Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[runup]

Keep this post alive and offer your own words of wisdom so we can all hope to learn and grow from our breakups...

 

I have been separated from my ex for a month now. She was the dumper and I still have not had full closure. I would be lying if I said I didn't have moments where I wanted to hate her. There were times where I questioned everything about our relationship. After all, we had been so close. She had been this person in my life that I always imagined being in my life forever, and she had reciprocated those feelings. I had went limited contact for the past month, hoping that I could grow and possibly reconcile at the same time.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay in contact.

 

I know, you think your situation is different. Whether or not your ex is feeding you "breadcrumbs" you need to understand that they ended the relationship for one reason or another. You are hurt, hence why you are on this site. It is okay and natural to feel hurt, to feel resentment, anger and much more.

 

***I want to pose a question for everyone... If you were to get back with your ex today, would you have any negative feelings in regards to the breakup? On the other end, if you were to never talk again, would you be hurt? If you answer yes to either of these, you are not ready to get back together. The most important thing you can do is go strict no contact and work on yourself.***

 

For me, I knew there were mistakes I had made in the relationship that led to a loss of feelings. However, there wasn't something so drastic to lead to a split. In this, I realized that for whatever reason, my ex didn't think it was going to work out and she left. Maybe she had "GIGS" or maybe this or maybe that. The whole point is that I STILL am slowly realizing that reasons don't matter. I know what I can do to improve any future relationship I may have and that's to move on. This past month I have persuaded myself I was ready to move on and that I wasn't interested in her anymore. I had definitely made progress, but progress can be halted if you make mistakes.

 

I recently met her for coffee to catch up. We talked like friends and a bit about us, she said I had changed a little and I saw she had too. But in my heart I knew I wasn't over her. I told her I still had romantic feelings for her, that I didn't see us being together now and that maybe in time we will grow enough to be back together in a new relationship much more in the future.

 

Guess what she said? "Honestly, I dont think I see us ever getting back together. I do appreciate you as a friend and for being so nice. It's nice we can catch up and still talk."

 

Wow. I know that is probably what no one on here wants to hear from their ex. This was the same person that said they still loved me, might be making a huge mistake ending it etc. (clearly those same thoughts weren't in her mind).

 

It may seem strange but I feel I'm luckier than most after being told that by her. So many people I have seen felt the same way as me about their ex, yet their exes weren't as forthcoming in the inability of getting back together. My ex has been very mature post breakup and her being able to tell me she truly doesn't see a future with me will help me to move on. It hurts a little now, but it has allowed me to no longer fiend for or even seek reconciliation any further... And to be quite honest, no longer seeking reconciliation has been the most liberating feeling I have had yet (post breakup). I now feel like I'm ready to move on. It is then I realized that the only thing holding myself back as a person was my hope for reconciliation.

 

PLEASE if you want to be happy with yourself and be content, do not seek reconciliation. If it is meant to be, it will be. I know it sounds cliche and perhaps you feel its not applicable to your "Special" situation but I promise you... And this is a promise: If you let it go, be who you want to be and no longer depend on them for your happiness, you will feel such a great sense of relief, you will find your own happiness, you will be HAPPY with or without them. But this is only if you want it, you need to make the conscious decision to no longer feel the need to be with your ex.

 

"If you love something let it go. If it comes back, it is yours to keep. If not it was never meant to be."

 

I made some angry fueled mistakes the days following the breakup, questioning everything about our relationship...

 

In the end I learned that I should never doubt how an ex felt about me during the relationship just because they don't feel that same way after the breakup.

 

People change...circumstances change...emotions change...

 

Just because she doesn't "care" now doesn't mean she didn't care before...so never doubt the feelings from the relationship. She did care. You did mean a lot to her. Maybe not as much now, but at some point in time, you were the most important thing in her life. But life changes...

 

If your relationship changed and lead to a breakup, there is always that opportunity for things to change towards reconciliation. No one knows what the future holds. The only thing you can do is work on yourself as a person. Grow and become who you want to be. You will find the right relationship when the time is right; it may or may not be with someone you have been with before. Never rule out ANY possibility but be open to what life throws at you.

 

Change is the strongest predication of growth in yourself. Don't hinder your growth, be your own growth.

Edited July 19, 2016 by runup

[jenko]

I definitely agree with you and everything you wrote. I am prepared to move on with my life and make myself a better person. I am slowly realizing the breakup with good for my self growth and I need to learn to love myself before I love others. I've always had men in my life and there are times when I would be with 2 people at a time. Everything changed when I met my most current ex. I realize so much about myself through this break up and it's only been 1.5 weeks.

 

I never doubted our love and even though he told me he isn't in love with me anymore I don't believe him. I see it in his eyes, and I've never been this conceited but I know he was.

 

I'm glad my ex gave me the closure I needed a few days ago. But I will not lose hope. I will not manipulate any situation to be with him but I will wait for him to reach out to me. Somehow I know he eventually will, and maybe that's the hope talking but only I know what we had.

 

I've been in relationships where I was dumped and they never came back or ones where they did come back. The ones that didn't I always knew they wouldn't. I have hope that we can be friends one day. It's going to be a tough journey for me to self love and find myself while holding on to hope. He's worth it so I know I will be able to get through it.

 

Maybe he won't come back, but that's okay too. If he finds happiness in someone else it would also make me happy because I consider that unconditional love. I will love him no matter what. If I can't make him happy, I hope someone else can.

[serendipity90]

Keep this post alive and offer your own words of wisdom so we can all hope to learn and grow from our breakups...

