Problem with jealousy (bf had upsetting note)

[Mow]

My bf got this triggering note out of his bag the other day, after he got back from the office. He showed it to me, grinning from ear to ear, telling me how he kept everyone going at his work and how they'd all fall apart without him. I know its not his fault that the note upset me so much and I tried not to show it at the time. But I've got a jealousy problem / insecurity issues, and even little things like that can really upset me sometimes.

 

The note was from one of his female work mates, to thank him for his help in the office, saying that she couldn't function without him, with crosses at the bottom and some doodles too. I know, completely innocent really. But it made me so upset. I tried to hide how upset I was from my bf. I even hid away in the basement for awhile, but I couldn't stop crying.

 

I know these feelings are irrational but I can't seem to shake them. I feel like I'm not good enough for my bf, that he can do better than me, and (although this note is innocent) it reminds me that he could easily find a better match.

 

I think I should try and explain a bit to him about my insecurities and what might trigger me. Was just wondering if others had experienced similar problems and whether you think it would be best to talk about it with him? Or hide how I'm feeling in case it pushes him further away from me?

Edited September 25, 2014 by Mow

[heartshaped]

I think the best thing to do is work on your insecurity issues. Maybe perhaps even pursue counseling.

 

I wouldn't confide in your bf about this simply because he did absolutely nothing wrong or inappropriate and shouldn't be at the whim of your irrational feelings.

[Mow]

I think the best thing to do is work on your insecurity issues. Maybe perhaps even pursue counseling.

 

I wouldn't confide in your bf about this simply because he did absolutely nothing wrong or inappropriate and shouldn't be at the whim of your irrational feelings.

 

Ok will look into doing some therapy again. But before that are there any techniques etc that you think might help me to control my emotions? So that I don't cry so much?

 

I do really appreciated your help here, I know when my emotions take over I can't think straight.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well, I am not the jealous type. But, I guess that comes from being insecure... But most of all it is just fear from the unknown.

 

Do you truly trust him??? and are you afraid of loosing him, as if your life will crash???

 

My SM has fears of the unknown. I was always reaffirming her until we tackled a hidden issue from her past.

 

Since we took the time to be very open from the beginning, being able to talk about anything was a priority as we wanted full trust.

 

So, if you feel you cannot trust him, then when will you???

 

In order to gain trust, you must allow yourself to accept it.

 

You have two ways to gain trust. Ignore your fears, which is a lot by the way. Or to tackle each one... sometimes all you need is a couple wee ones to finish off the big one or weaken the big ones for you to stomp out.

 

So, what can you do to keep your love for him from strangling you into fear... Well think of your life being everything around you. He should never overshadow what brings joy and happiness. If you allow him to be everything, you are keeping yourself from enjoying life. It is not about letting go of your love, but to redirect it to where it needs to be. You need to allow for growth for your love to be less confining for the both of you.

 

Having him understand you feel uncomfortable at times from fear, and may feel needy because the feelings pull at you. Will allow him to make better judgement in showing affection. I think some of your jealousy is from not being sure of how much he feels for you. Asking him to be more compassionate may relieve you of jealousy. As it will reaffirm you that his heart is with you.

 

I agree with not telling him how jealous you are, but to at least allow him to understand your needs not what your fears are doing to you.

 

I hope you can see what I have tried to explain, as it seems vague but I tried to make it broad to how you feel deeply. You must take what is written as a path to understanding what bothers you, and ways to deal with them.

[Mow]

 

I hope you can see what I have tried to explain, as it seems vague but I tried to make it broad to how you feel deeply. You must take what is written as a path to understanding what bothers you, and ways to deal with them.

 

I think I kind of understand. You mean you think I should tell him about my fears and my insecurities in general but not bring up specific triggers?

 

Its just that if he didn't show me notes like that again (remove that trigger) then it might help in the meantime, while I am working on getting my insecurity issues under control.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Mow

[Mow]

Also when I feel so bad from insecurity, I don't tend to get more needy. Most of the time I try to avoid him more, hide away from him more and think about breaking up with him more, because I feel like I am in his way, that I need to set him free from me, so he can find a better match and be happier in the long run.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I think I kind of understand. You mean you think I should tell him about my fears and my insecurities in general but not bring up specific triggers?

 

Yes, not to bring up triggers... you must allow trust both ways. By telling him about triggers, he can't trust you with what he shares to you.

 

By telling him your needs, without making them into issues helps more so. As if one issue was the only thing of cause, it would be easy. But to find many issues that bring jealousy would make it difficult to work around without feeling you have to walk on eggshells.

 

Like I picked reaffirmation though being more compassionate. it may not fit you, but it was just a simple way to explain a particular need.

 

You will have to address your needs from their basic levels, not the specifics, then he would get confused and only address one side of what you need.

