Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[frigginlost]

Geez, she is so easy to read...

 

I would answer it like this:

 

Thanks for your note. Fortunately, I've learned so much about myself since you left. I've learned that I have too much to offer someone in a relationship, to allow myself to be bogged down in what - if scenarios. I'm glad that during our time together I was able to make you feel better, and perhaps someday you'll find someone who can do the same.

 

All the best.

 

If I was truly indifferent, that is what I would say after reading her selfish note....

[lauri]

Guys all great advice. I'm staying strong but this girl won't let me go. She hasn't gotten the point over this amount of time and I really really don't like to be the reason for her suffering - she is contacting me because the guilt is eating away at her and she cannot get over it. She is never going to get over this...I can tell already unless I forgive her and tell her I've moved on, then this pattern will continue.

 

I think I may finally respond if she contacts me again to make another point. Speaking with her won't kill me at this point of the game but cmon this is getting rediculous. I think I've lost count for how long I've been doing NC...

 

I know she wants me back and I know she realizes she made a mistake...but in all honesty, does anyone actually think her mistake is fixable? I find it hard to believe that it can be.

[Simon Phoenix]

She's the reason for her suffering -- you aren't. You didn't cause this, she did. Honestly, the only way I would advise you to talk to her is if you tell her, flat-out, to leave you alone. Tell her that you're done with it and she needs to be done with it and she needs to stop selfishly trying to emote all over you.

 

But only do this if she comes sniffing again. I'd still let this latest contact attempt go.

[Ben Dover]

Congrats man on handling that situation like a champ and posting on here for advice instead of doing anything irrational. Very smart. Always good to get some outside perspective.

 

That letter she left at your door had so much selfishness in it. Wow. Almost a reminder to tell yourself 'good riddance that's over and done with"

Expecting you to be there for her to comfort her and make her feel better while SHE'S going through a tough time and she even states she doesn't want you back right now? Psh. Get outta here with that.

 

I'm getting pretty dang close to feeling complete indifference towards my ex as well and yeah it is amazing the wonders NC can do for a broken heart.

 

Keep up the good work and keep doing your thing man.

[Arieswoman]

Please don't fall for these manipulation tactics, Lauri.

 

By the sound of things you have been doing great and are really moving forward with your life in a positive way - so don't let her pull you back.

 

You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form. She chose the situation she's in, so let her take responsibility for herself.

 

She wanted to be an "ex" so let her be an "ex" - permanently.

 

If she calls again tell her you're sorry but you can't help her, and she needs to stand on her own two feet.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

[True Gent]

I agree with the responses posted here. Everyone is talking spence, please do not let her manipulate you into taking her troubles on board. She feels this way because of her own actions, not yours!

 

You didn't choose this she did! Never forget that, where was she when you were broken hearted? Seriously don't let her play mind games with you. If you give her an inch on this she's use you to make herself feel better and spit you back out again.

 

There is no substance to that letter it's all about her. She has said she doesn't want you back, so toss it in the bin and keep on living your life.

 

Stay strong! You have done incredibly well!

[Summerrose2013]

Wow, I've not heard of dumpee being stalked by the dumper before!! Freaky!

 

Imagine if you did get back together and then you realised that was a massive mistake (believe me, you woudl see her in a differnt light this time) and had to dump her - you would have to take out a restraining order against her...in fact, maybe that isn't such a bad idea...?

 

As others have said, do what works for YOU. You need to totally disregard her feelings - you owe her NOTHING. She sounds massively self serviing and selfish to be still giving you this kind of grief after she broke up with you.

 

Maintain NC - she will move on eventually.

[lauri]

Everyone thank you as always for the amazing advice. Everything you are saying makes a lot of sense.

 

She called me again and I picked up to tell her to never contact me again. The conversation went like this:

 

"Before you say anything or hang up, I wanted to just say something to you. Did you get my letter?"

 

I responded saying yes, I did and I thought it was selfish and I would appreciate if she didn't contact me again.

 

She responded by saying this, which I'm not going to lie threw me off

 

"You're right. It was selfish...its selfish because I'm not telling you the whole truth. I was hoping I could get to see you in person to tell you all of this but I need to tell you what happened between us. Please don't hang up or interrupt me...just let me say this so I can finally move on and hear your respond.