 

I have been separated from my ex for a month now. She was the dumper and I still have not had full closure. I would be lying if I said I didn't have moments where I wanted to hate her. There were times where I questioned everything about our relationship. After all, we had been so close. She had been this person in my life that I always imagined being in my life forever, and she had reciprocated those feelings. I had went limited contact for the past month, hoping that I could grow and possibly reconcile at the same time.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay in contact.

 

I know, you think your situation is different. Whether or not your ex is feeding you "breadcrumbs" you need to understand that they ended the relationship for one reason or another. You are hurt, hence why you are on this site. It is okay and natural to feel hurt, to feel resentment, anger and much more.

 

***I want to pose a question for everyone... If you were to get back with your ex today, would you have any negative feelings in regards to the breakup? On the other end, if you were to never talk again, would you be hurt? If you answer yes to either of these, you are not ready to get back together. The most important thing you can do is go strict no contact and work on yourself.***

 

For me, I knew there were mistakes I had made in the relationship that led to a loss of feelings. However, there wasn't something so drastic to lead to a split. In this, I realized that for whatever reason, my ex didn't think it was going to work out and she left. Maybe she had "GIGS" or maybe this or maybe that. The whole point is that I STILL am slowly realizing that reasons don't matter. I know what I can do to improve any future relationship I may have and that's to move on. This past month I have persuaded myself I was ready to move on and that I wasn't interested in her anymore. I had definitely made progress, but progress can be halted if you make mistakes.

 

I recently met her for coffee to catch up. We talked like friends and a bit about us, she said I had changed a little and I saw she had too. But in my heart I knew I wasn't over her. I told her I still had romantic feelings for her, that I didn't see us being together now and that maybe in time we will grow enough to be back together in a new relationship much more in the future.

 

Guess what she said? "Honestly, I dont think I see us ever getting back together. I do appreciate you as a friend and for being so nice. It's nice we can catch up and still talk."

 

Wow. I know that is probably what no one on here wants to hear from their ex. This was the same person that said they still loved me, might be making a huge mistake ending it etc. (clearly those same thoughts weren't in her mind).

 

It may seem strange but I feel I'm luckier than most after being told that by her. So many people I have seen felt the same way as me about their ex, yet their exes weren't as forthcoming in the inability of getting back together. My ex has been very mature post breakup and her being able to tell me she truly doesn't see a future with me will help me to move on. It hurts a little now, but it has allowed me to no longer fiend for or even seek reconciliation any further... And to be quite honest, no longer seeking reconciliation has been the most liberating feeling I have had yet (post breakup). I now feel like I'm ready to move on. It is then I realized that the only thing holding myself back as a person was my hope for reconciliation.

 

PLEASE if you want to be happy with yourself and be content, do not seek reconciliation. If it is meant to be, it will be. I know it sounds cliche and perhaps you feel its not applicable to your "Special" situation but I promise you... And this is a promise: If you let it go, be who you want to be and no longer depend on them for your happiness, you will feel such a great sense of relief, you will find your own happiness, you will be HAPPY with or without them. But this is only if you want it, you need to make the conscious decision to no longer feel the need to be with your ex.

 

"If you love something let it go. If it comes back, it is yours to keep. If not it was never meant to be."

 

I made some angry fueled mistakes the days following the breakup, questioning everything about our relationship...

 

In the end I learned that I should never doubt how an ex felt about me during the relationship just because they don't feel that same way after the breakup.

 

People change...circumstances change...emotions change...

 

Just because she doesn't "care" now doesn't mean she didn't care before...so never doubt the feelings from the relationship. She did care. You did mean a lot to her. Maybe not as much now, but at some point in time, you were the most important thing in her life. But life changes...

 

If your relationship changed and lead to a breakup, there is always that opportunity for things to change towards reconciliation. No one knows what the future holds. The only thing you can do is work on yourself as a person. Grow and become who you want to be. You will find the right relationship when the time is right; it may or may not be with someone you have been with before. Never rule out ANY possibility but be open to what life throws at you.

 

Change is the strongest predication of growth in yourself. Don't hinder your growth, be your own growth.

 

Great post, I can relate so much.

 

Me and my ex's relationship collapsed after 2 years together towards the end of last year and we stayed together casually until February where I think we both could see it wasn't really going to go anywhere but we still loved each other.

 

I posted a lot about our relationship and followed some misguided advice that going no contact would make him miss me and absence would make the heart grow fonder.. it didn't and he has found someone else now. I did use the time apart wisely in going out places building my confidence, becoming more self-sufficient and made some new friends and I realized I had made a mistake in becoming too consumed in the relationship and not making more of an effort to improve myself and not respecting/understanding fully his need for space.

 

I've reached out to him and told him how I felt. I don't expect him to drop his new girlfriend for me but I would like to see him. He doesn't think I am ready until I can add him on facebook which would involve me seeing pics of him and his new gf together.. so slight conflicting feelings there. I want him to be happy but it hurts to see him with someone else.

 

I did go through some doubts about his feelings because of him moving on so soon but I think he really did love me and gave a lot of himself in the relationship. There were issues I had that stopped it from growing and I ended up pushing him away. I don't blame him for finding someone else, she has come into his life for a reason and it's not a race who moves on faster.

 

He met up with me after I sent him an email telling him how I felt and was honest with me and told me he was no longer in love and did not see us getting back together. I guess logically I knew he wasn't going to change his mind like that but in my heart I thought we just needed time apart.

 

I went through a period of telling himself he wasn't right for me but I've been reading books on relationships and doing some self-reflecting and realized most of the issues fall on me. I rang him and told him and said I would be open to meeting up if he wanted to as friends but I'm not going to hold out too much hope. I'm just going to go out and try to have a good time in the mean time. All I can do is learn from the mistakes I made and not make them again in future relationships whether that is with him or without him and it's important to find happiness within yourself and not rely on someone else for it.

