Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[Moeconfused]

No contact success after being dumped for someone else?

 

Success= the ex tries coming back or contacting regardless if you took them back or not and if so how long

[CT98]

Day 2 here, I'm sad/angry/bleary eyed/tired but I'm NOT a wreck, and I'm very proud to say that, I haven't let this break up own me like others have before. I'm still going to work, although maybe not functioning at 100% efficiency, I'm still eating and I'm still taking my mum's dog out and enjoying music (which is what my life revolves around).

 

Having said that I know it's still early days and there's still a lot more healing to come, so I'm not getting ahead of myself. I may even be in denial or shock, I'm not too sure at the moment.

 

I have been in NC since the moment I was dumped.

 

Facebook - GONE

Instagram - GONE

Her numer - not gone because I know it off by heart anyway, so there's not much point in deleting it. I'm NOT going to contact her though, because I know it only brings more hurting, I have learnt from this in the past.

[Just smile]

I've been no contact for two days he has so much of my belongings is it too soon to ask a friend to go to him to ask for my things? Or do I just keep quiet and drop off the face of the earth for awhile ?? I don't want to make him think I'm initiating any form of contact

[strong-hearted]

I've been no contact for two days he has so much of my belongings is it too soon to ask a friend to go to him to ask for my things? Or do I just keep quiet and drop off the face of the earth for awhile ?? I don't want to make him think I'm initiating any form of contact

omg same here ^^

but the thing is my x still has some of my stuff, haven't talked to him in over a month tho so idk if he's waiting for me to contact him to give me my stuff but so far i have gone M.I.A well i still follow his friends on insta and i'm not gonna put my life on hold just for him either!

[Boomshine]

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

I will absolutely agree with everything said in this post EXCEPT for this one particular statement. Although indifference WILL give you what it is that truly helps after a breakup, it's not the ONLY way of achieving this. And the true answer is this: becoming unaffected.

 

That may seem like splitting hairs, and to an extent, it is. I won't deny that. Like I said, indifference WILL give you the sense of being unaffected. But indifference is NOT the only way of achieving that.

 

I think back to the second woman I ever loved. We haven't spoken since Dec 2007. At that time, she was threatening a restraining order against me for still contacting her three months after the breakup in early Sept 2007. That essentially forced me to go NC finally (long before I'd ever studied any relationship psychology at all).

 

To this day, I still love this woman. I'm not IN LOVE with her, but I care about her, want what's best for her, and would do anything I could (while still taking care of my own needs first) to make her happy. But anything that might happen at this point would leave me totally unaffected. It IS possible to care about someone yet be unaffected by them. And if you're a true lover at heart, do not feel like you have to stop loving the person in order to achieve that.

 

You simply have to train this skill (being unaffected / emotionally detached from this person) just like you would any other skill in life. And it's not something that happens instantaneously. It's not something that happens after a single epiphany. In fact, you may have multiple epiphanies along this journey before you truly, without a doubt, feel that sensation of unaffectedness (yes, I'm making up words now). But that's ultimately what you have to realize here: You're not choosing to feel this way, and in the same manner, you can't choose to just NOT feel this way.

 

I have no idea if this thread is still being monitored/maintained, but if so, I would highly suggest changing the wording of this particular line for the reasons I've listed above.

[singsparkles]

I've got to say, this site and you guys have been amazing over the past year or so. I'm not a regular poster but when I have, the responses have been very helpful and honest.

 

Anyway, I went down the no contact route with my ex. I'd not spoken to her or had any contact with her for about 11 months. I must admit, I have seen her a few times and exchanged a few glances as unfortunately we work for the same company. This isn't how we met however, we were childhood friends and it's pure coincidence we ended up at the same company.

 

So yeah, 11 months of solid no contact was the other day, broken. She approached me at work and basically came straight out with it and asked why I had stopped speaking to her (I was the one to initiate NC). I could do nothing to avoid her. I did the usual explaining of how I needed a clean break. I must admit, it was fantastic to speak to her again as she was once my closest friend. We spoke about the past and had a great laugh together before she dropped her bombshell. She's moved on, in a new relationship and she now lives with this new guy. I sure as hell wish I could've moved on so easily.

