Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[BeStronger]

Can i just get a show of hands on the people doing NC?

 

How long has it been for you guys/girls and what are you doing to get your mind off it?

 

I'm on my almost first week of NC. There are moments when I'm in the "depressed zone" and moments where i feel NC helps me move on better. No hopes. No disappointments. No cold and callous texts. No hurt.

 

Just nothing.

[edogcooter]

It's been 12 days since she told me that she wasn't feeling it. A week before I took her out for her birthday and we had amazing sex. She also mentioned that she wished she was still in bed with me the next morning when she left for work. I also went on a double date with her the night of the breakup so I feel like I had no real indication that this was coming.

 

Anyhow, I texted her the next day asking if we could talk more about it and she said that I didn't do anything mean- there just wasn't a love match. I called and left her a voice mail the next day and received a text back saying that she was sorry and I had to move on. 3 days after that she sends me a birthday text and hoped that it wasn't weird for her to be texting that. I said no, it wasn't weird and thanks.

 

I thought I was doing well by doing the NC but last night I reached out to her after seeing her on Bumble. I was pretty surprised that she was on there so quickly so I asked her about it. The texts went from her saying that she wasn't sure that she could find love so she was on there to see if she could. I'm still struggling with finding out what the hell happened and told her that I wish that I had her emotions and was able to move on so quickly. She also mentioned that she was going to give us some time to see if she didn't overreact too quickly but I think by engaging with her last night via text, it probably pushed her away. I need to commit to the NC but I really loved this girl. Obviously, it wasn't mutual and she wasn't into it as much as me.

 

So I guess my question is that I signed up for this knowing that I was going to be one of the first guys she's dated since her divorce and I should understand that she should be dating more to discover what she wants? I know that I'm 5 years into it and she just got divorced and I'm trying to remember how effed up I was during my first year. I know that I need to let her go. Has anyone else had experiences with dating newly divorced women only to find that they weren't ready?

 

Thanks for reading....

[Link2]

It's been 12 days since she told me that she wasn't feeling it. A week before I took her out for her birthday and we had amazing sex. She also mentioned that she wished she was still in bed with me the next morning when she left for work. I also went on a double date with her the night of the breakup so I feel like I had no real indication that this was coming.

 

Anyhow, I texted her the next day asking if we could talk more about it and she said that I didn't do anything mean- there just wasn't a love match. I called and left her a voice mail the next day and received a text back saying that she was sorry and I had to move on. 3 days after that she sends me a birthday text and hoped that it wasn't weird for her to be texting that. I said no, it wasn't weird and thanks.

 

I thought I was doing well by doing the NC but last night I reached out to her after seeing her on Bumble. I was pretty surprised that she was on there so quickly so I asked her about it. The texts went from her saying that she wasn't sure that she could find love so she was on there to see if she could. I'm still struggling with finding out what the hell happened and told her that I wish that I had her emotions and was able to move on so quickly. She also mentioned that she was going to give us some time to see if she didn't overreact too quickly but I think by engaging with her last night via text, it probably pushed her away. I need to commit to the NC but I really loved this girl. Obviously, it wasn't mutual and she wasn't into it as much as me.

 

So I guess my question is that I signed up for this knowing that I was going to be one of the first guys she's dated since her divorce and I should understand that she should be dating more to discover what she wants? I know that I'm 5 years into it and she just got divorced and I'm trying to remember how effed up I was during my first year. I know that I need to let her go. Has anyone else had experiences with dating newly divorced women only to find that they weren't ready?

 

Thanks for reading....

 

Give her what's she's asking for: time and distance. Meanwhile, try to think what were you doing wrong and improve. It will be useful both if she wants you back and to attract other women.

[Altair0770]

So, I've just been curious...

 

I see a lot of people doing "NC" rule, sometimes for days, weeks, months, and all that jazz. Then I see people saying "I've been doing NC for 4 months, last I heard from him was 3 weeks ago" (that is breaking NC).

 

So, I'm sticking to my guns of being 100% NC. If I never speak with her again, then I never speak with her again. She is the one that has to make an effort to reach out to me. Maybe she will, maybe she won't.

