Consolidated discussion: The No Contact Guide and No Contact process and experience

[xpaperxcutx]

finally going full NC.

 

 

I've been really weak in this regard, but after ending up begging him and having him put me down again, I just had enough. I did this to myself by not letting go before and I finally came to the conclusion that my ex is never coming back.

[Little One]

So I'm on day I think 11 of NC. I'm writing here instead of checking his fb. I can't stop thinking of him tonight. Even though he hates me I still love and miss him. I wonder how long it will take to finally heal.

[Mortana]

So I'm on day I think 11 of NC. I'm writing here instead of checking his fb. I can't stop thinking of him tonight. Even though he hates me I still love and miss him. I wonder how long it will take to finally heal.

 

Hang in there and everytime you're tempted to write him pr check out hos social media, come here and post instead. There is no sure timeline and you will have good and bad days, but you WILL het through them and it will hurt less and less, I can promise you that! One day you will wake up and realize that even if it still hurts, you're okay and you will get better every day.

 

I've been spiralling for the half of this month and one day decided that enough is enough. I'm still healing and I still miss him sometimes, but I'm also moving on with my life and working to better myself, as should you. I'm probably seeing him at a party a few days from now and if the thought made me panicked just a week ago, I now feel calm. Come what may, as long as I work on myself I know I will be good in the end. Healing takes time but you will get better!

[Carriages]

I'm currently someone struggling with NC. Been two weeks and barely holding...

 

I guess one of the "temptations" is that we don't know what our ex-partners are thinking. We fantasize they just *might* be teetering on the edge and that perfectly timed, perfectly worded txt from us will just be enough to tip the balance back in our favour.

 

I think this way, then remind myself that NC is for me.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm currently someone struggling with NC. Been two weeks and barely holding...

 

I guess one of the "temptations" is that we don't know what our ex-partners are thinking. We fantasize they just *might* be teetering on the edge and that perfectly timed, perfectly worded txt from us will just be enough to tip the balance back in our favour.

 

I think this way, then remind myself that NC is for me.

 

Permit me to comfort you with the fact that, guess what?

They don't know what you're thinking, either.

This is why an awful lot of dumpers message their exes anything between a fortnight and a month after dumping them, with the most common message being something along the lines of "Hey, just wanted to see if you're ok, I miss you, I'm sorry I hurt you, hope you're all right...."

 

This is known as 'the breadcrumb text/message'.

 

What they're doing is to first of all, attempt to relieve their own guilt. I mean, if you reply, then, you're ok... you're engaging with them, so, you must be thriving and feeling not too bad, so, they're forgiven.... right?

 

Secondly, they would like to believe that you miss them/are thinking of them, and the best way to do that (thereby feeding their own ego) is to contact you and revive or reinforce the image of them in your mind.

 

It's absolutely vital that no matter what their message, no matter what they say, no matter what their method of hailing your attention - you do NOT under any circumstances, respond.

 

If you do - YOU are the one 'breaking No Contact'.

They cannot break contact, unless they succeed in tempting you to reply.

If you don't reply - NC is not broken.

They're left hanging.

Remember: They're primarily contacting you for their own benefit. Not yours.

 

NC.

 

THE way to go.....

[Snix0805]

It's been two weeks three days since the breakup and I have emotionally tortured myself. I have gone NC on Nov. 2 but cheated myself because I still stalked him and asked mutual friends to check uo on him. Today is day 5 but just the day I truly did not contact him at all.

 

Like many others, I am doing NC for all the wrong reasons to make him miss me and regret leaving me though my logical side perfectly knows what it needs to do at this time.

 

I am currently unemployed but have not been able to put much energy on it and decided to cancel all my interviews. I have been having frequent panic attacks oer day especially when A memory of him suddenly pops leading me to svoid going out at all to avoid memories of our dates and leaving my house to avoid the memories left in it.

 

I don't know how to go about in life right now as today I also realized how overhwelmingly lonely it is becuase when he left me, i lost my social life too

[Ifeelok]

So I'm on day I think 11 of NC. I'm writing here instead of checking his fb. I can't stop thinking of him tonight. Even though he hates me I still love and miss him. I wonder how long it will take to finally heal.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel, i was dumped after almost 5 years together back in June. We had just got back from a vacation trip in Oregon, and she dumped me giving me the excuse of "I just need to find myself". 1 month after the break up shes in a relationship with her co worker. It still hurts to know she moved on so quickly. NC is hard but its worth it trust me, you just have to keep telling yourself you can do it, that you deserve better. Just have faith.