[runup]

@Jenko I too know my ex well enough to see that she doesn't mean what she says. But she is going to stick with her decision because if she didn't, she would feel even more crazy. She has commitment issues and I knew this going in, but she had told me I was different. Yes, I was. I have enough experience in relationships to know if people work well together. The sad part is, everyone knew we were great together, and yet her issues forced distance between us which inevitably led to a breakup. The saddest part in coming to terms with moving on is that things could have worked out because "this" or "that". I personally don't believe in being friends. It's not that I don't think we can... I just want more from her than being friends, and no amount of time will change that so it's easier to show her that breaking up with me means not having ANY of me. It's more for me, but we both need to come to terms with the end and loss of our relationship.

 

@serendipity90 I agree. We both have been told that those feelings for us are no longer there. Even when you think you've moved on a little, it still hurts. I hope for a time where those words would lead me to indifference. But as was said, if they never come back, it was never meant to be. Coming to terms with that is hard. After all, this is the same person that may have envisioned spending the rest of their life with you. They might talked marriage, never imagining a world without you etc. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words and even the best people lie. Not because they intend to lie or deceive, but because they themselves don't know what they want. Both dumpers and dumpees are going through a learning process. I love my ex, but I hate her too. I love that we had so much in common, we got along so well and we made such great memories. I hate her because she threw it away, she gave up and she seems to have moved on so quickly. I aim for the day where I can look at a picture or memory with her and feel neither of those emotions. It will come, and we will grow from it.

[serendipity90]

@Jenko I too know my ex well enough to see that she doesn't mean what she says. But she is going to stick with her decision because if she didn't, she would feel even more crazy. She has commitment issues and I knew this going in, but she had told me I was different. Yes, I was. I have enough experience in relationships to know if people work well together. The sad part is, everyone knew we were great together, and yet her issues forced distance between us which inevitably led to a breakup. The saddest part in coming to terms with moving on is that things could have worked out because "this" or "that". I personally don't believe in being friends. It's not that I don't think we can... I just want more from her than being friends, and no amount of time will change that so it's easier to show her that breaking up with me means not having ANY of me. It's more for me, but we both need to come to terms with the end and loss of our relationship.

 

@serendipity90 I agree. We both have been told that those feelings for us are no longer there. Even when you think you've moved on a little, it still hurts. I hope for a time where those words would lead me to indifference. But as was said, if they never come back, it was never meant to be. Coming to terms with that is hard. After all, this is the same person that may have envisioned spending the rest of their life with you. They might talked marriage, never imagining a world without you etc. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words and even the best people lie. Not because they intend to lie or deceive, but because they themselves don't know what they want. Both dumpers and dumpees are going through a learning process. I love my ex, but I hate her too. I love that we had so much in common, we got along so well and we made such great memories. I hate her because she threw it away, she gave up and she seems to have moved on so quickly. I aim for the day where I can look at a picture or memory with her and feel neither of those emotions. It will come, and we will grow from it.

 

I guess I would like to be his friend so I can be there for him and we can support each other and also so I can show him the new more confident me and keep the lines of communication open. I've accepted he's in a new relationship although it's still a little raw hearing him talk about her and seeing pictures of them together so I think I will give it time before I contact him again.

 

I did feel confused a lot because he said he thought I was the one.. only after I initiated a break up because I didn't think he wanted pets or children and I think things just started to fall apart after that. He didn't mean ever, he just meant at the time and I dealt with it in a bad way. He started saying he wanted space and I didn't respect his need to retain his boundaries and thought he was afraid of getting too close to me and he was going hot/cold.. now I realise there must have been a reason for him not wanting to get close and maybe I underestimated the damage I did by initiating the break up.

 

I felt hurt, confused and rejected toward the end and told him I wanted to date other people. I was also worried our relationship was becoming about sex too much. Then he wanted space but kept getting in contact with me so I decided to cut contact as things weren't moving forward, maybe I was putting too much pressure on him..

 

I felt used when he expected me to pick up a tv from his mum's house after and was saying he wasn't sure if he wanted a friendship from me when I said no so I went along with it to keep him happy to which everyone said I was a fool but I think maybe he could see I was going no contact to make him miss me and he felt manipulated..

 

I tried to think of the bad times and things which bugged me about him for a bit but I don't want to feel angry or bitter. I have my good days and my bad days but I'm generally feeling better each day. It is what it is. I can look at photos of us together now and feel positive about how I felt at that time. It's better to have loved than lost as that old cliche says..

 

Sometimes people need a break from each other so they can experience life, other people then come back together even stronger - if it works out that way. Look at Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth and Pippa Middleton and her husband.

[runup]

I guess I would like to be his friend so I can be there for him and we can support each other and also so I can show him the new more confident me and keep the lines of communication open. I've accepted he's in a new relationship although it's still a little raw hearing him talk about her and seeing pictures of them together so I think I will give it time before I contact him again.

 

I did feel confused a lot because he said he thought I was the one.. only after I initiated a break up because I didn't think he wanted pets or children and I think things just started to fall apart after that. He didn't mean ever, he just meant at the time and I dealt with it in a bad way. He started saying he wanted space and I didn't respect his need to retain his boundaries and thought he was afraid of getting too close to me and he was going hot/cold.. now I realise there must have been a reason for him not wanting to get close and maybe I underestimated the damage I did by initiating the break up.

 

I felt hurt, confused and rejected toward the end and told him I wanted to date other people. I was also worried our relationship was becoming about sex too much. Then he wanted space but kept getting in contact with me so I decided to cut contact as things weren't moving forward, maybe I was putting too much pressure on him..

