Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[blue_daisy]

I'm new to this and currently I'm in NC for 3 days. Technically we haven't seen or contacted each other for 2 months since one week after the breakup mainly because he didn't contact me or wanted to come out to meet me when a common friend between us asked him to. I wasn't in NC previously because I was stalking him on facebook almost everyday just to wait for him to go online and wondering what he is doing or reading. The pain accumulated up to a point where I broke down and internally I asked why he just wouldn't message to me at all.

 

Now I've unfriended him and blocked his number on my phone to completely shut him out of my world. I feel more relieved this way that I can now focus on myself instead of hoping that he would turn up any day (He did give me a hint that maybe we might end up together after the breakup. But no promises, he said). Now I'm a bit scared if he really does appear coincidentally or intentionally, I wouldn't know how to react if that really happens.

[oman0115]

9 weeks today since talking to my ex, she's liked the odd facebook post and sent me a happy birthday message a few weeks back but I don't constitute that as contact. I'm actually finding it harder, and the moment I encounter any adversity in my life I go back to thinking about her. My mate asked how I was coping, he's with his childhood sweetheart. I described it as grieving somebody who you were close to dying, when you know at any stage you can contacct them. Ultimate mind f***

[AT15]

Well, I've been on here too many times concerning the same guy in the past three years. Every time he leaves, I say I'm done. Then I want him back days later. I make contact. He may or may not respond. I go on an emotional chase. I let go, move on, he comes back, then he leaves again. I'm thinking that the relationship I wanted with him will never be. The problem was he couldn't be faithful, at all. He is not a loyal man. He's 34. He has a sordid history. I wanted a husband and family. He said he wanted that with me too. But, taking the step toward being responsible for himself, me and my daughter ( not his) proved to be too much for him.

We became in a committed relationship in Spring of 2014. He left me Fall of 2015. We lived together from December 2014 to October 2015.

 

I thought I wanted him back. But, now I'm thinking I'm better off without him.

 

He's too selfish, too self centered and too unstable. I don't think the relationship will be any better than the one we had. I think it will just come down to the same thing.

 

Also, he doesn't want me in his life. He shows me that by not contacting me. Ever. I'm beginning to accept that he does not want me. So, here I am. It's not about no contact per se. It's more about MOVING ON. It's apart of life. We have experiences. Somethings will hurt us deeply. This has hurt me deeply. But, my saving grace is healing as much as I can and moving on.

[alsudduth]

Day 3 of NC and I feel like it's been a lifetime. For many reasons it's for the best, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

What are your tips and tricks for me to not be weak and reach out? I've been writing everything down that I wish I could say to him so that I can get it off my chest without breaking the NC.

 

I know it gets easier, but right now I'm super miserable.

[panzerfaust69]

Day 7 no contact. Last contact was she sent a birthday dinner offer and a happy birthday text. I said I need to after 4 months of trying to win her back take a month to grieve and heal, she saying sounds like a good idea. I hope I don't feel like contacting her then. I've been too available too eager to please, and she dumped me so it should be her to reach out in 24 days or so not me, but I should just block her number and forget her!

[topher]

Cheated on and dumped after 9 volatile years.

2 months since the breakup.

47 days since last contact.

Participating in therapy thrice a month.

Exercising 6 days a week.

Eating right.

Quit partying.

 

Each day brings a strengthening solace.

 

"And the question is, was I more alive then than I am now?

I happily have to disagree

I laugh more often now, I cry more often now

I am more me"

[juniorrocha]

It's been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years. I'm going to update this as the days go by, with each day and how it went. After a week I can already see an improvement and I have absolutely no desire on contacting her, what only makes NC easier. I have unfollowed her on everything; but I didn't block. Hope it's ok, just want to make this a place that I can share my emotions. Friends are getting tired of hearing, my closest friends and family live in another town, so I'm having to go through this mostly alone.

 

Day 01: couldn't get out of my bed, felt miserable, and was expecting a message the entire day. I had the urge in the middle of the afternoon to get up, cut my hair, shave and throw away all of her stuff. A friend came over, we went to a bar, it was being very fun and I got drunk, then I broke down and cried. I came back home. Didn't eat/sleep well at all.

