Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Hope your doing ok... I have just put myself back enormously... Back to square one but have now printed off a load of stuff and attached it to the fridge and changed his name to "Do NOT Contact" on my phone... Keep going... Take each day as it comes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 Hope your doing ok... I have just put myself back enormously... Back to square one but have now printed off a load of stuff and attached it to the fridge and changed his name to "Do NOT Contact" on my phone... Keep going... Take each day as it comes... I am so-so... What happened? Ahy are you back to square one?... I tried that thing with renaming - still wanted to contact him Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Saw him over the weekend. Broke me all over again. Felt like I was "home" when I was with him. His smell, the way he moves, the small touches, not anything untoward just stuff like putting your hand on someones back to move them forward so you can pass while saying excuse me, or their hand as you pass a drink. He just "fits". He didn't make a move, was friendly enough but not overly so. His daughter was there she knows nothing about us. So he wouldn't have done and neither could I which was handy. Ended up sending a pathetic text after half a bottle of brandy. Now feel like utter pooh. Am trying to get some hatred and anger going for him in the hope that will do the trick but its not working. He hasn't done anything "wrong". He hasn't been rude, nasty, dishonest... Its me being needy and pathetic. Now I have to see him tomorrow as well. he said he was really looking forward to seeing me at this thing we are both going to be at. Am stressed to the nines. Have spent time crying and in general being a blubbering, needy, pathetic mess. I hate it. This is not "me" at all. I am normally so assertive and strong. I am finding it harder to get over this guy after a month of not being in a relationship with him and it not being anything than I am getting over the guy I was living with for years. I just feel empty. Am also thinking about changing the group I help with (where I met him) so I can have less contact with him. I figure I need to concentrate more on the things I want to do and stop thinking about him. Devastation is the word I would use. I feel utterly devastated that its not going to work out. Had a lump in my throat and been randomly crying for past 2 days... It sucks. The only thing I can equate it to is when I go to see my best friend then I have to come home. Every time she drops me at the airport its like this. I miss her terribly when I am not around her and only get to see her every couple of years. I always end up sobbing like mad until I land and turn on my phone and every time she send something silly for me to receive when I get home because she knows I will have been sobbing for hours! With him there is nothing to look forward to. So I am crying and heart broken over nothing...! Yep that stupid. Going to get some trainers in the next week or so and start running. See if I can batter this out of myself in some way. Yoga starts next week too... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Going to get some trainers in the next week or so and start running. See if I can batter this out of myself in some way. Yoga starts next week too... I was wondering if you'd had any interest in my advice. Good call...and good call on changing the group so that you have less/no contact with him as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I was wondering if you'd had any interest in my advice. Good call...and good call on changing the group so that you have less/no contact with him as well. I have been trawling through the break up, the separation and OW boards for advice and doing everything I can... I hate being so damned pathetic. The rest of my life I am so in control I have my boundaries and am very happy. This guy though. I don't know but he knocked through and hit nerves that I thought were long dead. Its like he has stirred up the muddy waters and all this "stuff" that was long gone and buried has resurfaced. I will still have contact with his daughter as she has taken me on as her "mentor" type person and she comes to me when she needs someone to keep her on the straight and narrow. Her parents break up is really taking its toll on her and I am very concerned about her. But I shall continue to keep our conversations about her and will not "fish" for info about him. I have been very strict with myself on this. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 Saw him over the weekend. Broke me all over again. Felt like I was "home" when I was with him. His smell, the way he moves, the small touches, not anything untoward just stuff like putting your hand on someones back to move them forward so you can pass while saying excuse me, or their hand as you pass a drink. He just "fits". He didn't make a move, was friendly enough but not overly so. This is exactly the wat my MM feels to me... why does it feel so right when it is so wrong?... You mentioned he is separated? Is there any chance he will become available? Or you just don't want to think about it? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Don't go to the event today. It's that simple. Shut him out of YOUR life so that YOU can move FORWARD! And no reason to give him any explanation for not going. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I was in an A for 3,5 years. I loved him like crazy this whole time. We broke up 3 times and now is the third time (my initiative). I have not spoken to him since 3 months and even tried to have another relationship which seems to fail in any case and not because of my emotions. Every minute I am fighting with an urge to contact him. I never loved anyone like him... The feeling when he hugged me... everything... I think that just seeing him would make me feel better. I understand that it's a way to nowhere... but how can I stop this when my heart refuses to listen to my mind. I already remeberd all the **** about him and the relationship - it doesn't help... On top, my birthday is coming soon, and even if I don't contact him myself... he might contact me and I don't know what happens. I know that if he did niothing is 3,5 year he will hardly ever do smth. But I still love him no matter what, how do I fight this?? Seems like there are times when we want what we can't have whether it be someone else's husband or an all expenses paid trip to Mexico. Sometimes we get what he want only to find out it wasn't at all what we needed, when someone else's husband cheats on you or we end up sleeping in a leaky hut in a dirty back alley and our wallet and luggage have disappeared. Just saying, things look very different how we have it all perfectly pictured in our heads than as opposed to the reality... Think HEALTHY Things for yourself ONLY. Then keep thinking healthy things for yourself only. You'll soon discover that cheating, married men aren't all that healthy, like, for anyone... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 This is exactly the wat my MM feels to me... why does it feel so right when it is so wrong?... You mentioned he is separated? Is there any chance he will become available? Or you just don't want to think about it? Because your subconscious is trying to work out needs and thinks this person is it. But he's not. Let your conscious mind make the decisions for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 This is exactly the wat my MM feels to me... why does it feel so right when it is so wrong?... You mentioned he is separated? Is there any chance he will become available? Or you just don't want to think about it? God only knows. Unless we have some freaked out version of what is "right" in our heads. I tell you we are IDIOTS. Doesn't make either of us feel any better but we are idiots. I don't know if he will become available. When we last spoke about his situation he said he was going to file for divorce around about now. I don't know if that has happened and I haven't asked. He and his wife have decided to continue with a holiday they had booked before the separation, he has booked an extra room so he is not staying with her. The kids are excited that the holiday is back on but are all nervous as to what will happen. In the past she has been very lovey dovey while on holiday then an absolute b***h when they get back. The kids are getting more and more screwed up by all this. Its all too much drama. I hate drama. If I want excitement I go sky diving or something. All of this is just shi77y. Part of me says wait until he does become available but thats the dopey dippy bit of me that sent that dumb text. My head is telling me to move on get on with it and go and meet other people. I feel sick at the thought but at some point I guess I will have to just pull my socks up and be a grown up. So no I just don't want to think about it or it will mess me up all over again. I was remembering last night a conversation we had and I told him that I was really uncomfortable that I was feeling so deeply so quickly and he wrapped his arms around me and said it was "cute". I remember even then pushing him away and telling him it wasn't bloody cute it was pathetic and frightening and I felt out of control. The pair of us need to buck up our ideas, get a grip and stop pinning for a "dream" that wasn't real. Its about time we both had some happiness that is good old fashioned real, honest and decent. Rather than pretend and all this play school cr4p. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Well I hope you are doing better than I am. I ended up going as would have looked weird if I hadnt. His daughter was dropped off by his wife. Daughter made a b line for me which is fine. He was late because he was having a shower and hair cut. He came straight to me. Someone started talking to him on the way and he stood looking at me the whole time. I was talking to some others and talking about my bucket list as I need to add some things. Only got my mountain and sky diving left so will need some others to go in there. He wants to come indoor skydiving and also be there when I jump from the plane. He also started talking about other bits and bobs that could go on there. After he overheard me saying to someone that my stomach had been playing up again he fetched food and drink for me so I didnt have to stand in line. He was talking about my family and saying how great they are. I ended up saying good bye to his daughter and giving her a hug then sneaking off while he was off getting more food for me. Silly I know. He also had been watching me a lot the other night and was commenting on a load of stuff I didnt think he had seen...messed up. Hurting. Confussed as hell. And this is why we stay away. Thank god for the winter break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted September 30, 2014 Author Share Posted September 30, 2014 I contacted him today ... I don't know why!!! He responded but without much emotion. I don't know why I am doing this - I don't want to be the OW again. Maybe his coldness will help me to move on... Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 I think it is very important to always bear in mind that most affairs have that magical element to them. That is nothing new but makes them feel very special to us. Mine was certainly like that and I never lost that butterflies in the tummy feeling even after 3yrs 9months. I felt drunk from kissing him so much. He was my idea of perfection - the ultimate man in every way. I realise now that feeling was down to always having good times together and limited time together. If I had met him as a regular relationship no matter how much I loved him, that affair feeling would never have lasted so long. Its that feeling that can screw you up What did it for me was realising that I became more interested in the REAL world whereas I eventually clicked on that he was all about the FANTASY. In the build up to meetings he was in constant contact. Afterwards I felt really connected to him, whereas he was busy trying to slip back into normality. After I initiated the NC by email and it was blunt. There was none of that 'if you find yourself single in the future then please get in touch'. OMG I could not have done that cause a part of me would always be thinking, maybe he will return! I separate affairs from relationships. They need to stand alone and not be confused with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Time for us both to get a grip and stop doing this to ourselves. We have both had fantastic advice time to follow it and give ourselves a break... Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 (edited) I contacted him today ... I don't know why!!! He responded but without much emotion. I don't know why I am doing this - I don't want to be the OW again. Maybe his coldness will help me to move on... You sound like you have a bit of the masochist in you. One day he will probably give you what you want and tell you to get out of his life and stay out of it AND then go NC forever. Why let him have the ball in his court - you can do it yourself. Don't be scared of moving on. Different techniques of NC may work. Maybe start the NC again and this time ask him to block you from email and phone. Edited September 30, 2014 by OWAmy Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 You sound like you have a bit of the masochist in you. One day he will probably give you what you want and tell you to get out of his life and stay out of it AND then go NC forever. Why let him have the ball in his court - you can do it yourself. Don't be scared of moving on. Different techniques of NC may work. Maybe start the NC again and this time ask him to block you from email and phone. You are right, perhaps I made a mistake. I don't really want to be a mistress anymore. I don't think he will ever tell me to get out of his life, he always wanted to keep me there. I guess this cold attitude is a game. Anyway, I will stay strong. No more affair, I had enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Keep at it GettingOver. Just cut that man off. Remove any access you have to contact details etc. Box up any memories and get a friend to look after them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GettingOver Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Keep at it GettingOver. Just cut that man off. Remove any access you have to contact details etc. Box up any memories and get a friend to look after them. Sometimes I feel like I need to tie my hands or hit myself to stop stupidity from happening. I really don't know why I contacted him - I don't want to be his mistress again and the last priority. I miss him though, better say the good about him. Anyway, I won't contact him again! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Sometimes I feel like I need to tie my hands or hit myself to stop stupidity from happening. I really don't know why I contacted him - I don't want to be his mistress again and the last priority. I miss him though, better say the good about him. Anyway, I won't contact him again! I read on another thread that someone put an elastic band round their wrist and when they wanted to contact the guy they pinged it so it hurt... Another day. I keep trying to think along the lines of yay I have got through x number of days with out contacting him! I have also moved my target of getting out dating back until after Christmas as I know I will not be over him before then and even if I am I need some time being happy on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
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