven't responded yet because I'm actually afraid of what he'll say and how I'm going to overanalyze what he's going to say, and I don't want to be in that position again. I don't know if actively ignoring him will push him away. OR if it sends the message that it's going to take more than that.

 

Some days I cry in the mornings. And being alone scares me. I've burned too many bridges in the past. Right now, it doesn't even feel like I have friends, when I used to have lots.

[purpledooze]

I don't know if he's feeling hurt or if he's missing me. He's not as active on Facebook as he was either. I can't help but feel he's starting to wonder what I'm up to. Maybe it's a coincidence, but after work, I turn off my Skype (we work together, remotely) and when I go on Facebook to chat with friends, I noticed him coming active almost immediately after I come off work. Maybe I'm just fantasizing that he keeps refreshing my profile page. But I know him, he keeps his closest ex-gf's as "Close Friends" on Facebook so he sees updates almost immediately.

 

I remember the last time we reconnected, he said he's not over me. That it doesn't work that way. But that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

 

Maybe I'm lying to myself about this. I don't know. I remember going through the same thing with my fiance and I know in time things will get better.

[Mortana]

After two months of breadcrumbs and strings, I've decided I had enough, told him I need some time for myself and for us to stop trying with friendship etc because I just don't feel like it. I guess tomorrow is my first day of NC. At the moment it hurts just as much as when we broke up and I'm pathetically crying on my birthday. Hope it gets better soon...

[xplosiv]

No contact was initially a way for me to try and manipulate my ex into being with me again. Yes, it went against the very point of doing NC in the first place, but I was extremely desperate at the time... within a few weeks, my ex had announced that she was in another relationship and that's when I exploded with anger at her .Sent her nasty text messages and more.

 

After almost a year now, I am completely over her. I don't know if the vent at her helped, but I was still in emotional pain for a very long time... the crazy part is, she recently contacted me for a meet up to talk about "stuff".

 

I ignored her request and have no intention of ever seeing her again.

 

NC works people. As hard as you think it is right now, from experiencing the weight on your chest physically, to not being able to function mentally, to the anger you feel towards your ex... in a year, it will not matter a single bit.

 

Thank you LS users!

[Mortana]

Since my last post in this topic a good week ago, I told my ex we should cut the contact and stop meeting for coffee, texting etc. I told him I can't see him as a friend right now and will contact him if and when that changes. He responded he understand, to take my time and write when I want to. Today is day 9 of no contact. I thought it would make things easier for me but apparently he doesn't plan on giving me space... There's a halloween party at the end of the month which he knows I will go to (it's a tradition with my friend, we've been going for the past 10 years) and apparently he plans to go too (friend told me). To make things harder, that day and party marks a two year anniversary for us - we've met at exact same party, being there with exact same people two years ago. Nothing better than to spend your anniversary together in a small place, huh?

[TaraMaiden2]

Since my last post in this topic a good week ago, I told my ex we should cut the contact and stop meeting for coffee, texting etc. I told him I can't see him as a friend right now and will contact him if and when that changes. He responded he understand, to take my time and write when I want to. Today is day 9 of no contact. I thought it would make things easier for me but apparently he doesn't plan on giving me space... There's a halloween party at the end of the month which he knows I will go to (it's a tradition with my friend, we've been going for the past 10 years) and apparently he plans to go too (friend told me). To make things harder, that day and party marks a two year anniversary for us - we've met at exact same party, being there with exact same people two years ago. Nothing better than to spend your anniversary together in a small place, huh?

 

You have the choice - you ALWAYS have the choice - of not going.

It would speak volumes in your favour if you didn't.

 

If you do decide to go (much against anybody's better judgement), you have to act - I mean, honestly, ACT - as if you couldn't give a damn whether he's there or not.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Don't give him the time of day.

Act nonchalant, and make it perfectly clear that the "we can't be friends at the moment " counts in all and any situation, whether it's by phone, text, email chance meeting or, as in this case, friends' gathering.

Turn your back on him, and do not engage him in any way.

 

It's going to take grit and determination on your part.

But carry this off, and I promise you, your progress towards healing will move faster than you thought possible.

[Mortana]

You have the choice - you ALWAYS have the choice - of not going.

It would speak volumes in your favour if you didn't.

 

If you do decide to go (much against anybody's better judgement), you have to act - I mean, honestly, ACT - as if you couldn't give a damn whether he's there or not.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Don't give him the time of day.

Act nonchalant, and make it perfectly clear that the "we can't be friends at the moment " counts in all and any situation, whether it's by phone, text, email chance meeting or, as in this case, friends' gathering.

Turn your back on him, and do not engage him in any way.

 

It's going to take grit and determination on your part.

But carry this off, and I promise you, your progress towards healing will move faster than you thought possible.