 

I felt used when he expected me to pick up a tv from his mum's house after and was saying he wasn't sure if he wanted a friendship from me when I said no so I went along with it to keep him happy to which everyone said I was a fool but I think maybe he could see I was going no contact to make him miss me and he felt manipulated..

 

I tried to think of the bad times and things which bugged me about him for a bit but I don't want to feel angry or bitter. I have my good days and my bad days but I'm generally feeling better each day. It is what it is. I can look at photos of us together now and feel positive about how I felt at that time. It's better to have loved than lost as that old cliche says..

 

Sometimes people need a break from each other so they can experience life, other people then come back together even stronger - if it works out that way. Look at Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth and Pippa Middleton and her husband.

 

I can still hear the hope in your words. It's not a bad thing, but make sure it is the right type of hope. I too initiated the breakup, and she took it as her way out. I didn't really want to end things, but it was almost as if she forced my hand to bring it up. She had been treating me differently and hadn't seemed into the relationship for several weeks.

 

I recently gave up hope. I don't want to have that thought in my mind..."maybe we'll get back together". I had told her we can't be friends when she first broke up with me, then a month after I said it would be okay if we were. She wanted to be friends with me but never took the time to treat me as a friend post breakup (after a month of NC). I would always be the one to reach out to her. I recently just asked to call her about something real quick and she said "I'm busy this week, maybe next week".

 

I know if one of her actual friends asked to call her, she would drop whatever she was doing to talk to them. That's when I realized it wasn't a real friendship; I still wanted a relationship and this almost "fake sideline friendship" wasn't for me. I told her we can't be friends and she said "okay, but you can't play games...don't try talking to me months down the road, this is your decision," and proceeded to block me from all social media/text etc. Whether or not it was intentional, she is playing a power struggle (I feel like) and I want NO PART IN IT. I feel a little empty knowing I will never reach out to her again, it's her decision whether or not she wants to reconcile. I don't think she will. There was a time I would have loved to be friends, but now I just want to move on. She's a different person post breakup, I don't recognize her. I was in love with who she was before the breakup, it's actually saddening.

[serendipity90]

I can still hear the hope in your words. It's not a bad thing, but make sure it is the right type of hope. I too initiated the breakup, and she took it as her way out. I didn't really want to end things, but it was almost as if she forced my hand to bring it up. She had been treating me differently and hadn't seemed into the relationship for several weeks.

 

I recently gave up hope. I don't want to have that thought in my mind..."maybe we'll get back together". I had told her we can't be friends when she first broke up with me, then a month after I said it would be okay if we were. She wanted to be friends with me but never took the time to treat me as a friend post breakup (after a month of NC). I would always be the one to reach out to her. I recently just asked to call her about something real quick and she said "I'm busy this week, maybe next week".

 

I know if one of her actual friends asked to call her, she would drop whatever she was doing to talk to them. That's when I realized it wasn't a real friendship; I still wanted a relationship and this almost "fake sideline friendship" wasn't for me. I told her we can't be friends and she said "okay, but you can't play games...don't try talking to me months down the road, this is your decision," and proceeded to block me from all social media/text etc. Whether or not it was intentional, she is playing a power struggle (I feel like) and I want NO PART IN IT. I feel a little empty knowing I will never reach out to her again, it's her decision whether or not she wants to reconcile. I don't think she will. There was a time I would have loved to be friends, but now I just want to move on. She's a different person post breakup, I don't recognize her. I was in love with who she was before the breakup, it's actually saddening.

 

I think if you're the one who wants your ex back then you have to put yourself in being the persuer but without coming on too strong and respecting their space. It's like having a test run but you have to manage your expectations too and be open to the possibility that they may never get back with you. I feel that the desire to maintain a connection is strong enough though but I'm not deluded enough to believe that he would dump his new girlfriend for me straight away and I would probably have to wait until it runs it natural course.. if it does and even then he might still not want me and I might find I don't even want him by then. There are no guarantees in life.

 

I did feel at times that he was playing a power struggle but I think he just likes to go with what he's feeling at the time when I just saw it as him keeping me hanging.

[Unscrewed]

Back to Day 1 of no contact again, lol.

Had a bit of a morning depression, now I feel ok.

[marky00]

I think if you're the one who wants your ex back then you have to put yourself in being the persuer but without coming on too strong and respecting their space. It's like having a test run but you have to manage your expectations too and be open to the possibility that they may never get back with you. I feel that the desire to maintain a connection is strong enough though but I'm not deluded enough to believe that he would dump his new girlfriend for me straight away and I would probably have to wait until it runs it natural course.. if it does and even then he might still not want me and I might find I don't even want him by then. There are no guarantees in life.

 

I did feel at times that he was playing a power struggle but I think he just likes to go with what he's feeling at the time when I just saw it as him keeping me hanging.

 

All of 2015 I did this. It was horrible. I was contacting like every 6 weeks or so. The reason why it continues was because after a few months she seemed unhappy and was saying stuff like "i'll come back to you if this relationship ends".

 

Well sure enough, after 11 months she finally told me that her new relationship had broken up. Her new Bf dumped her. Fast track to April 2016, we went on a "goodwill" holiday to the Maldives and kept up light-hearted contact for till July.

 

I suspected she was still trying to get her ex back. I was right. 3 weeks ago, she just disappeared, stopped all contact. I'm sure he came back so back to square 1.

 

So yes, this approach will work but be warned...... its exremely painful.

[SCooke]

I am at 29 days no contact. I said the words to end a year long relationship, although I broke it because i could sense that i was giving more than she was, and that it was heading towards an end anyways. It's as close as you can get to a mutual breakup, she didnt fight it once

Today, after 29 days, is the worst day so far. By far. I am struggling to keep it all together, and for the first time I'm getting this intense desire to reach out. Today the pain is too physical. I know i shouldn't contact her.