 

Day 02: it was a saturday, I spent the entire day home and didn't do anything productive. It was killing me. At night I went biking alone, it felt good. Couldn't shake the feeling that at any moment she would contact somehow. Didn't eat/sleep well at all.

 

Day 03: just like the saturday. At night I went to the church. I cried there. Also didn't eat/sleep well.

 

Day 04: for some reason, I woke up feeling fantastic. Ate better, went to the gym, made an illustration (I'm an illustrator), and started a new project. Listened to some uplifting songs. I felt good.

 

Day 05: I've been going to therapy once a week for a while now, so it was handy. I woke up feeling sad, went for it and cried before being able to speak. It was good to hear from a professional, and she enforced I should stay strict NC. That made me sad, but I knew it was for the best. Gym again, eating better, but couldn't shake the sadness the entire day.

 

[HARDEST DAY SO FAR] Day 06: Only slept for 2 hours. Woke up devastated. Went out to college, then lunch with a friend, had an amazing time, but couldn't eat well. When I was walking my way home, a girl I use to hook up with passed by and we talked a bit. Had the urge to ask for her phone number, but thought it was better to leave it at that. As soon as I stepped in my room, I cried like I've never cried before. It was hurting very much, I was actually screaming. I felt tired, hungry, but I couldn't sleep or eat at all. Ended up not going to the gym, but eventually I got to sleep.

 

Day 07: I woke up a little confused, as of that didn't seem real. It was a holiday and we use to spend the entire holidays together. I wrote a little story about us and that made me feel good, but at the same time it brought some hopes up that we could maybe work things out in the future. I felt so lonely that I ended up downloading a hook up app and invited a random girl over. Turns out she's amazing, we had sex. It was good, but inevitably I couldn't stop comparing her to my ex. I felt great after that and could work on some of my stuff. Could've eaten more, but alright, it's a process.

 

[bEST DAY SO FAR] Day 08: finally could sleep a lot. I got up, worked on some of my projects, then ate twice, and before going to the gym, I was thinking about a lot of the **** she put me through. ****load of lies, blaming myself for her faults, possible cheatings, flirts with other guys, and things along these lines. For the first time, I felt like contacting her, but only to tell her what a piece of **** she is. I got really angry remembering everything and I wondered why the F I went through all of that ****. W/e, live and learn. Worked out very hard and promised myself I WILL NEVER, EVER, GET BACK TO HER.

 

Day 09: --

Edited May 28, 2016 by juniorrocha

[Happenstousall]

Hi all

 

Might have missed this so forgive me if already discussed but...

 

 

...I think i might have to go down this route even though i know it will devastate me, i think its my only option.

 

We have been on good terms since the breakup, talking most days and have seen each other recently.

 

But that was impossible for me. I loved her more than i ever remember and she was polite, nice at times but entirely cold to any possibility of a reconciliation.

 

So my question - Should I tell her thats what's happening and say goodbye rather than just walking away?

[Cooper04]

Hi all

 

Might have missed this so forgive me if already discussed but...

 

 

...I think i might have to go down this route even though i know it will devastate me, i think its my only option.

 

We have been on good terms since the breakup, talking most days and have seen each other recently.

 

But that was impossible for me. I loved her more than i ever remember and she was polite, nice at times but entirely cold to any possibility of a reconciliation.

 

So my question - Should I tell her thats what's happening and say goodbye rather than just walking away?

 

I don't see the harm in that. Also, if you just disappear, she will probably try to contact you, which will in turn make it harder for you to remain NC. By letting her know in advance, she will hopefully respect that and leave you alone. Which may not be what you want, but it is what you need.

Best of luck.

[Happenstousall]

I don't see the harm in that. Also, if you just disappear, she will probably try to contact you, which will in turn make it harder for you to remain NC. By letting her know in advance, she will hopefully respect that and leave you alone. Which may not be what you want, but it is what you need.

Best of luck.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah, it's definitely not what I want which is my only reluctance to doing it, means I have to do it. But i suppose I do anyway, for both of us.

 

Of course, I'm a day into it now so i'll have to start again but I think I owe it to her to be honest and I think its respectful in our situation.

