Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[tsubame]

I have been going back and forth, blocking and unblocking him on my phone.

Anyone experiences this too?

I keep trying to give him "chances", to see if he calls me.

So what if he calls anyway? I will be throwing myself back into the vicious cycle again.

I am so annoyed at myself!

[Cappycorny]

This is probably a terrible post for people trying to maintain NC, but here is something I realized.

 

 

I need to say everything I have to say to someone, to be genuine, honest, put it all out there, and if they still walk away from me, then I know that was meant to be instead of going through the "what if I had said _______, instead of holding back and keeping it to myself".

 

 

That's how I have to do NC, to have nothing left to say. It gives me peace of mind that I put everything back in the other person's 'court'. Then, if and when, that person ever reappears, I can genuinely tell them that abandonment is the hardest, most painful thing for me, and that once someone has abandoned me my trust is gone for good.

 

 

I realize how pathetic that might sound, but I need someone who I know can be in an uncomfortable state and keep trying rather than running off and then coming back later.

 

 

I've read this about 5 times now. Thank you for writing it. I'm the same way. I need to get it all out And say it all before I can move forward. I recently got s reply back from a guy I had a friends with benefits R with. It was a reply to my apology. I keep thinking do I have anymore to say? I really truly think I don't. I feel like the balls in my court since he made the last contact. I don't wish to write him even as tempted as I am I feel ill

Lose the upprhand.

[bunk]

I posted a thread about my situation a few days ago, but basically my ex left me saying she needed space and gave me all of the excuses. She started dating a guy a little less than 2 weeks later, someone she's known for about a year (we were together for about 3 years). As far as I know/can tell, they're still seeing each other. Some reaching out via text stuff went down between then and now, but basically on New Years I decided I'd go into a really strict form of NC. I removed and blocked her on everything.

 

It's been 6 days. This girl was my absolute best friend in the world, such is the case with any "healthy" relationship. And I lost my best friend.

 

It's been 6 days since I even sent her a text message, no matter how hard her responses were to read, they were still something. It REALLY hurts to miss, care for and love someone who doesn't seem to give a single **** about you. Especially when it's someone who had you convinced they really loved you, too. And, believe me, I'm trying just about everything to even be apathetic toward her, and I just can't.

Edited January 7, 2016 by bunk

[RandomTraveller]

So I'm in no contact since January 5th, broke up occurred on December 19th.. I never felt so much pain in my life I think. I'm destroyed.

 

The first days I could barely stay still/seated. All I did was constantly moving and crying at the same time.

 

Thank god I still have other people who really love me and support me. And a good therapist...

I'm 25 and I feel like a child of 6 years old crying to mummy. It sucks.

 

I'm just trying to not stay passive and stay active instead. And do everything I can to improve my life and meet new girls.

 

My favorite quote: "Take care of your life. And your life will take care of you."

[autumnjess]

I think you need to stay strong and wait it out. You both (RandomTraveller and bunk) have just ended a relationship and it seems like torture at the moment but it does get better with time. You need to have a plan to distract yourself. Things like going to gym, writing, being with friends is the best way to keep you busy.

 

Also try to not have a negative spin on what happen and who did what. The truth is they are hurting just as you are and may have said or done things out of spite so don't make assumptions about how they're feeling. Instead every time you think about that person, distract yourself. When the emotions die a little (normally by week 3), you should then address the reality of what happened in the relationship and you would be at a better place. Right now you can only see the extreme bad infront of you. Just stick to no contact and distract yourself (not with girls because that is going to emotionally backfire on you later on). You will feel better I promise. When logic comes around you will realise the reality of your relationship and make better judgment of what happened, whether good or bad, you'll learn from it. And if you still feel the same, love them, want them back then I suggest you take action and consider reconciling.

 

Just don't make judgements now. Wait for a couple weeks and distract yourself.