 

However, I am curious to know what peoples opinions are on completely radio silencing your ex. And also if people that do "NC" and have had their ex reach out did NC in the term they just completely ignored them but their ex still had ways of getting information from you.

 

For me, my ex has no way of knowing how I'm doing. It was a LDR. When we split up I went NC for 2 months, posted how great of a time I was having on social media so she could see it. Never chased. Reached out to her after 2 months, made her happy. She found someone else and I went NC again, but this time told her to block me from everything and I did the same.

 

Seeing as it's LDR, there is no way she can come to my house and spy on me. She has no idea what my address even is (I met her at her place). I have her blocked on all social media. The only way she can see ANY "updates" about me is if she made a new account on Twitter, but I hardly even use Twitter anymore, and when I do, I certainly don't post anything personal. Maybe just a reaction to a sports game.

 

 

TL;DR - is completely radio silencing your ex more effective than typical "you can learn things about me via mutual friends, social media, ect" when it comes to NC or is it about the same?

 

If you've been dumped or dumped someone, did you get extremely curious as to what your ex was doing if you had no way of knowing?

[foofightingguy]

So, I've just been curious...

 

I see a lot of people doing "NC" rule, sometimes for days, weeks, months, and all that jazz. Then I see people saying "I've been doing NC for 4 months, last I heard from him was 3 weeks ago" (that is breaking NC).

 

So, I'm sticking to my guns of being 100% NC. If I never speak with her again, then I never speak with her again. She is the one that has to make an effort to reach out to me. Maybe she will, maybe she won't.

 

However, I am curious to know what peoples opinions are on completely radio silencing your ex. And also if people that do "NC" and have had their ex reach out did NC in the term they just completely ignored them but their ex still had ways of getting information from you.

 

For me, my ex has no way of knowing how I'm doing. It was a LDR. When we split up I went NC for 2 months, posted how great of a time I was having on social media so she could see it. Never chased. Reached out to her after 2 months, made her happy. She found someone else and I went NC again, but this time told her to block me from everything and I did the same.

 

Seeing as it's LDR, there is no way she can come to my house and spy on me. She has no idea what my address even is (I met her at her place). I have her blocked on all social media. The only way she can see ANY "updates" about me is if she made a new account on Twitter, but I hardly even use Twitter anymore, and when I do, I certainly don't post anything personal. Maybe just a reaction to a sports game.

 

 

TL;DR - is completely radio silencing your ex more effective than typical "you can learn things about me via mutual friends, social media, ect" when it comes to NC or is it about the same?

 

If you've been dumped or dumped someone, did you get extremely curious as to what your ex was doing if you had no way of knowing?

 

As you probably know from my other thread, I broke NC and I am only 2 months into it so I can't know for sure which is better (or effective).

I guess it depends on what you are trying to achieve:

1. Let her NOT know anything that is going on with you and let her guess

2. Let her know you are carrying on with life with some updates

 

I am somewhat active on social media myself, the only thing my ex can see now is my "open" Instagram account. I do not want to all of a sudden change it to "Private" and I do not want to stop updating as it seems extreme. I posts about my business trips and a few of my daily lives to make myself look like I'm living normal (and in fact also trying to be, while moving on to heal).

 

Funny thing is I found out my ex knew where I was one time through a mutual friend. She had no way of knowing that kind of information unless she deliberately checked my social media. I think a lot of exes still check up on us.

What it means? I do not know. Just to see how you are doing or miss you, could be anything.

Edited March 30, 2017 by foofightingguy

[PegNosePete]

I see people saying "I've been doing NC for 4 months, last I heard from him was 3 weeks ago" (that is breaking NC).

Absolutely agree. That is totally breaking NC.

 

I went NC for 2 months, posted how great of a time I was having on social media so she could see it.

... and how it that NC, exactly? You're deliberately passing information to your ex. That is breaking NC even more than the above example.