[toastytiger]

Haven't been in contact for a few weeks. (except for running into each other)

 

Today, he texts to ask if I want to come pick berries from his yard.

I say I'm not interested, we're broken up.

He says- I understand. I just wanted to share with you, they are insanely delicious.

 

WTF? Who is this man?

 

It's like he doesn't remember that he dumped me to start seeing someone else.

 

Now I'm left feeling frustrated over not knowing what to make of it. And I'm doubting saying no because the part of me that misses him would have loved to spend time together and see how he's doing.

But, just crumbs. & I don't even know how to interact with someone who has betrayed me.

 

Gah!

Really. Why? What does he want from me?

 

stupid stupid stupid

Edited June 8, 2016 by toastytiger

[Happenstousall]

Haven't been in contact for a few weeks. (except for running into each other)

 

Today, he texts to ask if I want to come pick berries from his yard.

I say I'm not interested, we're broken up.

He says- I understand. I just wanted to share with you, they are insanely delicious.

 

WTF? Who is this man?

 

It's like he doesn't remember that he dumped me to start seeing someone else.

 

Now I'm left feeling frustrated over not knowing what to make of it. And I'm doubting saying no because the part of me that misses him would have loved to spend time together and see how he's doing.

But, just crumbs. & I don't even know how to interact with someone who has betrayed me.

 

Gah!

Really. Why? What does he want from me?

 

stupid stupid stupid

 

You said it yourself, breadcrumbs. Stay strong, don't let it get under your skin.

 

Easier said than done but you can brush it off and carry on with your life.

[peonyrose]

I had no choice but to obey the no contact rule. He blocked me from his phone, email and social media. I think this hurt more than him walking out 2 weeks ago.after a week we met to talk and I thought sorted it all out he declared his love and we made plans. But nope next day I was blocked. Its a week now. He was 49 and I am 35 I thought he was a mature kind man but god was I thought a hard lesson,that I never knew him. 2.5 years together and newly engaged and he bails. The torture has been not even having my chance of saying how I feel because I can't I'm blocked!! Maybe better in the long run but right now its crap.

[fixing]

peonyrose you are so much better off that he has blocked you because you will feel God awful after reaching out to him to tell him how you feel...

 

He is not worth it and don't let him know the pain you are suffering. It will bruise his ego a little when he realises you seemingly have moved on even though you are internally in pain.

[toastytiger]

I had no choice but to obey the no contact rule. He blocked me from his phone, email and social media. I think this hurt more than him walking out 2 weeks ago.after a week we met to talk and I thought sorted it all out he declared his love and we made plans. But nope next day I was blocked. Its a week now. He was 49 and I am 35 I thought he was a mature kind man but god was I thought a hard lesson,that I never knew him. 2.5 years together and newly engaged and he bails. The torture has been not even having my chance of saying how I feel because I can't I'm blocked!! Maybe better in the long run but right now its crap.

 

My ex who treated me in a selfish/immature way was also 15 years older than me. Goes to show it doesn't matter how old you are -- some people are still children. Heart goes out to you peonyrose

[Laydback1]

Hey bud, im going through a break up to with my ex girl of 3 years. It hurts and i was thinking support helps, and i dont have go out friends either. All i can tell u is it doesnt sound good. But also when one door closes another one opens. It hasnt opened for me yet but my girl used to accuse me of cheating day and night of cheating and it drove a wedge between us because she used to treat me like i cheated but i didnt. And after she left me for something i didnt do she smeared my name with all kinds of vicious lies. So i feel like less than dirt. All i can tell u is that u got off lucky if all she did was leave. Women can be cruel. Idk if ill ever be able to trust another woman. I think u shoukd not call or text and not give her the attention shes used to getting from u. If u love something set it free if it comes back its yours, if not then it wasnt.