 

Thank you for the kind words and good advice, I really appreciate it! I don't think I can skip the event all together, it would be obvious I would be doing it because of him and I don't want to give him that kind of power over me, especially since I usually go there to meet people I used to hang out with and catch up with them - these are my old friends, not his, and I'm not giving up one event we still have in common just because he's being an ass...

 

I will follow your advice though and act like he's not there and I don't give a damn... I imagine it won't be easy. Still hope he can't get free from work and doesn't come

[HurtinPDX]

Hello everyone

 

I could use some advice on NC.

 

Long story short: My ex broke up with me again. We've been through this cycle more times than I can count. He has a terrible temper, blows up, breaks up with me, runs to his place, and then gives me the silent treatment. My fault is I would invariably break down and ask him to try again. We tried counseling. The therapist says he is a narcissist and won't change.

 

Obviously, the relationship is over and needs to be over. But that doesn't stop the pain. He is not the man I fell in love with, but part of me remains convinced (hopeful) that man will come back.

 

He is extremely charming in public and plays the victim. I have had his friends call me to say how sad he is, how much he loves me, etc. They have no idea what he is like in private. It is crazy making.

 

I have tried NC in the past but always relapsed. I know I need full NC. I blocked him on FB and unfriended most his friends. I committed to not going to events where I know he will be at (a major cause of me relapsing before).

 

I deleted his number, should I block it? I don't think he will contact me, that isn't his game. What about his email? I deleted it, should I block it too? I am afraid if I block everything I will go into a panic. Did anyone panic when they blocked everything, and if so, how did you handle it?

 

I feel like he played me in the cruelest way: I fell in love with a mask. Now I have to heal, not just from the loss of a relationship, but from abuse that means it never was really love, not for him.

[TaraMaiden2]

Hello everyone

 

I could use some advice on NC.

 

Long story short: My ex broke up with me again. We've been through this cycle more times than I can count. He has a terrible temper, blows up, breaks up with me, runs to his place, and then gives me the silent treatment. My fault is I would invariably break down and ask him to try again. We tried counseling. The therapist says he is a narcissist and won't change.

Your therapist is right. Narcissists believe it's everyone else and not them (they really do) and they won't change because they're perfect as they are.

 

If you know what needs changing, then you need to up the grit, to "true" level, and change it.

Rooster Cogburn: Looking back is a bad habit.

 

Obviously, the relationship is over and needs to be over. But that doesn't stop the pain. He is not the man I fell in love with, but part of me remains convinced (hopeful) that man will come back.

 

Get this through your head: The man you fell in love with - is not the real man. The real man is the one you're leaving. THAT'S his true temperament. Manipulative, twisting, changeable according to what he wants, obstinate, blame-shifting and as your therapist pointed out - Narcissistic. He will do whatever it takes to keep you subservient and weakened to his whims and moods.

 

The man you are with IS the genuine article. THAT'S who you are over with.

 

He is extremely charming in public and plays the victim. I have had his friends call me to say how sad he is, how much he loves me, etc. They have no idea what he is like in private. It is crazy making.

I was married to one. He can charm the birds off the trees. He is disarming, articulate, intelligent and totally, totally believable.

I once went to have a word with our Doctor, who was a savvy, street-wise, "nobody's fool" if ever I met one. Unusually, he majored in Psychiatry, but became an 'ordinary' Medical Practitioner. Her actually already had my husband sussed. When I told him from a totally biased and uneducated PoV that I believed my H was a "passive/aggressive Narcissist with some sociopathic tendencies, he gamely and tactfully replied "oh yes, believe me, I know there's a lot more to your H than meets the eye...."

 

My H had everyone fooled.

Except his Doc.....

 

I have tried NC in the past but always relapsed. I know I need full NC. I blocked him on FB and unfriended most his friends. I committed to not going to events where I know he will be at (a major cause of me relapsing before).

You need to make a new life for yourself. One you know will be diametrically opposite to his, and that won't involve him, or running into him, ever.

 

I deleted his number, should I block it?

Good god woman, you should block, delete, erase, deny and fall off his radar so far that he will begin to wonder if you ever truly existed....

 

I don't think he will contact me, that isn't his game. What about his email? I deleted it, should I block it too? I am afraid if I block everything I will go into a panic. Did anyone panic when they blocked everything, and if so, how did you handle it?

Forget how other people handle things. That won't help you when you need to handle things - because only YOU can handle YOUR situation and face your demons.

You're addicted to his personality. The good part. You want him to fix him, but you know he never will, because he already knows he's perfect and that there's nothing to fix.

He also has immense confidence that you will come back. Again, and again, and again, and he knows that's your weakness.

if what you do, doesn't work, you need to change what doesn't work t o what does.