[Asterix]

I wrote a threat about breaking the nc rule and the consequences.

 

Breaking no contact in any way or form simply takes you back to square one. I was on the right track for three weeks and responded on a casual message. My answer was to leave me alone. Although the message is clear I allowed her back in to my head. I thought I was over her but learnt the hard way I wasn't.

 

Secondly the rule books are right about blocking social media profiles. I am not a obsessive checker but the opportunity is there and occasionally you will look. It also leaves the backdoor open for your ex to contact you. If they really want you back they will kick your door in.

 

Leasons learned

- No contact means NO contact. Don' do it because you can start all over again

- No contact means removing ALL social media ties. I was amazed how many connections I had with my ex. Undermentioned some closing tips

 

* Facebook (Voldemort of social media platforms)

- unfriend and block your ex you can't access his/her profile

- make your profile only available for friends. No public posts en hide your friends list

 

* Instagram (Excellent platform for leaving breadcrumbs. Sunset images of locations you have been together with vague hashtags)

- Block and hope h/s blocks you because if it is an open profile you can still visit it.

 

* Whatsapp (she/he is online!, she/he is not online!, she/he is online! ect...)

- Block!

 

* Snapchat

- Unfriend and block

 

* Spotify (Is he/she playing our songs?)

- Often forgotten but are you aware that anyone can see your playlists if they are not set to private?

- You can't block other users!

- You can't remove shared playlists!

[juliebijoux]

I got a call and text (within a few days of each other) from my ex of 3 years ago. I was really devastated from that break-up, and about a month after the break-up I implemented NC (no facebook, phone, text, etc on my end). I set a timer on my phone for 60 days because I figured no matter what, I could do no contact for that long.

 

I eventually started dating again now I'm married and pregnant. My ex messaged me congratulating me on my wedding last year by saying "I know how badly you wanted that." I didn't feel the need the respond. Now, right as I'm in the throws of terrible nausea, I see a message from an unknown number. My ex left a tearful message about a book he found that I gave him. I still did not feel the need to respond. Then, today, a few days later he sends me a text saying "at least I always responded to you :(" I came here to post, because it definitely affects me. I don't really know what I can say. We have mutual friends, and I always told him that if I saw him at a party I would be cordial and say hello. But I have no desire to call him and catch up.

 

 

TLDR: NC will eventually work. You will be happy. They will eventually contact you, even if you no longer need it. Stay strong:)

[Oktoberfest]

Just wanted to say what a great thread and such help. I'm embarrased to say that I'm a 45 year old professional man and I've never had to deal with such raw emotions as I've experienced in the last few months. I've been knocked for six and feel like a love sick teenager. Wish I'd read this thread earlier as I know it would have helped me deal with things sooner. Its good too (not for them) to see so many other guys on here in the same situation. We're always supposed to be in "control" of our feelings but at least I can see I'm not alone.

 

My stories a little different I was the dumper as I fell in love with a Friend with Benefits. There was no relationship except physical and when I declared my feelings I got a very hard response that they had zero feelings for me and it was all about the sex, which for the first year it was for me too. After the reply I suggested we should go our sperate ways as we were now not looking for the same thing so it probably wouldn't work out going forward. They agreed and we wished each otehr luck. I went NC but within a week started to get emails about being "missed" and "not seeing anyone else and could we meet up again" etc. I suggested that their emails gave of signals of more than just a physical activity and got back again the same reply that they were "just weird and it was only about the physical aspect and that they did not fancy me whatsoever". Quite a hard word to use and one which really didn't make sense with their behaviour

 

This continued for 3 months with several more emails about missing our time together etc. I went part no contact and mostly I've not responded but I've had my fair share of days feeling like utter crap, blocking / unblocking their email, responding to some msgs and even getting back together once for some great sex because I stupidly thought I was over things and we could go back to the way we were before. I guess the hardest thing for me is that I don't understand why I give such a sh*t, I know there is no future with this person but its as if my subconsious won't allow that and just keeps planting more and more stupid thoughts into my head?

 

Its been 2 weeks since the last hookup and I've been 100% NC. Then a few days ago I got a breadcrumb "hello stranger are you ok" message and replied "I'm fine", non commital etc. Yesterday, out of the blue, I had a complete relapse and emotionally seemed to go back to day one which is how I've ened up here in trying to understand what on earth if going on.

 

After reading this site I now know what I have to do and thank you to everyone else for shairing their experiecnes, good luck to you all.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Oktoberfest

[ashbash88]

My ex and I have been broken up for about a month and a half. For the first month we weren't in contact all the time but at least once a week one of us would say something to the other. He reached out to me only once the other times were me popping up to "be nice"...no idea why when I was the one who got dumped. We had a phone convo last weekish and he was still all over the place contradicting himself right and left and acting so nonchalant about the whole thing. That right there was it for me- 2 years and you are acting like there is no care in the world.

We haven't been in contact for 10 days now! Sometimes I am sad but at the same time I remind myself that he chose this. He chose to leave, give up, and not be a part of my life. Little messy because we have things at eachothers places- but I have decided to not worry about what he has of mine and just replace them.

[AT15]

You've been in and out for over a year. The way you broke up with me so harsh and rude, I had the right to never speak to you again. I believe all of the back and forth was due to me and holding onto hope.

 

For some reason, today I felt that I am ready to let go. It did take well over a year, but I do see now that your presence wished me no good. Your plan was to use me for when you wanted me. To lie to me, to keep sleeping around. Usually I would fantasize about the day you call or text, but I don't care if that day comes. I do not wish you well either. I wish me well. I see how my life fell to pieces after you left. You broke up with me for no reason, yet for every reason.

