Abused by 13 year old

[RHP1]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for help.

My brother is 13 years old, and he gets very violent, and physical when he doesn't get his way. He resents being told "no" and doesn't know how to handle rejection properly. He also gets angry very easily.

 

My parents really try with him, they're old now - and his behavior is really stressing everyone out. My parents have gotten physical with him too but always when pushed to the brink, often in self-defense, and sometimes in anger. He really has no respect, nor appreciation for anyone.

 

I don't know what to do to make it stop. Recently we consulted with his regular doctor to see a psychologist - now I'm kind of worried because while I know he needs the help, I'm worried about the outcome - like will he be taken away? Will my parents suffer some sort of consequence for hitting him when they did? Like I said, my parents have gotten physical, but they don't do it to abuse him for pleasure, it's just an acceptable form of discipline in our culture - but even so, my parents don't do it until pushed to the limit.

 

I know most people are against this sort of discipline - but it happened. It would break my parents' hearts, and mine, if he were to be taken away, I don't know what alternatives there are. But we really want his behavior to stop. He has no problem hitting me or my sister; he just threw a book bag at my head yesterday, he punches, and doesn't care about where he does it, sometimes he tries to punch my face. When I have gotten into fist fights with him, I at least try to make sure I don't hit him where he could be severely impaired but he doesn't care about any of that.

 

Does anyone have any insight on this? How can we make it stop? What are our options? We really just want him to behave, and calm down, and not hurt us, or himself.

[Keenly]

Sounds like he needs to be humbled in some way.

[RHP1]

Sounds like he needs to be humbled in some way.

 

I was thinking of the same - but I really have no idea what would be humbling for a 13 year old. It's hard to get him to do anything. We try ignoring him - but my dad sucks at that, so he'll (dad) give in very easily to my brother's temporary apologies.

[hellon]

Hi OP,

 

I went through some similar things with my family growing up (we got through it, if it's any consolation). It sounds like your bro has some serious impulse control/ anger issues, and maybe something deeper going on. He absolutely should be seeing a psychologist. He may grow out of it eventually, but it's more likely he's not going to get better on his own, and his outbursts could potentially get worse/more damaging. A good therapist will help get to the root of why your brother gets violent, and will help him learn to modify his behavior. Your parents should be talking to someone as well, to help them find better ways of coping and disciplining. Unless they have been actually abusive (therapists should be able to tell the difference between abuse and self-defense/discipline), you needn't be worried about them being punished. This is a dangerous situation, so I hope your fam gets the outside help that they need.

[preraph]

I'm glad that you seem to understand that the problem and solution don't lie only on your brother. I'm sorry things have escalated to this point. Children have to be taught to behave while young and have good nonviolent role models in order to not become violent themselves. The psychologist is the right place for this to get improved upon, but you must realize and your parents better realize too that it will need to be total family therapy, not just trying to fix your brother. The whole family dynamic has to be addressed that created this situation. Without your parents' behavior changing, which created his violence, whether it be through fighting in front of you children or just spoiling him, their behavior must change before his will change, so you must all go to family therapy to treat this. You should talk to the psychologist about you all attending family therapy and then maybe the brother has some individual sessions as well.

 

Don't fear the psychologist. Your family needs help, as a whole. Stay calm and encourage both your parents to cooperate and join in family therapy.

[hellon]

I'm glad that you seem to understand that the problem and solution don't lie only on your brother. I'm sorry things have escalated to this point. Children have to be taught to behave while young and have good nonviolent role models in order to not become violent themselves. The psychologist is the right place for this to get improved upon, but you must realize and your parents better realize too that it will need to be total family therapy, not just trying to fix your brother. The whole family dynamic has to be addressed that created this situation. Without your parents' behavior changing, which created his violence, whether it be through fighting in front of you children or just spoiling him, their behavior must change before his will change, so you must all go to family therapy to treat this. You should talk to the psychologist about you all attending family therapy and then maybe the brother has some individual sessions as well.

 

Don't fear the psychologist. Your family needs help, as a whole. Stay calm and encourage both your parents to cooperate and join in family therapy.

 

I agree completely with the "whole family" approach. However, I don't think it's fair to say (without knowing more about the situation) that the parents are entirely to blame here. Sometimes underlying issues like the ones I mentioned (impulse control) are chemical, not unlike depression- and can manifest as tantrums regardless of what example the rest of the family is setting. I think it should be noted that the other siblings the OP has mentioned don't seem to be acting out.

[Quiet Storm]

Your family needs help. This is a dynamic that is hard to change because there are so many moving parts (each family member has a role). Your family is not emotionally equipped to handle him and that's why he's out of control. There needs to be a plan in place- What will we do when he does XXXXX? What will we say? How do we react? What escalates things? What calms things?