 

My advice is keep away from your phone as much as you can, hit the gym. talk to friends or even listen to music super loud cry if you have to and just let nature take its course. I was 4 months NC, until she called me 2 weeks ago just to say that she didnt leave me for him that "it just happened" trust me, its best to keep away and not know anything in time you will see its in the past and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[foam12]

No Contact is interesting to me in helping me after this break up. I was dumped two weeks ago and it caught me totally off guard, and we spoke through everything about a week ago, which helped us both get closure and gave us lessons to improve ourselves. Since then we have been sorting through some living situation stuff... I started NC, but it lasted only two days because something that was kind of important came up on the third day and needed to be addressed, and needed to be resolved by both of us external to our relationship. Now starting over at day 1 of NC. The weird thing about no contact for me is that it isn't necessarily helping me get over her or having hopes of a second chance. After we spoke about the break up, I began dealing with it in my own way killing the relationship off in my mind; the only thing that is different with this break up is that it actually ended on good terms after we talked through everything. I guess having a lot of people close to me pass away during my late teens and early twenties had given me the ability to move on a little quicker than others since I became accustomed to losing loved ones permanently. I am using NC now as a way to help me with my patience because that has always been an issue for me where if something came to my mind I would just say it or send a text. A lot of people in this forum say they use NC to get over their ex or try to get a second chance, which may or may not help, but I am using it as self-improvement. Just thought I would share what I am using NC for.

[lostintransl8tion]

My ex girlfriend and I met 14 months ago in a small town in Asia where we are part of a small expat community and we teach in the same school. We got together almost as soon as we met. She was always more serious about me than I was her, and she wanted a different lifestyle. Whilst I enjoy going out with friends she wanted to drink til the early hours during the week. We had a lot of amazing times together and travelled a lot together and we had a lot of shared interests. However, the combination of me not returning her affection and us wanting different lifestyles led to us drifting apart and her resenting me. This also led to her spending a lot of time with a guy who moved to our town and joined our social circle.

Two months ago her constant drinking and angry moods led me to break up with her, but I regretted it instantly and wished I had just worked things out with her. I went through the usual bargaining stage and we both found it hard to let go. She told me how much she wanted thing about to be friends and because I valued her and missed her I agreed and we used to lunch a lot together during the first month of our break up, I don’t do this anymore I only see her when we are with mutual friends.

The worst thing about this that I don’t know how to deal with is that because we have such a small expat community in our city we have all the same friends. All the advice on break ups says to go no contact and go out and do things as much as possible, but the more I go out and do things the more I see her. Not only do I see her, but I see her replacing me with the guy she is now spending quite literally all her time with her and they behave like a couple, sharing everything and going everywhere together. Every time I go out for meals with friends or sporting activities I come home feeling crushed after spending the night seeing her look at him the way she used to look at me and laughing at his jokes the way she used to laugh at me. I know they are not sleeping together yet as he only broke up with is girlfriend 2 weeks ago., but when I mentioned the issue to her about a month into the break up, she said she was ‘not planning’ to sleep with him which basically inferred she was. I know it is almost inevitable and if within a few weeks I will have to deal with the fact that they are together.

I accept that I messed up and of course she will want to move on, I just wish I didn’t have to see it. Arguably I don’t have to see it, but this would basically involve not going out at all because all the social opportunities in my city involve the two of them, so it kind of feels like my options are out to go out and have my face rubbed in the fact that she is replacing me or to be socially ostracized from my community. Is no contact possible and desirable in my situation?

[chinadiary]

I'm trying to do NC. I know it's the best way. But it's so HARD.

 

I work abroad and as a result, most of my contact with friends and family is online. It makes it SO easy to check up on him. I don't want to. But I do.

 

I've managed not to communicate with him at all for 13 days. But the online bit... too easy to give in.

 

9 year relationship that I moved to Asia to get away from and due to his pleading and promises to change, continued once I got here. I feel like such a fool because, obviously, he didn't change despite his declarations of love and desperation.