[Trinity7]

Just woke up to day 3 of NC. It's been 6 days since the breakup. Had my worst day yet yesterday-- first great rage, then a horrible crying jag and absolute despair. Feel drained today from being up most of the night bawling, but drained and numb is better than bad at least

Not really ready to go into details, but the breakup was totally out of left field a day after he was telling me how I was his everything. Saw some Facebook posts to his ex afterwards though, so I guess that's the missing puzzle piece

Still trying to wrap my head around how someone could just give up on the special connection we had so quickly and seemingly easily. It doesn't make any sense. But I have to accept that I probably won't ever get answers. I don't know if they'd matter or not at this point anyway. I tried asking him what had happened and if we could talk about it on Saturday and he totally ignored me. Worst feeling ever. Been NC since. Just have to keep reminding myself that he's not the man I thought he was and I deserve better. So devastating though

[peonyrose]

I know trinity, I really do it is devastating finding out you trusted the wrong man. my breakup was so cruel on so many levels, I still can't believe its the same man, who was so happy and proud I agreed to marry him, to this monster he has become. It makes me sick, physically I'll.

 

I hope today is a better day for you and I would thank your lucky stars you only did a few months with that man.

[Lorenza]

I know that I will be missing your body, your smile and your laughter for quite a while. You're so handsome and fun to be with, so crazily talented and ambitious. I still feel the same attraction I felt when I met you. I still want to make love to you. I still want to cuddle and cook something tasty for you. My mind hasn't let this sink in yet. I still think I'd get a dose of your affection soon again. But I won't.

[Bouli]

I didn't do anything to deserve those things being said to me... I never hit her or cheated on her. I can understand her holding that anger if I did those things, but I didn't do that... Just so lost and confused

 

Guilt makes ppl behave in strange ways. She wants to trigger a reaction in you so she can feel better. Keep nc.

[Traceycprc]

Day 3 - Mornings are always the worst when it suddenly dawns on me we are over. I wonder if you have woken up to her this morning, if she is snuggling on your chest like I used to, working out what to do with the day. I refuse to think about it anymore. I get up and feed my Labrador Puppy, the dog I always wanted and you didn't. Feed my 2 cats, and it's now time to get my groove on! A couple of hours on my mountain bike, a long bath and ready to face my day. I can't be beat, and throw a pity party for one. You are living your life, I'm living mine. Building myself up and repairing my heart. Another day, another step in the opposite direction to you.

[JohnnyStreet]

Awesome thread, although its Friday night and I darn messaged her after a bit over a week of resisting no contact, no response and feeling ****ty about myself

Been there, done that.... I think most of us have. Dont be so hard on yourself man. Let it go and don't do it again

[eternalspotless]

I have decided to begin NC - this will be day one. She messaged me this morning, telling me that she didn't want me to be upset, and it wasn't her intention.. I can't remember exactly what it said as I deleted it, and I didn't reply.

 

I have deleted her number (although I know it, it will reduce temptation) and I am going to try and not speak to her today. I don't see why I should keep talking to someone that doesn't want to be with me, so that they can absolve themselves of everything they're doing wrong.

 

I am scared of NC, I can't lie. But I know from past experience that the sooner you do it and commit to it, the sooner you can heal and move on.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

What if you want to not get back together but just apologize for what you did wrong in your relationship? I mean not just go sobbing like but really mean it from the bottom of your heart? To just let them know that since they moved on and you are on your way you just wish to apologize for everything? Can we break NC then even for apology? You may just say you don't need any kind of answer you just wanted them to know that.

[toastytiger]

What if you want to not get back together but just apologize for what you did wrong in your relationship? I mean not just go sobbing like but really mean it from the bottom of your heart? To just let them know that since they moved on and you are on your way you just wish to apologize for everything? Can we break NC then even for apology? You may just say you don't need any kind of answer you just wanted them to know that.

 

Have you decided to make contact to apologize? If so, did you feel better afterwards? I can totally understand that need to clear the air and get closure by apologizing. It's possible that it could be beneficial to your process, and at the same time, it really might not do much or just set you back.

 

Tbh, I'm new to this NC thing and I'm not an expert on the "rules" (I'm pretty repelled by rules anyway). It's been 12 days NC for me, longest I haven't talked or heard from him in over two years. So crazy. It makes the break up really sink in. Which is good for moving on, and sad at the same time.

 

That said, it seems ANY kind of contact (even if it's just an apology) will bring up stimulating feelings.