 

The thought of you getting married to someone else, doesn't bother as much. I think I can do better. Anything would be better than being treated like this from you.

 

Funny how our situation played out... I learned many lessons. Lessons about actions over words. Lessons about mental illness, lessons about once a liar and a cheater. I've learned how important it is to bail on the first sight of something being off.

 

Remember all the other women you preferred over me? That used to hurt me so much. Now, I hardly give a darn.

 

I deserve better. Much better. I'm happy I can move to bigger and more healthy things.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I'm not used to doing this kind of thing but I'm going to share my story with you all as I think it'll help. I accidentally posted my original post in the dating category rather than break-up, so i'll do a brief version of it here.

 

I was just starting to think about marrying this girl when she ended it with me, as you can imagine it was a bit of a shock!... Furthermore she's more or less my first 'true love' in my life at 27... I waited a month to give her space, my first experience of No Contact was due to all the 'get her back' websites saying this is the best way to get her to re-consider getting back together with me.

 

1st Contact - 1 Month after break up - I messaged, she called back, we went for a coffee and a pizza. She made it brutally clear that she wasn't interested in getting back with me. I begged, pleaded, bargained what i'd do, even offered to let her wax my a**-hole she'd joked about. No was her answer... She said I needed a 'fat homely' girl and she wasn't going to marry me... I have to move on. Furthermore she'd booked a holiday to go to Thailand where I was supposed to be taking her. She'd also started messaging a man the day after we'd split up (her facebook was still logged in on my iPad). The pain for this first month was unbearable, I lost 2 stone in weight and didn't sleep. I drove her back to her house, her parting comments were that we can be FWB when she's back. As seen as she didn't want a relationship with me I could be her sex toy.... I felt hope... stupidly, I'd had my fix and i felt better for a couple of weeks, then the despair kicked in again.

 

2nd Contact - 2 Months after the break up - She called me out of the blue from her 2nd holiday to Tenerife after Thailand, she explained how great her holiday was and basically just was thinking of me... I shouldn't have answered (My mum had been diagnosed with cancer and i'd broken a rib in rugby - life was not going my way)... AND It got me right back to square one thinking about her again. I thought 'she must care a bit'... I asked her if we could meet up when she was back to talk, she said yes but never set a date. The sleepless nights and loss of appetite started again. All the support from my friends and family till now was swept away, she dominated my mind again! A couple of weeks later without hearing anything I called her - I explained how her calling had messed with my head - 'do you still care for me' - I pleaded/begged - did everything you're not supposed to do. She said she's not interested, she's too busy - 'maybe in a few years'. Oh and 'i'm Lazy' and too emotional for her, she needs a man with the 'emotions of a cardboard box', if i'd known her well enough I'd not try to get her back this way.. I hit rock bottom and felt worthless.

 

3rd Contact - 3 Months After Break Up - I'm desperate for closure, I still just don't understand how it all ended so suddenly, no arguments or fights and so soon after a romantic week in Rome... and how I couldn't have done something, anything!. I thought she was the one. I sent her a brief polite message one day to ask if we can talk, just to get closure. No response... i spent the following day and night sweating. The next day I emailed her, she responded - 'it's not a good idea' thanks... I asked again... for my own well-being...please, i still can't sleep and the guilt is killing me! Her response - 'I'm too busy for the next few weeks, 'why don't you write something down' regards.... 'bitch'. I was shocked at the arrogance and complete lack of humanity... I actually felt better for a few days, maybe I dodged a bullet. F**k her... slept a bit better, starting to eat right again..

 

4th Contact - 4 Months After Break Up - She calls me 3 times in a morning - I answer on the 3rd call thinking something must be wrong, she's wouldn't call 3 times without something going on... I answer (I shouldn't have). She wants to have a catchup this lunch time, she's got a new job and exciting new things going on in her life - I work 10 mins from her house and she's at home unwell. I get a full sympathy story about how sick she is, how she needs looking after. Forget my depression anxiety and 4 months of pain, she has the flu and I should look after her.. STUPIDLY i agreed to go, this is where I can get closure I thought... How wrong I was, the same heartless monster from the 1st contact re-emerged. She'd already told me 'why' we weren't right for each other. That I shouldn't have answered the call if I thought there was something there, she 'just wanted to see how I am'... breadcrumbs... she wanted to know that i'm still strung up on her really. So I asked her to not bother me any more, I can't be 'just friends'. I drove back to work, heart pounding, sweat beading on my forehead - that lasted another 2 days before I started to calm down again.

 

And here i am, that was 2 weeks ago and the no contact clock is on 14, i'll tally every day until it hits a year at least now...

 

SO... Ladies and Gentlemen.

 

I am begging you, please don't do what I did! It will only prolong the pain and suffering and make you obsessed. If someone decides that you're not good enough to be in their lives, gladly slam the door shut. However much you love them, they don't love you any more, accept it and go full no contact. If they leave you breadcrumbs don't nibble, they're poisonous.

 

I'm only just starting to come around the other side (not thinking how I '****ed up' every minute of every day), starting to think she wasn't 'the one' and I'm starting to sleep and eat better again. Hang on in there people, delete, block, remove and discard everyhing. Make it impossible to even see anything that reminds or chances you to see or think of them, it really is the best way.

 

I'll post another update in a month or two.

[whatredflags]

should i say this and go nc or just go nc?

 

im done playing your games, and gettin disrespected by you and me lettin you walk all over me with all your mistakes and how you would talk about other guys in front of me.. for over a year i put up with it but no more.