 

TL;DR - is completely radio silencing your ex more effective than typical "you can learn things about me via mutual friends, social media, ect" when it comes to NC or is it about the same?

I'm confused here. What exactly do you think the difference between "complete radio silence" and NC? Clue's in the name: NC means NO CONTACT. Not cyber stalking and passing secret notes behind the teacher's back. I think you need to read the NC guide that is sticky on this thread. You're doing it wrong.

[basil67]

I guess it depends on what you are trying to achieve:

1. Let her NOT know anything that is going on with you and let her guess

2. Let her know you are carrying on with life with some updates

 

If you're doing NC for the right reasons, neither of these will be what you are trying to achieve.

 

NC isn't about what they think of you. NC is not about sending messages. It's about you doing what you can to get over them. "The less I see of you, the less I will think of you". And it works.

[Altair0770]

Absolutely agree. That is totally breaking NC.

 

 

... and how it that NC, exactly? You're deliberately passing information to your ex. That is breaking NC even more than the above example.

 

 

I'm confused here. What exactly do you think the difference between "complete radio silence" and NC? Clue's in the name: NC means NO CONTACT. Not cyber stalking and passing secret notes behind the teacher's back. I think you need to read the NC guide that is sticky on this thread. You're doing it wrong.

 

Perhaps there is a misunderstanding.

 

There were 2 no contacts. First time I openly admit I did it wrong. Second time there is nothing. I know nothing about her for 2 months. My curiosity is if that seems to have an effect on the dumper if you are 100% absent out of their life.

 

In todays day and age it's easy to cyber stalk people, or get updates from mutual friends about an ex. If a dumper was curious to know how the dumpee is doing, is having no way to get that information outside of anyone besides the dumpee more powerful than if information was available from an outside source?

[soulforge]

If you're doing NC for the right reasons, neither of these will be what you are trying to achieve.

 

NC isn't about what they think of you. NC is not about sending messages. It's about you doing what you can to get over them. "The less I see of you, the less I will think of you". And it works.

 

 

 

I believe no contact should be exactly that.. no snooping, checking social media.. absolutely zero exposure to that person.

 

 

do you guys believe blocking and changing mobile numbers is necessary?

 

 

I have blocked my ex on whatsapp, and changed my number..

 

 

do you think changing number is necessary??

 

 

this would avoid any breadcrumbs coming your way, or checking if she has text all called all the time

[PegNosePete]

In todays day and age it's easy to cyber stalk people, or get updates from mutual friends about an ex.

It's also easy NOT to. Block is just 1 click. Tell your friends you don't want any updates and if they continue to feed you, tell them more strongly or just put your fingers in your ears and say LALALALALALA DON'T CARE.

 

Job done. Simples.

 

If a dumper was curious to know how the dumpee is doing, is having no way to get that information outside of anyone besides the dumpee more powerful than if information was available from an outside source?

Uhh, what? Who cares? If you're trying to get on with your life then you need to put this kind of pointless speculation out of your mind. That is what NC is for.

 

do you think changing number is necessary??

Generally not, it's quite easy to block someone from calling and texting on most reasonably modern phones.

[soulforge]

It's also easy NOT to. Block is just 1 click. Tell your friends you don't want any updates and if they continue to feed you, tell them more strongly or just put your fingers in your ears and say LALALALALALA DON'T CARE.

 

Job done. Simples.

 

 

Uhh, what? Who cares? If you're trying to get on with your life then you need to put this kind of pointless speculation out of your mind. That is what NC is for.

 

 

Generally not, it's quite easy to block someone from calling and texting on most reasonably modern phones.

 

 

ok so is blocking necessary?? I mean what if your ex is reaching out, and wants to reconcile, but you have blocked the hell out of them.

 

 

 

 

how will you ever know lol

[basil67]

ok so is blocking necessary?? I mean what if your ex is reaching out, and wants to reconcile, but you have blocked the hell out of them.

 

how will you ever know lol

 

You won't know. The whole point of NC is to help you leave them in the past.

 

If you want a chance at reconciliation, don't block them. Instead, tell them to not contact you unless it's to discuss reconciliation.