 

It then hit me, it was like losing her all over again. Realising that she had genuinely moved on when I was still recovering was a right kick to the stomach.

 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult it is, MAINTAIN no contact. Ignorance really is bliss. She now expects us to be friends again and I'm going to try damn hard to make a friendship work but it's going to be a difficult road.

 

Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

 

All the best!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Such a great example why NC is so crucial! Your story helped me a lot. I definitely don't want to end up in a situation where I'm back at square one. NC it is, no matter how painful it is!!!

[singsparkles]

I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

LifeGoezon,

I felt the exact same way. In the end, I really just wanted him to feel shame for what he did and how he treated me. But in reality, he doesn't have the heart to feel ashamed for anything, he thinks he did no wrong. These people are called narcissists. Don't give up your dignity for him, it's not worth it. It will only add to his ego! I know this post you wrote was so long ago, but I hope you're sticking to the NC or maybe you have moved on by now!!!

[singsparkles]

I feel kind of like one of those cheesy testimonials you see on TV, but, No Contact has worked! It has given me faith in myself that I don't need my ex in my life to keep me happy. Love doesn't beg or plead. It is strong and steadfast, and by maintaining no contact I've been able to maintain my dignity as I go through the whirlwind of emotions associated with the breakup.

 

By the way, what is the 180 guide?

 

 

 

 

Love this post! So inspiring! Keeping NC really does help keep your dignity and bring your happiness back. Once you get rid of the bad, you're able to do whatever you want in life!

[singsparkles]

You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

 

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.

Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,

planning holidays and trips with my friends,

going out to concerts, buying new clothes

and i am exercising and eating well.

 

I am staying strong with the NC.

 

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.

I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.

I wonder what she is doing.

 

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon

i will loose the feelings i have for her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is exactly what I'm doing in hopes that things will get better! And they will, whether we see it in moments of darkness or not. They ALWAYS get better!!! Happy to hear you're focusing on yourself, thats the best way to get over something!! I hope you stuck to your NC

[singsparkles]

DISCLAIMER: I am only a first timer when it comes to breakups, so I don't actually have any experience with breadcrumbs.

 

Somethin I have observed, through scouring this forum is that answering breadcrumbs only seems to beget more breadcrumbs. Why? Because breadcrumbs are lazy communications that dumpers use out of curiosity in the dumpee's affairs, just to "check in". The dumper may do this out of a perceived obligation, ie, a birthday. But subconsciously they want to see if you're still around for them.

 

If you respond once, you send the signal that it is okay to send more breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs cause anxiety for the dumpee because they don't know "what it means", and the dumpee will just try to analyze the hell out of it. The best thing you can do is just to ignore it.

 

If the breadcrumb is supposed to lead to something more, they will make it clear that you know what their intentions are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You couldn't have taken the words out of my mouth any better! The dumper only contacts you every now and then to see if they still have a hold on you, for power, for ego. Its not that they truly care for you. The best thing we can do is keep our dignity and stick to NC and move on so happiness can actually find us. If we're stuck in the past, happiness will never find us!

[bigfred]

i have been in the no contact now for 36 days, after the first 26 days she finally contacted me via a caller id block, she did this for three days straight, finally i answer and she did not speak or anything she just sat there and listened to what i was doing. Im still in the no contact until she does a 180 if not then it wasnt ment to be. it has been 2 days since she called me, i have yet called or texted her since. we did have text chat that lasted 3 hours but i cut her off wasnt really going noware, she could have been drunk, who knows but, im on the no contact again even from her calling its the best thing you can do!

[lauri]

It’s been over a year since my ex girlfriend ended it with me. It was a pretty brutal breakup (as some of you may recall from one of my previous threads, if I want to see me how destroyed I was you can review it) and I initiated NC shortly after the breakup. My ex has tried to contact me many times in the past, sometimes successfully by pinning me at my door and other times through random numbers. About 5 days ago, my ex just called me on an unknown number (turns out, it is her work number) and I answered because I was expecting a call from someone regarding a project I’m working on (I was at work when she called).