Edited January 14, 2016 by autumnjess

[bunk]

Yeah, I've been just making myself busier than all hell and that really helps. Hanging out with friends, taking little trips with friends, school, working, working out, taking every opportunity I can to just not be alone with my thoughts pretty much. A few days ago, and I'm not exactly sure why I did it, I mean I am but you know, but I reached out to bury the hatchet because I really couldn't let myself just piss away the sole friendship, and she reciprocated and agreed.

 

Not my first ex, all of the others were like if something bad had happened to them I'd probably say "lol sucks to be them" but if anything were to happen to her I'd literally be ruined. I'm not holding onto the past or hope with a future with her, this is just generally and genuinely not someone I want entirely out of my life. And it seems like she feels that way, too, but I know that she's probably just trying to be nice. So I'm obviously not swamping her with texts, and I'm respecting her new relationship. Our relationship set sail a long time ago and I've more than come to terms with that and have started looking outward to start dating, myself. If some crazy shift happens and life sets us up again some time in the future, like a couple years from now, uhhh who knows, but for right now I'm happy as funk being single

 

Except I'm extremely busy, and I absolutely love that. I don't even have time for a serious relationship, much less the one I just got booted out of. And that's where I think everyone needs to be, where I needed to be two months ago.

[SoundedPlum]

Day 1 of NC. Been in LC for roughly 2 weeks since the break up. Hardest part was analyzing everything he said and didn't say. Knowing I was on a string. I finally deleted him off Facebook. Ran into him at a bar last night, was completely drunk and I went off on him. Embarrassed myself 100%, woke up feeling like a fool. Texted him an apology and that when he is ready to come get his things and drop mine off, let me know.

 

Although... I should have probably made arrangements to do it before NC. Taking this break up really hard. Stayed in bed all day. Reading everyone else's posts is inspiring....gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel with NC. There is no lose/lose. It is only win/win. I am waiting on when it gets better...

[SoundedPlum]

I have been going back and forth, blocking and unblocking him on my phone.

Anyone experiences this too?

I keep trying to give him "chances", to see if he calls me.

So what if he calls anyway? I will be throwing myself back into the vicious cycle again.

I am so annoyed at myself!

 

Yes. I was afraid to block him because I'd miss a message or a call... but honestly... it instills hope that may be a deterrent for you. Currently I blocked my ex, but I am sure I will unblock within the hour... it's terrible!

[SoundedPlum]

Hello everyone

 

I could use some advice on NC.

 

Long story short: My ex broke up with me again. We've been through this cycle more times than I can count. He has a terrible temper, blows up, breaks up with me, runs to his place, and then gives me the silent treatment. My fault is I would invariably break down and ask him to try again. We tried counseling. The therapist says he is a narcissist and won't change.

 

Obviously, the relationship is over and needs to be over. But that doesn't stop the pain. He is not the man I fell in love with, but part of me remains convinced (hopeful) that man will come back.

 

He is extremely charming in public and plays the victim. I have had his friends call me to say how sad he is, how much he loves me, etc. They have no idea what he is like in private. It is crazy making.

 

I have tried NC in the past but always relapsed. I know I need full NC. I blocked him on FB and unfriended most his friends. I committed to not going to events where I know he will be at (a major cause of me relapsing before).

 

I deleted his number, should I block it? I don't think he will contact me, that isn't his game. What about his email? I deleted it, should I block it too? I am afraid if I block everything I will go into a panic. Did anyone panic when they blocked everything, and if so, how did you handle it?

 

I feel like he played me in the cruelest way: I fell in love with a mask. Now I have to heal, not just from the loss of a relationship, but from abuse that means it never was really love, not for him.

 

I feel you 100%... I, too, am in love with someone who I think is a narcissist or probably just a jack a**. It's hard because you are breaking up with someone that does not exist. It is someone you had in your head. And when they turn out to be cruel and nasty, you feel blind sided and duped. I deleted my ex off FB and it freaked me out. It meant it was "real". Currently I have blocked him (it's only been a few hours), and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

 

The saddest thing about being in love with someone like a narcissist is that everyone else (including him) thinks you're the crazy one! Sometimes I wish people knew half the crap I had to deal with.

[BeStrongGuys]

5 years RS. She has 2 kids, I have 1.