 

We learn coping skills from our parents- they are our earliest models. It doesn't sound like he learned healthy ways to cope, which results in frustration and acting out. He needs to learn alternatives, like "take a jog" instead of "throwing bookbags".

 

For example, my nephew was showing poor coping skills because my sister is personality disordered and never modeled healthy coping skills for him. I noticed this and bought him a heavybag and a boxing/kickboxing dvd. I explained that we all feel angry at times, but we can't take our anger out on others. I told him when he feels mad, hit the bag. It's helped him a lot. Sometimes people just need an outlet, and they may not be able to figure out what works best for them on their own.

[evanescentworld]

Hello RHP1, and thank you for posting.

 

MAy I ask, how old are you?

 

And can you tell us what country/culture you're from?

[Cristo]

Unfortunately, this is the outcome in a time when people are afraid to discipline their children. They get out of control.

 

It seems like the damage is already done. If I were your parents, I would place him in military school (though, even that is watered down these days).

[preraph]

I agree completely with the "whole family" approach. However, I don't think it's fair to say (without knowing more about the situation) that the parents are entirely to blame here. Sometimes underlying issues like the ones I mentioned (impulse control) are chemical, not unlike depression- and can manifest as tantrums regardless of what example the rest of the family is setting. I think it should be noted that the other siblings the OP has mentioned don't seem to be acting out.

 

But either way it needs whole family therapy. I agree there can be other mitigating factors. Trying to simplify it for the OP. But also she says there is family violence, so that is why i took that approach. It may or may not be justified. So often a boy is modeling his father's behavior and that's a real possibility here.

[RHP1]

Hi OP,

 

I went through some similar things with my family growing up (we got through it, if it's any consolation). It sounds like your bro has some serious impulse control/ anger issues, and maybe something deeper going on. He absolutely should be seeing a psychologist. He may grow out of it eventually, but it's more likely he's not going to get better on his own, and his outbursts could potentially get worse/more damaging. A good therapist will help get to the root of why your brother gets violent, and will help him learn to modify his behavior. Your parents should be talking to someone as well, to help them find better ways of coping and disciplining. Unless they have been actually abusive (therapists should be able to tell the difference between abuse and self-defense/discipline), you needn't be worried about them being punished. This is a dangerous situation, so I hope your fam gets the outside help that they need.

 

 

Thank you for this - it really calmed my nerves. I'm very happy and relieved that you were able to get through it, and I hope that we will get through it too.

 

My parents want to do what they can to rectify this situation, so I'm sure they will be willing to talk to someone too. I will bring this up to them.

[RHP1]

I'm glad that you seem to understand that the problem and solution don't lie only on your brother. I'm sorry things have escalated to this point. Children have to be taught to behave while young and have good nonviolent role models in order to not become violent themselves. The psychologist is the right place for this to get improved upon, but you must realize and your parents better realize too that it will need to be total family therapy, not just trying to fix your brother. The whole family dynamic has to be addressed that created this situation. Without your parents' behavior changing, which created his violence, whether it be through fighting in front of you children or just spoiling him, their behavior must change before his will change, so you must all go to family therapy to treat this. You should talk to the psychologist about you all attending family therapy and then maybe the brother has some individual sessions as well.

 

Don't fear the psychologist. Your family needs help, as a whole. Stay calm and encourage both your parents to cooperate and join in family therapy.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I really like the idea of family therapy, and I will suggest this once my brother finally gets to see the psychologist. We're currently on a wait list.

 

It may sound like I'm biased, but my parents tried to raise him right. I really can't pinpoint how our family dynamic may have contributed to this. It really seems like my sister and I, although we are older, are just more appreciative of all the work our parents have put in for us, while my brother just ignores it all. My parents have a happy marriage, my dad is not violent towards my mother, or my sister and I. My mom is very loving too. Everyone respects one another, and gets along - except for my bro. We have disagreements as any other family, but nothing major, and unsolvable. The only major problem in our household has been my brother's behavior.

 

Since you mentioned it, I do think that with my brother, my parents messed up by spoiling him. He is the youngest, so he was spoiled heavily by my dad. He basically got everything he wanted - which was not the case with my sister and I.

Maybe that is a major factor in why all of this is happening.

[RHP1]

Your family needs help. This is a dynamic that is hard to change because there are so many moving parts (each family member has a role). Your family is not emotionally equipped to handle him and that's why he's out of control. There needs to be a plan in place- What will we do when he does XXXXX? What will we say? How do we react? What escalates things? What calms things?