 

For the last year I've been trying to sit down with you in person to explain myself...you never let me. I don't blame you that you didn't let me and I don't think that you are wrong in any way for what you did. I was wrong, I was wrong about everything I did. I was wrong to even contact you when I was sick...I hate to admit it but I did it so I could break the ice with you and hope that there may be a chance between us reconnecting.

 

I know in my letter that I said I don't know if I want to be with you...but I'm lying. I do. I just don't want to come off crazy and I didn't want you to just throw it away...there is no guy that compares to you. This time apart made me realize that I made a huge mistake and I understand that I have to live with my consequences. I don't know how long I have to suffer for my decision but I know that I deserve it.

 

I just wanted to tell you one thing - I never wanted to tell you because it would hurt you. I never wanted to end it with you...the reason why I lost interest was because of the pressure from my family. Part of my family were calling me a slut (explanation: some of her family is really traditional and I'm from a "different culture", but in reality, our cultures are practically the same. Her extended family wanted her to marry some guy back home that they wanted to set up with her) for being with you and immediate family wanted me to marry you immediately. It was too much...now that I'm looking back at it, the extended family shouldn't have affected my decision but it did. I'm stupid, I'm really stupid to let them affect me...I wanted to make my family happy by breaking up with you but I didn't make myself happy. My parents and siblings think I'm stupid for my decision...I just couldn't stand having my reputation ruined and being black listed by my family.

 

My immediate family loved you so much and everything else was perfect...I can't believe I let my extended family do this and ruin the relationship...the distance didn't help and I honestly wanted to end things to see if you were right from me and build from scratch. My parents and siblings didn't approve of my decision and thought I was horrible for what I did. I was horrible. With that said, there is no excuse, and I mean no excuse for what I did. I was wrong, regardless of what I was going through and I know that. I'm in pain everyday for letting you down and doing this to you.

 

I wanted to tell you in person so you could see I'm not playing games and so you could see I'm sincere...you always think I've played games and that isn't my intention. I just didn't know what the hell to do...I broke up with someone I was in love with and I found perfect...to protect me and I didn't want you to have to go through all the BS I had to put up with on a daily basis. I want you back - I really do...but I said I don't want to rush things because I wanted you to see me in person and realize I'm not what you think I am and that I truly regret, every second, every day that we are not together."

 

Me: "I don't know what to say"

 

Her: "I don't expect you to. Do you know how embarrassed and stupid I feel to be telling you this? I wanted you to see me in person when I said this. I just had to tell you that so you'd understand that I didn't want to breakup with you but the pressure was too much...looking back at it that was a mistake. I should have worked it out with you..this time apart made me realize there is no one else I want but you. Like I said, there is no excuse, there is no excuse to anything I've done or said to you. I just wish I didn't come off so selfish and manipulative...I'm willing to accept any decision you make because this is all my fault."

 

Me: "Thanks for telling me. I've got to go and process everything you've said...I don't even know who you are anymore nor do I even know if you're the right match for me. But forgetting what you did, that is very hard. Take care."

 

*facepalm....well that explains why she was trying so hard to get me back into her life...

Edited September 25, 2014 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

I'm not surprised...I think she is scared to get rejected by you because she doesn't want to lose the hope of you two getting back together. Well, she finally came out and said it.

 

You ex has been trying for so long (since I can remember you on here) to get back into your life. She made some horrible mistakes, some of them may even be unforgivable to me, but they happened and you can't do anything to change the past.

 

You hold the key to make a decision on this but man oh man this must have been quite the rollercoaster ride for you. There is a lot of heavy stuff she said there...

[frigginlost]

And there you have it.

 

The ball is completely and 100% in your court now. I would advise you to really, really, think it over. If you entertain anything, go slow!!

[Simon Phoenix]

Hmmm, well, she finally stopped the bulls--t for the most part and actually took a leap. At this point it's up to you to decide whether you can trust her again or if things are nuked for good. I'm not going to push my thoughts on you, but only ask you to ponder this question: What would happen if something stressful enters her life again?