2 months ago, she cheated and dumped me.

First 2 days I was shocked, I said her I will wait for her… ( WTF !!!) I regret saying that, but everyone knows first days how do we feel and how emotions controls our mind.

 

2 weeks after BU, I wrote an email saying I forgive her,( for my healing process) but I will never forget. She replied me we need to see each other face to face.

 

Went NC. Blocked her on FB, email , wapp. That felt really good, giving me some power back.

 

Almost 2 months have passed and I wrote an email saying I never will see her again face to face, that none of my exs have humiliated me as she did it, humiliated as her BF and as a man. And hope her new RS work out.

That gave me the closure I was needing.

 

She cheats, moves on quick, lies to you and then makes it all your fault.

 

If she wants to come to me , I will never take her back, they need to learn a lesson as we did. Come on guys, there are plenty of women out there, we deserve much much better than taking a f**** cheater back, are you going to sit there and wait for her? No way !!

 

You gained freedom of someone who did not have the integrity or strength to love you as you deserved.

 

She lost someone who really care and remained true, Her lost

 

Man Up !

Edited February 24, 2016 by BeStrongGuys

[VonLagos]

I've still got some things that my ex owns at my house.

 

We work together so I could in theory just drop them off on his desk, ninja style!

 

It's been 2 weeks NC and it's hard going, especially seeing him at work everyday wondering how he is! I'm praying that he might change jobs soon so the recovery is a bit easier!

 

Feel for all of you going through this. Chin up!

[Amor289]

I know its been a couple of years since you posted this. But did your NC efforts work out? I am on my 22nd day out of the 30 days of NC.

[heartbrokenoff]

today will be my 1st day of nc. 13 years of relationship. i hope i have the strength to complete the nc.

[Shiggs]

Been NC for a little over 2 months since the day after the BU. Going on my first date in a loooong time. I'm basically testing the waters to see if I'm ready to date or not. I want to get back out there but at the same time, I don't want to be thinking with my other head lol. I guess at the end of the night, I'll know where I stand on dating and if I'm ready to move on or not. Wish me luck!

[bunk]

I know its been a couple of years since you posted this. But did your NC efforts work out? I am on my 22nd day out of the 30 days of NC.

 

I'm gonna just say what everyone always says: NC is s'posed to be about you. Besides the point that it's not about your ex at all, if you can't be happy with your single self, you can't be happy in a relationship. It's a difficult truth I've faced like stepping on a rake.

[samsmith12]

I am relatively new to this so thought I'd create this thread for people to write their thoughts during the NC period. I'll start:

 

I am only on my 3rd day of NC as I have been breaking it quite a lot however I am really determined to make it to 30 days as I know it will only benefit me in the long run. I am going away in a couple of days and my ex messaged me saying "have a good flight and a fun time". The temptation to reply was overwhelming but I ignored it and never replied.

 

How is everyone else coping and doing during NC? I think sharing thoughts and ideas can only benefit all of us.

[Steven1]

I went 8 weeks NC before my ex contacted me, we texted for 2/3 days before deciding that we needed some more time apart.

[Rachel39]

I'm 10 weeks in day 8 of no contact for me ... Iv texed the last 8 weeks with him telling me it's over to move on... I drempt about him last night that he came back and asked me to marry him.

 

I'm having a bad day Iv had to come and escape in my bedroom for a little while because I cant stop crying!

 

I'm sick of going through this, what is wrong with me to not be able to have a normal relationship I'm 39 and spent most of my adult life heartbroken.

 

I'm attractive, ambitious, fun, sporty, workout, ect I'm not dull and a people person. There is obviously something missing from me and I'm not sure what it is .... Maybe if I can find it is be ok ?

[samsmith12]

Rachel39 - Can I ask how long you were in the relationship with him for? And what was the reason you two broke up?

[Rachel39]

Yes 2 years, with full involvement with family my son and his children who do not live in England and plans to live together and marriage in the future I'm 39 he's 40.

 

He'd had problems in his personal life 2 deaths (work colleagues) last year under tragic circumstances, problems with his job.