[AT15]

I was holding on to the thoughts of him returning to me, then I was calling psychics to get in his head. But, now I realize it is delaying my healing. I'll always be stuck in this after break up emotion if I don't let go of him and the relationship.

 

And the crazy thing is... I wasn't crazy about the relationship anyways. I liked the good parts, but he was off in many ways. Ways that held me back. He had a wandering eye. He wasn't completely in love and committed to me. I try reminding myself that he couldn't give me the love that I deserved. He just couldn't. I wanted to be loved in a way that he couldn't give. I love with all of me. And I wanted him to do the same. And he couldn't.

 

So,, now he is gone. I miss him. I still love him, especially his banter. His sex. We had amazing sex. We had amazing emotional moments, I would tap into his feelings. We had some crazy love at times.

I'm no contact. It's been two weeks since he moved out.

I know if I accept the end I will heal quicker. So, now it's me walking away from the hope and moving on with my life.

I would love to erase the memories. They hurt.

[chinadiary]

I feel the same way. It wasn't a perfect relationship. He admired other women from afar which made me feel crap about myself.

 

He got in touch yesterday, telling me he was in pain. I replied that I was too. I shouldn't have done because I got nothing back. I feel like it was just him fishing, to see if I was still on the hook.

 

I hate this. At my age, I should NOT be acting this way. It's pathetic.

[Lostsoul1234]

what a great site and so many people going through the same thing which is good as everybody can share there experiences, which i would like to do as i am now leaving him be

 

me and my partner were together 2 years but we kept arguing, honestly i think it was because he was basicly living here and i have always been independent and wasn't use to somebody basicly being under my feet when i got home from work etc and he was stressed with work etc.

 

we split amicably and yes admittedly i sent text and emails as after i missed him.

i went 11 days not speaking to him after that.....i did have to contact him about a few things after the 11 days it wasnt an excuse to talk to him, and when i did he was pleased to hear from me he said he missed us me and my daughter who he was close with and loved us to bits, but couldn't come back to the argument's, to which i agreed i didnt want to go back to that either.

his still been keeping in contact with my daughter as she looked at him as a father figure.

 

 

he said he needed time, because when he left here it broke his heart and now his head wasnt in the right place and he needed to self heal and look at what he wanted.

because if he was going to come back he had to know it was because he wanted to be with me 100% and give me 100% , because if he came back now nothing would change and the resentment and arguments would continue.

 

a week passed and i was getting ready to go out with my friend and i got a text Have a great evening from him to which i replied how did you know i was going out as i am not on facebook, he replied i am clever to which i laughed.

 

i later found out that my daughter had been chatting to him and they never spoke about me or what i was doing but she has dropped i was going out.

 

so i geuss thay answers how he knew i was going out lol

 

The next morning i received a message saying he had been thinking about me which i am sure he had as he knew i had been out lolol

 

we decided to meet up (yes i am not a child and i know the rules about meeting up with an ex) i also knew me going over there was not going to get him back.

 

anyway i did and we chatted and laughed and he said i just need time thats all and i am not asking you wait around and i know there is a risk your meet someone else i know that risk.

i just cant handle the arguments we had and just scared there return to split up again and us all really hurt again he said i cant go through this hurt again, none of us can so it has to be 100% which i agreed time has a way of showing us whats important.

 

oh and he did ask questions about my night out ( yeah i know typical man thing)

 

he also said its taken me 4 weeks to build up the courage to want to see you face to face as before i couldnt.

i did stay there the night and we did agree not to tell my teenage daughter about were i was before i went over there.

 

while i was there he told me i should tell her and not lie to her but i am not going to as she wants us back together and surely that will just build her hopes up.

while there i did say to him in a cheeky manner ooo this might be the last time we cuddle in bed quickly his response was and it might not be !! i said you might meet someone else he replied i dont think thats going to happen my heads not in the right place at the moment ! i seriously need to sort my head out ..and again he said i know the i am risking things with you and could loose you so i need to sort my head out quickly.

 

i have said to him i am not waiting around and i will just get on with my life as i am not ready to jump into anything else with anybody.