 

It might not be family pressure, but something else will happen. Will she respond selfishly and throw you aside again? That's something I would really mull over if you have any inclination to give her another shot.

 

I will say that this thread, and your whole situation really, should be must-see reading for any recent dumpees who doubt No Contact because they feel as if their dumper would have too much pride to contact them even if they wanted them back. This woman tried to breadcrumb you pretty severely, but you sticking to your guns and not answering slowly but surely forced her to finally be truthful and forthcoming. Dumpers really will come correct if they are forced to. By staying true to NC, you have forced her to come correct and play on your terms, not do the "well, I was going to break up with you, test it out, and then see if I wanted you back" crap she wanted to do. I think she would have played games with you had you not been so thorough with NC. You forced her to leave her comfort zone of selfish garbage a bit.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck here. I'm pretty opinionated, but I'm going to sit this one out for the most part and leave it up to you.

[lauri]

I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty confused. This was not how I wanted this thread to be...I wanted it to be about the celebration of me being indifferent lol. I think I jinxed myself by writing it in the first place.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am over her. That doesn't mean I couldn't develop feelings for her again...I just can't really process everything that has happened over the last few days yet.

Edited September 25, 2014 by lauri

[me85]

Wow. You really did give her the facepalm. So she broke up with you a year ago, but not because of cheating or lying...To me, it sounds like you no longer have feelings of true love for her and have moved on.

 

It took her a long time to finally cut to the chase and be straight forward with you so it's going to take you a while to respond the same way to her. The best thing to do in your situation is if she contacts you again to tell her what you've already told her...that you need some time and space because it's all very sudden and unexpected. Maybe even tell her that you honestly just don't know how you feel about her.

 

I don't think you're confused necessarily...just really surprised that she told you all of that.

 

It's your call but IMO, she really seems sincere and has been persistent with trying to be a part of your life again for quite sometime. She didn't cheat on you...I mean, it sounds like the two of you could make a go of it again but slowly...first as friends.

Edited September 25, 2014 by me85

[Simon Phoenix]

Bump this to continue the discussion.

[Elle1975]

I have to say I would be pretty confused too. I still wouldn't trust what she said, if I was in your shoes. In the back of my mind I'd be thinking she changed her mind about me and came up with a good excuse about why she broke up in the first place.

 

I'd feel that way because "fool me once", you know?

[True Gent]

Well at least she has finally made it clear at last.

 

I think enough time has passed on your behalf now that you could walk away from this and get on with your life if you want to. It's almost like role reversal now and not many people get that opportunity.

 

Tha ball is in your court, I don't know the full background so can't really comment on her as a person. You on the other hand know her very well, could you go through it all again? Has she changed?

 

It's up to you and you need to digest it.

[lauri]

I have so many mixed emotions at the moment. I'm overwhelmed...I keep wondering if she is coming back because things didn't work out with another guy...she told me that she felt so much pressure and felt she hadn't experienced life (family wouldn't let her do much). Shortly after the breakup, she tried to date other guys but couldn't because I was always in her heart and on her mind. I don't know if that is BS or true. I believe her that she realized she lost something great with me but I don't know if that "great" relationship could ever exist again.

 

What are the things I should be looking for to determine if she is even worth taking back?

Edited September 26, 2014 by lauri

[BC1980]

What are the things I should be looking for to determine if she is even worth taking back?

 

I would start with asking yourself if you trust her? If the answer is no (which I assume it is), how can she restore your trust? Is it possible to restore the trust, and how long would it take? Is it worth it to you? I don't think these are black and white answers, and it would take some discussion with her. You have to decide if it's worth it to step out on a limb and become emotionally involved with her again on any level because you would need to have a discussion with her at some point.

 

I think it's also important to consider how her culture/parents/family influenced her and if she will let that happen again. How do you know that won't happen at some point in the future? Those types of issues can present themselves further down the line and become real problems, even after years.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have so many mixed emotions at the moment. I'm overwhelmed...I keep wondering if she is coming back because things didn't work out with another guy...she told me that she felt so much pressure and felt she hadn't experienced life (family wouldn't let her do much). Shortly after the breakup, she tried to date other guys but couldn't because I was always in her heart and on her mind. I don't know if that is BS or true. I believe her that she realized she lost something great with me but I don't know if that "great" relationship could ever exist again.