 

 

We learn coping skills from our parents- they are our earliest models. It doesn't sound like he learned healthy ways to cope, which results in frustration and acting out. He needs to learn alternatives, like "take a jog" instead of "throwing bookbags".

 

For example, my nephew was showing poor coping skills because my sister is personality disordered and never modeled healthy coping skills for him. I noticed this and bought him a heavybag and a boxing/kickboxing dvd. I explained that we all feel angry at times, but we can't take our anger out on others. I told him when he feels mad, hit the bag. It's helped him a lot. Sometimes people just need an outlet, and they may not be able to figure out what works best for them on their own.

 

Thanks for exemplifying that. I tried to get him to jog/exercise to relieve his anger, but he hasn't taken me up on it. The problem is that he doesn't take anyone seriously, which gets to be very frustrating sometimes.

 

But perhaps he needs a heavy bag, or some other form of release.

 

Hello RHP1, and thank you for posting.

 

MAy I ask, how old are you?

 

And can you tell us what country/culture you're from?

 

Hi there, I'm 19 and we're a Bengali family - but we live in New York, and my brother was born here.

 

Unfortunately, this is the outcome in a time when people are afraid to discipline their children. They get out of control.

 

It seems like the damage is already done. If I were your parents, I would place him in military school (though, even that is watered down these days).

 

We have even considered military school - but we back out at the last minute hearing all of the awful things that may happen there. We want him to get better, we don't want to make it worse, and with military school...it was a risk.

[evanescentworld]

Well, at 19, you certainly shouldn't be bearing the brunt of the problem, and i think it may help to at least speak to someone in the Medical profession, even if only to get some advice.

 

And your brother being born in the USA but being influenced by a different cultural background, is a tough one anyway, leave aside the violence... It's an horrendous pull in 2 directions, and it may have some bearing regarding his attitude, being rebellious and anti-establishment, as it were....

 

How old are your parents, exactly?

[RHP1]

Well, at 19, you certainly shouldn't be bearing the brunt of the problem, and i think it may help to at least speak to someone in the Medical profession, even if only to get some advice.

 

And your brother being born in the USA but being influenced by a different cultural background, is a tough one anyway, leave aside the violence... It's an horrendous pull in 2 directions, and it may have some bearing regarding his attitude, being rebellious and anti-establishment, as it were....

 

How old are your parents, exactly?

 

 

Thanks for your input. My sister and I grew up here - in NY - too. We moved at a young age. There is definitely a pull in both cultural directions, but my brother has faced it the least amongst us. When it came to him, my parents had already gone over it with myself and my sister, and they have been much more lenient, and accepting with him.

 

As intimidating as it is to open up to someone about this, I'm looking forward to some sort of change, and getting the help that we all desperately need.

 

My mom is 48, and my dad is 56.

[evanescentworld]

Thanks for your input. My sister and I grew up here - in NY - too. We moved at a young age. There is definitely a pull in both cultural directions, but my brother has faced it the least amongst us. When it came to him, my parents had already gone over it with myself and my sister, and they have been much more lenient, and accepting with him.

 

As intimidating as it is to open up to someone about this, I'm looking forward to some sort of change, and getting the help that we all desperately need.

 

My mom is 48, and my dad is 56.

Forgive me for saying so, but by every measurable account, your parents are most definitely NOT old... I am in my 50's also, and people of my age are classified as

MIDDLE-aged, but certainly not old.

You need to speak to your parents about your brother and tell them you intend to do something about him, but they need to be on board and proactive. Really, they are the ones who should be investigating different avenues. This should not fall to you and neither should you be expected to take a lead in this. It's their job to assume responsibility for him, and at their age they are more than young enough to cope with the situation perfectly well....

[RHP1]

Forgive me for saying so, but by every measurable account, your parents are most definitely NOT old... I am in my 50's also, and people of my age are classified as

MIDDLE-aged, but certainly not old.

You need to speak to your parents about your brother and tell them you intend to do something about him, but they need to be on board and proactive. Really, they are the ones who should be investigating different avenues. This should not fall to you and neither should you be expected to take a lead in this. It's their job to assume responsibility for him, and at their age they are more than young enough to cope with the situation perfectly well....

 

I'm sorry, you're right. I think I called them "old" in the sense that it's retirement age (in Bengali culture) so I keep thinking that they should be relaxing, and not stressing out. My parents have had difficult lives, we weren't ever well-off, so I guess I worry that about when they'll finally be able to catch a break - but you're right, I called them old because of where I perceive they should be, not because they actually are.

 

My parents are doing what they can - taking my brother to the doctor and setting up the appointments. But they're not the greatest with researching what alternatives there may be, so I'm looking on behalf of them; and for my own peace of mind really.