[basil67]

My curiosity is if that seems to have an effect on the dumper if you are 100% absent out of their life.

 

In todays day and age it's easy to cyber stalk people, or get updates from mutual friends about an ex. If a dumper was curious to know how the dumpee is doing, is having no way to get that information outside of anyone besides the dumpee more powerful than if information was available from an outside source?

 

If a dumper is curious, it's probably only idle curiosity. I can't imagine the source of information making much difference.

 

You need to remember that when most people are done, they are done.

[soulforge]

You won't know. The whole point of NC is to help you leave them in the past.

 

If you want a chance at reconciliation, don't block them. Instead, tell them to not contact you unless it's to discuss reconciliation.

 

 

 

here is the risk of blocking them completely.. in the early stages of a break up you are more likely hurting, angry, wanting to completely isolate yourself from the cause of your pain.. i.e ex

 

 

in that moment you may choose to completely block.. you may want to completely cut that person out of your life..

 

 

but over the weeks to come, your feelings could change.. you have had time to think about the relationship, you have processed your feelings.

 

 

you may then come to the conclusion that you are open for reconciliation, but by blocking.. you may lose that opportunity

[keiji]

ok so is blocking necessary?? I mean what if your ex is reaching out, and wants to reconcile, but you have blocked the hell out of them.

 

 

 

 

how will you ever know lol

 

If you dumped someone and after a while felt truly desperate to get them back, wouldn't you find the means to contact them? You can open as many social media accounts as you like, for instance. The idea is not to know about the dumper's life. If they regret their decision, they'll walk 10,000 miles if necessary. Unfortunately, they rarely reach out with the intention of reconciling, even if they just need a new FB profile.

[soulforge]

you have too keep in mind.. some dumpers are FORCED dumpers.. they had no choice..

 

 

In my case I was a forced dumper.. so not all dumpees are innocent people, who didn't deserve what they got.

 

 

some dumpees have bought this onto themselves by treating there partner in a poor way..

 

 

in that case.. is it not the job of the dumpee to actually reach out to the dumper to make things right and to reconcile???

[Bromeo]

If I may, I think it may be the women I've chosen to be with in my life, but although several have tried to rekindle old flames, not one has apologized. I think it is hard wired into their code that they are never wrong.

 

Ex wife left out of the blue and took my baby 900 miles away? My fault, all day. Lol

 

The ex that played push pull and crushed my feelings for months? Yup, my fault too. I should have just "gone away" after 2 years together.

 

It takes an enormous amount of humility to apologize to another person, and the ladies in my 38 years (totally empirical and subjective of course), simply find it easier to move on due to the wealth of options.

 

Look at this site. Follows the trend. 70% men, 30% women.

 

Point is, we are all looking for some vulnerability from our ex. A simple, "I am sorry for hurting you" would convey everything needed, and allow for the retention of dignity.

[PegNosePete]

in that case.. is it not the job of the dumpee to actually reach out to the dumper to make things right and to reconcile???

I don't think this kind of discussion is related to or helping the OP much.

 

Let's stick to the topic of the thread here.

 

If you want to debate whether NC or blocking is always a good idea or not then I'd suggest opening a new thread on that topic.

[magnesium]

I went complete NC to the extreme. It helped with my healing process, which was my goal.

 

I think NC is a great idea personally. It's not about "punishing" the other person. It's about taking care of yourself. As easy as it is to play victim when getting dumped, NC is a time to reflect and take responsibility for your actions or lack of actions with regards to the failed relationship. Learn and grow from your mistakes.

 

Whatever your ex did or didn't do, that's not our problem anymore.

 

All hail NC.

Edited March 30, 2017 by magnesium

[Ronnys93]

So right now I'm doing a no contact with my ex with one stipulation. I only respond when he reaches me back. It was mutual but the reason we split was because he was emotionally unavailable and he needed to get himself right. So we're supposedly "friends" but I want to let him reach out to me since he claims that I was always more invested in him. He's reached out to me twice since the break up and now I'm just slowly letting him fade into the background until he's ready to continue talking to me. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing. He's a great guy, but obviously right now there's no way for us to get back together in this moment. But I think that going NC on my end and just letting him reach me when he wants is best. Anyone ever had the same situation? How'd it work out for you!