 

What are the things I should be looking for to determine if she is even worth taking back?

 

Basically trust. Can you really trust her again after all this? Can you trust her to remain true to you and not flake again at the sign of adversity? The fact that she let her extended family -- and not her immediate family -- hold that kind of impact is a bit of a red flag. There are going to be other issues that arise, is she capable of staying strong and loyal and not being flighty?

 

But basically you have to decide whether it's possible for Humpty-Dumpty to be put back together again. I had a similar situation where an ex who dumped me (and was pretty nasty to me at times) came back in a rush like yours did over a year after the fact telling me that she made a mistake and she wanted to try again. While the attraction and chemistry was still there, I personally could not make that leap again and let sleeping dogs lie. You have to search within yourself to see if you can walk on that ledge again.

 

Honestly, this isn't a decision you should make now. Right now you are overwhelmed because she came way over the top and threw you off. I would let this marinate for weeks, even months.

[lauri]

I don't trust her at all.

 

She was honest with me telling me that she isn't going to lie that she did date a few other guys on one or two dates and nothing materialized because they all had red flags, so she cut them off. She was interested in a few guys here and there but as she got to know them she lost interest.

 

She did mention there was one guy she liked a lot but couldn't be with him due to complications and red flags he had. She knew she couldnt be with him long term so she didnt even bother dating him or getting too attached. She "still thinks about him sometime" as she said she wants to be honest with me about these things, saying that she doesn't want to be with him. To me that's a red flag and I didn't react to well to that...but I understand that she had to go on a few dates and meet other people to come to her realization.

Either way, I know what a lot of you are going to say about that.

 

I mean, is this something that is acceptable? She kept saying that what happened after we broke up doesn't matter, and I simply said if it effects me and her in the future it does. I guess I'm just worried that I'm "Plan B"...

 

She also said that she has a lot of mixed emotions herself. I can tell she likes me but I guess I've been pretty negative while I met her in person regarding what happened. I realized during this, I'm not over what she did to me during the breakup.

 

Good news is I don't care if we get back together or not.

[True Gent]

Going off your latest post I truly think you are better off without her in your life.

 

She sounds very mixed up and realistically I don't think she can do being alone. She probably does hold some feelings for you, but it sounds like you are her familiar and safe choice to me.

 

I don't think you could build anything stable or solid with this person. The good thing is that you have rebuilt your own life enough to not be set back in a big way by this latest correspondence with her.

 

You know the answer to this already I think... Leave her to it.

[savanablue]

I'm new here and looking for some insight.

 

It's been NC from my now ex. I think? I don't even know. We spoke in the morning then she just stopped. I don't even know what is going on. We had plans to meet but the waiting game hit.

 

Should I continue or leave it? I'm so lost,confused, hurt and angry.

[lauri]

Going off your latest post I truly think you are better off without her in your life.

 

She sounds very mixed up and realistically I don't think she can do being alone. She probably does hold some feelings for you, but it sounds like you are her familiar and safe choice to me.

 

I don't think you could build anything stable or solid with this person. The good thing is that you have rebuilt your own life enough to not be set back in a big way by this latest correspondence with her.

 

You know the answer to this already I think... Leave her to it.

 

You're right.

 

I've never had so many mix emotions right now. My situation is confusing because it was long distance and things ended immediately after I came home. I think she believes if I never left we would have never broke up.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is it okay she liked a few other while we weren't talking? To be fair, I did date a few girls myself too...nothing clicked.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're right.

 

I've never had so many mix emotions right now. My situation is confusing because it was long distance and things ended immediately after I came home. I think she believes if I never left we would have never broke up.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is it okay she liked a few other while we weren't talking? To be fair, I did date a few girls myself too...nothing clicked.

 

That's something that's up to you. If you can't get past it, then don't try. There's no need to force this. My gut feeling is that you should say "thanks but no thanks" and move on based on what you are writing.

[True Gent]

That's something that's up to you. If you can't get past it, then don't try. There's no need to force this. My gut feeling is that you should say "thanks but no thanks" and move on based on what you are writing.

 

Exactly this^^