 

in the morning i did say to him i will leave you alone now and give you that space and myself, to which he nodded and as i was about to leave i said to him laughing calling it feeling awkward.. i dont know if to say goodbye as i might not ever see you or hear from you again or see you later and i did giggle as i was trying to lighten the mood.

 

to which he just looked at me and said please dont its just a reminder of everything i have to think about and i do need to sort this out.

 

he gave me a cuddle and i left..

His not a game player i see that alot on site's oh he wants to see other women etc. NOT all men want space and time to go and sleep with other women.. they just get scared of there feelings.

his problem is he over thinks everything he always has his a worrier always has been.

 

i know that i am the longest relationship he has had were he has been as a family with my daughter and his child from a previous relationship they were together only a 6 months when she found out she was pregnant but he stood by her as the father of the child but there relationship was already over.

 

we've had our family holidays etc his never had that before.. i think the battle he is having is more with himself.... and his scared of his feelings the feeling of being in a serious relationship scared of not being able to go out again with the lads.

so he has to have time to go out with his mates do the lad things and yes he might not come back because he doesn't want a serious relationship.

 

Or he might think **** i actually miss sitting in on a saturday night all of us together (which he has already told me that ) but he has to work out what he wants.

 

i am not waiting i will just carry on and who knows in time i might see him again once his had time, but he also knows the longer that time goes on he can lose me.

 

so going NC now i now need to let him realise what its like not having me in his life at all if its meant to be its meant to be and if its not then as much as i love him, it's lifes way of showing me his not for me and cant give me what i want..

 

Everybody needs time to decide what they want in life

Edited December 2, 2015 by Lostsoul1234

[london2015]

I was with the wrong lady for 6months, should have lasted a lot less..i chased begged/pleaded for a couple of weeks after she made the final decision after a lot of arguing and then went into NC for about 3 months..i stupidly broke NC a couple of days back by checking her social media/emailing her wishing her a great December/Xmas/NYE..Did i get a response back? No, of course not...

 

I dont regret doing it, I have just got to make sure i dont repeat the same mistakes!

[xpaperxcutx]

I keep breaking NC.

 

 

We have been broken up for almost a year now. He left me for another woman. I have my ups and downs but it's gotten worse for me especially since I found out that he likes to post on CL looking for sex.

 

 

I only reach out to admonish him for posting and even then I end begging him back.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. Everybody close to me has already told me to move on as he longer loved me, so how come I'm unwilling to let go?

[xuanqi1988]

I haven't spoken to him for almost 2 weeks now. But I have attempted to dig information out of his friends regarding what he is up to and he found out about it. Do I need to restart NC then?

[xuanqi1988]

I keep breaking NC.

 

 

We have been broken up for almost a year now. He left me for another woman. I have my ups and downs but it's gotten worse for me especially since I found out that he likes to post on CL looking for sex.

 

 

I only reach out to admonish him for posting and even then I end begging him back.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. Everybody close to me has already told me to move on as he longer loved me, so how come I'm unwilling to let go?

because you think with your heart and your brain, like most humans do by nature. I am going through the same thing and I feel your pain

[xuanqi1988]

I was holding on to the thoughts of him returning to me, then I was calling psychics to get in his head. But, now I realize it is delaying my healing. I'll always be stuck in this after break up emotion if I don't let go of him and the relationship.

 

And the crazy thing is... I wasn't crazy about the relationship anyways. I liked the good parts, but he was off in many ways. Ways that held me back. He had a wandering eye. He wasn't completely in love and committed to me. I try reminding myself that he couldn't give me the love that I deserved. He just couldn't. I wanted to be loved in a way that he couldn't give. I love with all of me. And I wanted him to do the same. And he couldn't.

 

So,, now he is gone. I miss him. I still love him, especially his banter. His sex. We had amazing sex. We had amazing emotional moments, I would tap into his feelings. We had some crazy love at times.

I'm no contact. It's been two weeks since he moved out.

I know if I accept the end I will heal quicker. So, now it's me walking away from the hope and moving on with my life.

I would love to erase the memories. They hurt.

I admire you for your strength and courage. Well done! I wish I found out about the NC rule earlier but I kept texting him for about 3 weeks after the break up until it got too ugly. My situation was similar to yours in the sense that everything was going well except that he couldn't be 100% committed to me. It didn't seem like he wanted anyone else either so I assumed he was still too hurt from his last relationship to commit again. I would have broken it off earlier but I wanted to give it more time. So in the end he decided he dumped me in a way that seemed so easy for him. How I wish this pain was over already!