 

First off, things have been going amazing for me. I bought a motorcycle, doing great at my job and I’ve been hitting the gym getting into shape. I come back on here often to view how people are coping and try my best to give advice to help them go through the pain and keep learning from what many of us on LS have gone though. I find that this site has helped me so much that I want to give back to it as much as possible.

 

The reason why I’m starting this thread is I wanted to point out the importance of NC. My ex girlfriend contacted me saying “She is very sick”. Normally, if I hear her voice, I’d hang up immediately. But, honestly, I don’t hate her and wouldn’t enjoy hearing that she is dying or something, so I listened to her for a minute (in case she has something like cancer and is going to die tomorrow, but I knew in my gut she was probably lying). Of course, she manipulatively said that to keep me on the line. She went on to say she wants to see me and would like me to help her feel better, she is sorry for what happened between us and she is in pain everyday because of how things ended. She says she thinks about everything that happened continuously. She said she can’t get over it and wanted to contact me to say “Hi to an old friend”. She was crying during the entire call too. She pretty much wants me back in her life, even after 1 year and 3 months, which I find kind of shocking and weird. Normally this type of behavior means that she wants me back – but as soon as I hear the friend word I realize that she isn’t interested and this is to serve her ego. If this was to happen to me without having the strength of going through NC, I probably would be devastated right now.

 

I didn’t bite nor am I even really affected by this…it’s a strange feeling. Maybe with some time I will be a bit affected, but it has been a good 5 days since this happened. NC really does eventually push you to the point of indifference and the longer you hold onto, the clearer things are and the more sound decision you can make. I think I’m over the past but I still remember everything that was said and done and wish that hearing her voice didn’t remind me of all those negative things that she put me through. I noticed myself even mentioning some of those things to her during the call to make her realize how selfish she is to call me to try to get me to help her “Feel better”. I guess, in retrospect, maybe I’m not completely over everything that happened if I did bring it up.

 

I’ve decided, a long time ago, that helping her feel better isn’t my responsibility and I’m going to stick to that. I didn’t have a long conversation nor did I even care about her “reasons” for breaking up with me – she kept mentioning that she wanted to let me know what really happened and why she did something “she didn’t want to do”. We all know that is BS, who would break up with someone if they didn't want to? She lost interest and thats the only reason I needed to know. She has put me through too much…I’d never wish for her to be in pain over this, but it isn’t my problem anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this? I don’t know anymore. Being indifferent to someone you truly loved is a really strange feeling.

Edited September 24, 2014 by lauri

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you handled that like a champ and I certainly don't think you are wrong. And dude, your ex is a piece of work. I feel that it's funny that she thinks that you are obligated to help her feel better about a situation she created. Way to not give in. I mean, it seems like you wouldn't even take her back romantically at this point. I'd be pretty turned off by her selfishness.

 

Either way, keep on trucking.

[True Gent]

Wow Man, you did good! I think you have handled it well, and you obviously have come a long way. I guess the most important thing here is to keep sticking to your guns.

 

You've nothing to feel bad about and you're right. She is just wanting to yank your chain to make herself feel better, nothing more.

 

Try not to over analyze it, you have reached a milestone in your healing. Do not let her into your head now.

[lauri]

Thanks guys. I just came home from work and she left a letter on my doorstep :

 

"I'm sorry about how things happen. You have never given me the opportunity to express myself and I thought this would be the only way.

 

I regret everyday breaking up with you. I never wanted to lose you, the pressure from my family to marry you made me do some crazy things. I look at other relationships around me and realize what I had with you was perfect...it makes me feel embarrassed everyday of what I did and how I did it.

 

I can't say I want you back right now because that's not realistic...I guess that I will say I don't know what will happen in the future. I want to talk to you and see where it would go...I haven't been able to date anyone because no one compares to you. I miss your family and I know that no matter what I say to you, you will never change your mind. This is the only way I could express myself without you over analyzing things or not believing what I'm saying.

 

I contacted you when I was sick because I have been so down and you are the only person who I believe can make me feel better. I'm not over what happened and its on my mind every day. I wanted us to breakup and restart again...but you disappeared right after and cut me off. I guess that's what I deserve for my actions and its not me trying to swift the blame to you.