[Tayla]

This may seem off the wall by many a poster yet it is a type of action that has produced results.

 

In the family home- (1) Use aroma therapy to create a relaxing environment - yes lavander and sandalwood come to mind. Using this through out the house hold inevitably captures the persons and does subdue matters. (2) Beleive it or not some foods actually have a calming effect on a person - Changing the dietary/nutrition can sometimes lower the chemicals produced thru anger/anxiety. Lean meats, turkey, etc.3: Reduce the noise level. Its the static noise...blaring tv's, heavy piercing noises.... Otherwise use music therapy and light therapy.

 

To those who think this may not work, you don't know til its been utilized. Studies have already shown the above can and does over time have a positive effect. Naturally counseling and sometimes group counseling can minimize and allow coping skills for each family member. If seeking medical remedies is more in tune, then that also is a viable option.

[RHP1]

This may seem off the wall by many a poster yet it is a type of action that has produced results.

 

In the family home- (1) Use aroma therapy to create a relaxing environment - yes lavander and sandalwood come to mind. Using this through out the house hold inevitably captures the persons and does subdue matters. (2) Beleive it or not some foods actually have a calming effect on a person - Changing the dietary/nutrition can sometimes lower the chemicals produced thru anger/anxiety. Lean meats, turkey, etc.3: Reduce the noise level. Its the static noise...blaring tv's, heavy piercing noises.... Otherwise use music therapy and light therapy.

 

To those who think this may not work, you don't know til its been utilized. Studies have already shown the above can and does over time have a positive effect. Naturally counseling and sometimes group counseling can minimize and allow coping skills for each family member. If seeking medical remedies is more in tune, then that also is a viable option.

 

Thank you for this suggestion. Are there any websites or books where I can find more detailed information about this?

[Tayla]

I would suggest a good starting point is your local library or a college campus library.

 

Our local Hospital has a research center that is open to the public, if you happen to be in an area that has such, they have much to offer.

 

Any google search should be able to point you in the direction of any of those therapies suggest. Best to you and your family....

[hellon]

Thank you for this - it really calmed my nerves. I'm very happy and relieved that you were able to get through it, and I hope that we will get through it too.

 

My parents want to do what they can to rectify this situation, so I'm sure they will be willing to talk to someone too. I will bring this up to them.

 

I'm sure you will get through it- it will take some hard work, but you and your family are off to a good start by looking for solutions.

[ktya]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for help.

My brother is 13 years old, and he gets very violent, and physical when he doesn't get his way. He resents being told "no" and doesn't know how to handle rejection properly. He also gets angry very easily.

 

My parents really try with him, they're old now - and his behavior is really stressing everyone out. My parents have gotten physical with him too but always when pushed to the brink, often in self-defense, and sometimes in anger. He really has no respect, nor appreciation for anyone.

 

I don't know what to do to make it stop. Recently we consulted with his regular doctor to see a psychologist - now I'm kind of worried because while I know he needs the help, I'm worried about the outcome - like will he be taken away? Will my parents suffer some sort of consequence for hitting him when they did? Like I said, my parents have gotten physical, but they don't do it to abuse him for pleasure, it's just an acceptable form of discipline in our culture - but even so, my parents don't do it until pushed to the limit.

 

I know most people are against this sort of discipline - but it happened. It would break my parents' hearts, and mine, if he were to be taken away, I don't know what alternatives there are. But we really want his behavior to stop. He has no problem hitting me or my sister; he just threw a book bag at my head yesterday, he punches, and doesn't care about where he does it, sometimes he tries to punch my face. When I have gotten into fist fights with him, I at least try to make sure I don't hit him where he could be severely impaired but he doesn't care about any of that.

 

Does anyone have any insight on this? How can we make it stop? What are our options? We really just want him to behave, and calm down, and not hurt us, or himself.

 

Grab a baseball bat and clock this kid one in the ribs hard. Tell him to smarten up or he gets more.

[evanescentworld]

Oh yes, landing a few well-aimed blows and inflicting pain on someone as a form of angry dominance is always a first and helpful resort.

 

Not.

 

REally, why do some people believe that using physical force to subjugate another human being is the way to proceed?

Use of force is loss of control.

it's lashing out in anger and haste.

And it has never, ever, EVER in and of itself solved anything, long-term.

 

The above is extremely foolish and aggressive advice, and I would urge the OP to ignore it completely.

[RHP1]

Grab a baseball bat and clock this kid one in the ribs hard. Tell him to smarten up or he gets more.

 

Gee, thanks - this sounds like sound advice.

[RHP1]

I'm sure you will get through it- it will take some hard work, but you and your family are off to a good start by looking for solutions.

 

Thank you for your advice earlier and your support.