 

No cheating no lies.

 

He was very quiet with me for months and just felt like he had checked out of the relationship I don't think the way I handled how he was coping helped as he just shut off from me... No communication and I kept thinking he didint want us anymore !

 

After I ended it and try to apologise he said he wasn't sure it's what he wanted anymore so maybe I was right all along or maybe he just couldn't handle it all and then me on top of that.

 

Then I think spending the next 8 weeks begging for him back well has just made his minded completely.

 

So I'm on 8 day of nc I don't think il ever stop wanting to be with him

Edited March 28, 2016 by Rachel39
Adding

[barky2]

The little " have a good time " message was selfish. Really proud you didn't respond as a response wasn't needed.

 

Shrug your shoulders and say " cool " and keep it movin.

 

I understand you saying " I want to make it 30days"...

 

But set short terms goals, get thru today.

 

Then tomorrow.

 

And so on, finally you'll be like wow it's been 2 months.

 

Exs pop in months,years, decades later. It benefits you ZERO for anyone to hold onto the day they get a reach out. It means nothing, not unless it's obvious what they want.

 

Enjoy the time away, enjoy the time when you come back. After all is said and done, you'll be a much better person overall because of this.

 

 

 

 

Barky2

[samsmith12]

Thank Barky2! I really needed to hear that. Today I spent the day with some friends (girls) and I actually had an amazing time. Didn't think of my ex at all really. I had posted pictures on Facebook of me with them and I am sure my ex has seen them (I definitely did not post them out of spite, I would've posted them anyway regardless). I feel a little guilty which I assume is normal? But I know I shouldn't be feeling guilty as at the end of the day, she broke it off with me. I shouldn't feel guilty should I?

[UltimatePanacea]

New to this thread, but because my friends are sick of hearing me whining about him and the breakup I am here to vent: day 5 of NC feels like week 5 to me, but I have promised myself that I was not going to break it. I have no deadline like NC for 30/60/90 days. I am doing this not to make him miss me (well it is a nice bonus), but mainly to heal and move on.

All of my ex boyfriends came back after they broke up with me/I broke up with them. NC worked with every single guy I dated in the past, not sure if it will work on this one as well, but at least it will let me heal and keep my emotions under control. 2 things happen during the NC: he/she comes back or you heal and move on. Win Win

[TaraMaiden2]

New to this thread, but because my friends are sick of hearing me whining about him and the breakup I am here to vent: day 5 of NC feels like week 5 to me, but I have promised myself that I was not going to break it. I have no deadline like NC for 30/60/90 days. I am doing this not to make him miss me (well it is a nice bonus), but mainly to heal and move on.

All of my ex boyfriends came back after they broke up with me/I broke up with them. NC worked with every single guy I dated in the past, not sure if it will work on this one as well, but at least it will let me heal and keep my emotions under control. 2 things happen during the NC: he/she comes back or you heal and move on. Win Win

 

NC Is never about them coming back.

It never should be.

NC is all about you, only you and for you to focus on you.

Them coming back is like putting on that pair of new shoes you threw to the back of the closet.

Because after a while, they rubbed, pinched, gave you blisters - and they actually really didn't look that good or go with anything.

 

You still want to put those nasty suckers back on...?

[Jason9]

One month here since no contact. We saw each other for one year and its really difficult. We broke up on very bad terms and I ended up deleting everything, the photos, the messages, everything, which I believe has helped.

 

Im not saying I was a saint in the relationship, but I was always going to be there for her regardless. She had a temper and I put up with it because I do that for the one I have feelings for. She cheated though and that is something that I cant look past. She wanted to be friends, but she hurt me too much and I decided to shut the door for good. I felt like she shouldve respected me enough to tell me we should just be friends before cheating on me.

 

There are times where Ill pat myself on the back for not breaking NC and coming this far, but then there'll be periods where I wish she would contact me, even though I know nothing will come of it. I know NC isnt about wanting your ex to contact you, but tbh, I just miss her, even though I dont want to be friends.