 

If you feel needy, change it around to allow for something you are missing. More time with him, affection, or just wanting to hear his feelings.

 

Depending on how your relationship is grown, reassessing goals or your relationship, can kill some of the issues that have been balling up.

 

this is something to ponder about for after you have made some needs clear to you mate.

 

Never allow a relationship to go its own way as if in autopilot. Once left well enough alone, it can allow for differences between the both of you. As your both are expecting no change throughout the coarse of the relationship.

 

Until you can have a heart to heart talk about how you both feel, which is hard to do if left alone for a year or more. As it can make one question the validity of the relationship. Reassessment is the sharing views and needs that allow you both to understand each other.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Also when I feel so bad from insecurity, I don't tend to get more needy. Most of the time I try to avoid him more, hide away from him more and think about breaking up with him more, because I feel like I am in his way, that I need to set him free from me, so he can find a better match and be happier in the long run.

 

 

Your jealousy is because you deny deep attachment, and when you anything that resembles it from others towards who you love. You feel it shake you.

 

You need to find it in yourself to dig up what has kept emotional detachment so strong inside you. You may have never let any of it go. By being truthful about this to you mate, it will allow you to break down and cry it out, and bring a bigger bond between you both.

 

That you will have to trust him with. At least let him know enough to understand what you are going though in having deep emotional detachment issues.

[Mow]

Your jealousy is because you deny deep attachment, and when you anything that resembles it from others towards who you love. You feel it shake you.

 

You need to find it in yourself to dig up what has kept emotional detachment so strong inside you. You may have never let any of it go. By being truthful about this to you mate, it will allow you to break down and cry it out, and bring a bigger bond between you both.

 

That you will have to trust him with. At least let him know enough to understand what you are going though in having deep emotional detachment issues.

 

I have broken down in tears in front of him a number of times, not related to jealousy, but other insecurity issues.

 

What do you mean by the "emotional detachment" inside of me?

[Mow]

I've been avoiding my bf for 2 days now. I know I need to talk to him but I'm scared to, in case I have another meltdown in front of him. It can't be good for him or for the relationship to keep seeing that all the time.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I have broken down in tears in front of him a number of times, not related to jealousy, but other insecurity issues.

 

What do you mean by the "emotional detachment" inside of me?

seems so, like you are afraid of being too close. every time you get too close to trusting him, you run away and hide your feelings. because your not feeling connex with attachment you are feeling jealous of others who show feelings over yours. like subconsciously compairing love and effection with yours.

 

i don't think you'll run him off, just telling him you have deep seated issues that keep you feeling like you should, and are afraid. Ask him if it makes him uncomfortable in any way. Trying not to force him against the wall so to speak. if he feels uneasy with knowing then, you can tell him your willing to get help, as you love him and don't want to scare him away.

 

 

I think you have not trusted him with your deep feelings and let the bad thoughts ball up and become a break down moment or venting anger. By letting something get that far, you don't allow him to help let alone trust him in understanding your needs.

[Mow]

I've told him about how my emotions often take over and I've told him I want him to be happy above all else, even if its not with me. But he says he loves me all the same. He just tends to go quiet when I talk to him about my feelings, or else just tell me not to worry, not to cry. But I can't seem to stop.

[Mow]

As long as I try my best not to think about my bf or the note I seem to be ok. But as soon as it pops into my head again I can feel the despair well up inside me.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well you have someone you can trust... it is about time you trust him.

 

Since you have jealousy issues, you need to trust him more than anything with his emotions. Have a talk about his feelings. By doing so he will feel stronger, because he has you on his side. Without the discussion, he will feel a bit alone in battling his deep feelings and yours.

 

A relationship is 50/50, even if you feel broken, showing and giving what you can will be part of the 50/50 even though you feel like your taking more than your fair share.

 

My SM has been through this with me in our own way. She always said I had the short end of the stick. But every time I helped her, I allowed her to help me as well. Being unable to have 50/50 at first, then growing to be 50/50 now.

 

Get him to open up his feelings about you and his fears. Allow him to take the moment for himself. Savor understanding him, and tell him you want to be there for him as much as he does for you. You feel like you can't be there for him now because you have been so caught up in your feelings. Once you have his trust and understand him, trust him to be strong and work with you. Always allow him to say what he feels as much as you do. Things will work out on their own. As long as you keep things open and trusting. Nothing is going to get in the way. Trust me. It works, and once you discover its magic, you would want everyone to know.

Edited September 25, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[smackie9]

As long as I try my best not to think about my bf or the note I seem to be ok. But as soon as it pops into my head again I can feel the despair well up inside me.

Anxiety and dread? Sounds to me you have depression. Just go to your family doctor to seek out treatment and therapy.

[smackie9]

Here's a question....did your parents divorce when you were young or your father walked out? Sometimes these things are rooted from some childhood trauma.