 

I hope one day you will come see me in person so I can explain myself."

 

Guys, wow...thoughts?

[FortunateSon]

I can't say I want you back right now

This should tell you all you need to know.

[True Gent]

This should tell you all you need to know.

 

I agree.

 

I think she certainly has issues and she is trying to manipulate you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Guys, wow...thoughts?

 

More complete self-serving bulls--t to me. She still thinks it's your duty to make her feel better. It's all about her, her, her. I'd toss the letter in the trash.

[SoThatHappened]

Dang, man. That letter is just manipulative enough to make you think she wants to work on things, but it doesn't say the magic words anywhere. And those words are: "I screwed up and will do everything in my power to get you back."

 

You're so far past the hurt, but it's obvious this is screwing with your head. Can't blame you one bit. That would screw me up too!

 

I think there are 2 options, each with vastly different endings.

 

#1 You give in, get back together (which is what I think she's trying to get at), and then she breaks your heart again.

 

#2 You continue to live your life without her in it and meet someone who would never do what she did to you.

 

#1 = Bad

 

#2 = Good

 

I know these are complete generalizations and that every person and every relationship is unique, but it sounds like she realized she gave up something great with you. I'll have to read your back story.

 

Stay strong man.

[Purepony]

She wants to string you along until someone better comes along.

She made it clear "it I can't say I want you back"

 

Don't fall.into this trap! Ignore ignore!

[Simon Phoenix]

Dang, man. That letter is just manipulative enough to make you think she wants to work on things, but it doesn't say the magic words anywhere. And those words are: "I screwed up and will do everything in my power to get you back."

 

You're so far past the hurt, but it's obvious this is screwing with your head. Can't blame you one bit. That would screw me up too!

 

I think there are 2 options, each with vastly different endings.

 

#1 You give in, get back together (which is what I think she's trying to get at), and then she breaks your heart again.

 

#2 You continue to live your life without her in it and meet someone who would never do what she did to you.

 

#1 = Bad

 

#2 = Good

 

I know these are complete generalizations and that every person and every relationship is unique, but it sounds like she realized she gave up something great with you. I'll have to read your back story.

 

Stay strong man.

 

Not only doesn't she say the magic words, but she continues to talk about how she needs to feel better and how she needs to talk to him for her own stuff. There's a lot of sizzle and very little substance there. She still needs to talk about why she made the original decision and she still wants him to understand that.

 

It's completely selfish. The grass wasn't greener and now she wants him to make her feel good about herself. There's still very little acknowledgement of his feelings or perspective. That has been this girl's pattern from the start and this is just a continuation of it.

[me85]

You've changed and made changes in your life. It seems to me she is exactly the same person and has exactly the same problems. Do not go backwards. Whatever that means to you. Tell her that too much damage was caused and too much time has passed and your feelings for her aren't the same. Tell her you wish her well and want her to be happy but that you can't be a part of her life again.

Edited September 25, 2014 by me85

[mightycpa]

Hey lauri,

 

I have the perfect response for yo

 

Send her back a short note that says something like:

 

I read your note, and I feel for you. It doesn't sound easy. I think I can help you. I'd suggest that you initiate NO CONTACT immediately. It worked wonders for me.

 

Your old pal,

 

lauri

[Simon Phoenix]

You've changed and made changes in your life. It seems to me she is exactly the same person and has exactly the same problems. Do not go backwards. Whatever that means to you. Tell her that too much damage was caused and too much time has passed and your feelings for her aren't the same. Tell her you wish her well and want her to be happy but that you can't be a part of her life again.

 

I wouldn't even tell her that. He's already tried to tell her that and she still comes back with this stuff. He needs to just ignore -- no need to rescratch this itch in any way.

[me85]

I wouldn't even tell her that. He's already tried to tell her that and she still comes back with this stuff. He needs to just ignore -- no need to rescratch this itch in any way.

 

Ya he's also ignored her too and that didn't work either. I believe in brutal honesty. So I'm surprised I advised such a polite reply. He really should tell her to leave him alone and that he doesn't want to get back together or be friends with her.