 

congrats on losing the best thing that happened to you

 

 

Don't send anything, its hard, you want them to text back is the only reason you want to send it. But NC is there for a reason, to protect you from her responses, good or bad. That is exactly how I feel anyway when I send the "LAST" msg, its never the last, just the first of many!

[whatredflags]

I'm not used to doing this kind of thing but I'm going to share my story with you all as I think it'll help. I accidentally posted my original post in the dating category rather than break-up, so i'll do a brief version of it here.

 

I was just starting to think about marrying this girl when she ended it with me, as you can imagine it was a bit of a shock!... Furthermore she's more or less my first 'true love' in my life at 27... I waited a month to give her space, my first experience of No Contact was due to all the 'get her back' websites saying this is the best way to get her to re-consider getting back together with me.

 

1st Contact - 1 Month after break up - I messaged, she called back, we went for a coffee and a pizza. She made it brutally clear that she wasn't interested in getting back with me. I begged, pleaded, bargained what i'd do, even offered to let her wax my a**-hole she'd joked about. No was her answer... She said I needed a 'fat homely' girl and she wasn't going to marry me... I have to move on. Furthermore she'd booked a holiday to go to Thailand where I was supposed to be taking her. She'd also started messaging a man the day after we'd split up (her facebook was still logged in on my iPad). The pain for this first month was unbearable, I lost 2 stone in weight and didn't sleep. I drove her back to her house, her parting comments were that we can be FWB when she's back. As seen as she didn't want a relationship with me I could be her sex toy.... I felt hope... stupidly, I'd had my fix and i felt better for a couple of weeks, then the despair kicked in again.

 

2nd Contact - 2 Months after the break up - She called me out of the blue from her 2nd holiday to Tenerife after Thailand, she explained how great her holiday was and basically just was thinking of me... I shouldn't have answered (My mum had been diagnosed with cancer and i'd broken a rib in rugby - life was not going my way)... AND It got me right back to square one thinking about her again. I thought 'she must care a bit'... I asked her if we could meet up when she was back to talk, she said yes but never set a date. The sleepless nights and loss of appetite started again. All the support from my friends and family till now was swept away, she dominated my mind again! A couple of weeks later without hearing anything I called her - I explained how her calling had messed with my head - 'do you still care for me' - I pleaded/begged - did everything you're not supposed to do. She said she's not interested, she's too busy - 'maybe in a few years'. Oh and 'i'm Lazy' and too emotional for her, she needs a man with the 'emotions of a cardboard box', if i'd known her well enough I'd not try to get her back this way.. I hit rock bottom and felt worthless.

 

3rd Contact - 3 Months After Break Up - I'm desperate for closure, I still just don't understand how it all ended so suddenly, no arguments or fights and so soon after a romantic week in Rome... and how I couldn't have done something, anything!. I thought she was the one. I sent her a brief polite message one day to ask if we can talk, just to get closure. No response... i spent the following day and night sweating. The next day I emailed her, she responded - 'it's not a good idea' thanks... I asked again... for my own well-being...please, i still can't sleep and the guilt is killing me! Her response - 'I'm too busy for the next few weeks, 'why don't you write something down' regards.... 'bitch'. I was shocked at the arrogance and complete lack of humanity... I actually felt better for a few days, maybe I dodged a bullet. F**k her... slept a bit better, starting to eat right again..

 

4th Contact - 4 Months After Break Up - She calls me 3 times in a morning - I answer on the 3rd call thinking something must be wrong, she's wouldn't call 3 times without something going on... I answer (I shouldn't have). She wants to have a catchup this lunch time, she's got a new job and exciting new things going on in her life - I work 10 mins from her house and she's at home unwell. I get a full sympathy story about how sick she is, how she needs looking after. Forget my depression anxiety and 4 months of pain, she has the flu and I should look after her.. STUPIDLY i agreed to go, this is where I can get closure I thought... How wrong I was, the same heartless monster from the 1st contact re-emerged. She'd already told me 'why' we weren't right for each other. That I shouldn't have answered the call if I thought there was something there, she 'just wanted to see how I am'... breadcrumbs... she wanted to know that i'm still strung up on her really. So I asked her to not bother me any more, I can't be 'just friends'. I drove back to work, heart pounding, sweat beading on my forehead - that lasted another 2 days before I started to calm down again.

 

And here i am, that was 2 weeks ago and the no contact clock is on 14, i'll tally every day until it hits a year at least now...

 

SO... Ladies and Gentlemen.

 

I am begging you, please don't do what I did! It will only prolong the pain and suffering and make you obsessed. If someone decides that you're not good enough to be in their lives, gladly slam the door shut. However much you love them, they don't love you any more, accept it and go full no contact. If they leave you breadcrumbs don't nibble, they're poisonous.

 

I'm only just starting to come around the other side (not thinking how I '****ed up' every minute of every day), starting to think she wasn't 'the one' and I'm starting to sleep and eat better again. Hang on in there people, delete, block, remove and discard everyhing. Make it impossible to even see anything that reminds or chances you to see or think of them, it really is the best way.

 

I'll post another update in a month or two.

 

 

I feel like you have described my last 5 months, just with different circumstances. We broke a lease, cost me thousands and he paid nothing, and even after that I still went to see him in his new place, got the ute from my work to help him move, found free items for him to use like fridges and drawers and stuff. Then every 3 weeks its, I love...I need space....I love you ....I need space & time...WTF?