[Gene Clark]

My ex split with me and we've been apart for 2 weeks shy of 2 months. She was my first love.

 

After the 2nd week of NC, I broke the silence to tell her how I respected her decision but still believed in us and told her how I needed her to know that I still think our love is worth another shot.

I'm not sure this was the right thing to do but she responded to let me know it was a hard call to make, that she is also in pain and needs time to heal. She said she'd consider my request but also said we should move on in the meantime, regardless of what happens to us.

 

The week after that I broke NC again to drop her the bday gift I never had the chance to deliver. My conscience is clear, I did everything I could...I'm no longer holding out for her.

 

I'm currently moving toward my fifth week of strict NC and I already feel slightly better. Music, personal projects and working out have been a tremendous help but the pain is recurrent. My chest still hurts when I recall our times together, our last breakup kiss, how we laughed and cried together before I walked her home and said goodbye.

 

She was the girl next door. It was an open door but now I realize it's locked until further notice.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Gene Clark

[Ronnys93]

My ex split with me and we've been apart for 2 weeks shy of 2 months. She was my first love.

 

After the 2nd week of NC, I broke the silence to tell her how I respected her decision but still believed in us and told her how I needed her to know that I still think our love is worth another shot.

I'm not sure this was the right thing to do but she responded to let me know it was a hard call to make, that she is also in pain and needs time to heal. She said she'd consider my request but also said we should move on in the meantime, regardless of what happens to us.

 

The week after that I broke NC again to drop her the bday gift I never had the chance to deliver. My conscience is clear, I did everything I could...I'm no longer holding out for her.

 

I'm currently moving toward my fifth week of strict NC and I already feel slightly better. Music, personal projects and working out have been a tremendous help but the pain is recurrent. My chest still hurts when I recall our times together, our last breakup kiss, how we laughed and cried together before I walked her home and said goodbye.

 

She was the girl next door. It was an open door but now I realize it's locked until further notice.

 

Sad, but beautiful. I think I may do the same with telling my ex that one day I do feel like we can maybe work things out. But for right now I also plan on doing NC and sticking to it until I heal.

[CptCodi]

This article has definitely helped me with my break up. I think it's missing some points that I'd like to add as I dive deeper into this subject and how I'm feeling.

 

Girlfriend of 4 and half years broke things off with me a month ago and started seeing someone else already; I'm absolutely gutted about it right now.

[RedWind]

I'm into 2 weeks apart with my ex from a 8 month relationship.

 

Right after we broke up, she's already started to talk to someone else. She blocked me everything from social media to whatsapp. Then right after her trip back from vacation, I started contacting her again. We talked and she felt no misery or any sort while I, myself, on the hand feels terrible for the past few weeks. I got her to allow me back to contact her again, but sadly a day later she went back and block me again.

 

I did whatever I could and yet despite the efforts and things I've done for her, I feel like all the fault is being pushed to me for causing the break up. Yes I admit I am by no means a perfect bf, I do take the responsibility over my mistakes, and yet the mistakes done was held against me as a reason for breaking up WHICH was not the very reason we agreed to. She even said it is entirely my fault.

 

I feel like she's looking for solid reason to not making herself look bad for dumping me and I'll be the jerk who deserves to be treated this way. Now I'm doing whatever I can to bring myself back up and recover from this pain.

[coledvids]

I am currently NC with an ex whom I was with for 2 years. The thing that's keeping me in NC is not willpower but shear and absolute fear; the ex before this broke up with me and immediately began seeing someone else. I have never been through such emotional pain - I can't risk going through that again so I don't want to know ANYTHING about the current ex's life.

 

But saying that, I'm finding this so difficult. I haven't even received breadcrumbs (although I did tell her that I don't wish to be friends because she hurt me too much). I have considered contacting her, but I have no idea what I'd say.