2.5 months and right back to square one

[searchforwhat]

My ex and I have been broken up now for just over 2.5 months and at times I think I am going to be fine. But other times my feelings could not be any further from that. These last few days have just been awful for me and I feel like I am back at square one.

 

Right after the break up I tried my hardest to get her back. I knew she still loved me but I hurt her too many times and I guess that was the last straw. I never cheated on her, she just didnt think I loved her as much as she loved me. I really did love her even if i didnt show it in the way she wanted. I wish I had realized that then. Unfortunelty I was blind to this, but anyway, I had bought a ring and had planned to propose. Obviously we broke up before I did.

 

I never thought it would last. We had broken up in the past and we would always get back together. I just thought she needed some cool off time. Well, days turned into weeks which has now turned into months and I am left with a broken heart. I never thought it could be this hard for this long. We were together for 3.5 yrs and I guess after a while i just kinda took everything for granted. Damn I was stupid.

 

About a month after we broke up, I finally saw her face to face and we talked for a few hours. I apologized explained to her what she meant to me and told her about the ring I bought. I really thought she would at least give it a try. Nope she told me she needed some more time and right now could not chance getting hurt by me again. So I just stopped everything, went NC.

 

She broke that 3 wks later by calling me on V-day telling me she missed me and loved me, you know all the stuff you want to hear but also the stuff that gives you false hope. So I ask her to see me, maybe dinner or something. She tells me she wants to and knows it would be great but doesnt think it is a good idea because she doesnt know where it would lead. I finally drop it after trying to convince her for about 10 minutes.

 

After that conversation we only spoke once for about five minutes, i had to cut it short because it was too hard for me to talk to her.

 

Well, the other day was my birthday, and of course I am anticipating a call from her. I was hoping it would be early because I was at an all day party and knew it would be bad if she called while I was drunk. Well she called while I was drunk and it was terrible.

 

I was on the phone with her for about a half hour. At first it was a light hearted talk where we just caught up on things. Then I asked her to see me. Of course she repeated what she said the last time I had asked that. The talk then turned into relationship stuff. I got a little angry at the hole thing and then told her how tough this has been and asked her why she would call me on V-day and say all those things too me. She said she misses me and it is still really hard for her and then apologized for calling.

 

We talked for a few more minutes, which was stupid because it just made her annoyed with me. I explained to her that every time we talk she always hints that she may want to see me and that she misses me. All of which gives me false hope. I asked her to just tell me she wants nothing to do with me so I can let go of this false hope. She refused to tell me that and said we will talk later when I am sober.

 

After we got off the phone I sat back and realized what a jack a$$ i was so I left her a message saying I would call her the next day and if that wasnt ok to just send me a text and I would leave her alone.

 

I called the next day, left a message and have yet to get a response. I am right back to square one. I feel lonely, empty, and sad. I had trouble sleeping again and cant eat. I really thought I got through that part of the break up but after these last couple days I am there again. I am so pissed at myself for this and feel so stupid.

 

I just dont know what to do , where do I go from here? I just want to talk to her. Thank for reading my rant, I really needed to get this out. I just feel terrible. 2.5 months and it feels like the break up just happened.

[search4what]

I could not log in when I wrote this. This is my register name. Same difference.

[tanbark813]

Don't feel stupid, bro, we've all gone through things like that with break-ups. I think everything you wrote about is natural. I would suggest going back to NC until you're fully over the girl. It sounds like she just wants to keep you hanging for her own comfort. Go out with your friends more and just try to keep your mind off this girl.

[ttjames]

The past two days I've wanted to contact my ex-gf just to see how she's doing... It's been almost 3 weeks since we've talked, but we've emailed each other twice.

 

I read another post just before this of someone who broke NC.. and now they feel like they're back at square one also....

 

So i've decided not to try and contact her at all.... It's sad.. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it would after talking to them and then reading in something they say that gives you false hope. .. . .