[xuanqi1988]

Has anyone ever considered that everyone preaches NC from experience, but almost no one has been able to pull it off from the start of the break up?

 

Don't you think that those first days/weeks/months of pleading/trying/staying in contact are actually just part of the human process of breaking up?

 

If we didn't at least try one time wouldn't the regret eat as us more than the fact that we sacrificed our dignity on an occasion or two?

 

Isn't it better to look back and know that we put all our cards on the table than wondering what if I had just apologized/explained/tried one more time?

 

Hindsight is 20/20. Just food for thought.

You've made a very good point here. Part of me was regretting not starting NC right away (I didn't find out about it until 3 weeks later wjich was when I cut off contact), but having tried does put me at ease. The only thing I wonder though, is why I'm the only one trying to save the relationship, but he didn't even seem to care enough to initiate any contact?

[xpaperxcutx]

because you think with your heart and your brain, like most humans do by nature. I am going through the same thing and I feel your pain

 

I am learning to be logical by practicing self-restraint. I hope I can make it through this

[xpaperxcutx]

You've made a very good point here. Part of me was regretting not starting NC right away (I didn't find out about it until 3 weeks later wjich was when I cut off contact), but having tried does put me at ease. The only thing I wonder though, is why I'm the only one trying to save the relationship, but he didn't even seem to care enough to initiate any contact?

 

 

 

It really means he's trying to move on. Trust me, in a year's time my ex had only reached out to me for sex and I turned him down every single time.

 

 

 

 

We allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect.

[xuanqi1988]

It really means he's trying to move on. Trust me, in a year's time my ex had only reached out to me for sex and I turned him down every single time.

 

 

 

 

We allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect.

and did you still have feelings for him at the time? You did well! I wish I could be as strong as you...I threw myself at him once after the break up instead and felt pretty crap after. How did you know he didn't want anything more than sex though?

[Jane_Tee_11]

So I dated someone last summer, briefly. He was ready for something serious, I was not, and he broke it off with me. What bothered me most is t he way he broke it off. We had a great day together, lots of fun and laughing and he was talking about me meeting his (adult) children. He then dropped off the face of the earth. About a week later I contacted him and said I understood he had ended things, but I was disappointed with his method, that a short convo would have been nice. His response was to basically say, 'well, we are looking for different things'. It stung, but I did not want to look pathetic and grovel so I implemented NC.

 

 

This past Friday I had the opportunity to set him up with a friend, and I did! I feel happy for both of them. I hope they hit it off. NC allowed me to keep my self-respect such that I could be detached and set him up with someone else.

[Jane_Tee_11]

This is probably a terrible post for people trying to maintain NC, but here is something I realized.

 

 

I need to say everything I have to say to someone, to be genuine, honest, put it all out there, and if they still walk away from me, then I know that was meant to be instead of going through the "what if I had said _______, instead of holding back and keeping it to myself".

 

 

That's how I have to do NC, to have nothing left to say. It gives me peace of mind that I put everything back in the other person's 'court'. Then, if and when, that person ever reappears, I can genuinely tell them that abandonment is the hardest, most painful thing for me, and that once someone has abandoned me my trust is gone for good.

 

 

I realize how pathetic that might sound, but I need someone who I know can be in an uncomfortable state and keep trying rather than running off and then coming back later.

[five2nine]

I think about my "ex" every single day and it's been six weeks since I last talked to him. We never messaged each other again. I almost cracked today to e-mail him but I didn't. I turn into a crazy person sometimes and have to keep telling myself "omg no don't do it..." My fear of rejection is the only thing preventing me from messaging him. I wanted him to put effort into making it work instead of all me.

 

I had to go to Kaiser today for a follow-up after I sprained my ankle. My doctor told me to visit orthopedics and get a cam boot for my foot. The ortho tech who helped show me how to use the boot was really cute and nice. I thought to myself I would want to date him if he ever asked me out. Of course I won't see him again though.

 

This means I'm moving on right...? Interested in other people? I hope...? Lol

Edited December 29, 2015 by five2nine