I have lost my zest for life, I don't eat properly and food is my passion, cooking and eating. I hate him for reducing me to this unrecognisable person. I don't want to go on dates, I just want to sit at home and watch TV and ignore the world. I have 3 weeks off work over xmas and I want to try to use that time to do the things I love. I did NC for weeks and then he gets hold of me and I cave, every time, I hate that I'm so easy to pull back in. But this time I'm determined to stick to NC, I've blocked his number from my phone, I've sent his emails to delete straight away so I don't see them, the only way he could contact me is by calling and leaving VM as you cant block that, but if I see one, and hear his voice I plan on deleting before I listen. I cant do it anymore. Lord give me the strength please?

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I feel like you have described my last 5 months, just with different circumstances. We broke a lease, cost me thousands and he paid nothing, and even after that I still went to see him in his new place, got the ute from my work to help him move, found free items for him to use like fridges and drawers and stuff. Then every 3 weeks its, I love...I need space....I love you ....I need space & time...WTF?

I have lost my zest for life, I don't eat properly and food is my passion, cooking and eating. I hate him for reducing me to this unrecognisable person. I don't want to go on dates, I just want to sit at home and watch TV and ignore the world. I have 3 weeks off work over xmas and I want to try to use that time to do the things I love. I did NC for weeks and then he gets hold of me and I cave, every time, I hate that I'm so easy to pull back in. But this time I'm determined to stick to NC, I've blocked his number from my phone, I've sent his emails to delete straight away so I don't see them, the only way he could contact me is by calling and leaving VM as you cant block that, but if I see one, and hear his voice I plan on deleting before I listen. I cant do it anymore. Lord give me the strength please?

 

WhatRefFlags - It happens to us all that are empaths. We give and give, but some people don't give back, they take!

[mano]

I used to be active over here like two years ago. Thought I had learned a lot and grown over the past few years. Wish I had stumbled upon this thread and stopped myself from making a fool out of myself man. Had I not begged and pleaded so much I'd feel so much better. Lost all the self respect and got abused badly. He does love me. It's evident from how he reacts to the littlest things I say but things just don't work out the way you want them to. Can't do anything about someone who just doesn't want to be there. Day 7 of no contact now again. I wish I hadn't broken the NC I previously started. I'd have been much stable by now. But it's the hope that keeps me clinging on to it. This time it's for real. If it's meant to be it will be. Sigh.

[idlesadness]

I was doing so well... I made it to 2 weeks but broke it yesterday. He replied for a bit, but then stopped. I regret everything.

[BoaConstrictor]

Today is the anniversary of a very sad day in your life. I'm the one who "dumped" you, since I was the attached one, yet I still care about you, and I want to contact you to let you know I know you are hurting today.

 

But what good will it cause? It might make me feel better momentarily. It might lessen your sorrow just a bit. But it also might give you false hope. But I still can't be the person you need. You still need someone wholly available to you.

 

E-mailing you to say I'm sorry and thinking of you today is something friends do, but I'm not your friend, am I? We have proven time and again that we can't be friends.

 

Not contacting you is the best choice, even though it's very, very hard for me, especially today.

[drewdude]

8 months since she gave me the "I love you but not in love" excuse and found out a few days after BU she was out getting drunk with a new guy from her college and back on online dating sites. She broke up with me via FB messenger after a year relationship that I invested so much in.

 

-After begging/pleading that day and she wouldn't have it, I had no choice but to go straight into NC. She made it clear she had 0 feelings for me(and oddly happened out of nowhere cause a few days before that all the signs of interest/affection were there)

 

-Signed up for a new gym to intensify my training. Made it a point to go 4-5 times a week even with full time work.

 

-Cut down weight and built muscle. I'm in the best shape of my life for a 32 year old.

 

-3 months after BU, I met this really nice girl. Better than my ex in almost every way..But I just wasn't ready to commit and I still feel that way.

 

-I guess you can say i'm not completely over her. While I am feeling a lot better than I was months ago, I still think about her at least once every day. Is it normal to still feel this way after 8 months? I'm usually completely over someone in like 3 months. But I did feel an odd change this week within me, as if my love for her is beginning to fade.

 

Also, still no contact from her side and nor will I budge and break NC. Just thought id share my story so far. Hope we all make it.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Today is the anniversary of a very sad day in your life. I'm the one who "dumped" you, since I was the attached one, yet I still care about you, and I want to contact you to let you know I know you are hurting today.

 

But what good will it cause? It might make me feel better momentarily. It might lessen your sorrow just a bit. But it also might give you false hope. But I still can't be the person you need. You still need someone wholly available to you.

 

E-mailing you to say I'm sorry and thinking of you today is something friends do, but I'm not your friend, am I? We have proven time and again that we can't be friends.

 

Not contacting you is the best choice, even though it's very, very hard for me, especially today.

 

When you are with someone for a long time, you should be decent to them and keep in touch, not treat them like you never met them. That is just cruel. They will always be your friend if you liked them or loved them enough to be in a relationship with them, you should like them enough to be their friend. I think the no contact from the dumper is just unnatural. You should do what you feel.

[gimlynick]

Brrrr,

 

It has been months since I've posted over here.

Broke up in march and NC since june.

 

These days are really hard. The idea that she is having a great time with her new lover and that I'm still broken...

When drunk I got very emotional and I really broke in pieces.

All those amazing memories come back, I wish we could talk. Even after all that she has done. I want this urge to talk to her to fade away. I've suffered enough.

 

It's time to really show interest in new girls. Now I'm just fake.

I fake my interests, I see through the girls, I compare them with her...

All but one thing were perfect about her. But that one thing is the most important thing af all... Honesty/loyalty.

 

It feels good to post this stuff over here. Nowadays I can't talk anymore about it with friends. They think that I'm over her.

I am not.

Thanks for this forum.

 

No Contact is the best way to let it go.

And I don't want to contact her. Ever. But I would feel so amazing if she shows up. Just a coffee together. To see that smile, to look in those eyes.