And yes: That means total blocking. Right across the board. Delete, deny, and crash everything.

 

I feel like he played me in the cruelest way: I fell in love with a mask. Now I have to heal, not just from the loss of a relationship, but from abuse that means it never was really love, not for him.

Oh hang on - make no mistake.

He loved you.

In his fashion.

While he had a compliant, subservient agreeable and cooperative person, he was happy. But Narcissists prefer to have a challenge. They WANT to meet someone strong-willed and independent. Or they get bored. They prefer the challenge of sparring with a like-minded individual, someone who can take it and throw it back.

But they don't like too much rebellion. They don't want defiance.

That really pisses them off.

So then they reveal who they really are.

And that drives their partner away..

 

It's a constant push-pull tug-of-war with their wills.

And they know exactly how to work you.

By loving you just enough to keep you close, but not enough to make you happy.

 

Now you know how it works, "on paper" - put it into practice.

 

Read the NC GUide in my signature, and implement it for yourself.

 

Even if you did the dumping in this case, he's driven you out of the relationship, out of desperation and distress.

 

Do it.

 

No half-measures, dithering about, hesitation, prevarication or deviation.

 

Do it.

[HurtinPDX]

Your therapist is right. Narcissists believe it's everyone else and not them (they really do) and they won't change because they're perfect as they are.

 

If you know what needs changing, then you need to up the grit, to "true" level, and change it.

 

Get this through your head: The man you fell in love with - is not the real man. The real man is the one you're leaving. THAT'S his true temperament. Manipulative, twisting, changeable according to what he wants, obstinate, blame-shifting and as your therapist pointed out - Narcissistic. He will do whatever it takes to keep you subservient and weakened to his whims and moods.

 

The man you are with IS the genuine article. THAT'S who you are over with.

 

 

I was married to one. He can charm the birds off the trees. He is disarming, articulate, intelligent and totally, totally believable.

I once went to have a word with our Doctor, who was a savvy, street-wise, "nobody's fool" if ever I met one. Unusually, he majored in Psychiatry, but became an 'ordinary' Medical Practitioner. Her actually already had my husband sussed. When I told him from a totally biased and uneducated PoV that I believed my H was a "passive/aggressive Narcissist with some sociopathic tendencies, he gamely and tactfully replied "oh yes, believe me, I know there's a lot more to your H than meets the eye...."

 

My H had everyone fooled.

Except his Doc.....

 

 

You need to make a new life for yourself. One you know will be diametrically opposite to his, and that won't involve him, or running into him, ever.

 

 

Good god woman, you should block, delete, erase, deny and fall off his radar so far that he will begin to wonder if you ever truly existed....

 

 

Forget how other people handle things. That won't help you when you need to handle things - because only YOU can handle YOUR situation and face your demons.

You're addicted to his personality. The good part. You want him to fix him, but you know he never will, because he already knows he's perfect and that there's nothing to fix.

He also has immense confidence that you will come back. Again, and again, and again, and he knows that's your weakness.

if what you do, doesn't work, you need to change what doesn't work t o what does.

And yes: That means total blocking. Right across the board. Delete, deny, and crash everything.

 

 

Oh hang on - make no mistake.

He loved you.

In his fashion.

While he had a compliant, subservient agreeable and cooperative person, he was happy. But Narcissists prefer to have a challenge. They WANT to meet someone strong-willed and independent. Or they get bored. They prefer the challenge of sparring with a like-minded individual, someone who can take it and throw it back.

But they don't like too much rebellion. They don't want defiance.

That really pisses them off.

So then they reveal who they really are.

And that drives their partner away..

 

It's a constant push-pull tug-of-war with their wills.

And they know exactly how to work you.

By loving you just enough to keep you close, but not enough to make you happy.

 

Now you know how it works, "on paper" - put it into practice.

 

Read the NC GUide in my signature, and implement it for yourself.

 

Even if you did the dumping in this case, he's driven you out of the relationship, out of desperation and distress.

 

Do it.

 

No half-measures, dithering about, hesitation, prevarication or deviation.

 

Do it.

 

Tara: thank you. You are the first person to really sum up the truth of my experience and what it is like. You are so correct: he loved me just enough to keep me close but never enough to make me happy.

 

Not only that, he did everything he could to dismantle me. He really does believe he is perfect and right and justified in all things. His anger when that was challenged was off the charts, even when it was something stupid...like the "right" way to do laundry. In the future I think I might find humor in how "right" he was about everything, no matter how mundane. it was pretty ridiculous.

 

I am instituting full NC . It will mean some loss for me, as we shared a community, and that means I won't get to go to some functions and events. But it is worth it. Anything is worth healing from this horrible relationship. I so appreciate your words about your husband. It helps to hear someone else healed from a relationship with a narcissist.

 

THANK YOU!!!